Sometimes, when you want to instill a pause and stun their verbage, I reply with this one when the Ladies get on my case, all worked up and start generalizing:

You men drive me CRAZY!

Why?

Because you're soo stupid!

Just remember, we were made stupid so we could love you.

Little Veronica got her first period. Confused and frightened, she decided to ask her pal, Little Johnny, if he could figure out what was going on down there. So she pulled down her pants and pointed to her crotch. Johnny became serious and said: “You know, I’m not a doctor, but it looks to me like someone just ripped your balls off!”

********

Teacher tells little Johnny off, “You know very well you can’t sleep in my class, Johnny.”
Johnny admits, “Yes, I know miss. But maybe, if you didn’t speak quite so loud, I could.”

********

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, “Mommy, can little girls have babies?” “No,” said his mom, “Of course not.” Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, “It’s okay! We can play that game!”

The teacher called Little Johnny to her desk. She said: “This essay you’ve written about your pet dog is exactly the same essay your brother has written.” “Of course it is.” said Johnny. “It’s the same dog.”

*******

The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word “definitely” in a sentence.

Little Johnny replies: “Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?”

The Teacher says: “Of course not Johnny.”

To which Johnny replies: “Then I have definitely shit my pants.”

******

A teacher said to her class, “I’m going to hold something under the desk and i want you to guess it.
This one is round and red.”
Little Johnny’s hand shot up, but he was ignored.
“It’s a plum miss,” said a girl.
“no it’s an apple, but i like your thinking.
The next one is oval shaped and green.”
The teacher ignored Little Johnny again and a boy said, “It’s a kiwi miss.”
No, it’s a guana, but i like your thinking.”
Little Johnny said, ” I got one miss, its stiff, about an inch long and with a red nib.”
“Johny, thats disgusting!” shouted the teacher. ” no it’s a match, but i like your thinking.”
Said Little Johnny.”

Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher. She says, “Hello class, I’m Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an “r” after the first letter.” The entire class says, “Hello Mrs. Prussy.” A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is. Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, “I remember it has an “r” after the first letter.” “That’s right!” she coaxed. Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, “Mrs. Crunt?”

*****

One day mom was cleaning Little Johnny’s room. In the closet she found an S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting to her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. She finally asked him, “Well, what should we do about this?” Dad looked at her and said, “Well, I don’t think you should spank him.”

******

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and placed it on the apple tray, "Take only one. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. Little Johnny whispered to nearby kid, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

A lot of people don't know this. But JohnnyPinball007 is truly a great man. Years ago he once saved my life.

I was walking out of the Flamingo in Las Vegas. And these three huge mob types grabbed me and started beating the crap out of me.

A little while later JohnnyPinball007 steps outside of the Flamingo and calmly says, " that's enough".

I'll always be grateful to JohnnyPinball007 for saving me.

LTG : )

Was this JohnnyPinball007?

BBB9A20A-9964-4694-8B36-8C3B0300F272.jpeg

Yes. The tall one.

LTG : )

I believe in a better world where chickens can cross the road. Without have their motives questioned.

I've got a perfect body. But it's in the trunk and starting to smell.

LTG : )

I accidently swallowed some SCRABBLE tiles and now I am experiencing constant vowel movement.

The next trip to the bathroom could spell "disaster" .

Soleil Moon Frye developed a supplemental Covid shot.

It's the Punky Booster.

When I was kid, they told me when I grew up, I could be whomever I wanted to be.

It turns out, that's not true.

Identity theft is a crime!

TIL that Austrian physicist Erwin Schrodinger suffered from a debilitating bowel condition that would often result in him soiling himself unexpectedly. However, it was impossible for him to tell when he had had an accident, and lived in a perpetual state of both being soiled and unsoiled simultaneously. This became known as Schrodinger's Scat.

WOMEN

A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions, and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

No wait...

Sorry.

I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that...nevermind....

LTG : )
Disclaimer : What doesn't kill me had better run.

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I cannot seem to keep wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program.

Can you please help me !!!???

Thanks,
A TROUBLED USER

------------------------------------------------------------

Dear TROUBLED USER,

This is a very common complaint, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by it's creator to run everything.

