What did Alexander The Great and Winnie The Pooh have in common ?

They both had the same middle name.

LTG : )

What did the horse say when he fell down?

Help! I've fallen and I can't Giddy-Up!

I childproofed my house
Somehow they still got in!

My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.
I’m not too worried — I think she’s jokindkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf

A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”

“Welcome back to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today!”

What’s the last thing to go through a fly’s head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 miles per hour? Its butt.

When you walked into a bar and there was a lengthy line of individuals ready to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.

A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone. It’s either terrible news or great news.

How many pinheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

5. 1 to change the lightbulb and 4 to say how much better the last one was.

My boss said to me, “You’re the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?”
I said, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”

I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99 percent of you will never get it.

I have a fish that can breakdance.
Just for 20 seconds though and only once.

My favorite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.

A boy was determined to burn his home down. His dad watched in tears as the house burned. He put his arm across the mother and stated, “That’s arson.”

My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.
She still isn’t talking to me.

What is an ambulance's favorite game console?
Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U.

---

I just threw a ball for my dog...
It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday, and he looks great in a Tuxedo

---

A horse walks into a bar…
The bartender says, "Why the long f--" when suddenly the horse cuts him off.

"I've heard that a million times. 'Why the long face, haha!' I hear that everywhere I go."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," says the bartender. "Other than that, how's your life?"

The horse responds with, "Stable."

You know when geese fly south for the winter, one line of the V formation is always longer…do you know why? Because it has more geese in it.

Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen?
They develop hives.

----

Albert Einstein was a genius.
But his brother Frank was a monster.

-----

Why do golfers take an extra pair of socks when golfing?
Just in case they get a hole in one.

JohnnyPinball007 is in a bar one night having a drink. He spots a beautiful woman, about his age.

She comes over to him and they have a few drinks together. She asks him if he's ever had a sportsman's double. He said he didn't think so and asked what's that ?

She replied a threesome with mother, daughter, and you. He said no.

He's ecstatic. If the daughter is beautiful like her mother, this is his lucky day.

She told him that tonight is his lucky night. They have a couple more drinks and go to the ladies house. He's so excited he can hardly control himself.

Once inside the lady calls upstairs, "mother, are you up ?"

LTG : )

JohnnyPinball007 walks into a bar carrying a box.

The bar tender asks what's in the box ? JohnnyPinball007 says something you've never seen before. The bar tender has seen a lot so he tells JohnnyPinball007 if he hasn't seen anything like it before, he'd let him drink all night for free.

So JohnnyPinball007 opens the box and pulls out a small piano, and a small man. The small man starts playing the piano.

The bar tender says he's never seen anything like it, so starts giving JohnnyPinball007 drinks.

He asks JohnnyPinball007 where he got it. He pulls out a brass lamp. He said I found this lamp and rubbed it. A genie appeared and granted me one wish. And told me if anyone ever did me a kindness to pass the lamp along. So JohnnyPinball007 gave the lamp to the bar tender.

The bartender rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared and said he could have one wish. The bartender thought and all of a sudden there were ducks all over the bar quacking and crapping. Making a huge mess.

The bar tender told JohnnyPinball007 I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks. What the he** ? Johnny said, you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist ?

LTG : )

JohnnyPinball007 dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter greets him in and gives him a pink cloud to float around on and a harp.

After a week or so JohnnyPinball007 is getting pretty bored contemplating doing this for eternity.

So he peeks over the edge of his cloud and he can see all the way down into hell.

He sees LTG : ) sitting there with a gorgeous blonde woman on his lap and a keg of beer next to him.

JohnnyPinball007 is thinking WTF ? So he works his way over to St. Peter. JohnnyPinball007 tells him I tried to lead a good clean life on earth, and got my just rewards and was sent to heaven. I was given this pink cloud and harp. But looking down into hell, it seems LTG : ) got a better deal ?

St. Peter looks down into hell and turns to JohnnyPinball007 and says. That kegs got a hole in it and she don't.

