(Topic ID: 175061)

What's Your Best Joke, Pinball-Related or Otherwise?


By Dooskie

2 years ago



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  • 326 posts
  • 153 Pinsiders participating
  • Latest reply 5 hours ago by JohnnyPinball007
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There are 326 posts in this topic. You are on page 7 of 7.
#301 3 months ago

Guy asks his wife if she would like to have a little nookie this evening.
She replies that she has gynecologist appointment tomorrow and would rather not.
Guy replies “Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?”

#302 3 months ago

Adult film starring corn?

A corno

#303 3 months ago
Quoted from CNKay:

I went to a buddies house to play pinball.
What's this shit on the floor? I ask.
He replies oh that's Kaneda passed out.
Wife says, good thing you didn't step in it!

2 months later
#304 4 days ago

I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle, bought a bottle of whiskey and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off my bike the bottle would break.. so I drank all the whiskey before I rode home. Turned out to be a good idea, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home. Imagine what would have happened to the bottle.

#305 4 days ago

There was a guy that worked his whole life in the same old 9-5 job. He always thought his wife was cheating on him while he was at work, but never knew for sure.
Then suddenly one day he gets laid off. He comes home early. His wife is in a kinky outfit in their 3rd story apartment, and there is the smell of cigar smoke in the room. He goes nuts, WHERE IS HE, WHERE IS HE? She says there is no one here, why are you home early?
He goes to the window of the apartment, and sees a guy walking 3 stories below on the sidewalk smoking a cigar and whistling happily. In anger he says there he is, and his adrenaline kicks in and he actually picks up their fridge, throws it out the window, and kills the guy on the sidewalk.
A few minutes later, he hears sirens, and knows his life is ruined. 1. His wife was always cheating just as he had thought. 2. He had just been laid off from a great job and would probably never get a great job like that again. 3. He had just murdered a guy on the sidewalk.
So, he did the only thing he could figure to do at the time, he jumped out the window and committed suicide.
Now...…..we have 3 souls at the gate of Heaven. The angel asks why are any of you here, it was not your time. The first guy says I was just walking down the sidewalk smoking my cigar and whistling because I was in a great mood, and this guy throws a fridge out the window and kills me. They look at the 2nd guy and he says, yeah, after I killed him, I knew I would get the chair, or rot in jail, so I ended my life without all that. THEN, they look at the 3rd guy, and he says, I was just sitting in this fridge, and...….

#306 4 days ago

I woke up this morning and discovered someone stole my car.

I was going to call the police.

Then I thought F' it. Let the thief explain to the police why the bodies are in the trunk.

LTG : )

#307 3 days ago

A doctor sits down to write a prescription. He pulls a rectal thermometer out of his pocket. He says dammit, some asshole has my pen.

#308 3 days ago

My existence.

#309 3 days ago

I was driving one night and started hearing a thumping in the trunk.

I stopped to investigate. I opened the trunk and find a body in there. I'm like, "what the F' ? " . I remember putting two in there.

LTG : )

#310 3 days ago

A man was driving down the road with his 8 year old son in the car with him. They passed 2 dogs having sex. The son said what are those dogs doing daddy? The dad, not wanting to go into the birds and bees just said son, that dog on top has injured his front paw, and the dog on bottom is trying to help him home. The son then said Daddy, that is like a real life story about people also. The Dad, puzzled by this comment says what do you mean son? The son says well sometimes you try to help someone and you get screwed.

#311 3 days ago

Ever heard of a Freudian slip?

No what's that?

I stepped up to the counter at the airport and the woman behind it was well endowed, I said 2 Pickets to Tittsburg please.

Oh yeah, I know what you mean. Last night I was at home eating dinner with my wife and I meant to say, Honey can you please pass the salt? Instead I said, marrying you ruined my life!

#312 3 days ago

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.

The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"

"Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad.

The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"

"One," said the young salesman.

"Only one?!" blurted the boss. "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well," said the salesman, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook???"

"No...." answered the salesman, "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, "Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing."

#313 3 days ago

A man and his son go into a bank. They get in line behind a very large lady. The son turns to his father and says, "That woman is fat!."

The father says, "Yes son, but be quiet. That isn't nice to say about people."

All of a sudden the woman's beeper goes off. The son screams at his father, "Watch out, she's backing up!"

#314 3 days ago

A young man wished to buy a pair of gloves for his sweetheart's birthday. So he went to an expensive boutique, bought the finest gloves available, and asked the saleswoman to have them delivered with a note. While wrapping the gloves, a clerk accidentally mixed up the order and sent a pair of panties instead. Here is the note the young man wrote to his sweetheart:

Darling,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but because your sister wears the short ones that are so easy to remove, I decided to get the same style for you.

