Three nuns we're sitting on a bench in front of the convent when a male streaker runs past them. He passes right beside the bench and the first nun with eyes wide open - had a stroke. The second nun with a wide smile - also had a stroke. The third nun is disgusted by what she sees and doesn't touch him.

How many Pinsiders does it take to tell like one good joke - 72 and counting. Seriously, I'm not joking.

Time to get this party restarted ...

As a train is speeding along through the countryside, four people sit in one of its compartments: A beautiful, vivacious young woman, an old, matronly woman, a young man and an older, rich man. Suddenly, the train goes through a tunnel. It is completely dark. A loud kiss and an equally powerful slap are heard. When the train exits the tunnel, the rich man is holding the side of his face in agony, while the poor man is grinning uncontrollably.

The old matronly woman thinks: "Now that's a fine young woman, the young man tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one – and rightly so!"

The young woman thinks: "Now that's a strange rich man - he'd rather kiss that old hag than me."

The rich man thinks: "Now that's a smart young man, he steals a kiss and I’m the one who gets slapped."

The young man is thinking: "Good, soon we'll be entering another tunnel, I'll kiss the back of my hand again and slap that millionaire silly!”

Tony was very excited. He had just landed his first professional sales role.

On his first day at the company, the sales manager took him up on to the roof of the building and said, “I am going to give you your very first lesson in sales. Stand on the edge of the roof.”

Reluctantly, the new salesman moved closer and closer to the edge of the roof.

“Now,” said the sales manager, “when I say, ‘jump!’ I want you to jump off the roof.”

“But, sir,” protested the green sales recruit, “there’s a huge drop!”

“Do you want to succeed in sales?” said the sales manager.”

“YES,” Tony said

“And you trust me, don’t you?” asked the manager.

“Yes, I guess,” said Tony.

“So do as I say and jump,” the manager replied.

Tony jumped. He crashed to the ground and lay there, winded and bruised. His sales manager went racing down the stairs towards him.

“That was your first lesson in sales, Tony. Never trust anyone in business!”

Q: Why don’t pirates shower before they walk the plank? A: Because they’ll just wash up on shore later.
Q: Why is pirating so addictive? A: They say once ye lose yer first hand, ye get hooked!
Q: How do pirates prefer to communicate? A: Aye to aye!
Q: What has 8 legs, 8 arms and 8 eyes? A: 8 pirates.

What do you call an alligator detective? An investi-gator.

What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop

Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over a bay, they would be bagels.

What do you call fake spaghetti? An im-pasta.

Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fungi

Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? If it had four doors it would be called a chicken sedan.

Q Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? A He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

Q Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. A “Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”

Q Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?” A Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.

Q Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? A There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

Q Why did the chicken go to the séance? A To get to the other side.

Q Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? A They always take things literally.

Q How do you keep a bagel from getting away? A Put lox on it.

Q A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!” A The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …”

Q What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack? A The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

Q What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? A Thanks— I’ll never part with it!

Q How do you make a tissue dance? A Put a little boogie in it.

Q Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? A Because the “P” is silent.

A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.

“Magic beer,” he says.

“Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?”

Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.

“Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof – and plummets 15 storeys to the ground.

The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”

------------------

Mother: "How was school today, Patrick?"

Patrick: "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!"

Mother: "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"

Patrick: "What school?"

-----------------------

Doctor: “Do you do sports?”

Patient: “Does sex count?”

Doctor: “Yes.”

Patient: “Then no.”

--------------------------

In Spain, there is a tradition after a bullfight to serve the mayor the bull’s testicles.
-
One day after a bullfight, the mayor asks the waiter: “Funny, why are they so small today?”
-
The waiter: “Today, sir, the bull won.”

----------------------

What goes up and down but never moves?
-
The stairs!

----------------------

Doctor says to his patient: "You have cancer and Alzheimer."
-
Patient: "At least I don't have cancer."

----------------------

Two guys are out hunting in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t appear to be breathing, his eyes are glazed over. The other man pulls out his phone with trembling fingers and calls 911. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says "Please stay calm. I will help you. First of all, let's make sure he's dead."

There’s a silence, then a gun shot. The guy gets back on the phone and says "OK, now what?"

-------------------------

Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.

The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?”

Son: “Yeah.”

Detector: “Beep.“

Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.”

Detector: “Beep.”

Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.”

Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“

Detector: “Beep.”

Mother laughs: “Ha ha ha, well, he really is your son!”

Detector: “Beep.”