LTG : )

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

A pinball rolls into a Doctor's office and says: "Doctor, I'm depressed. I'm bald, fat and I get pushed around at work".

I saw these labels at a fast food restaurant next to the soda dispenser. It gave me a good laugh.

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All one joke ...

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COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living

EYEDROPPER: A clumsy Ophthalmologist

HEROES: What a guy in a boat does

LEFT BANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money
------------------------------

· I found out that I've been happier since the change from coffee in the morning to orange juice. My doctor explains that it's a vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it was really the vodka.
· Apparently, you can't use beef stew as a password. It's not stroganoff.
· If you don't think punctuation is important, try forgetting when you tell someone “I'm sorry, I love you.”
· All of these calling for Mother's Day to be changed to a “Special Persons” day, you already have a day of your own. It’s April 1.
· A Spanish musician told everyone he would disappear. He said Uno, Dos, then disappeared without a tres.
· Al Pacino's brother, Cap, is a very successful businessman who is famous for his coffee.
· Stephen King has a son named Joe. I'm not joking.
· Do you know the famous French general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart.

What's the difference between a hooker, a lover, and a wife?

The hooker says "Faster! Faster!"

The lover says "Slower! Slower!"

The wife says "Beige, I think I'll paint the celling Beige!"

Q: What has a 'bottom' at its top?

A: Legs

I don't know why but this one cracks me up everytime. (told to me by a 5 year old boy)

Veteran rock musicians Roger Daltrey, Keith Moon, Pete Townshend, and John Entwistle broke into an animal hospital today and set free all of the doberman pinschers. The police said that they now have proof that The Who let the dogs out.

Initially the spread of Covid was droplets from the nose and mouth.

Studies now indicate the continued spread is from assholes.

Humberto walks into the doctors office to talk about his biopsy results. He noticed a new, stunning receptionist at the counter. Wow! He thought, What a beauty! So, Down the hall talking with the doctor the doc says." Humberto, I have good news and bad news" Humberto says "What's the bad news" Doc says "Your cancer is everywhere" Humberto ask, "Well what could possibly be the good news?" Doc says. "Did you happen to noitce my new receptionist?" Humberto says,"Yes I did" Doc said," I'm doing that"

Lately I’ve been telling people my bowling score and my golf score are about the same.

Always gets a good laugh when they think about.

But I’m not joking

2 policemen went on patrol and at 4 o'clock at night when they suddenly saw an older man walking alone in the street wobbling and barely walking a straight line.
They stopped him for questioning, make sure he's not drunk in public or getting into a car to drive home. "Where does sir come from please?" They asked him.

"I come from the best place in the world!" He answered in a very slushed voice. "This is my favorite bar that has the best drinks and the nicest girls! Each one is friendlier than the next!" The man continued and winked at the cops.

"It sounds like a great place." Said one of the officers. "And where are you going at a time like this? Shouldn't you be in bed?"
"What? sleep!? No way, I'm on my way to a lecture on alcohol addiction and its effects on the body, the harms of smoking and proper social behavior."

"Reaaaally?" an officer said dubiously, exchanging knowing looks with his partner. "Are you sure you didn't drink too much tonight? I seriously doubt anyone is giving lectures on these topics at a time like this."
The man sighed and said, "Tell that to my wife...

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passengers had been killed.
As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.

The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes."

"What else?"
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"
"Yes."
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, and smoking marijuana before they wrecked."
"Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving." motioned the monkey.

A man in his mid-forties bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, then 100, and finally reality hit him and he knew he shouldn’t run from the police, so he slowed down and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
“It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy thinks for a second and says: “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”
“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer, and walked away.

A man decides he wants to fish. Unfortunately, his favorite spot became illegal to fish in. Undeterred, he fishes for 2 hours, and at this point, he already has a bucket full of fish and he’s still fishing. 