Although these are a delicate shade, the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for three weeks, and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on for me and she really looked smart.

I wish I could be there to put them on for you for the first time. No doubt, many other hands will touch them before I see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. And be sure to keep them on while cleaning them so they don't shrink.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year! Hope you like them and will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love,

Hollingsworth

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

#315 3 days ago

Okay, this is it for the night:

*Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
*Virginity like bubble, one prick and all gone.
*Man who run in front of car get tired.
*Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*Man who scratches ass. should not bite fingernails.
*Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.
*Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
*War doesn't determine who is right war determines who is left.
*Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
*Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
*Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
*Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
*Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
*Crowded elevator smells different to midget.

#316 3 days ago

Well, one more....

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put the glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday the priest took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, the priest started to get nervous so he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm! Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet on his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, do not say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace for a meal is not: "Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub, Yea God!"
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling at St. Taffy's.

#317 3 days ago
Quoted from Dooskie:

*Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

A kiss is an upper persuasion for a lower invasion.

LTG : )

#318 2 days ago

I think my wife is messing around on me. I was working out of town and was missing her so I called her a said, "Honey, I was just thinking about the last time we made Love." And she said, "Who is this?"

#319 1 day ago

I have more jokes for later, right now I wanted to share a story I thought was funny, this is not a joke.
This guy that puts up metal buildings once had a crew working on something in Panama City. He was on another job and not there. He gets a call that a laborer of his had fell off a roof and was in the hospital. When he gets there his other employees inform him that Carlos had done some drugs, and was also drunk, and they had tried to just leave him at the motel and not even take him to the job. So anyway now, Carlos has a lawyer already, and going to try to sue. The company owner talks to his own lawyer. His lawyer says this will cost some money, but will probably work, and save you on future insurance increases. He says to go to the bank, get 100 20 dollar bills, 100 10 dollar bills, and 100 5 dollar bills. Dump them all in a paper bag, and go to the hospital with this paper. Tell Carlos we can settle now and he can have all this money if he signs this paper. The plan works and Carlos is happy, but the lawyer he hired is not. I think that lawyer ended up being sued for harassment.

#320 1 day ago

About 7 years ago now Bill was on his way to the White House to have dinner with the President and his family. As he went through the gate he seen a old friend working the guard post. The guard had some really good booze and Bill had way too much to drink with him. After getting back in his car to finish the drive in he accidently ran over the Presidents dog. Bill was panicking, he did not know what to do. While he was sitting there he noticed something shiny that was mostly buried. He dug it out with his car key and rubbed it off to see what it was, and it was a lamp. And yes, a genie pops out and says I can give you one wish. Bill says I thought it was 3, genie says no, only one. Bill says I just accidently killed this dog, and I really need this to be fixed. Can you bring this dog back to life? The genie looked at the dog and said sorry this dog is too messed up, is there any other wish? Bill thinks for a moment, then takes out his wallet. Bill says this is a picture of my wife, and this is a picture of my girlfriend Monica. Can you make my wife look like Monica? The genie studies the pictures a few minutes then says...lets take another look at that dog.

#321 1 day ago

Whats the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead bodies?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

#322 1 day ago

Long before the internet was invented a guy was looking at for sale ads in his local newspaper. He loved pinball machines, he already owned 2. Anyway he spots a ad for 3 NIB pinball machines for $10.00 each. He thought this has got to be a misprint or something, but he decides to go check it out anyway. When he gets to the address, it is a very nice house, like a mansion almost. He rings the doorbell and a very good looking blonde answers. Long story short, not only was she only asking 10.00 each for the pinballs, he also picked up a corvette less than 6 months old for $100.00, and all kinds of great deals. Then it hit him, this is too good to be true, this stuff must be stolen. He nervously asks the blonde why she is selling all this stuff at such a great price. She shows him a note from her husband that reads "Hey, I am leaving you, I am running off with my secretary to live in the Bahamas. Please sell all my stuff and send me the money".

#323 1 day ago

Why did the Turkey cross the road twice?

To prove he wasn't a chicken.

#324 17 hours ago

I just returned from a pleasure trip - dropped my mother-in-law off at the airport.

#325 6 hours ago

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."

#326 5 hours ago

Long ago in a small town in the south there lived a woman named Tootie Green. She was a ho, alcoholic, etc. Some members of the community were always trying to get her to change her ways and get her to go to church. One Sunday morning the Reverend notices a woman sitting on the front pew in a mini dress with no drawers on, and he could see everything the way she is sitting. The Reverend leans over to the music director and whispers "is that Tootie Green"? The music director looks and whispers back "I think that is just the way the light is shining on it".

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