There was a guy that worked his whole life in the same old 9-5 job. He always thought his wife was cheating on him while he was at work, but never knew for sure.
Then suddenly one day he gets laid off. He comes home early. His wife is in a kinky outfit in their 3rd story apartment, and there is the smell of cigar smoke in the room. He goes nuts, WHERE IS HE, WHERE IS HE? She says there is no one here, why are you home early?
He goes to the window of the apartment, and sees a guy walking 3 stories below on the sidewalk smoking a cigar and whistling happily. In anger he says there he is, and his adrenaline kicks in and he actually picks up their fridge, throws it out the window, and kills the guy on the sidewalk.
A few minutes later, he hears sirens, and knows his life is ruined. 1. His wife was always cheating just as he had thought. 2. He had just been laid off from a great job and would probably never get a great job like that again. 3. He had just murdered a guy on the sidewalk.
So, he did the only thing he could figure to do at the time, he jumped out the window and committed suicide.
Now...…..we have 3 souls at the gate of Heaven. The angel asks why are any of you here, it was not your time. The first guy says I was just walking down the sidewalk smoking my cigar and whistling because I was in a great mood, and this guy throws a fridge out the window and kills me. They look at the 2nd guy and he says, yeah, after I killed him, I knew I would get the chair, or rot in jail, so I ended my life without all that. THEN, they look at the 3rd guy, and he says, I was just sitting in this fridge, and...….

A doctor sits down to write a prescription. He pulls a rectal thermometer out of his pocket. He says dammit, some asshole has my pen.

A man was driving down the road with his 8 year old son in the car with him. They passed 2 dogs having sex. The son said what are those dogs doing daddy? The dad, not wanting to go into the birds and bees just said son, that dog on top has injured his front paw, and the dog on bottom is trying to help him home. The son then said Daddy, that is like a real life story about people also. The Dad, puzzled by this comment says what do you mean son? The son says well sometimes you try to help someone and you get screwed.

I have more jokes for later, right now I wanted to share a story I thought was funny, this is not a joke.
This guy that puts up metal buildings once had a crew working on something in Panama City. He was on another job and not there. He gets a call that a laborer of his had fell off a roof and was in the hospital. When he gets there his other employees inform him that Carlos had done some drugs, and was also drunk, and they had tried to just leave him at the motel and not even take him to the job. So anyway now, Carlos has a lawyer already, and going to try to sue. The company owner talks to his own lawyer. His lawyer says this will cost some money, but will probably work, and save you on future insurance increases. He says to go to the bank, get 100 20 dollar bills, 100 10 dollar bills, and 100 5 dollar bills. Dump them all in a paper bag, and go to the hospital with this paper. Tell Carlos we can settle now and he can have all this money if he signs this paper. The plan works and Carlos is happy, but the lawyer he hired is not. I think that lawyer ended up being sued for harassment.

About 7 years ago now Bill was on his way to the White House to have dinner with the President and his family. As he went through the gate he seen a old friend working the guard post. The guard had some really good booze and Bill had way too much to drink with him. After getting back in his car to finish the drive in he accidently ran over the Presidents dog. Bill was panicking, he did not know what to do. While he was sitting there he noticed something shiny that was mostly buried. He dug it out with his car key and rubbed it off to see what it was, and it was a lamp. And yes, a genie pops out and says I can give you one wish. Bill says I thought it was 3, genie says no, only one. Bill says I just accidently killed this dog, and I really need this to be fixed. Can you bring this dog back to life? The genie looked at the dog and said sorry this dog is too messed up, is there any other wish? Bill thinks for a moment, then takes out his wallet. Bill says this is a picture of my wife, and this is a picture of my girlfriend Monica. Can you make my wife look like Monica? The genie studies the pictures a few minutes then says...lets take another look at that dog.

Long before the internet was invented a guy was looking at for sale ads in his local newspaper. He loved pinball machines, he already owned 2. Anyway he spots a ad for 3 NIB pinball machines for $10.00 each. He thought this has got to be a misprint or something, but he decides to go check it out anyway. When he gets to the address, it is a very nice house, like a mansion almost. He rings the doorbell and a very good looking blonde answers. Long story short, not only was she only asking 10.00 each for the pinballs, he also picked up a corvette less than 6 months old for $100.00, and all kinds of great deals. Then it hit him, this is too good to be true, this stuff must be stolen. He nervously asks the blonde why she is selling all this stuff at such a great price. She shows him a note from her husband that reads "Hey, I am leaving you, I am running off with my secretary to live in the Bahamas. Please sell all my stuff and send me the money".

