A retired rock star was in New York for a charity concert at the hole in the wall venue where he'd had his first performance on his first tour, decades ago. He'd kept his suit jacket from that time, all these years, and brought it to wear.

Putting on the jacket before the show, he automatically checked the pockets and found a claim ticket for a shoe repair place. He remembered that all those years ago, he had taken his shoes to be repaired, and was probably too stoned after the concert to remember to pick them up before he left for the next concert on tour.

He checked the web and found that the shoe shop was still in business, just around he corner from the theater. He had an hour to kill before the show, so he went over.

There was a young kid behind the counter. The rocker gave the kid his autograph, on the old claim stub.

The kid told him,"We haven’t used these tickets since my granddad had the store. But, there has always been a pile of old stuff in a closet, maybe your shoes are there." The kid goes in the back to look.

A few minutes later, he comes back out, blowing the dust off an old shoebox.

"I think I found them!" he said. "Were they black and white wingtips?"

"Yes, yes they were."

"And they needed the left heel replaced?"

"Why, yes, that's right!"

"They'll be ready Tuesday."

Two ducks are swimming around the pond.

One goes, "Quack!"

The other goes,"Oh my god, I was just about to say that!"

A couple in their 90s was in court for a divorce. They’d been married since just after high school.

The judge asks,"You've been married for so long, why do you want to get divorced after all This time? What happened?"

"We wanted to wait until the children were dead."

So, a cop pulls a guy over and he walks over to the driver. "Your eyes look red" he says, "have you been drinking?"

The guy says to the cop,"Your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating donuts?"

Zen master to hot dog vendor: "Make me one with everything."

The hot dog guy gives him a hot dog and the Zen Master pays with a $20. The hot dog guy just puts the $20 in his pocket.

"Hey, What about my change?"

The vendor says, "Change must come from within."

How do you know that an elephant has been in the refrigerator?

By the footprint on the pizza.

A duck walks into a bar, hops up onto a bar stool, then onto the bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

"No," the barkeep answers, "we don't keep any grapes here."

The duck hops down and leaves.

The next day, the duck comes in, hops up onto a bar stool, onto the bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

"No," the barkeep answers, "I told you yesterday we don't have any grapes. And we don't like ducks, so if you ask me again, I'm going to nail your feet to the bar. Now, get out of here."

The duck hops down and leaves.

The next day, in comes the duck. He hops up onto the bar and asks, "Got any nails?"

"No, we don't have nails here."

"Got any grapes?"

A sheltering in place joke....

My wife yelled from upstairs, asking,"Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

Concerned, I yelled back up, "No, never have."

"How about now?"

Why is it important in that story that the guy is Jewish?

A man is visiting his friends out at their farm. As they are sitting in the porch drinking lemonade, a sheep with only three legs walks by.

The farmer Says, "That's one amazing sheep. Last year, we were being robbed at gunpoint and that sheep busted through the door, butted the robber outside and to the ground, and kept him there until the police came."

Last month, I had fallen and couldn’t get up. Martha wasn’t around, but the sheep went and got the neighbor over."

Last week, our grandbaby was over, and the sheep kept watch over him like a nanny."

The friend was understandably impressed.

"What happened to his leg?" the friend asked.

"Well, you know, a good sheep like that, you don’t eat him all at once."

Mama and papa weevil sent their two boys out into the world.

One went to California, got a job in the movies, and became a big star.

The other one stayed in town, got a job and settled down.

He was the lesser of two weevils.

Twin boys were adopted out at birth. The adoption agency gave one to a family in South America, who named him Juan. The other was adopted by a family in the Middle East. His name was Amal.

As adults, they found each other on line and set up a visit at a nice beach resort with the birth parents. The press had gotten wind of it, and were all set to cover the reunion of the two brothers. Unfortunately, due to the pandemic, Amal's flight was canceled at the last minute.

One of the reporters asked the parents if they weren't disappointed, only getting to visit with one of their sons.

"Not really," the mother replied, "If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

There's a record store and the sign in the window says "Hard to find records and tapes."

I went in, and nothing was alphabetized.

(A Mitch Hedberg joke.)

When it started getting cold in Minnesota one year, this guy goes in to buy a couple pairs of flannel lined pants.

The clerk asks,”How long do you want them?”

“Oh, ‘till about May.”

A man has suspected for quite some time that his wife is fooling around, but he's not sure so he hires an investigator.

The investigator follows the wife around taking pictures. The next week he is showing the pictures to the husband.

"This is your wife with a younger man at the mall. Its hard to see in the pictures, but I think they are holding hands.

"This next one is them in your wife's car in the driveway.

"I shot the rest of the pictures through the windows from across the street.

"This is them in the living room. They could be kissing.

"This is them going upstairs to the bedroom.

"This is them sitting on your bed. Then they turned out the lights so I couldn't take any more pictures."

The husband claps his hand to his head in anguish," Oh, these doubts are killing me!"