It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings- Alimony/Child support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and deal with the situation.

I suggest installing background application program C:YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of C:YES DEAR because ultimately you may have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high-maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 3.1 and Diamonds 2K. Do not, under any circumstances install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of Luck,
Tech Support

Little Johnny decided to go skiing with his best buddy, Lloyd. So they loaded up Johnny’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Little Johnny said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Little Johnny got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend LTG and asked, "Lloyd, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?" "Yes, I do." said Lloyd "Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Well, um, yes..." Lloyd said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?" Lloyd’s face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

Little Johnny says, "She just died and left me everything."

I really wanted to cook alligator tonight for dinner, but all I had was a Croc-Pot

Chris

So this woman had some heart troubles….

She went to see her doctor who prescribed testosterone.

About a month later she returns for a checkup. Doctor asks her how she’s been. She says: "Fine, but I have some unexpected hairgrowth in unusual places."
Doc says: "really? Like where?"

She says: "around my balls"…

I'm glad for you JohnnyPinball007 .

I got my rocks off. I'm good.

LTG : )

I'm making a list of the worst places to get unexpected diarrhea

Number 2 may surprise you

A good joke should have unexpected turns, cross a few lines, keep you on the edge of your seat, make you wonder how the hell it's all gonna end and may even make you piss yourself. Pretty simple guidelines.

I try to use them when I make jokes. My wife tried to use them when she drove me to work today.

A man Runs Over a woman's Cat. Mortified, he picks up the cats body and knocks on the woman's door.

Seeing the cat, she bursts into tears.

"I'm sorry." Said the man, "I didn't see him until it was too late."

Feeling bad for the distraught woman shedding tears, he tries to make it right.

"I'd like to replace your cat." He said.

Wiping tears away with a glimmer of hope in her eyes, she replies, "Well OK, but you need to be good at catching mice?"

The crocodile farm:

There was a group of tourists visiting a crocodile farm in the Florida Keys and they were standing on a floating structure in the middle of an enormous lake, surrounded by crocodiles.

Suddenly, the farm’s owner shouts, “The first person to jump into the lake and successfully swim to shore, will receive 10 million dollars.”

The silence was deafening. People were looking at each other with expressions of absolute horror on their faces.

Then suddenly, a man jumps into the water and starts swimming like his life depended on it.

As the other visitors watched events unfold, the man headed for the shore, with a dozen crocodiles chasing in hot pursuit, all anticipating of an unexpected meal.

The crocodiles were fast but the man swam like greased lightning, and he managed to reach the shore unharmed.

As the man staggered up the beach, the owner announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner!”

After receiving the reward, the man and his wife returned to their hotel.

The man’s face was still ashen, as he said to his wife, “I didn’t jump. I was pushed by someone.“

His wife smiled and with a wink of her eye, said, “I know dear, it was me!“

Moral of the Story: Behind every successful man, there’s always a woman to give him a little push.

Aging Realities

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

13. I run like the winded.

14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb

Etch A Sketch FAQ

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the
screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a new document?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don`t shake it.

A pregnant woman was walking past the bank one day when she heard three gun shots...

The woman awoke to the sound of small voice cooing as she slowly tried to grasp her surroundings. As she awoke, laying in a hospital bed, in pain and confusion, the doctor explained that she was caught in the crossfire of an active bank robbery and was shot in the stomach 3 times. Miraculously, the doctors were able to save all three of her babies, and even luckier, she got to meet them that day.

Two beautiful girls and one perfect boy.

15 years later the woman was enjoying her morning coffee when her first-born daughter bashfully entered the room-
“Um... mom.... I think I have a problem... I was using the restroom and I heard a metal ‘ding’, and I think I peed out a bullet!!”
The mom sighed and chuckled a bit, then told her daughter about the day she was born.

Two days later, the woman’s other daughter knocked on her mom’s bedroom door. “Mom, can I talk to you please.” It turns out she too was peeing when she unexpectedly heard the metal cling of a bullet hitting the toilet. Her mom took her into her room and told her the same story from two days prior.

