What'd one necrophiliac say to the other?

...

"Let's go grab a cold one."

Oddly enough, both of those are personal favorites of mine.

Most of my favorites are grossly inappropriate for a family website such as this one. Ask me to tell you one next you bump into me at Pinball Wizard.

Don't.

LTG : )

I always liked, "why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat ?"

Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the f**king boat.

LTG : )

What would George Washington say if he was alive today?

...He would scream and claw at the top of his coffin!

Anxiously awaiting the super low brow jokes that are sure to appear.

"What do you call a pinball machine that can be turned on, but does not flip?"
"A 300lb Christmas tree ornament."

(This definition can currently be applied to all JPoP designed games after the Zizzle fiasco)
Happy Holidays!

"What do you call a game designated as a 'Super Limited Edition'?"
"A Stern Epic."

Stern epic/stern ˈepik/adjective/noun:

An ambiguous advertising descriptive term designed to generate substantial amounts of additional income from non-informed consumers for a separate product, event, or service without possibility of refund prior to actual reveal that has has the same quality of other nearly identical items in the same category. The term may further be identified for confirmation when a product pre-production number is increased without justification prior to actual construction (before or after a reveal) and/or requirement for a buyer to apply for purchase and provide free marketing information to a company for future sales." Not to be confused with the term, "Epic Fail", which is a noun, and antonym. Pluralized the term can be found as a verb or modified as an adjective, but still retains it opposite meaning. A "Stern Epic", is generally classified as an initial success, until initial consumers become self-aware based on information of repeated industry attempts at the same process. The term then reverts to antonym form, "Epic Fail".

(See Stern BM66 SLE pinball machine for a qualifying example of this definition)

Why'd the chicken cross the road?

To get away from you!

Good way to end a date or at least shut her up.

What do you call a drummer who broke up with his girlfriend?

Homeless

(All in good fun. My father was and my son is a drummer)

Not necessarily my best, but always makes me chuckle. Not because the joke itself is that funny, rather because I told in front of a bunch of people when I was about eleven years old. It's funny to me to remember their faces when I got to the punch-line.. Enjoy....

An elephant was walking through the jungle. He stepped on a thorn and started to cry. "OW, OW! This hurts! Somebody help me!" Just then, a little mouse passed by.

"Oh, please, little mouse!" the elephant pleaded. "Please take this thorn out of my foot! It really hurts!"

"No Way!!" cried the mouse. "I know you! You stepped on my brother last week!"

"I'm sorry about that! Just, please! Help me! I'll do anything!" cried the elephant.

"Anything?" replied the mouse skeptically.

"Yes! I promise!" swore the elephant.

"Well, okay!" said the mouse.

So the mouse pulled the thorn out of the elephant's foot, causing instant relief.

"Thank you little mouse!" said the elephant. "What can I do to repay you?"

The mouse smiled and said, "Now, you have to let me have my way with you."

The elephant was horrified. But, he did promise the mouse he'd do anything, so he reluctantly obliged.

So the mouse climbed on top of the elephant and started banging him as fast as his little mouse body could.

Just then, some monkeys were sitting in a tree, watching, disgusted at this mouse banging an elephant. So they started throwing coconuts at the elephant's head.

"Ow!" cried the elephant as the coconuts bashed his tender skull. "That hurts! Stop it!"

The mouse kept going and said, "Yeah! Take it all, bitch! Take it all!"

I've got five year old girls so mine is PG:

A snail is robbed by two turtles. The police show up and ask the snail, "What happened?" The sail just looks down shaking his head and says, "I don't know. It all happened so fast."

What do you call a guy that hangs around with musicians?

A drummer.

What has 7 arms and sucks?

Def Leppard.

(In continuing the drummer jokes)

Def Leepard's music got a lot worse after their drummer lost an arm. Would be awful if I lost one of mine since I could never play pinball again.

This is officially the world's best joke..

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

When is it time to go to bed at Michael Jackson house......when the big hand touch's the little hand.....

LTG : )

Did you hear about the paranoid dyslexic, he kept thinking he was following somebody...

A doctor walks into a bar after a long day at work, sits down, and orders a pecan daiquiri. The bartender nods and gathers up the ingredients and starts mixing up the concoction. However, he quickly discovers that he had no more pecans left to add to the drink. After searching high and low behind the bar, he eventually finds some hickory nuts from one of the many Christmas decorations littering the bar. So, he substitutes them into the drink and serves the drink to the doctor. The doctor takes one sip, wrinkles his nose, and says to the bartender, "This isn't a pecan daiquiri...what is this?". "Well," the bartender responds, "That's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

Or the insomniac dyslexic during his existential crisis lying awake all night wondering if there really was a dog.

Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?

If they had 4 doors they'd be called chicken sedans.

So this guy pre-orders a pinball machine...

Your girl seems to be enjoying herself. Do you mind if I plunge one straight down the middle????

I'm drinking tonight. Don't judge lol.

A bit long but worth it:

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a spectacular gorgeous woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. As if his prayers were answered, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled, and said, "Business. The Annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was this most beautiful woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he said. "What myths are those?"

"Well," she explained. "One popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."

"It's Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba!"

Superman is patrolling around the city, he Flys by a building and through the window he sees wonder woman...naked on a bed squirming around and he's like..whoa now that's something!..i AM superman, i could fly in there and knock one off before she knows what hit her. He flys in and bam bam spilt seconds later is done and on his way...wonder woman says..WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT! ...the invisible man said i don't know but it tore me a new a$$hole!

A frog goes into a bank, and hops up on the desk of the loan officer. ''Hi,'' he croaks. ''What's your name?''

The loan officer says, ''My name is John Paddywack. May I help you?''

''Yeah,'' says the frog. ''I'd like to borrow some money.''

The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. ''Okay,what's your name?''

The frog replies, ''Kermit Jagger.''

''Really?'' says the loan officer. ''Any relation to Mick Jagger?''

''Yeah, he's my dad.''

''Hmmm,'' says the loan officer. ''Do you have any collateral?''

The frog hands over a pink ceramic elephant and asks, ''Will this do?''

The loan officer says, ''Um, I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager.''

''Oh, tell him I said hi,'' adds the frog. ''He knows me.''

The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, ''Excuse me, sir, but there's a frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing; I'm not even sure what it is.''

The manager says: ''It's a knick-knack, Paddywack, give the frog a loan; his old man's a Rolling Stone.''

Oh yes, some of the best one liners are probably not very appropriate here..
So, Why did the Blond bring 16 of here friends to the movies?
"Under 17 wasn't permitted"
Okay, maybe a little lame....
Rodney Dangerfield (they'll never be another one like him)..
" I cut way down on smoking. Me and my wife agreed we'd only smoke after sex.
I've been on the same pack for the past 4 years. What bothers me is my wife's up
to 3 packs a day".....
BTW, that was a nice clean M.J. joke...

What's the most common pick-up line in a gay bar?

"May I push in your stool?"

This is getting bad so I'm giving you my worst from 3rd grade.

What did the little burp say to the big burp?

Let's be stinkers and sneak out the back door

Not mine, but some one liners from one of my favorites, Mitch Hedberg:

I write jokes for a living, man. See I sit in my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny and then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.

I think Big Foot is blurry, that's the problem.

I like rice. Rice is great if you want to eat 2,000 of something.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, and then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?", said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"

A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?' But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."

A young Amish boy and his father visited a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that would move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father, who had never seen an elevator before, responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in reverse order. Finally, the walls opened up again, and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father whispered quietly to his son, without taking his eyes off the young woman, and said, "Go get your Mother!"

What goes clip clop clip clop bang bang bang. Clip clop clip clop bang bang bang ?

Drive by in an Amish neighborhood.

LTG : )

A husband and wife were out golfing the day before their 20th wedding anniversary, when the wife suddenly asked, "Honey, if I ever died, would you re-marry?"

He replied, almost without thinking, "I doubt it."

Secretly pleased with his response, she challenged him playfully, "Oh, come on. I'm sure you would!"

So he thought for a bit and mumbled reluctantly, "Okay, maybe I would?"

Once again pleased with the uncertainty in his voice, she grew increasingly sentimental and asked, "Would you let her sleep in our BED?"

He thought for a bit longer this time, and slowly replied, "I want to say no... but I'm thinking you want me to say yes... sooo... I guesssss sooo???"

Realizing his obvious love for her, she batted her eyelashes and asked romantically, "But would you let her use my GOLF CLUBS?"

This time, he replied swiftly, "Of course not. Don't be silly. No lefty can shoot a decent score with right-handed clubs!!!"

Why does Waldo wear stripes?

Because he doesn't want to be spotted!

Def Leppard has five members, so it should be 9 arms.

And they don't suck, they're the best band in the world (my wife told me to say that )

Two guys walk into a bar, which is odd because you would think the second guy would see what happened to the first guy and ducked.

What did one Pin say to the other Pin? You look sharp

I got a joke about pizza...... Its kinda cheesy

I just got back from a massive camping weekend... It was intense.

Any one hear about the boyscout orgy?

In was in tents...

Speaking of which, anybody know what anal sex and vegetables have in common?

If you were forced to have it as a child you probably hate it as an adult!