LeBron is a whiner….wouldn’t be surprised if he had you moderated!

Back in the day we might just say ,"too soon" and then circle it and move on. Groucho Marx said,"you can't have comedy without tragedy". Everyone's sense of humor is different,I for one like dark comedy. It's the shock value that makes me giggle. I get that there is a time and a place to use a filter but a joke thread shouldn't be one of them. So tell your jokes people, and if you read someone's joke that offends you... Don't laugh at it. Give it a thumbs down and scroll to the next one.

Knock knock...
who's there?

Ike...
Ike who?

Ike ant say,I might offend someone.

Just like the Kink's lyrics, "It's a mixed up, muddled up, shook up world".

Sorry Gilligan, it is whining to complain to everyone in this thread about being moderated.

This is Pinside. They have moderators.

What did the turkey say to the hunter on Thanksgiving ?

Quack Quack

LTG : )

What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children ?

If your father heard you he'd turn over in his gravy.

LTG : )

One Thanksgiving, a man walks into his house with a turkey under his arm.

He walks up to his wife with it and says, “This is the pig I’ve been having sex with.”

His wife says, “That’s a turkey.”

The man replies, “I wasn’t talking to you.”

This woman was lonely as Thanksgiving was approaching. She didn’t want to celebrate alone and fancied a bit of adventure, so she posted an ad in the local newspaper that read: “Looking for man to share Thanksgiving with these qualifications: Won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, is great in bed.”

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but none of the men who called took her fancy.

Then one day her doorbell rang. When she opened the door, there was a man there with no arms and no legs.

He said, “Hi, I’m Bob. I have no arms so I won’t beat you up and no legs so I won’t run away.”

So the woman asked, “What makes you think you’re great in bed?”

Bob replied, “I rang the door bell, didn’t I?”

"I am Officer Harrison. Face Time message for Mrs Jones".
"Face Time message? Can you sing it to me?"
"I am afraid Mrs Jones it just won't be appropriate."
"Please, I am an elderly woman and I just need some joy in my life."
"Okay. Tra la la, tra la la, your daughter, son-in-law and grandchildren were killed in a car crash."

At boot camp the Captain came over to Sarge.
"Sarge, you have a private in your company named Jones who's father died of cancer. You need to break the news to him gently".
"Yes, sir."
Sarge assembled the troops.
"I want all of you men and women who have a living father to step forward - not so fast, Jones."

My wife came to me and said she wanted bigger breast and it will cost around 7 thousand, I said to just get toilet paper and rub it on your chest once a day. She asked "how can that make my breast bigger?" I said, "I don't know but look what it did to your ass!"

So I got my Pfizer booster yesterday, you know Pfizer, maker of the magic blue pill... well now my arm is all stiff.

Christmas is a lot like your job— you do all the work and a fat guy in a suit gets the credit!

From one of my Canjun friends:

Boudreaux and Fabiana had recently stared dating.
Boudreaux was taking her out and were driving down a moonlit road one wet, stormy night.
He desperately wanted to impress her, thinking of how he could do so when she shrieked as a little black animal had almost been hit by them.
She told him to pull over and rescue the little fella. Boudreaux, again wanting desperately to woo Fabiana, stopped and snatched up that little critter. However he quickly realized it was a baby skunk.
Being Cajun, Beaudreaux knew what to do, he told Fabiana to keep the little critter in the crotch of her jeans for warmth until they could place it somewhere safe.
But Fabiana asked Boudreaux, what about the smell? To which Boudreaux simply stated, just pinch it's little nose.

I remember the first time I had sex. boy, I was scared. well, it was dark, and I was alone.

If a megaphone makes your voice bigger, what does a microphone do?

If adults commit adultery, do infants commit infantry?

If "pro" and "con" are opposites, is CONgress the opposite of PROgress?

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother .

Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?

The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, 'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'

The fairy godmother replied, 'It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?'

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, 'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years. And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: 'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
'Bet you're sorry you neutered me.'

LTG : )

If flying is so safe, what do they call an airport building a terminal?

It was the morning of a big trial. The judge called the attorneys back into his chambers for a conference.

“Mr. Smith, a few hours ago, your clerk slipped me $8,000 in a brown paper bag."

"Mr. Jones, shortly after that, you handed me a folder with $9,000 in it."

"Now, Mr. Jones, here is $1,000 and I will decide this case on the merits."

John was running late to his meeting with his probation officer. He was told prier that if he was late again, he goes straight back to the big house. He is trying to find a parking spot but there all full. he looks up to the sky and says, "Lord, please find me a parking spot. I will stop drinking, stealing, doing drugs" just then a parking spot appears. John looks up and says "never mind Lord, I found one"

My friend has a DeLorean, but he only drives it from time to time.

Repeat after me and get louder each time...

Owa

Tagoose

Iyam

Elon Musk, President Biden, the Pope, and a schoolboy were flying in an airplane together. Unexpectedly, a bird flew into the plane's engine, causing the plane to enter a tailspin. To their horror, they realized the plane only had three parachutes.

"I'm the CEO of SpaceX and Tesla! If I die, the stock will crash and hundreds of people could lose their jobs!" said Elon, as he straps on a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

"I'm the president of the United States! If I die, it will be a serious blow to the entire nation!" said the president, as he took a parachute and jumped.

The Pope said to the schoolboy, "Take the last parachute and don't think twice about it, little boy. You may consider that a commandment from God."

The schoolboy took the parachute, strapped it onto his body (the Pope helped him get it fastened and gave him instructions on how long to wait to pull the release), and jumped.

Then the Pope lifted the pilot in his arms like a baby and flew down to earth under his own power, landing without a scratch.

Am I missing something?

This joke typically ends with there is still a parachute left - the president, Elon Musk, Henry Kissinger, Smartest man in the world, etc. jumped out with the boy's backpack. Even with the actually punchline, not so funny...

An early version was as an ethnic joke. The joke was in seeing the group you hate get stuck in the crashing plane.

Gary Stern, people say you're over the hill but don't you believe them. Why, you'll never be over the hill! Not in the car you drive!

Gary Stern is not what you'd call wordly. He thinks the English Channel is a British TV station and not a body of water separating England and France.

Gary Stern isn't the biggest sports fan. I took him to the ball game and he showed up toting a double-barrelled shotgun. I said "What the H did you bring that for?" He said "I heard the lions were playing the tigers."

bob saget roast norm macdonald (resized).png

This piece just surfaced, a buddy of mine did this for me about 10 years ago. Makes me giggle when I see it.

IMG_20220123_022329003 (resized).jpg

Whats the difference between Betty White and Paul Walker?

Paul hit 100 before he died!

An old farmer drove to a neighbor's and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
The farmer asked, "Is your dad home?"
The boy replied, "No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
The farmer said, "Well, is your Mother here?"
The boy said, "No sir, she went to town with Dad."
The farmer said, "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
The boy said, "No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
The boy said, "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment, "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

LTG : )

the square root of 69 is 8 something...

took a second but YEAH!

I had to think back to around age 12 to recall that one.

I asked my grandpa what's the quickest way to the lake. He said are you walking or driving. I said I'm driving. he said that's the quickest way.