---------------------------------------

Why don‘t cannibals eat divorced women?

Because they’re bitter.

-----------------------

Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from under the blanket!

Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for the baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket until the screaming stops.

Still in shock, she lurches to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Oh welcome home darling," he says, "my parents came for a visit, so I let them have our bedroom. I hope you said hello."

A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It’s a shitzu.
W
——————

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says,” uno, dos ...”. poof! He disappears without a tres.

—————-

What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye matey!

—————

An Englishman, Frenchman, Spaniard and German are watching a street juggler. He realizes they have a poor view so he steps up on a large crate and calls out “can you see me better?”

“yes”
“oui”
“si”
“ja”

———

What do you call a snobbish criminal going downstairs? A condescending con descending.

——-

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three - a left ear, a right ear and a final frontier.

————

I just left my job. I couldn’t work for that man after what he said to me.
What did he say?
You’re fired!

————

Hey Tony, can you spell your name backwards?
Sure ... y not

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work." The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

——-

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221.”

—————

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

———
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

——-

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No, what?" The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him." "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must of shot the bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

——-

A blonde calls her mom... Blonde: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!" Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?" Blonde: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."

——
Tyrone' s 1st day in the first grade he comes home crying. When his mother ask why he replays. "The teacher told us to say our abc' s and all the little white boys could say them and I could only get to e why is that." Mom says "cause u black and they white." Next day Tyrone is crying again . "What's wrong today Tyrone" his mother ask. Tyrone said "teacher told us to count to 100 and all the little white boys did but I could only get to 10 why is that." Mom says "cause u black and they white." Next day he comes home smiling. "What happened today Tyrone?" Tyrone says mama "we went to the bathroom and my thing was biggest of all . Is that cause I'm black and they white." Mama says "no Tyrone it's cause u 17 and they 6."

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."

Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't f**k with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

Two nuns leave the abbey on their bicycles to spend the day in town. A road closure forces them to take a different route home.

"I've never come this way before," the first nun says.

The other says, "It's the cobblestones."

——————-

The white house press secretary walks into the oval office and says "Mr. President, eight Brazilian soldiers were killed in Afghanistan today!"

The President is real quiet.

"Mr. President, did you hear me?"

"How many is a Brazilian?" the president asks.

————-

A magician walks down the street and turns into a grocery store

—————

Did you hear about the 120-pound guy with the 30-pound testicles? People say he was half-nuts!

———-

Someone called out during one of Kruschev's speeches after Stalin had died, "Where were you [when Stalin was doing all the nasty stuff]?" Kruschev demanded, "Who said that?!" and after there was silence he said, "That's where I was."

———-

Q: What is the difference between the Constitutions of the USA and USSR? Both of them guarantee freedom of speech. A: Yes, but the Constitution of the USA also guarantees freedom after the speech.

A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.
When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"

———-

Q: Why are constipated people so rude?
A: They don't give a crap.

Did you hear the one about the joke thread veering off topic? A It wasn’t very funny.

——-

My deaf-mute postman has such a tough job. He starts work at 3am. In summer he gets attacked by dogs and in winter he has to brave through sub-zero temperatures. But in spite of all this....I’ve never heard him complain.

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

———-

Q: Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
A: Because he was always spotted.

—-

Q: What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
A: You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish.

———-

The energizer bunny was arrested on a charge of battery.

————-

An elephant and a camel are talking. The elephant asks, "Why do you have boobs on your back?" The camel replies, "Ha! That's a funny question coming from an animal with a penis hanging from his face."

A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."

——-

Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

———

Q: How do you count cows?
A: With a cowculator.

———

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

——

A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.

——

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.

———

Three ladies were on a bus stop bench. One of the ladies looks at the other and asks her if she is Native American, She says, "Yes, I'm Arapaho." "Is that so?" says the first, "It just happens that I'm a Navajo." The third lady looks at both of them and says, "I'm a Dallas hoe."

——-

On the first day of school, the teacher asked a student, "What are your parents' names?" The student replied, "My father's name is Laughing and my mother's name is Smiling." The teacher said, "Are you kidding?" The student said, "No, Kidding is my brother. I am Joking."

——-

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

A little girl and her older brother were visiting their grandfather's farm. The older brother decided to play a trick on his younger sister. He told her that he discovered a man-eating chicken. The girl was frightened, and ran inside in fear. Then the older brother heard his little sister scream. He ran inside immediately. She was screaming at their grandfather, who was chowing down on a plate of fried chicken. "What is it?" he asked. The sister turned to him in fear and said," It- it's- IT'S A MAN EATING CHICKEN!!!"