Long ago in a small town in the south there lived a woman named Tootie Green. She was a ho, alcoholic, etc. Some members of the community were always trying to get her to change her ways and get her to go to church. One Sunday morning the Reverend notices a woman sitting on the front pew in a mini dress with no drawers on, and he could see everything the way she is sitting. The Reverend leans over to the music director and whispers "is that Tootie Green"? The music director looks and whispers back "I think that is just the way the light is shining on it".

What kind of wood doesn't float?

Natalie Wood

How do you make a dead man float?

You will need a blender and 2 scoops of ice cream.

So, this guy goes to a nude beach, and he falls asleep. When he wakes up he is like crap, I have to hurry, I have a 2nd date with this blond at my house and I promised to cook her dinner.
Well, things are going great during dinner, until all of a sudden the guy realizes his private part has been badly sunburned and the pain is getting unbearable.
He tells his date to excuse him he needs to go to the kitchen. The only thing he can think of to quickly relieve his pain is a cold glass of milk.
So, he is standing there with his stuff in the glass of milk, and she walks in and sees that, and she says "Wow, I always wondered how men loaded those things".

3 pregnant ladies were having lunch and having a casual conversation. The red head mentions that she is having a boy, because she had been on the bottom. The brunette says oh great, then I must be having a girl because she had been on top. The blonde starts crying. The other 2 ladies look at her and say what is wrong? The blonde says "I am having puppies".

A country boy was marring a city woman. He was kind of afraid that she had been around, and he was still a virgin.
His Daddy told him on your honeymoon, the first time you expose your private part say Honey, do you call this a penis or a dick. If she calls it a penis she is most likely a good girl. If she calls it a dick she has probably been around. Anyway, the country boy remembers this advice and the first time they get naked he asks the question: "honey, do you call this a penis or a dick"? She says "that is a penis". He says "whew, I am glad you did not call it a dick". She says "a dick is bigger than that".

The following joke can be customized any way you want it. I heard it as a political joke, so I am just saying person one and person 2 in the joke.

If person one and person 2 were both drowning, and you only had enough time to save one of them...…….what kind of sandwich would you make?

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Not a joke, more like a trivia question, not sure if even true, but I heard this years ago...

What is the only mammal other than humans that have sex for pleasure?

dolphins

How do you make a hormone?
Don't pay her.

Why is pubic hair curly?
You'd poke your eye out if it were straight.

A state patrol officer was on his way back to the office when suddenly the car in front of him that had been doing the speed limit suddenly accelerated greatly. The chase got so fast and dangerous spike strips were used. When it was all over the officer asked the man why he had sped up and did all this.
The man said well, 3 months ago my wife ran off with a state patrol officer, and when I seen you in my mirror I was afraid it was you trying to bring her back.

Husband to wife "hey honey, what would you say if I told you I won the lottery"?
Wife "I would say I am taking half of it and leaving you immediately".
Husband "ok, well I won 10 bucks, here is a five, see ya bye".

There are 3 kinds of sex.
1. house sex - when you first get together and do it all over the house.
2. bedroom sex - after everything settles down you usually just stick to the bedroom.
3. hall sex - after you have been together for way too long and are sick of each other and passing in the hall you say F___ YOU!

Wow, 15 days and no jokes. Hell, right now I can not think of a decent one but I do have a old bathroom wall story: Back when I was 8 years old I went into a restroom while traveling with my Dad. On the wall someone had written a poem that I have never forgot, it said:

Some people come here to sit and think.
Some people come here to shit and stink.
But I come here to scratch my balls, and read the writing on the walls.
signed, the shithouse poet.

That was very funny as a 8 year old, and still ok even today I think.

I will try to come up with more jokes soon, just very odd no one has told me a decent joke in a long time now.

I would give you sir 10 stars if I could! You are just all over this site helping people and just so awesome!