4 days later, the woman hears a scream from the basement, her son. “MA’ COME HERE QUICK” she heard from downstairs. “Let me guess, son, you were taking a pee and out came a bullet?” “Uh, no. I was jerking off and I shot the dog”

It’s a post office workers last day delivering mail.

At each of the houses he gets a little present.

At one house, a lady opens the door only wearing a garter belt and stockings.

She gives the mailman a long kiss, walks him upstairs and gives him a ride to remember.

Afterwards, she makes him a nice lunch and gives him a dollar bill.

Mailman: That was unexpected and fantastic, but why?
Lady: I asked my husband what we should give you for your last day. He said, “Fuck him, give him a dollar”. Lunch was my idea!

A few years ago a nice lesbian couple moved in up the street. The first Christmas they were here they gave me a Rolex. I guess they got confused when I said "I wanna watch".

I don't even wanna know what a "fist Christmas" is!

The typo made me laugh more.

What's a fist that doesn't hurt ?

A pacifist.

LTG : )

What do you call a lesbian with thick fingers.

Well hung.

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to New York and the other to Washington. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.
At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why Hooters?"

"They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs."

"You're on."

At age 42, they meet and play golf again

"Where you wanna go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Again? Why?"

"They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."

"OK."

At age 52 they meet and play again.

"So where you wanna go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking." "OK."

At age 62 they meet again. After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."

"Good choice"
At age 72 they meet again. Once again, after a round of golf, one says,

"Where shall we go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts."

"Great choice."

At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Because we've never been there before."

“Okay, let’s give it a try."

Thanks for bringing it all together. You always make me smile Lloyd!

Chris

JohnnyPinball007 said “I can’t wear a face mask because my nose is too big” and LTG replied “That’s no excuse. I can wear pants”.

Superman's flying around metropolis and he's horny as hell. He's checking out the rooftops and all of a sudden he sees Wonder Woman sunning herself on the roof of the Justice League. I mean she is lying there buck naked and spread eagle. Looks like she wants to get fucked right? So Superman starts thinking to himself, "Man I gotta get myself some of that wonderpussy." and then he realizes that he can fly down, do a little fast pumping and be gone before she even sees him. Because he's Superman. he's faster than a speeding bullet, right? So Superman, he swoops down, he fucks her so quick, she doesn't even see him. Wonderwoman sits up and says, "What the fuck was that?" and The Invisible Man says "I don't know but my asshole is killing me."

I like what mechanics wear, overall.

Dad joke ( ie Dad terrorism )

Sit your kids down. Tell them you need to discuss something very serious with them. Really play it up.

Tell them you went to the doctor recently and have some very bad news.

Let their anticipation build. When they finally ask what is wrong.

Tell them the doctor says you have a crack in your butt.

LTG : )

That porno joke made me spit my beer laughing out loud Johnny!

There’s so much nudity everywhere you look. I just sit here shaking my fist.

A guy sits down next to a little old lady on an airplane. He turns to greet her and sees that she has little bitty carrots in her ear.

He says, "I couldn’t help but notice that you have carrots in your ears."

When she doesn’t respond he says louder, "Ma'am, you have carrots in your ears."

She turns to him and says sweetly, "Young man, I can’t hear you. I have carrots in my ears."

That's your BEST joke?

No, it’s this one:

A cowboy ties his horse up to the hitching post at the saloon.

The horse says, "Hey, bring me out a beer."

A dog sitting by the door says, "Now I’ve seen everything— A talking horse."

On second thought, this is my best joke:

Two ducks are swimming around a pond. One goes, "QUACK!”

The other duck goes, "I was just about to say that."

(This is a repeat, but he wanted my best jokes.)

A man goes to a psychiatrist about nightmares he's having.

He tells the doctor, "I have this reoccurring dream. It’s always the same, only sometimes I’m a pup tent and sometimes I’m a teepee."

The doc says, "You're two tents."

——
A guy asks his psychiatrist "What's wrong with me?"

Psychiatrist says, "You're crazy."

"I want a second opinion."

"You're ugly, too."

What do you call bears with no ears ?

B

LTG : )