——-

Q: Why can't orphans play baseball?
A: Because they don't know where home is.

———

One night a lady came home from her weekly prayer meeting, found she was being robbed, and she shouted out, "Acts 2:38: 'Repent & be baptized & your sins will be forgiven.'" The robber quickly gave up & the lady rang the police. While handcuffing the criminal, a policeman said, "Gee mate, you gave up pretty easily. How come you gave up so quickly?" The robber said, "She said she had an axe and two 38's!"

——-

A teacher asked, "Johnny, can you tell me the name of three great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?" Little Johnny responded, "Drin-king, smo-king, and f*c-king."

———-

Q: What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
A: Decalfeinated.

——-

Q: How do fish get high?
A: Seaweed.

————-

Q: What do you call a Mexican that lost his car?
A: Carlos.

———

Q: What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
A: "Odor in the court!"

A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”

She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their p.... through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.”

The cop asks, “So what did you do about it?”

The old lady says, “I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his p.... through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!”

“That seems fair enough,” the cop says, “so what’s in the other sack?”

The old lady replies with, “Not everyone pays…”

********

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

********

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? – A stick.

********

The inmates are yelling 12…12…12… in the courtyard. A man walking by is interested why the keep chanting 12…12…12… so he sticks his head through the fence and the inmate poked the man in the eye. Moments later they start chanting 13…13…13…

******

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

——-

When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. But when a 50 yo married couple smiles everyone wonders why..!!!

——-

I just deleted all the German names off my phone. ... It’s Hans free.

———

Let me tell you a little about myself. It’s a reflexive pronoun that means ‘me.

———

Employer: We need someone for this job, who is responsible.
Applicant: Sir, your search ends here, in my previous job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I am responsible.

————

Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven.

God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first cop says: "I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force."
The second police officer says: "I would like to hear that I was a terrific cop who died in the line of duty." The last cop replies: "I would like to hear them say ... Look, he's Moving!"

Son: "Dad what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmm... You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential.

———

You should be ashamed, the father told his son, Andy. When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he used to walk ten miles every day to get to school. Really? Andy responded. Well, when he was your age, he was the president.

——

What do you call a woman in heaven?
John: An angel!
A crowd of women in heaven?
John: A host of angels!
All the women in heaven?
John: PEACE ON EARTH!

———

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

What is red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.

Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
The don’t meet the koalafications.

A bear walks into a restaurant and say’s “I want a grilllllled………………………………………cheese.” The waiter says “Whats with the pause?”
The bear replies “Whaddya mean, I’M A BEAR.”

Why dont blind people skydive?
Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, “Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel on your pants.”
The pirate says, “Arrrr, I know. It’s driving me nuts.”

Two gold fish are in a tank.
One looks at the other and says, “You know how to drive this thing?!”

I bought the worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.

How Long is a Chinese man’s name.
No, it actually is.

How does NASA organize a party?
They planet.

Knock Knock.
Who’s There?
To.
To Who?
It’s To Whom.

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Same middle name.

My grandfather died peacefully, in his sleep…
…not screaming like the passengers in his car.

Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog?
He wanted to get a long little doggie.

If you want to find out who loves you more, stick your wife and dog in the trunk of your car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is happy to see you?

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmurs their approval. The man stands up on the bar, drops his trousers, and places his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closes his mouth as the crowd gasps. After a minute, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top its head. The gator opens his mouth, and the man removes his genitals, unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and he receives the first of his free drinks.

The man stands up again and makes another offer: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush falls over the crowd. A moment later, a hand goes up in the back of the bar.

"I'll try," says a small woman, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

A guy walks into a bar and announces that he can close his eyes and name what kind of alcohol he is drinking and how old it is, just by taste and smell.
A drunken guy at the bar says, "I bet I can give you a drink that you can't name."

"You're on," replies the guy, "as long as you pay."

So the drunken guy puts a drink on the table. The guy sips it, gags and spits it out. "This tastes like piss!"

"Yeah," says the drunken guy, "now guess how old I am

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."

"What are the three tests?" asks the man

"Gotta pay first."

So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.

"OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."

"Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!"

The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.

"Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.

He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence.

Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.

"NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?"