And that joke was very good and I had never heard it.

pm me if you are ever in the Atlanta area. There is a very good seafood restaurant a block from here I will buy your dinner, for not only the help you gave me, but also the help you gave others on this site that also helped me when I was having the same issues and did not post.

This couple had been dating a few weeks when the man announced that he wanted to take her to a baseball game. While happy to be going on another date she was also nervous because she had never even seen a baseball game on TV, and knew nothing about the game.

Her co-worker told her to just do whatever he does and it should go well.

So at the game, she seen him jump up and yell run m-efer run everytime someone was on their way to first base. So she kept doing the same thing and the date was going great.

Then later in the game, this one player was walking to first base, she jumped up and yelled run m-efer run! He said honey, that player does not have to run, he has four balls. She said oh, and then jumped up and yelled strut m-efer strut!

A woman was pregnant and her and her husband went to the doctor. During the labor portion and the wife was moaning and crying her husband said "Come on, really? How painful can it be? The doctor said there was a new device that could pass a portion of the pain to the father, if he was willing to try. The husband agrees and the wife is fitted with this little strap with an antenna attached. As the pain increased for his wife the doctor turned a little dial and increased the amount of pain to her husband. The husband said he was fine and couldn't feel anything...so the doctor increased the percentage a little more...he still said he felt nothing...so the doctor turned it up higher until the machine was like 80% being passed to the father. The husband never complained once. The baby was born and the next day they returned home...as they approached the front door to their house...there was their Mailman lying dead on the porch.

COSTCO DOCTOR

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity....
It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Costco!"

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm
sample from himself for good measure. Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars,
pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Costco!*

(a friend emailed me this)

: Thoughts on the virus

•Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

•I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

•Still haven't decided where to go for Easter ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom

•PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

•Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.

•I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone

•This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.

•Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

•My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

•Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.

•I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?

•I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.

•Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

•Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.

•Better 6 apart than 6 feet under ⚰

I had a really bad day.

First, my ex got run over by a bus, then I got fired from my job as a bus driver.

(a friend sent me these)

Health Tip: If you can not afford to go to the doctor, go to the airport, you will get a free x-ray, breast exam, and if you mention Al Qadea , you will get a free colonoscopy.

Never hike alone in bear country. Always hike with someone you can trip and outrun.

As a kid, did you ever knock on peoples doors and run away before they could answer? Well guess what, we at UPS are hiring.

A husband and wife had been arguing all day. They pass a heard of jackasses. The wife says "relatives of yours"? The husband replies "yep, in laws".

Wife: look at that drunk guy.

Husband: who is he?

Wife: 10 years ago he proposed to me and I rejected him.

Husband: Oh my God! He's still celebrating!

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it has been eaten.

It's called a wedding cake!

(not mine, but I thought it was fairly funny)

The Rules:

1. Basically, you can't leave the house for any reason, but if you have to, then you can.

2. Masks are useless, but maybe you have to wear one, it can save you, it is useless, but maybe it is mandatory as well.

3. Stores are closed, except those that are open.

4. You should not go to hospitals unless you have to go there. Same applies to doctors, you should only go there in case of emergency, provided you are not too sick.

5. This virus is deadly but still not too scary, except that sometimes it actually leads to a global disaster.

6. Gloves won't help, but they can still help.

7. Everyone needs to stay HOME, but it's important to GO OUT.

8. There is no shortage of groceries in the supermarket, but there are many things missing when you go there in the evening, but not in the morning. Sometimes.

9. The virus has no effect on children except those it affects.

10. Animals are not affected, but there is still a cat that tested positive in Belgium in February when no one had been tested, plus a few tigers here and there…

11. You will have many symptoms when you are sick, but you can also get sick without symptoms, have symptoms without being sick, or be contagious without having symptoms. Oh, my..

12. In order not to get sick, you have to eat well and exercise, but eat whatever you have on hand and it's better not to go out, well, but no…

13. It's better to get some fresh air, but you get looked at very wrong when you get some fresh air, and most importantly, you don't go to parks or walk. But don’t sit down, except that you can do that now if you are old, but not for too long or if you are pregnant (but not too old).

14. You can't go to retirement homes, but you have to take care of the elderly and bring food and medication.

15. If you are sick, you can't go out, but you can go to the pharmacy.

16. You can get restaurant food delivered to the house, which may have been prepared by people who didn't wear masks or gloves. But you have to have your groceries decontaminated outside for 3 hours. Pizza too?

