Oh yes, some of the best one liners are probably not very appropriate here..
So, Why did the Blond bring 16 of here friends to the movies?
"Under 17 wasn't permitted"
Okay, maybe a little lame....
Rodney Dangerfield (they'll never be another one like him)..
" I cut way down on smoking. Me and my wife agreed we'd only smoke after sex.
I've been on the same pack for the past 4 years. What bothers me is my wife's up
to 3 packs a day".....
BTW, that was a nice clean M.J. joke...

I like that one..

A Guy walks into a bar and said, Bartender, anything but a Heineken.
Bartender gives him a beer, he drinks it, and again, hey Bartender, anything
but a Heineken..
After a couple more orders of anything but a Heineken, the Bartender said,
hey Mister, I don't want to pry into your business, but what is it you have against Heineken?
Well, the last time I had Heineken, I drank 24 of them, went home, and blew
chunks for 20 minutes.
Bartender: If you drink 24 of anything, you're bound to blow chunks.
No Bartender, you don't understand. Chunks is my dog..

I might as well squeeze this in..
What did the green grape do to the purple grape?
"CPR"

Okay anyways:
Lone Ranger and Tonto got caught on Indian territory and the Chief did not like this.
He said to the Lone Ranger, this is bad, very bad. In three days you die. Do you have
any request? Lone Ranger said yes. Whispers in Tonto's ear. Tonto jumps on his horse and hauls.
In the early evening, Tonto comes back with a nice looking brunette. The Lone Ranger and her goes in
a Tepee. The next morning the Chief said, that is good. Very good. But makes no difference, in two days
you die. You have any other request? He whispers in Tonto's ear. Tonto jumps on his horse, and books.
That evening Tonto comes back with a beautiful blond. The blond and Lone Ranger goes in a Tepee, comes
out the next morning and the Chief said, I'm impressed. Very Impressed. But doesn't matter. Tomorrow you
die. Do you have one last request? Yes, but this time I want to talk to Tonto alone. He brings Tonto to the
side, shakes him by the shoulders, and yells "I Said Bring Back Possi!!!

The other night my wife asked to pass her the lipstick,
but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.
She still isn't talking to me..

How about a Jamaican? You need to be fast to haul ass around a block twice to once again
meet her..

You know my wife's a bad cook. Last week the flies pitched in to get the
screen door fixed. Rodney Dangerfield..

Last week my credit card got stolen. I didn't report it.
He spends less than my wife. R.D.

That's Funny..