This is sort of a pinball joke. Many years ago, my brother gave family friends his Royal Flush. Its been in our friend's garage for 20 years, untouched. The out hole wasn't working, so they covered it with black tape. Second punchline: He's an electrician.

"Good morning. Smith, Smith, Smith & Smith, how may I help you?"

"I’d like to speak with Mr. Smith, please."

"Mr. Smith passed away last year."

"Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Can I speak with Mr. Smith?"

"Mr. Smith is in trial all week."

"Oh. Is Mr. Smith available?"

"Mr. Smith is currently on vacation."

"Well, then, Mr. Smith, please."

"Speaking."

A former associate of a prestigious law firm calls his former boss:

"Higgenbothem and Jones Law Firm, may I help you?"

"I’d like to speak to Mr. Higgenbothem."

"I’m sorry, Mr. Higgenbothem died in a car wreck last week."

"Oh, ok."

"Higgenbothem and Jones"

"Mr. Higgenbothem, please."

"I’m sorry, Mr. Higgenbothem has passed away."

"Ok"

"Higgenbothem and Jones"

"Mr. Higgenbothem, please."

"Look, I’ve told you twice already that he's dead."

"I know. I just like hearing you say it."

A man who was well known for coming up with clever tricks and positions in bed came up with an idea for a threesome. He would have both women lay on their backs next to each other, with himself in the missionary position above and centered between them. The idea was that as he pulled out with each stroke, he would switch from one girl to the other.

He found two women willing to try it out, but it didn't work. Eventually, they got up for a break and some drinks.

When they got back in bed, the girls had traded places. Now it all worked great and everyone had fun. It was the end of stroke switch, after all.

Ohm thinking that a spanking would have been better punishment, because it hertz. Watt was his resistance to being grounded?

The COVID meme isn’t accurate. Proportionally speaking, very few in the U.S. have it. But anyone could get it. The chance that you have it right now is quite a different thing than how easy it is for you to get it. Stay safe my friends.

Telling your spouse this is absolutely the last one!

I was working at home reviewing a contract, looking for the sanity clause, until my kid said there is no Sanity Claus. (loosely based on a Marx Bros. joke)

A Pinsider is restoring his friend's Heat Wave and asked me to scan my plastics. So many great Pinsiders have helped me out since I joined last year. I was truly glad to pay it forward and help this guy out.

But, I didn't expect it to be so hard. I mean, it took three guys and my wife to hold the machine upside down over the scanner!

We are finally going to need a new tree next year.

The one we have is just fine. But the box is ruined.

A priest and a rabbi were playing pinball. (See, it’s pinball related humor!)

The priest asks the rabbi,"You're not supposed to eat pork, but tell me, have you ever tried it?"

The rabbi admits that he did try pork once.

When his turn was over, he asked the priest, "You aren’t supposed to have sex, but have you?"

And the priest admits that he has had sex.

"It’s a lot better than pork, isn’t it!"

A couple gets married and on the night of their honeymoon the wife tells the husband "Please be gentle when you make love to me because I'm still a virgin."

The husband stares at her in shock and asks "How's this possible? You've been married three times before."

The wife responds "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

This is a screenshot from a game I played years ago. Too bad they didn’t take the word- it used all seven letters.

6CDB6377-7925-4518-8813-21AD310B2B6F (resized).jpeg

"Boat 99, your time is up. Please return to the dock."

"Boss, we only have 75 boats."

"Boat 66, are you OK?"

The Canadian version of Take The A Train—

Take The Train, Eh.

There are a lot of street magicians these days. There was a really good one who went down the street and turned into a bar!

And Chutzpah is best explained by the story of the man who murdered his parents and begged for the mercy of the Court, being an orphan.

A guy pulls into a gas station with a couple of penguins in the back seat.
"Hey buddy," the attendant says, "you gotta bring those penguins to the zoo."
The driver says, "Yeah, okay, that's a good idea."

A few days later, the same guy pulls into the station to fill up again, and the penguins are still sitting in the back seat. "Hey, I thought I told you that you should bring those penguins to the zoo," the attendant says.

"Oh, I did," said the driver. "We had a great time."

A man sleeps on his deathbed in his bedroom for days. But, this evening, the smell of fresh baked cookies wakes him. He slowly gets up. Moving slowly, he makes his way down to the kitchen. His wife is there, baking. The cookies are on the kitchen table on a cooling rack.

He reaches for a cookie when his wife whacks his hand with a wooden spoon, saying, "Those are for the funeral!"

What does a kleptomaniac do when he feels bad?

He takes something for it.

That story was shocking!
You better give him other outlets.
I hope you handled it cordially.

If he's low on neutrons, you can usually get them at no charge.

Etch A Sketch FAQ

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the
screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a new document?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don`t shake it.

A guy sits down next to a little old lady on an airplane. He turns to greet her and sees that she has little bitty carrots in her ear.

He says, "I couldn’t help but notice that you have carrots in your ears."

