What's brown, green and fuzzy, has eight legs, and if it fell out of a tree it could kill you?...
A pool table.
What's brown, green and fuzzy, has eight legs, and if it fell out of a tree it could kill you?...
A pool table.
So a guy walks into a bar, his face is all bloodied and bruised, orders a beer. Bartender brings his beer and says,oh man you look awful what happened to you? The man replies,"I called my girlfriend a two-bit whore, and she hit me with her bag of quarters."
A lady walks into a bar and says,"bartender,give me a beer". The bartender responds ,"Anheuser-Busch"? And the lady says, "it's just fine and how's your dick".
So this farmer has three daughters and they all have a date on the same night. First guy shows up knocks at the door, farmer answers and the young man says,"hello my name is Eddie ,I've come to date your daughter Betty, we're going to eat some spaghetti, is she ready"? The farmer says nothing and sends them on their way. The second guy shows up knocks at the door, farmer answers and the man says," hello my name is Joe, I've come to date your daughter Flo, we're going to see a show, is she ready to go"? Again the farmer says nothing and sends them on their way. The third guy shows up,( because he has the punchline) knocks on the door ,farmer answers and the young man says," hello my name is Chuck "... and the farmer shoots him in the head.
What's the difference between a midget lawyer, and a hooker with syphilis? One is a "cunning runt" ....
Okay, in keeping with the current theme... a boy has a paper to write for school on the difference between Theory and reality, he's just not getting it so he asks his dad ,"what's the difference between Theory and reality"? The dad responds,"that's easy son, go ask your older sister if she would sleep with anyone for $500,000"? So the young boy asks his sister and she responds" hell yes, in a New York minute, I wouldn't think twice about it". The boy returns to his father and tells him what she said, and he says," now do you get it"? No responds the boy, so the father says,"okay, go ask your mother the same question". So the boy asked his mother ,"mom, would you sleep with anyone for $500,000"?The mom says,"absolutely, in a heartbeat, you better believe I would". So the boy returns to his father and tells him what his mother said. The father says,"now do you understand the difference between Theory and reality"? No says the boy. Well it's simple son says the father ,"in theory, we're sitting on a million bucks here, in reality ...we live with a couple of whores"!
Quoted from JohnnyPinball007:
(not mine, but I thought it was fairly funny)
1. Basically, you can't leave the house for any reason, but if you have to, then you can.
2. Masks are useless, but maybe you have to wear one, it can save you, it is useless, but maybe it is mandatory as well.
3. Stores are closed, except those that are open.
4. You should not go to hospitals unless you have to go there. Same applies to doctors, you should only go there in case of emergency, provided you are not too sick.
5. This virus is deadly but still not too scary, except that sometimes it actually leads to a global disaster.
6. Gloves won't help, but they can still help.
7. Everyone needs to stay HOME, but it's important to GO OUT.
8. There is no shortage of groceries in the supermarket, but there are many things missing when you go there in the evening, but not in the morning. Sometimes.
9. The virus has no effect on children except those it affects.
10. Animals are not affected, but there is still a cat that tested positive in Belgium in February when no one had been tested, plus a few tigers here and there…
11. You will have many symptoms when you are sick, but you can also get sick without symptoms, have symptoms without being sick, or be contagious without having symptoms. Oh, my..
12. In order not to get sick, you have to eat well and exercise, but eat whatever you have on hand and it's better not to go out, well, but no…
13. It's better to get some fresh air, but you get looked at very wrong when you get some fresh air, and most importantly, you don't go to parks or walk. But don’t sit down, except that you can do that now if you are old, but not for too long or if you are pregnant (but not too old).
14. You can't go to retirement homes, but you have to take care of the elderly and bring food and medication.
15. If you are sick, you can't go out, but you can go to the pharmacy.
16. You can get restaurant food delivered to the house, which may have been prepared by people who didn't wear masks or gloves. But you have to have your groceries decontaminated outside for 3 hours. Pizza too?
17. Every disturbing article or disturbing interview starts with " I don't want to trigger panic, but…"
18. You can't see your older mother or grandmother, but you can take a taxi and meet an older taxi driver.
19. You can walk around with a friend but not with your family if they don't live under the same roof.
20. You are safe if you maintain the appropriate social distance, but you can’t go out with friends or strangers at the safe social distance.
21. The virus remains active on different surfaces for two hours, no, four, no, six, no, we didn't say hours, maybe days? But it takes a damp environment. Oh no, not necessarily.
22. The virus stays in the air - well no, or yes, maybe, especially in a closed room, in one hour a sick person can infect ten, so if it falls, all our children were already infected at school before it was closed. But remember, if you stay at the recommended social distance, however in certain circumstances you should maintain a greater distance, which, studies show, the virus can travel further, maybe.
23. We count the number of deaths but we don't know how many people are infected as we have only tested so far those who were "almost dead" to find out if that's what they will die of…
24. We have no treatment, except that there may be one that apparently is not dangerous unless you take too much (which is the case with all medications).
25. We should stay locked up until the virus disappears, but it will only disappear if we achieve collective immunity, so when it circulates… but we must no longer be locked up for that?
