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(Topic ID: 175061)

What's Your Best Joke, Pinball-Related or Otherwise?


By Dooskie

4 years ago



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10
#5 4 years ago
Quoted from Dooskie:

I need to look up what a necrophiliac is....

Don't.

LTG : )

26
#6 4 years ago

I always liked, "why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat ?"

Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the f**king boat.

LTG : )

#22 4 years ago
Quoted from TimeBandit:

This is officially the world's best joke..

LTG : )

#39 4 years ago

What goes clip clop clip clop bang bang bang. Clip clop clip clop bang bang bang ?

Drive by in an Amish neighborhood.

LTG : )

#81 3 years ago
Quoted from Billc479:

Why did the chicken cross the road? To prove to the possum it could be done.

(Insert most popular local road kill in place of possum)

To prove to the armadillo it could be done. Texas speed bumps, they call them.

LTG : )

1 year later
#111 2 years ago

Me and Mr.68 were walking through a haunted cemetery one evening. About half way through Mr.68 remarked it sure was scary in there.

I said "tell me about it, I'll be going out of here alone".

LTG : )

#116 2 years ago

A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No", says the Canadian "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi, I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

LTG : )

4 months later
13
#138 2 years ago

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

LTG : )

#149 2 years ago

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.
He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9" high and sets him on the counter.
He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.
He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.
This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says, "Here. Rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
"I will grant you one wish... just one wish... each person is only allowed one!"
The bartender gets real excited Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another.
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
"No s@#t!!" says the man, "Do you really think I asked for a 9-inch pianist?!"

LTG : )

#154 2 years ago

Got this in e mail today
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this."
He told Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the
agent's arm. The agent said, "Good boy", and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" said his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.

The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb."

LTG : )

#157 2 years ago

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall ?

Dam

What do you call a fish with no eyes ?

Fsh

LTG : )

#158 2 years ago

Why don't dinosaurs talk?

Because they're dead.

How do you make anti-freeze ?

Take away her blanket.

LTG : )

1 week later
#239 2 years ago

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

LTG : )

#241 2 years ago

Why don't Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus have any children ?

.
.
.
.
.
.
Santa Claus has popcorn balls.
LTG : )

#243 2 years ago

What is red and green and goes around ?
.
.
.
.
.
.
Frog in a blender.
LTG : )

2 weeks later
#264 1 year ago

Two Italian men riding on the bus:

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two paychecks come together. I come once-a-more. Two paychecks, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

LTG : )

3 months later
#291 1 year ago

I was taking a shortcut through a cemetery one evening as the sun was setting. Three girls approached me and asked if they could walk with me.

I said sure. They started talking about how a cemetery was scary at night and they were glad they weren't alone.

I told them walking through cemeteries used to scare me too, back when I was alive.

They sure could run fast.

LTG : )

3 months later
#306 1 year ago

I woke up this morning and discovered someone stole my car.

I was going to call the police.

Then I thought F' it. Let the thief explain to the police why the bodies are in the trunk.

LTG : )

#309 1 year ago

I was driving one night and started hearing a thumping in the trunk.

I stopped to investigate. I opened the trunk and find a body in there. I'm like, "what the F' ? " . I remember putting two in there.

LTG : )

#317 1 year ago
Quoted from Dooskie:

*Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

A kiss is an upper persuasion for a lower invasion.

LTG : )

1 month later
#371 1 year ago
Quoted from ZNET:

This funny sign appears atop a South Park

That sign and a Cartman figure for on top the game, came with the game.

LTG : )

1 month later
#389 1 year ago
Quoted from JohnnyPinball007:

no one has told me a decent joke in a long time now.

Why does my ex remind me of Kentucky Fried Chicken ?

Because once you get past the breasts and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

LTG : )

4 months later
#420 9 months ago

What's the hardest part of having sex in a graveyard ?

All that digging.
LTG : )

1 month later
#423 8 months ago

A German man was driving to France. Upon crossing the border into France the customs official stopped him.

What's your name ?
Heinrich Becker
Occupation ?
Nein, just visiting

LTG : )

#425 8 months ago

I had a strange occurrence today.

My business is closed. I have 2/3rds of the lights on. Scrubbing and mopping the floor. I hear a knock on the door. I thought maybe the mail man ?

I go look. It's a lady. I open the door a crack and asked what she wanted. She said she'd trade me a blow job and a big piece of crumb cake for a roll of toilet paper.

LTG : )
Disclaimer : In case you were wondering. When I ate the crumb cake I discovered it was raspberry.

2 weeks later
11
#441 7 months ago

A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell in to a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?
(yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)

'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks'

LTG : )

#444 7 months ago
Quoted from LOTR_breath:

Did you hear about the man with five penises? His pants fit him like a glove...

Hollywood Knights

LTG : )

#450 7 months ago

A woman is at home
When she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door in disgust... The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man, and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'. She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'. The next morning they hear a knockat the door and both
Run for the door.
The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'.
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. Do you have vagina'....... 'Yes' she says...... The man replies Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours'?

LTG : )

10
#458 7 months ago

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting in the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his money down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."

LTG : )

16
#467 7 months ago

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Baltimore Ravens. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Ravens go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his Mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says." You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,...