When she doesn’t respond he says louder, "Ma'am, you have carrots in your ears."

She turns to him and says sweetly, "Young man, I can’t hear you. I have carrots in my ears."

No, it’s this one:

A cowboy ties his horse up to the hitching post at the saloon.

The horse says, "Hey, bring me out a beer."

A dog sitting by the door says, "Now I’ve seen everything— A talking horse."

On second thought, this is my best joke:

Two ducks are swimming around a pond. One goes, "QUACK!”

The other duck goes, "I was just about to say that."

(This is a repeat, but he wanted my best jokes.)

A man goes to a psychiatrist about nightmares he's having.

He tells the doctor, "I have this reoccurring dream. It’s always the same, only sometimes I’m a pup tent and sometimes I’m a teepee."

The doc says, "You're two tents."

——
A guy asks his psychiatrist "What's wrong with me?"

Psychiatrist says, "You're crazy."

"I want a second opinion."

"You're ugly, too."

Why do bagpipe players walk as they play?

To get away from the sound.

How are bagpipes and incoming missiles alike?

By the time you hear them, it’s too late.

You know, my pinball collection isn't all that impressive, but once my dick was in the Guiness Book of World Records.

Then the librarian called the cops.

Two antennas got married. The wedding was bad, but the reception was great.

A woman was having a new date over for dinner.

"My two specialties are meatloaf and peach pie." she says.

"I see" said her date, "and which one is this?"

Christmas is a lot like your job— you do all the work and a fat guy in a suit gets the credit!

It was the morning of a big trial. The judge called the attorneys back into his chambers for a conference.

“Mr. Smith, a few hours ago, your clerk slipped me $8,000 in a brown paper bag."

"Mr. Jones, shortly after that, you handed me a folder with $9,000 in it."

"Now, Mr. Jones, here is $1,000 and I will decide this case on the merits."

My friend has a DeLorean, but he only drives it from time to time.

An early version was as an ethnic joke. The joke was in seeing the group you hate get stuck in the crashing plane.

And… How do you get to Carnegie Hall?

Practice, practice, practice.

My favorite superhero is TypoMan. He writes the wrongs.

How do you torture an old school pinball technician?

Tie him to a chair and make him watch you fold a schematic the wrong way.

Lady, this vacuum cleaner will cut your work in half.

Great! I’ll take two of them.

And if I keep moving half the distance to the door with each advance, I’ll never get there.

A man calls the doctor in a panic.

Doctor, my wife's contractions are only two minutes apart!

Is this her first child?

No, its her husband.

My neighbor keeps over-watering his lawn.

It’s very irrigating.

My new pen writes underwater… and a bunch of other words.

Doctor, for the past eight months, my husband thinks he is a lawn mower.

Why did you wait so long to see me?

Our neighbor just brought him back.

If she sits on your face, she owns you.

Squatter's rights.

What time of day do parents change the most diapers?

During the wee hours.

My wife thinks I don't give her enough privacy. At least, that's what she says in her diary.

I was at the Museum of Natural History this weekend and saw my ex-wife across the gallery.

But, I decided not to say, "hi". There was too much history between us.

I can't help being a pessimist- my blood type is B-Negative.

Yes, that happens sometimes. But it may be a new joke to someone who just recently joined the list and is reading it for the first time.

I sure wouldn’t expect everyone to catch up on years of jokes— they’d never have time for pinball!

FYI- Don’t do math when you’re drunk; it’s not good to drink and derive.

My wife asked if our son is spoiled.

I said I think they all smell that way.

I was browsing Amazon looking at rice cookers.

Here is what people bought after looking at the rice cooker.

rice_cooker_amazon (resized).jpg

The little photon did not bring any luggage because it's traveling light.

My three favorite things are eating my pets and not using commas.

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on it.

Thanks! I couldn’t think of that next one.

What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

I got arrested today for walking out of an art gallery with a painting.

I'm just so confused because earlier when I asked the security if I could take a picture they said "yes".

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

Walk him and pitch to the rhino.

What's the worst part of elephant hunting?

Carrying the decoys.

Three women are walking home from the pub when they come across a man passed out, face down in the road.

The first woman says,"Well, it’s not my husband. That's not his coat."

They turn hum over to see his face and the second woman says,"I don’t know who he is, but he's not on our block."

The third woman unbuttons his pants, takes a look and says,"He's not even from our village!"

It’s all black on my iPad.

The last words spoken at the Last Supper:

“Everyone who wants to be in the picture get on this side of the table!”

I gave a blind friend a piece of matzoh. He said,”Who wrote this crap?”

Not quite a joke, but funny—

These lacy panties came in a box of Sherwin Williams cotton rags.

It’s Sherwin Williams rags for me from now on!

Image (resized).jpeg

A toddler is making sand castles on the beach. A big wave rolls in, sweeping the boy out to sea.

His mother frantically prays for her son's safe return and another wave comes in, leaving the boy unharmed right where he was.

The mother looks up to heaven, "He had a hat!"