Out of nowhere a cop comes in and tells him:
"You know you can’t fish here, right? It’s illegal, I’m gonna have to arrest you.”
The man hides the pole and replies:
“Oh no no those are my pet fish. I just come here every week or so drop them in the pond, and once they are done swimming they jump back in and I go home.”

At this point the officer smirks, he knows he’s lying, so he says:
"Well then show me, if you can truly show me that they will do that then I’ll let you go.”
The man agrees and dumps the fish into the pond,

A few minutes pass...

“So when are the fish jumping back in the bucket?” Asks the officer smugly.
“What fish?" says the man.

Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?

A: Nobody cries when they chop up a banjo.

I was on a regular drive to work when suddenly a police car flags me down to stop.
I await nervously while he saunters over and raps his knuckles smartly on my window.

Cop: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

Me: "Because of the-"

Car driving by: HONKKKK

Me: "Because of the-"

2nd car driving by: HONKKKKKKK

Me:

Cop:

Me: "Because of the-"

3rd car driving by: HOOONNNNKKKKKKK!!

Me: Because of my “Honk if you think cops are idiots’’ bumper sticker?

Why do bagpipe players walk as they play?

To get away from the sound.

How are bagpipes and incoming missiles alike?

By the time you hear them, it’s too late.

*WARNING* NSFW

I didn't see this one already...

This is the story of Sammy, he is a spermatozoa.
Sammy spends all day working out, getting ready for the big day.
He runs, he lifts, he squats, he does cardio, Sammy even does leg day.
All the other sperm laugh and joke about Sammy. Yet this does not phase him, he never misses his work outs.
Then one day all the boys are sitting around watching Sammy sweat, and things start to really heat up.
All of a sudden, the bell rings, this is is boys Sammy shouts! Off they go.
Naturally Sammy is tails ahead of the pack, so much so, they loose sight of him.
Then, all of a sudden, Sammy is swimming the wrong way, right into the others, what the hell are you doing Sammy?
Go back, go back he shouts, its only a blow job!

Did you know that 6 out of 7 dwarfs for Snow White were not Happy?

Good joke, but a better set up might be:

Living with Snow White caused severe depression among the Dwarves. 6 out of 7 were not ....

My thirteen year old daughter asked me if I knew the difference between apples and orphans.
When I said no, she replied "apples get picked".

Now questioning if I'm a fucked up parent, or if I deserve a medal for raising a kid with a off the beaten path sick sense of humor.

She sounds like a normal, well grounded youngen
The world needs more humour.

What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

This goes out to Brass Against The Machine.

You know, my pinball collection isn't all that impressive, but once my dick was in the Guiness Book of World Records.

Then the librarian called the cops.

Two antennas got married. The wedding was bad, but the reception was great.

What's red and has seven dents?

Snow White's cherry

To the people who were offended by my joke,
get a real life, find some humour, go outside to breath, stop reading joke threads, get off you moral high horse, words can not hurt you, learn to turn the other cheek, have a beer with an Aussie, ask yourself was it worth reporting to feel good, understand that others may find it funny, try to be tolerant and most of all
GROW UP, you are looking at a joke thread.

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My moderation for a topical joke may be the last straw of participating in what is a Great forum which I enjoyed.
Its just happening way too much these days and people gotta learn to live, laugh and love.
Can anyone recommend a good joke forum?

(Pirate voice) What is a pirates favorite cheese?

Havarrrrti!

I will show myself out.

I have never reported any post to a moderator for offensive content.

However, I have been down voted, and I've down voted others and I've also been moderated. It's no big deal to me either way.

But take your own advice and grow up rather than publicly whine about how upset you feel about being moderated.

A woman was having a new date over for dinner.

"My two specialties are meatloaf and peach pie." she says.

"I see" said her date, "and which one is this?"

It is grown up to show the cancel culture that exists today.
I had to speak up for the few who don't.

Get off your moral high horse and ignore the snowflakes!

I scrolled back 2 pages….who was offended? The CEO of IKEA or a Swede? That’s all I could find?
Regardless, jokes are just that…jokes.