You write for Bill Maher?!

I told my girlfriend that i think she puts her eyebrow makeup on too high... she looked surprised

It's a goof joke!

What do walruses & Tupperware have in common? The both like a tight seal.

This one too

Intelligence test (please read your answers out LOUD)

1 say "EYE"

2 spell M-A-P

3 say "NESS"

It's so hot out that I almost called Kaneda... just to be around someone shady

I walked into the game room the other day and caught my kid chewing on the power cord on one of my pins. So, of course i had to ground him. He's doing better currently, and conducting himself properly.

I'd say you're 0-2 bud! sorry!

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

“In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle”, he said.

“Very well, you may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.”

Saint Peter said, “You may also pass through the pearly gates.”

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”

The man replied, “These are Carol’s.

Paddy was selling his pet python on eBay.

some bloke rang him up & asked, "is it big?"

Paddy said, "massive"

the bloke asks, "how many feet?"

Paddy says, "none, it's a snake ya feckin eeijit"

Dr.- "OK Dave..try not to get an erection during this prostate exam."

Patient - "My name is Steve"

Dr.- "I know, I'm Dave"

I don't even know who she is.that was a long read

Johnny goes to the pharmacy to buy condoms.. the pharmacist says they sell them in packs of 3, 6 or 9. Johnny mentions that he's going to his new girlfriends parents house for supper and then back to his place for some nattys and play some buckhunter. He goes on to mention he's sure tonight is "the nite" and after tonight she's gonna want it again and again....so he gets the 9 pack .. later that nite they're all seated and about to eat when Johnny starts praying and praying.. his new girlfriend leans over and says, "I didn't know you were so religious" and Johnny says, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"

My friends were shocked that I wasn't a good electrician.

Little Johnny comes home from sunday school with a black eye.

His father sees it and says, “Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?”

“But Dad, it wasn’t my fault.

We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt.

I reached over and pulled it out.

That’s when she hit me!”

“Johnny,” the father said.

“You don’t do those kind of things to women.”

Sure enough, the very next sunday Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.

Johnny’s father said, “Johnny, I thought we had a talk!”

“But Dad,” Johnny said, “It wasn’t my fault.

There we were in church saying our prayers.

We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt.

Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out.

Now I know she doesn’t like this, so I pushed it back in!”

One day Johnny got home early from school and his mom asked, “Why are you home so early?” He answered, “Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class.” She said, “Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?” Johnny replied, “The question was ‘Who threw the trash can at the principal’s head?'”

That porno joke made me spit my beer laughing out loud Johnny!

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

Get off your moral high horse and ignore the snowflakes!

One Thanksgiving, a man walks into his house with a turkey under his arm.

He walks up to his wife with it and says, “This is the pig I’ve been having sex with.”

His wife says, “That’s a turkey.”

The man replies, “I wasn’t talking to you.”

This woman was lonely as Thanksgiving was approaching. She didn’t want to celebrate alone and fancied a bit of adventure, so she posted an ad in the local newspaper that read: “Looking for man to share Thanksgiving with these qualifications: Won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, is great in bed.”

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but none of the men who called took her fancy.

Then one day her doorbell rang. When she opened the door, there was a man there with no arms and no legs.

He said, “Hi, I’m Bob. I have no arms so I won’t beat you up and no legs so I won’t run away.”

So the woman asked, “What makes you think you’re great in bed?”

Bob replied, “I rang the door bell, didn’t I?”

One night a man walked into a bar with an alligator.

He stood up on the counter and announced, "If i stick my cock and balls into this gators mouth, let the gator shut his jaws and pull them out without a scratch on 'em you'll all buy me a drink."

The crowed looked up at the man and nodded with glee.

So the man whipped out his cock and balls and stuck them in the gators mouth then shut the gators jaws.

A few moments later he hit it on the head with a beer bottle and the gators mouth flung open, he pulled his genitalia out without a scratch.

As he was collecting his first free drink he looked to the crowed and asked if anybody would like to try.

A hush blew over the crowed.

All of a sudden a hand shot up in the back. "I would," said the blonde lady, "if you promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle."

There can be 100 people in a room & 99 of them won't slap you, but one Will

A man comes home one day full of excitement, saying to his wife, "Guess what honey? Pack your bags, I won the lottery!" The wife squeals with delight and says, "That's great! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says, "I don't care, just pack your bags and get out!"

I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked how I could tell them apart. I said Lisa painted her fingernails purple and Bob had a weiner.

I asked my doctor for advice on how to lose weight.

He said "Don't eat anything fatty."

I said "Thanks"

He said "you are welcome fatty."

Q-What's the hsrdest thing on a moderator?

A- 2nd grade.

Some call 69 nasty. Others see it as a nice dinner for 2

There's a nun having bath when she hears a knock at the door. A bit worried she shouts, "who is it?" "It's Johnny the blind man." He says. So she shouts, "Well come in." And as he comes in the bathroom he says, " nice teets, where did u want the blinds?!"