There's a woman named Harriet who is getting married and she's afraid of the size of her opening.
She calls up her mother and says, "what am I going to do? I'm so big down there, when I marry Harry he's going to divorce me!"
Her mother replies, "don't worry honey it runs in the family. Do what I did when I married your father and go down to the morgue and get a couple of raw livers and put them in there. He'll never know the difference."
So she heeds her mothers advice and they have 8 hours of sex after their wedding.
The next morning she wakes up and Harry is gone. But there's a note on the pillow.
It reads...
"My darling Harriet, to think that I waited a year to consumate our loving relationship makes my heartbeat so loudly I'm surprised it didn't wake you up!
The only reason I'm not here with you right now darling is I'm at work to make enough money to buy you a house with a picket fence so we can have dogs and children.
When the five o'clock dinner bell rings I'll be home like a winged gossamer in your loving arms.
Your loving husband,
Harry
PS - your cunt is in the sink."