17. Every disturbing article or disturbing interview starts with " I don't want to trigger panic, but…"

18. You can't see your older mother or grandmother, but you can take a taxi and meet an older taxi driver.

19. You can walk around with a friend but not with your family if they don't live under the same roof.

20. You are safe if you maintain the appropriate social distance, but you can’t go out with friends or strangers at the safe social distance.

21. The virus remains active on different surfaces for two hours, no, four, no, six, no, we didn't say hours, maybe days? But it takes a damp environment. Oh no, not necessarily.

22. The virus stays in the air - well no, or yes, maybe, especially in a closed room, in one hour a sick person can infect ten, so if it falls, all our children were already infected at school before it was closed. But remember, if you stay at the recommended social distance, however in certain circumstances you should maintain a greater distance, which, studies show, the virus can travel further, maybe.

23. We count the number of deaths but we don't know how many people are infected as we have only tested so far those who were "almost dead" to find out if that's what they will die of…

24. We have no treatment, except that there may be one that apparently is not dangerous unless you take too much (which is the case with all medications).

25. We should stay locked up until the virus disappears, but it will only disappear if we achieve collective immunity, so when it circulates… but we must no longer be locked up for that?

First time I heard that joke was in 1980.

Not as funny now, but still pretty decent 40 years later.

Home schooling question:

Does having your children fix you mixed cocktails count as chemistry?

(sorry, I'm new at this)

Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers, is that true?

Him: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.

In the past I have told hires: "Do you like to get out and see new places and meet new people?" "Just screw up one more time."

My girlfriend was actually joke happy tonight, and told me these 2:

Did you know they have a new pill for lesbians with depression? It is called Tricoxigin.

(this involves a prop, 5 Lincoln head pennies)
Lay one penny down and ask what they see. answer a penny.
Lay 2 pennies down and ask if they see a fruit. answer a pair.
Lay 3 pennies down and ask if they see a car. answer 3 Lincolns
Lay 4 pennies down and ask if they see a snake. answer 4 copperheads.
Lay 5 pennies down and ask if you see pussy. answer: and you won't for 5 cents.

Proctor & Gamble (Crest Toothpaste) was informed that the toothpaste division had a problem.
They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the tube inside.
This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors.
Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO assembled his top people.
They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem.
The project followed the usual process:
budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, and third-parties selected.
Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution -
on time, on budget, and high quality.
Everyone associated with the project was pleased.

They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale
that would sound a bell and flash lights
whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should.
The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box,
and then press another button to re-start the line.
As a result of the new package monitoring process,
no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.

With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well spent.
He then reviewed the line statistics report
and discovered the number of empty boxes picked up by the scale
in the first week was consistent with projections,
however, the next three weeks were zero!
The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes per 8-hour shift.
He had the engineers check the equipment, they verified the report as accurate.

Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory,
viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed,
and observed just ahead of the new $8 million dollar solution
sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin.
He asked the line supervisor what that was about.

"Oh, that," the supervisor replied,
"Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over,
removing the box and re-starting the line every time the bell rang."

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, “a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich.
"What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will Be $9.40 please”
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same.”
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?”
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress.
"Most people would ask for a Million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”
"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?”
The man sighs, pauses and answers.
"My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School .

One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters “PNEIS" into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered "spine" are doctors today.

The rest of us are sending jokes by email .

Italian Funeral

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.

The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral, is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

“My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also."

It was a very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood.. Silence passed between the two men.

The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"

The Italian man replied, "Get in line.

I resemble this joke.

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact: "Marion...Marion".

"Is that you, Dave?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens).

Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.

After supper, it's back to the golf course again, then it's more sex until late at night.
I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."
"
Oh, Dave are you in Heaven?"

"No, I'm a rabbit in Trenton."

Johnny 100% approves of this joke, and can relate to it.

(I am pretty much the Little Johnny that has been in jokes for decades, and unless sick and vulgar, has always made me laugh).

The only joke I have not already posted here that I can remember at the moment is pretty stupid:

It is 11pm in the USA, do you know where your kids are?

It is 11pm in France, do you know where your lover is?

It is 11pm in Poland, do you know what time it is?