A good looking woman walks into a bar wearing a tube top. She raises her hand to signal the bartender for a beer, revealing that she does not shave her armpits.

Meanwhile, a sloppy drunk on the other side of the bar signals the bartender, "Buy that ballerina over there a drink on me."

The bartender replies, "What makes you think she's a ballerina?"

"Because," answers the drunken man, "any chick that can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina."

A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him he owes $8.

"But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says the customer.

"OK," says the bartender, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."

The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."

The customer goes outside and tells a friend how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs.

The bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the -- "

The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

A guy walks into a bar and orders six shooters. The bartender says, "Looks like you are having a bad day."

The guy says, "Am I ever! I woke up late for work. On my way to work, I got in an accident. When I got to work, I was four hours late, so the boss fired me. To top it off, I came home to my wife screwing my best friend."

The bartender says, "What did you say to your wife?"

The guy says, "I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again."

The bartender says, "What did you say to your best friend?"

The guy says, "BAD DOG!"

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing-eye dog. He stands in the center of the bar, takes the dog by the chain, and starts swinging him above his head.

Everyone stops and stares. Upset about the way the animal is being treated, a patron runs up to the blind man and demands, "What the hell are you doing?"

The blind man turns toward the patron and says, "Oh, nothing, just looking around."

A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.

The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says.

"For what?"

The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute."

The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money."

The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda -- look it up." She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary.

The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary. It says, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves."

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."

The second one says, "I'll have one, too."

The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."

The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

Q: Why did the boy eat his homework?
A: Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake.

Q: What do you find at the end of everything?
A: The letter "g."

Q: What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu?
A: One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.

Q: How can Santa deliver presents during a thunderstorm?
A: His sleigh is flown by raindeer

Q. A girl fell off of a 30-foot ladder, but she didn't get hurt at all. How is this possible?
A. She fell off the bottom step!

Q. What has one head, one foot, and four legs?
A. A bed.

Q: I am the beginning of the end, and the end of time and space. I am essential to creation, and I surround every place. Who am I?
A: The letter E

Q: Poor people have it. Rich people need it. If you eat it, you'll die. What is it?
A: Nothing!

She’s on a ski trip with me but says she’ll wash them next week when she returns. She dropped my dog off to care for and said you’d treat it like family.

A Hippie sits next to a young Nun on the bus and asks her if he could have sex with her?

The Nun, very upset, says
"NO! I am married to God!!"
and gets off the bus disgusted.

The bus driver sees all this.
He tells the hippie
"She prays every Tuesday night at midnight in the graveyard...
why don't you dress up in a hooded robe;
go to the graveyard
and tell her you are God
and demand sex?"

The Hippie tries this
and to his surprise,
the nun says
"Yes but only if we have anal sex
as I want to keep my virginity"
...

They have passionate bum sex
and when they are done
the hippie throws off his robe
and cries
"ha ha, I'm the Hippie!!!"

The nun cries out
"ha ha, I'm the Bus Driver!!!"

Newsflash! A small, 2-seat aircraft crashed in a graveyard in Poland.

Rescuers have found 115 dead so far and expect to find hundreds more as they continue digging.

Told this one to my pet squirrel and he thinks she’s nuts.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”

The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?” The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”

Why did George Washington have trouble sleeping?
Because he couldn't lie.

It's so hot crackheads are putting the copper back in air conditioners.

It's so cold prisoners are begging for the electric chair.

It's so cold I saw one dog trying to jump start another one.

Did you hear on the news that a midget psychic broke out of jail? There is a small medium at large.

Why can you never trust an atom? Because the make up everything.

What’s the difference between a piano and a fish? You can tune a piano, you can’t tuna fish.

One day I was walking down the road when I met a man with no toes. Something about this pissed me off, so when I got home I walked up to my dad and said. "This guy had no toes. I guess I'm lack toes intolerant.

What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam!

What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.

What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt.

What’s the scariest plant in the jungle? Bam-BOO

A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says, "We don't serve string here." So the string goes outside, twists himself up a bit, kind of roughs up his ends and walks back into the bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says, "Aren't you that little piece of string that was in here a few minutes ago?" The string says, "No sir, I'm a frayed knot."

Don’t you hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious?

Light travels faster than sound, which is why people like you appear bright—until they open their mouths.

My son asked me what it’s like to be married so I told him to leave me. When he did, I asked why he was ignoring me.

I always tell new hires, “Don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as a friend who can fire you.”

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy, so I got drunk.

