A doctor walks into a bar after a long day at work, sits down, and orders a pecan daiquiri. The bartender nods and gathers up the ingredients and starts mixing up the concoction. However, he quickly discovers that he had no more pecans left to add to the drink. After searching high and low behind the bar, he eventually finds some hickory nuts from one of the many Christmas decorations littering the bar. So, he substitutes them into the drink and serves the drink to the doctor. The doctor takes one sip, wrinkles his nose, and says to the bartender, "This isn't a pecan daiquiri...what is this?". "Well," the bartender responds, "That's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

Did you hear about the restaurant that just opened up on the moon? Good food, but no atmosphere.

Two guys make their way down the street. The first one walks into a bar, but the second one ducks.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, "What's with the paper towel?"

The pirate says, "Arrr, I've got a bounty on me head."

A QA engineer walks into a bar, and orders a beer.

Then he orders 0 beers.

Then he orders 999999999999 beers.

Then he orders a lizard.

Then he orders -1 beers.

Then he orders asnwikfjsdf.

Then he orders a ; DROP TABLE tabs ;

The bartender pours one beer turns into a giraffe and disappears.

I went into a toy store to do some early Christmas shopping and asked the assistant, "Where are the Schwarzenegger action figures?"

The assistant said, "Aisle B, back."

A sandwich walks into the bar and the bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve food here".

Where do you find a pinball machine with no legs?

Right where you left it.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Drill sergeant: PRIVATE! I didn’t see you at camouflage drills today!!

Private: Thank you, sir!

Yesterday, I went to a beekeeper to get 12 new bees for my beehive. He counted them out and gave me 13. I said, “Sir, you gave me an extra.” He replied, "That’s a freebie."

What's the difference between a slob on a bicycle and a well dressed individual on a unicycle?

Attire.

The genie asked, "What’s your first wish?"
Steve replied, "I wish I was rich!"
The genie nodded and said, "What’s your second wish?"
Rich exclaimed, "I want lots of money!"

An employee goes up to see the boss and says, "Can I schedule a week off for Christmas this year?"

The boss looks at the employee and says, "It's May".

The employee says, "May I schedule a week off for Christmas this year?"

There was a kid who wouldn't stop chewing on electrical cords. I told him he was grounded until he could conduct himself properly.

Contrary to popular belief, black holes are not at the top of the cosmic food chain. They are light eaters.

When I was kid, they told me when I grew up, I could be whomever I wanted to be.

It turns out, that's not true.

Identity theft is a crime!

What is an ambulance's favorite game console?
Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U.

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I just threw a ball for my dog...
It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday, and he looks great in a Tuxedo

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A horse walks into a bar…
The bartender says, "Why the long f--" when suddenly the horse cuts him off.

"I've heard that a million times. 'Why the long face, haha!' I hear that everywhere I go."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," says the bartender. "Other than that, how's your life?"

The horse responds with, "Stable."

Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen?
They develop hives.

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Albert Einstein was a genius.
But his brother Frank was a monster.

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Why do golfers take an extra pair of socks when golfing?
Just in case they get a hole in one.

Veteran rock musicians Roger Daltrey, Keith Moon, Pete Townshend, and John Entwistle broke into an animal hospital today and set free all of the doberman pinschers. The police said that they now have proof that The Who let the dogs out.

Do you know the secret on how to keep people in suspense?

(comment removed by moderator)

Why did the fungi leave the crowded party?

There wasn't mushroom there.

What do you call a fish who just became mayor?

An elected official

What do you call an old snowman? A puddle

Which is faster--hot or cold? Hot--you can catch a cold

Where do you take someone who was injured in a peekaboo accident? The ICU