I have done that also, so it would have been fine to use my name there also.

Anyway:

One day my Dad and I (I being little JohnnyPinball007) was in the truck, on the way to the store, when we seen two dogs humping.

I asked Dad what are those dogs doing.

Dad did not want to go into details, and tell me about the birds and bees (I was only 5 years old), So he said well son, that one dog has a hurt foot, and the other dog is trying to help him to get back home.

I said you know what Dad, that is pretty much what happens all the time.

Dad said what happens all the time?

And I said well, you try to help someone and you end up getting f____d.

little johnny was siting in class one day and the teacher was talking about life and ask him " little johnny how do you want your wife to be like" and he answered " like the moon" and the teacher said " that’s such a beautiful answer because it calm and peaceful " and little johnny said " no because it appears at night and disappears in the morning"

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

Teacher: Johnny can you use a sentence with definitely in it.

Little Johnny: Do farts have lumps in them.

Teacher: of cause not Johnny.

Little Johnny: then I’ve definitely shat myself.

Little Johnny is watching his Mom rubbing cold cream on her face and he asks her “why are you rubbing that stuff on your face mother?” His mother replies “to make myself beautiful Johnny.” A few minutes later she starts rubbing the cream off with a tissue. Johnny says to her “What is the matter? Are you giving up?”

I am a lot older now, and I recently went to the doctor.

The doctor says good to see you again little Johnny, what can I do for you?

I said well doc, I am having a whole lot of gas, and the weird thing is that it does not smell.

The doctor gives me some pills and tells me to come back in 2 weeks.

When I return the doctor asks how are you doing now little Johnny?

I said well, I do not know what those pills were that you gave me, but I am still having a whole lot of gas, but now the gas smells really bad.

The doctor said well little Johnny, now that we have cleared up your sinus issue, we will try to help you with your gas issue now.

An old physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: “ Dr. Geezer's Clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000, so he went to Dr.Geezer’s clinic.

Dr Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?
Dr Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr Young: 'Aaagh! -- This is Gasoline!"
Dr Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.
Dr Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline!"
Dr Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
Dr Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"
Dr Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back" (giving him a $10 bill).
Dr Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

*Moral of story* -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer” .

*Remember:* Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

The first time my girlfriend ever seen me naked, she said "wow you are overweight, how long has it been since you were able to look at your special purpose?"

I said "I don't know, it has been a long time."

She said "you should diet".

I said "why, what color is it now?"

Bestest,
Little Johnny

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to New York and the other to Washington. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.
At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why Hooters?"

"They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs."

"You're on."

At age 42, they meet and play golf again

"Where you wanna go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Again? Why?"

"They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."

"OK."

At age 52 they meet and play again.

"So where you wanna go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking." "OK."

At age 62 they meet again. After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."

"Good choice"
At age 72 they meet again. Once again, after a round of golf, one says,

"Where shall we go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts."

"Great choice."

At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Because we've never been there before."

“Okay, let’s give it a try."

COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living

EYEDROPPER: A clumsy Ophthalmologist

HEROES: What a guy in a boat does

LEFT BANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money
------------------------------

· I found out that I've been happier since the change from coffee in the morning to orange juice. My doctor explains that it's a vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it was really the vodka.
· Apparently, you can't use beef stew as a password. It's not stroganoff.
· If you don't think punctuation is important, try forgetting when you tell someone “I'm sorry, I love you.”
· All of these calling for Mother's Day to be changed to a “Special Persons” day, you already have a day of your own. It’s April 1.
· A Spanish musician told everyone he would disappear. He said Uno, Dos, then disappeared without a tres.
· Al Pacino's brother, Cap, is a very successful businessman who is famous for his coffee.
· Stephen King has a son named Joe. I'm not joking.
· Do you know the famous French general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart.

Sex And Good Grammar

For all my

grammatically correct friends.

On his 74th

birthday, a man received a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a
nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure

for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket

to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned,

'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say

'1-2-3.'

When you do,

you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and

you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked,
"How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded,
"but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home,

showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to

join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked,
"What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end

our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with

a dangling participle.

