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(Topic ID: 175061)

What's Your Best Joke, Pinball-Related or Otherwise?


By Dooskie

4 years ago



Topic Stats

  • 749 posts
  • 226 Pinsiders participating
  • Latest reply 1 day ago by LTG
  • Topic is favorited by 75 Pinsiders

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There are 749 posts in this topic. You are on page 9 of 15.
#401 1 year ago

What do you call a cow masturbating?

-Beef Stroganoff

#402 1 year ago

Marco is at a party chatting with a gal and asked her, "Why Cindy, Are those blue panties you are wearing?" She said, Why yes they are. How did you know? Marco replied, I'm sporting my shinny new Giorgio Brutini shoes and I can see the reflection up your dress. Marco, Cindy replied, Your so devilish. Marco starts a conversation with Michele and asked, Michele, Are you wearing any panties? She said, Why no I'm not! Thank god! Marco said, I thought I had a crack in my shinny new Giorgio Brutini shoes.

1 week later
#403 1 year ago

This guy is in Madrid for business and went to this place for dinner. He couldn’t understand the menu so he looked around and saw this plate with two big meet balls on it and ask the waiter that that looked good, I will that dish please. The waiter told him that that dish was the balls from today’s bull fight, and you must get here early for that dish. So, the next day he arrives early and orders the balls from today’s bull fight. When his order arrives, he notices that the balls are much smaller than last night’s balls and ask the waiter that last night dish was much bigger, what happened? The waiter said, “I’m sorry sir but sometime the bull wins”

1 week later
#405 12 months ago

I remember when I had women beaten on my door at 2, 3 in the morning,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Trying to get out.

1 week later
#407 11 months ago

A guy goes into a bar in California where there is a robot bartender.
The robot says,
“What will you have?”

The guy replies, “Whiskey.”
The robot brings back his drink and asks,
“What’s your IQ?”
The guy say, “168.”
The robot continues to talk about physics, space exploration, and medical technology.
After the guy leaves and the more he thinks about it, the more curious he gets, so he decides to go back.
The robot asks,
“What’s your drink?”
The guy answers,
“Whiskey.”
The robot returns with his drink and asks,
“What’s your IQ?”
The man replies,
“100.”
The robot talks about Nascar, Budweiser, the Lions, and LSU.
The man finishes his drink, leaves, but is so interested in his “experiment” that he decides to try again.
He enters the bar and, as usual, the robot asks him what he want to drink.
The man replies,
“Whiskey.”
The robot brings the drink and asks,
“What’s your IQ?”
The man answers,
“35”.
The robot leans in real close and asks,
“So .... do you think Stern will show Stranger Things this week?

#408 11 months ago

A Christmas miracle...from my mom:

Last week outside the liquor store I found a $100 dollar bill, but nothing to identify who lost it. I pondered over what to do...hand it in to the store manager, or treat it as a windfall and pocket the cash. I then thought to myself what would Jesus have done? And you all know me...

Well, I promptly walked into the liquor store, and turned it into wine!

1 month later
#409 10 months ago

Mr Smith is ready to tee off and a cart boy rushes up to the 4 sum and said "Mr Smith, Your wife has been in a bad accident and is at the hospital, You need to get there right away!" My God! Mr Smith said. He looks at the 4 sum ahead and shouts," CAN I PLAY THROUGH?

#410 10 months ago


Quoted from iamdrunker:I remember when I had women beaten on my door at 2, 3 in the morning,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Trying to get out.

I also remember that.. Indeed funny

#411 10 months ago

Dad and I opened a whore house in Navada a few years back but we couldn't afford girls so the first year we ran it by hand.

#412 10 months ago

BTW. I know my jokes are dumb.

#413 10 months ago
Quoted from iamdrunker:

BTW. I know my jokes are dumb.

That last one kinda made me chuckle.

#414 10 months ago

What’s the worst thing a woman can hear after sleeping with Willie Nelson?

“I’m not Willie Nelson.”

#415 10 months ago

where does a bee put his stinger at night?

In his Honeyyyyyy!

#416 10 months ago

I think my wife died, The sex has been the same but the dishes keep stacking up.

#417 10 months ago
Quoted from iamdrunker:

I think my wife died, The sex has been the same but the dishes keep stacking up.