Why do people make end-of-the-world jokes like there’s no tomorrow?

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Masturbation is like procrastination—it’s all good fun until you realize you’re just fucking yourself.

Old joke but it’s my favorite.

A man walks into a brothel. He walks up to the proprietor and says: "What can I get for $1?"

The proprietor says: "Go up the stairs and into the room on the right."

The man walks into the room and sits on the bed, when he notices a small door at the bottom of one of the walls. The door opens up, and a chicken comes walking out.

The man figures out what he has to do, and has his way with the chicken.

The chicken is disgusted, and leaves.

The man comes back the next day and says to the proprietor: "I didn't really like that, and I'd like a refund."

The proprietor says: "Oh, good sir, trust me. Go up the stairs, but this time go into the room on the left, and you won't want your dollar back."

So the man goes into the room, and this room is much larger than the other, with theatre-type seating, and a big curtain on one side.

A few people are scattered throughout the seats, and the man sits down. The curtain opens up, and it's actually a plexi-glass window into another room, and the people in the seats are watching an orgy.

The man leans over to a guy sitting next to him and says: "Man, this is something, huh?"

The other guy says: "You should have been here yesterday. Some guy was fucking a chicken."

A man and his wife are sitting in front of their PC, and trying to set up a new password. The husband types 'mypenis' as password. The wife immediately falls on ground laughing as she sees an error message on the computer screen that reads as "Error! Password's Not Long Enough."

A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman, the general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"

Guy: I think my wife's cheating on me.
Friend: How do you know?
Guy: She didn't come home last night. When I asked about it, she said she was with her sister Stacey.
Friend: So?
Guy: She was lying. I was with her sister the whole night.

dirty Disney jokes

Why does Ariel wear sea shells?
Because D shells are too big and B shells are too small.

Why did the seven dwarves go to jail?
They sold all there gems for hi-hoes!

Why can’t Miss Piggy count to one hundred?
Because every time she gets to sixty nine she gets a frog in her throat.

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
She gagged.

Where is Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out?
Wendy’s.

What happened after Snow White sat in the bath, feeling happy?
Happy got out, so she felt Grumpy.

Why did Belle get kicked out of Disney World?
She sat on Pinnochio’s face and screamed, “Lie to me! Lie to me!”

What are Muppets puppeteers really good at?
Hand jobs.

Did you hear how Captain Hook died?
Jock Itch!

What’s slimy, cold, green and smells like pork?
Kermit the Frog’s finger.

What did the elephant ask the naked man?
How do you breathe out of that thing?

How do you make your husband scream during sex?
Call him and let him hear it.

How is life like toilet paper?
You’re either on a roll or taking shit from someone.

What does one boob say to the other boob?
If we don’t get support, people will think we’re nuts.

What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A man will actually search for a golf ball.

How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
It’s not hard.

What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.

How did you quit smoking?
I decided to smoke only after sex.

What do you call a useless piece of skin on a penis?
A man.

Do you want to hear a joke about my vagina?
Nevermind. You’ll never get it!

What did the banana say to the vibrator?
Why are you shaking? She’s going to eat me!

Having sex in an elevator is wrong.
On so many levels.

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
Ones a Goodyear. The other is a great year.

What kind of bees make milk?
Boo-bees.

What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know, but their flag is a huge plus.

Why aren't koalas actual bears?
They don't meet the koalafications.

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
Phillipe Phillope.

Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you'll be a mile away, and you'll have their shoes.

Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other, "I need you to help me get to the other side!" The other guy replies, "You're on the other side!"

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Same middle name.

Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, "What's your favorite kind of music?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."

What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened?
the door, I'm dressing.

"I stand corrected!" Said the man in the orthopedic shoes.

I used to be addicted to soap. But I'm clean now.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind? A maybe.

Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.

What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.

Dad Jokes - Part 1

What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast!

What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!

What do you call a mac 'n' cheese that gets all up in your face? Too close for comfort food!

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere!

What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!

Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe!

What happens when you go to the bathroom in France? European.

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire!

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!

Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!

Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint!

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it!

How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together!

Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well!

Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with!

What do you call a factory that sells passable products? A satisfactory!

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it!

Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.

I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!

I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole destroying!

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home!

I'm so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!

Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!

I thought about going on an all-almond diet… But that's just nuts!

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there!

My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?"And I told him, "No it doesn't!"

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down!

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised!

I tell dad jokes but I have no kids…I'm a faux pa!