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Baltimore !!!!

LTG : )

#487 7 months ago

What do you call a hooker with no legs ?

Half off.

LTG : )

#494 7 months ago
Quoted from PeeCee68:

The person who guessed correctly gets to pocket the difference!

Someone at the bank took the opportunity to get a little extra for themselves.

Many times in history post Civil War to the 1930's, that well known bank robbers were accused of robbing banks, that they were never at or even near. Grab some money, call the police, claim famous bank robbers just left.

LTG : )

#498 7 months ago
Quoted from PeeCee68:

You are on the right track! But the true humor (this is more of a satirical humor and not a joke...) is really about WHO pocketed the difference.

The humor can be found in the response of the gang leader:

“What @#$& !! We risked our lives and possible imprisonment, and we only got a tiny slice! That god damn branch manger made out like a pig with just a few keystrokes!”.

Not knowing who was there right then. Could have been bank president, manager, teller, or even a janitor.

LTG : )

#500 7 months ago

Two bored casino dealers are working the crap table.

A very attractive blonde woman walks up and bets twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

Glancing a them coyly, She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she strips from the neck down, rolls the dice and yells, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice come to a stop, she jumps up and down squealing... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

Ecstatic; she hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departs....

After watching her cross the casino and head out the doors, the dealers turn and stare at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asks, "What did she roll?"

The other one answers, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

LTG : )

#517 7 months ago

A couple drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the
car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private
parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd. She looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

LTG : )

#523 7 months ago

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add ephasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol . . . . . . Dead

The second worm in cigarette smoke . . .Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . . Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil . . .Alive …

So the Minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . . "As long as you drink, smoke
and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

LTG : )

#530 7 months ago
Quoted from Hayfarmer:

make him Irish

Knock knock

Who's there ?

Irish

Irish who

Irish I was Irish

LTG : )

#533 7 months ago

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably p****d.

4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.

6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That now makes 1,500 days in a row.

8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

9. Dear paranoid people who check behind your shower curtains for murderers. If you happen to find one, what's your plan?

LTG : )

1 month later
#568 6 months ago

What's the difference between a pile of dead bodies and a corvette?

I don't have a corvette in my garage.

LTG : )

3 weeks later
15
#591 5 months ago

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

LTG : )

#593 5 months ago

I knew a hooker with no legs. She was half off.

LTG : )

#598 5 months ago

It was so hot today. I saw a funeral procession pull through a Dairy Queen.

LTG : )

#602 5 months ago

It was so hot out.

The devil started sending people back because it was cooler in hell.

LTG : )

#625 5 months ago

A die hard union man decides to visit a whorehouse.

He enters. Asks the madam if all her girls are union girls. He can't make love to a non union girl. She says no. He leaves. She calls the other whorehouses and warns them that he's headed their way.

He goes into another whorehouse. Enters. Asks the madam if all her girls are union girls. She says yes. So he pays her. She parades all the beautiful young ladies by him to make his selection. He picks one.

Then the madam stops him. She says, "no, you take the old one in the corner". He looks at the woman and sees an ugly old woman. He asks, "why can't I have the one I picked ?" The madam says, "because the old ugly one has the most seniority".

LTG : )

1 week later
#637 4 months ago

You think there is nothing better than hearing the laughter of a baby.

Unless it's 3am.

And you are all alone.

And you don't have a baby.
LTG : )

1 week later
#642 4 months ago

What's invisible and smells like carrots ?

Bunny farts.

LTG : )

3 weeks later
#666 3 months ago

Your momma so fat she doesn't have a naval ring. She has a trailer hitch.

Your momma so fat. You family has to hire rodeo clowns to keep her busy when you try to bring groceries into the house.

LTG : )

#668 3 months ago

Your momma so fat if she sat in a hot tub she'd make her own gravy.

Your momma so fat if she fell out a window she'd go up.

LTG : )

15
#670 3 months ago

John took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked the man. "I want to get weighed," said the girl. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded,
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
"Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

LTG : )

#675 3 months ago

A young Irish couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride and said: "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your trousers," she said.
"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the one who wears the trousers in this relationship."
With that she flipped him her knickers and said: "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your knickers!"
She replied: "That's right... and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

Two sausages were frying next to each other in a pan.
One looks at the other and says, "Geez! It sure is hot in here!"
The other looks back and says, "Holy S***!! A Talking Sausage!!"

LTG : )

1 week later
#684 3 months ago

What has four letters. Sometimes nine letters. But never has five letters.

LTG : )

#691 3 months ago
Quoted from Apinjunkie:

Your an ass but I got to admit, you got me thinking.

Thank you.

LTG : )

1 month later
11
#712 62 days ago

What do you do with an elephant with three balls ?

Walk him. Pitch to the giraffe.

LTG : )

1 month later
#723 10 days ago

What is red and white and falls down chimneys ?

Santa Klutz

LTG : )

#735 7 days ago

How many Teamsters does it take to change a light bulb ?
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Twelve
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.
.
You got a problem with that ?
LTG : )

#744 5 days ago

What do you call a hooker with no legs ?
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.
.
.
.
Half off.
LTG : )

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