She’s on a ski trip with me but says she’ll wash them next week when she returns. She dropped my dog off to care for and said you’d treat it like family.

2 weeks later
#418 9 months ago

This couple had been dating a few weeks when the man announced that he wanted to take her to a baseball game. While happy to be going on another date she was also nervous because she had never even seen a baseball game on TV, and knew nothing about the game.

Her co-worker told her to just do whatever he does and it should go well.

So at the game, she seen him jump up and yell run m-efer run everytime someone was on their way to first base. So she kept doing the same thing and the date was going great.

Then later in the game, this one player was walking to first base, she jumped up and yelled run m-efer run! He said honey, that player does not have to run, he has four balls. She said oh, and then jumped up and yelled strut m-efer strut!

#419 9 months ago

A woman was pregnant and her and her husband went to the doctor. During the labor portion and the wife was moaning and crying her husband said "Come on, really? How painful can it be? The doctor said there was a new device that could pass a portion of the pain to the father, if he was willing to try. The husband agrees and the wife is fitted with this little strap with an antenna attached. As the pain increased for his wife the doctor turned a little dial and increased the amount of pain to her husband. The husband said he was fine and couldn't feel anything...so the doctor increased the percentage a little more...he still said he felt nothing...so the doctor turned it up higher until the machine was like 80% being passed to the father. The husband never complained once. The baby was born and the next day they returned home...as they approached the front door to their house...there was their Mailman lying dead on the porch.

#420 9 months ago

What's the hardest part of having sex in a graveyard ?

All that digging.
LTG : )

15
#421 9 months ago

A Hippie sits next to a young Nun on the bus and asks her if he could have sex with her?

The Nun, very upset, says
"NO! I am married to God!!"
and gets off the bus disgusted.

The bus driver sees all this.
He tells the hippie
"She prays every Tuesday night at midnight in the graveyard...
why don't you dress up in a hooded robe;
go to the graveyard
and tell her you are God
and demand sex?"

The Hippie tries this
and to his surprise,
the nun says
"Yes but only if we have anal sex
as I want to keep my virginity"
...

They have passionate bum sex
and when they are done
the hippie throws off his robe
and cries
"ha ha, I'm the Hippie!!!"

The nun cries out
"ha ha, I'm the Bus Driver!!!"

#422 9 months ago

Newsflash! A small, 2-seat aircraft crashed in a graveyard in Poland.

Rescuers have found 115 dead so far and expect to find hundreds more as they continue digging.

1 month later
#423 8 months ago

A German man was driving to France. Upon crossing the border into France the customs official stopped him.

What's your name ?
Heinrich Becker
Occupation ?
Nein, just visiting

LTG : )

#424 8 months ago

COSTCO DOCTOR

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity....
It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Costco!"

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm
sample from himself for good measure. Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars,
pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Costco!*

#425 8 months ago

I had a strange occurrence today.

My business is closed. I have 2/3rds of the lights on. Scrubbing and mopping the floor. I hear a knock on the door. I thought maybe the mail man ?

I go look. It's a lady. I open the door a crack and asked what she wanted. She said she'd trade me a blow job and a big piece of crumb cake for a roll of toilet paper.

LTG : )
Disclaimer : In case you were wondering. When I ate the crumb cake I discovered it was raspberry.

#426 8 months ago
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#428 8 months ago

A retired rock star was in New York for a charity concert at the hole in the wall venue where he'd had his first performance on his first tour, decades ago. He'd kept his suit jacket from that time, all these years, and brought it to wear.

Putting on the jacket before the show, he automatically checked the pockets and found a claim ticket for a shoe repair place. He remembered that all those years ago, he had taken his shoes to be repaired, and was probably too stoned after the concert to remember to pick them up before he left for the next concert on tour.

He checked the web and found that the shoe shop was still in business, just around he corner from the theater. He had an hour to kill before the show, so he went over.

There was a young kid behind the counter. The rocker gave the kid his autograph, on the old claim stub.

The kid told him,"We haven’t used these tickets since my granddad had the store. But, there has always been a pile of old stuff in a closet, maybe your shoes are there." The kid goes in the back to look.

A few minutes later, he comes back out, blowing the dust off an old shoebox.