So a vowel saves another vowel's life. The other vowel says, "Aye E! I owe you!"

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They're his watch dogs!

If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?!

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It's a little fishy!

Five out of four people admit they're bad with fractions!

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

I'll call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad!

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way!

When the grocery store clerk asks me if I want the milk in a bag, I always tell him, "No, I'd rather drink it out of the carton!"

Dad Jokes - Part 2

The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this!

I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!

What's brown and sticky? A stick!

Can February March? No, but April May!

What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!

I invented a new word today: Plagiarism!

What do you call a donkey with only three legs? A wonkey!

After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it!

How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put some boogie in it!

Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands!

What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!

This morning, Siri said, "Don't call me Shirley." I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode!

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks her, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!"

I know a lot of jokes about retired people but none of them work!

What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto!

What do Santa's elves listen to ask they work? Wrap music!

What rhymes with boo and stinks? You!

If an English teacher is convicted of a crime and doesn't complete the sentence, is that a fragment?

I think my wife is putting glue on my antique weapons collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns!

Which U.S. state is famous for its extra-small soft drinks? Minnesota!

I got a hen to regularly count her own eggs. She's a real mathamachicken!

What did the Ranch say when someone opened the refrigerator door? "Close the door, I'm dressing!"

Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? They just seem a little shady!

What did the policeman say to his belly button? You're under a vest!

Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.

A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta!

I've been bored recently so I've decided to take up fencing. The neighbors said they will call the police unless I put it back.

Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!

I don't really call for funerals that start before noon. I guess I'm just not a mourning person!

If two vegans get in a fight, is it still considered a beef?

One of my favorite memories as a kid was when my brothers used to put me inside a tire and roll me down a hill. They were Goodyears!

What does a man with no balls and a small penis
have in common with a joke with a good punchline?
They both make you laugh and you don't see them coming.


A bloke goes to the council to apply for a job in the office.
The interviewer asks him,"Are you allergic to anything"?
He replies, "Yes caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before."
"Yes I was in the army"he says,I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.
Then he asks,"Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says "Yes,a mine exploded next to me when I was there and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says,"O.K.
You've got enough points for me to take you on right away.
Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm.......but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am-and carry on starting at 10.00am everyday."
The bloke is puzzled and asks."If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm ,why don't you want me here until 10.00am?
I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know."
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job,"the
interviewer says, "For the first two hours,we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There's no point coming in for that."


A marine hero gets back home and the president grants him one wish for his effort
The president said that he would fulfill any wish the hero marine asked for.
"I want 50$ for every inch from the tip of my penis to my balls"- said the marine.
The president, a bit surprised, accepted.
They started measuring him and saw that he has no balls.
"Where are your balls?"- they asked.
"In Afghanistan."


What do you call a man with no balls?
Your mother

The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable."


eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters, but all they had was 13,239 matches.
I don’t know, I really like eBay. Sold my homing pigeons on there 5 times last month.


A Nun was taking a bath when there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" She asked. The voice back replies "It's the blind man, can I come in?" The Nun thinks for a moment and says "yes that's fine". The door opens and the man says.
Nice tits, where you want me to hang the blinds?

.

Time to branch out with some tree jokes..


a man is chopping down and collecting trees to burn for heat one winter. He comes upon and stands before this one tree that shouts “Stop! Listen! ... i’m a talking tree”
the man proceeds chopping down the tree and says “and you will dialogue.”


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.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.


A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!"
.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.


My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.


I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.


Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.

.

I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time consuming.


I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up? Because it was two tired!


Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.


My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.


As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.


How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.

.

Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure? Because he was a little shellfish.
.

Two cows are standing in a field. One cow says "Did you hear about that outbreak of mad cow disease? It makes cows go completely insane!". The other cow replies "Good thing I'm a helicopter".


What did the father tomato say to the baby tomato whilst on a family walk? Ketchup.


How does Darth Vader like his toast? On the dark side.


When will the little snake arrive? I don't know but he won't be long...


How do you get an astronaut's baby to sleep? You rocket.


I think i would like a job cleaning mirrors, it's just something I could really see myself doing.


Why did it take so long for the pirates to learn the Alphabet? They got stuck at C.


I took the shell off my racing snail thinking it would make him go faster, if anything it made him more sluggish.


Somebody stole my microsoft office and they're going to pay - you have my Word.