A 5-year girl went to visit here grandmother one day. She played with her dolls as grandma dusted the furniture. At one point, she looked up and asked, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend? “
Grandma replied, “My TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I’m so happy with my TV as my boyfriend.”
Grandma turned on her TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the back of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
Just then, the little girl heard the doorbell ring so she hurried to open the front door. When she opened the door, there stood Grandma’s minister.
The minister said, “Hello young lady, is your Grandma home? The little girl replied, “Yeah, she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend!”

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them if they were stealing the car. They said, "Heavens no, we bought it."
He said, "Then why don't you drive it away".
Each of the women said, "We can't drive".
The officer momentarily shook his head and then asked "Then why did you buy it?"
They answered, "We were told if we bought a car here, we'd get screwed, so we are just waiting.

proxy (resized).jpg

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.
"And you, Susie? " the teacher asks.
Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

-It was a practical session in the psychology class. The professor showed a large cage with a male rat in it.

The rat was in the middle of the cage.

Then, the professor put a piece of cake on one side and put a female rat on the other side. The male rat ran towards the cake and ate it.
Then, the professor changed the cake and replaced it with some bread. The male rat again ran towards the bread.
This experiment went on with the professor changing the food every time.
And, every time, the male rat ran towards the food item and never towards the female rat.
Professor asked the students: This experiment shows that food is the greatest strength and attraction, do you agree?
Then, one of the students from the back rows said: "Sir, why don't you change the female rat? This one might be his wife!"
The professor stood straight up his finger pointing towards the student and said "You just got an A."

A Polish man walks into a store and asks the clerk, "Could I have a Polish sausage?"
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The Pole says, "Well, I happen to be Polish, but if I had asked for Italian sausage, would you assume I was an Italian? Or if I had asked for German sausage, would you have though I was a German? Or if I had asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?"
The clerk says, "No, I don’t think I would.”
The guy says, "Well, why do you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for a Polish sausage?"
The clerk says, "Because, this is a hardware store."

All Star pubs

“Good as this bar is,” said the Scotsman, ”I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there’s a wee place called McTavish’s. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he’ll buy the fifth drink.”

“Well, Angus,” said the Englishman, “At my local pub in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.”

“Ahhh, dat’s nothin’,” said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. “Back home in me favorite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you’ve had enough drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!”

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. “Did this actually happen to you?” “Not meself, personally, no,” admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.”

I pass by this old mailbox every day. The old rusty box is nailed to a tree that has to be over a hundred years old. After years of passing it by, I decided to open the box to see if anything was inside, even though I thought, probably not. After all, there isn’t a house nearby that it could serve, and any home it served long ago has been torn down.
I noticed an old letter inside the box, as you can see in the second picture. I looked at the postmark date, which to my astonishment was actually readable, and it was dated July 7, 1958. Ever so carefully, I opened up the aged, crackly envelope and gently pulled out the folded piece of paper, almost tingling with excitement and anticipation.
The message in the letter read, "We have been trying to reach you concerning your vehicle’s extended warranty."

Reaching the end of a job interview…

…the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

new math Makes perfect sense to me!

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
It also made me Laugh Out Loud.

This is a strictly ..... mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this:

What Makes 100% ?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

A ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb
blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts
shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you
think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the
color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the
community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like
you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind
continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in
general, pathetically all in the name of humor!”

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts
him yelling, "You stay out of this! I’m talking to that little shit on your lap."

A Texan was drinking in a bar out in California when he gets a call on his cell phone.

He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy, weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average back our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Texas baby boy."

Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.

The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds.”

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born.

”The father takes a slow swig of his whiskey, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised!”

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

Two men of a certain age, Mr. Jones and Mr. Smith, would often meet at the local town park where they would sit on a bench and feed the pigeons. They became friends. One day when they met, Mr. Jones was very happy and excited and asked Mr. Smith “Have you ever tried Viagra?”
Mr. Smith: “No”.
Mr. Jones: “It’s amazing. I just started taking Viagra and I haven’t felt this good in some time. I feel like I am 20 years old again.”
Mr. Smith: “I’ll try it.”
Several week later, they met at the park again.
Mr. Smith: “I tried that Viagra stuff and you are right. But you didn’t tell me about the side effects”.
Mr. Jones: “Side effects? What side effects?”
Mr. Smith: “Almost as soon as I started taking the Viagra, my wife’s headaches came back”.

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."