Not mine, but some one liners from one of my favorites, Mitch Hedberg:
I write jokes for a living, man. See I sit in my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny and then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.
I think Big Foot is blurry, that's the problem.
I like rice. Rice is great if you want to eat 2,000 of something.
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.