Unfortunately that is fairly funny.
So... a bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods, the bear looks over at the rabbit and says ,"hay,do you ever have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit says,"no."so the bear picks him up and wipes his ass with him.
So... The guy walks into a bar with a talking dog, immediately the bartender says," hey you can't have that dog in here". the guy says," no that's a special dog ,he talks, he understands everything ,he'll do anything you ask him". the bartender says," really"and the dog says ,"sure,you betcha".(obviously from Minnesota)so the bartender says to the dog,"okay, here's a twenty ,go down to the corner, get me a newspaper and bring me back my change". the dogs says, " sure no problem", and walks out of the bar. Well he's gone for about 20 minutes and bartender starts to feel like he's been had so he and owner go looking for the dog.they get about a half a block away and look down an alley ,and sure enough here is the dog, doing the Wild Thing with another dog in the alley .the owner says," hey what's with you, you've never done anything like this before". and the dog replies" that's because I never had the money before."
so this farmer after getting a little liquored up one night steps into the bedroom with a chicken under his arm and says ,"you see honey ,this is the pig I f**k when you're not in the mood". the wife looks up and says ,"you're drunk, that's not even a pig it's a chicken". And the farmer says ,"hey I wasn't talking to you".
How did the Pollock break his leg on the golf course?
He fell off the ball washer.
What's the first thing that enters a murder Hornets mind when it hits your windshield? It's ass.
Quoted from radial_head:
A man walked into a bar in Scotland, sat down and ordered a drink. Next to him was a leathery old Scotsman, well into the bottle in front of him.
The man asked the Scotsman if there was something the matter.
The Scot replied (in Groundskeeper Willy brogue); "Aye lad, indeed there is. You see this bar here? I made this bar with me own two hands, slowly crafting it in the time-honored way of my forebears. It took me 4 months, but do they call me MacGregor the bar-builder? Noooooo."
"You know the dock that your ferry landed at the night before? I built that dock with me own bare hands, finely honing each joint so that it would withstand the weather that mother nature unravels upon it. It took nigh a year, but do they call me MacGregor the dock-builder? Noooooo."
"And do you recall the livery stable you passed on the way into town? I stood that stable up in six months, with nary a bit o' help. To this day that stable is one of the finest in all of Scotland. But do they call me MacGregor that stable-maker? Nooooooo."
"But you fuck one goat..."
That's one of my all-time favorite jokes, the only reason I haven't posted it here is because I didn't think you could pull it off without the cheesy Scottish accent. Thanks for sharing it.
So I just did the math, do you know how many dumb blonde jokes there actually are ... actually just six, the rest are true stories.
Actually I do. In fact I consider myself quite the Wordsmith. Why just this morning I came up with a brand new word... Plagiarism.
Quoted from djtkach:
Perhaps slightly off topic as it isn't a joke per se, but every now and then I see an organization post something that doesn't quite hit the mark. Here was today's laugh in my LinkedIn feed:
"Procrastination Is Really Professionalism: Do you struggle with procreating when it comes to work? Do you procrastinate even when it comes to projects you're excited about? You are not alone but, when we procrastinate, often the surprising underlying reason is perfectionism. Learn more at PsychAlive"
Well I don't know about all that, I have found a way to procrastinate and still get things done. You simply put off procrastinating until tomorrow.
Quoted from undrdog:
A man who was well known for coming up with clever tricks and positions in bed came up with an idea for a threesome. He would have both women lay on their backs next to each other, with himself in the missionary position above and centered between them. The idea was that as he pulled out with each stroke, he would switch from one girl to the other.
He found two women willing to try it out, but it didn't work. Eventually, they got up for a break and some drinks.
When they got back in bed, the girls had traded places. Now it all worked great and everyone had fun. It was the end of stroke switch, after all.
Well played sir. Pinball humor, at its finest.
Quoted from LTG:
What has four letters. Sometimes nine letters. But never has five letters.
LTG : )
I hate it when you post a riddle but not the answer Lloyd. Makes a person actually have to think about it, and now I can't stop thinking about , and I'm no closer. Your an ass but I got to admit, you got me thinking.
Okay, I'll give it a shot. What has 18 legs and six tits?
( hint, when I first heard this joke it was, what has 18 legs and two tits).
The Supreme Court
The only way Microsoft could come up with a product that didn't suck, is if they started making vacuum cleaners.
It's been 51 days, since the last post. Have we collectively just given up on humor. Somebody tell a joke.
So a drunk gets into his Uber ride, and says to the driver, " hey do you have room for a pizza and a six-pack of beer in the front seat?"The driver says,"sure". So the drunk leans over and pukes in the front seat.
Okay then it's time to break out the Christmas humor. What do the female reindeer and mrs. Claus do on Christmas Eve when Santa and the other reindeer are doing their business.? They go into town and blow a few bucks.
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are $1.49..... and deer nuts are just under a buck.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but it has to want to change.
Well that was kind of like a joke, only jokes are funnier.
Why does a chicken coop have 2 Doors?
Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
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