A 100 year old redneck is interviewed by the local tv

The journalist asks him: "what was the best day of your life?" The redneck responds "the day we lost the pig! We searched him with all my family, we looked everywhere in the propriety and when we found him, we had a party and fucked the pig!" The journalist asks him to not use inappropriate language and asks him another best day of his life.

The redneck responds "the best day of my life was when we lost the cow! We searched her with all my family, we looked everywhere and when we found her, we had a party and fucked the cow!" The journalist is quite angry and so he asks him the worst day of his life.

The redneck, with a sad look on his face says"the worst day of my life was when i got lost..."

An englishman, a scotsman and an irishman walk into a bar.

In the corner there is a pot of money. The men ask the bartender how they can get that money. The bartender says they must:

Drink a bottle of tequila without passing out

Pulling a thorn out of a lion's paw

And have sex with a 100 year old woman.

The men agree, since it's a lot of money.

First goes the englishman. He starts drinking the tequila, but he passes out halfway through.

Next goes the scotsman. He drinks the bottle of tequila without passing out and goes into the room with the lion. Lots of screaming and roaring can be heard, and the scotsman comes out covered in blood.

Finally goes the irishman. He drinks the bottle of tequila without passing out, and he goes into the room with the lion. Even more screaming and roaring can be heard. The irishman comes out all bloody and asks: "Alright, where's the old lady with a thorn in her foot?"

A man is shipwrecked on a deserted island...

...and spends many months alone. Just as he's reaching the point that he's starting to go crazy, he spots a ship in the distance and, all excited, lights a fire on the beach that he'd prepared for just such an eventuality.

He's overjoyed when he sees the ship change course and start heading for his island but his joy turns to shock as he sees the ship suddenly come to a jarring halt as it runs aground on a hidden reef. Within minutes, the ship is sinking and with it, his hopes. Dejected, he goes back to his makeshift shelter and cries himself to sleep.

The next day, he's going for his customary morning walk along the beach and spots a figure lying face down in the sand. He rushes over and sees that it's a woman wearing only her underwear.

He turns her over and can't believe what he sees... it's Jennifer Lawrence! In shock, he drags her out of the surf and begins to administer mouth to mouth. Soon enough, she splutters out a lungful of seawater and opens her eyes.

He tells her that he has rescued her and that there seem to be no other survivors. She is of course, extremely grateful to have been rescued and shows her thanks in the most appropriate way by reaching up to pull him down to her and kisses him long and deeply...

The kisses continue and before he knows it, she's stripped off his clothes and is straddling him on the beach as they happily bang away.

Her gratitude shows no signs of abating over the days and weeks that follow and his solitary island existence is forgotten in a carnal extravaganza of day long poundings and late night strokings.

They do it on the beach, in the water, in his shelter, up a tree, with him on top, with her on top, side to side and back to front. They do it with their clothes on, they do it naked, they do it whenever and wherever they want and they want it a lot.

One evening, they're sitting by the fire, well sated by the day's ardent bonking, when she notices that he seems a bit glum.

"What's the matter?" She asks.

"Oh... nothing." he says in return.

"Come on," she replies, "I can see something's wrong.. what is it??"

"You'll just laugh at me," he says nervously.

"No I won't! You can tell me... whatever it is, I promise I won't laugh"

He considers for a moment and then says "Well... you know.. we've been making love for a long time now. We've done it with you on top, with me on top, from behind, missionary, reverse cowgirl, up a tree.. you know.. every possible way I can think of but... something's missing... I mean... I...." his voice trails off....

"What is it?" She encourages him, "I'll do anything for you, anything at all, you know that! You saved my life!"

"Well.." he says nervously, picking up an old ember of burnt wood, "Would you... would you mind if I drew a moustache on you?"

"What??" she begins to say and he quickly says "See! I knew you'd laugh!"

"No no.." She replies, "It's fine.. if that's what you want to do, go for it!"

So he reaches over and with the burnt wood, carefully draws a thick black moustache on her upper lip, then sits back and looks at her.

She looks back at him expectantly.

"Um.." He says... "Would you mind if er.. if I called you Frank?"

She smiles at him and says "Baby, you can call me anything you like."

He sits there for a moment then says "Frank...?"

She smiles and answers "Yes baby?"

"Frank!" He says.. "Frank! You'll never guess who I've been fucking!"

Yeah I know what you mean. But did you chuckle a little? Turns out there is a genre of Jennifer Lawrence jokes and this was one of the better ones imo.