"I think I found them!" he said. "Were they black and white wingtips?"

"Yes, yes they were."

"And they needed the left heel replaced?"

"Why, yes, that's right!"

"They'll be ready Tuesday."

#429 8 months ago

Two ducks are swimming around the pond.

One goes, "Quack!"

The other goes,"Oh my god, I was just about to say that!"

1 week later
#430 8 months ago

A couple in their 90s was in court for a divorce. They’d been married since just after high school.

The judge asks,"You've been married for so long, why do you want to get divorced after all This time? What happened?"

"We wanted to wait until the children were dead."

#431 8 months ago

So, a cop pulls a car over and he walks up to the driver. He says, "Is that an open bottle of vodka on your seat next to you?"

The man replies, "Have you tried to buy hand sanitizer lately?"

#432 8 months ago

So, a cop pulls a guy over and he walks over to the driver. "Your eyes look red" he says, "have you been drinking?"

The guy says to the cop,"Your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating donuts?"

#433 8 months ago

Zen master to hot dog vendor: "Make me one with everything."

The hot dog guy gives him a hot dog and the Zen Master pays with a $20. The hot dog guy just puts the $20 in his pocket.

"Hey, What about my change?"

The vendor says, "Change must come from within."

14
#434 8 months ago

Not mine - but brought a smile to my face this morning...

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"

#435 8 months ago
Quoted from marioparty34:

Not mine - but brought a smile to my face this morning...
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"

Great!!

16
#436 8 months ago
DD38557E-5ED4-450B-B89D-76445DA3E649 (resized).jpeg
#437 8 months ago

I know this CV19 has really messed some people up...

This morning I went out to get the newspaper. My neighbor on her porch, had her cat face to face. She was having some heavy conversation with the cat. I thought to myself... man she's really messed up.

I went in and told my dog... he agreed, she's totally jacked up

#438 8 months ago
Quoted from Kerry_Richard:

I know this CV19 has really messed some people up...
This morning I went out to get the newspaper. My neighbor on her porch, had her cat face to face. She was having some heavy conversation with the cat. I thought to myself... man she's really messed up.
I went in and told my dog... he agreed, she's totally jacked up

Told this one to my pet squirrel and he thinks she’s nuts.

#439 8 months ago

Why do Eskimos wash in Tide?

Because it's too cold outtide.

Northern humor

#440 8 months ago

Did you hear about the policeman who investigated a glory hole? He got an anonymous tip.

11
#441 8 months ago

A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell in to a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?
(yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)

'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks'

LTG : )

#442 8 months ago

How do you turn soup into gold?

Add 24 carrots.

#443 8 months ago

Did you hear about the man with five penises? His pants fit him like a glove...

#444 8 months ago
Quoted from LOTR_breath:

Did you hear about the man with five penises? His pants fit him like a glove...

Hollywood Knights

LTG : )

#445 8 months ago
Quoted from LTG:

Hollywood Knights
LTG : )

That movie is in my all time 5 favorites.

10
#446 8 months ago

A guy and his wife decided one night to go to the state fair. Well as they're walking around they decide to go check out the agricultural and farming installations. Well they walk up to a barn that had the 4h stud bull winners in it and go in.

As they are looking at the ribbon winners, the wife says "oh honey look at this bull it mated once every two weeks" and rubs his elbow. They keep walking and she sees the next one and says "oh honey this bull mated once a week," and rubs her husband's arm. As they made their way down the barn the wife sees the blue ribbon winner and gets really excited. She grabs her husband by the ass and says "oh honey this bull mated once a day for a full year!"

Well the husband knowing that he should be taking the hint turns to his wife and says, "why don't you ask that bull if it was the same cow?"

#447 8 months ago
Quoted from LTG:

Hollywood Knights
LTG : )

Newbomb Turk, yeah, I think I've heard of that guy...
Classic

#448 8 months ago
Quoted from Vader77:

Newbomb Turk, yeah, I think I've heard of that guy...
Classic

"It does have a little wang in it..."

12
#449 8 months ago

A plane has five passengers on board: Donald Trump, the Pope, Dr. Anthony Fauci, Hillary Clinton, and a ten year old school girl. The plane is about to crash and there is only four parachutes.
Dr Fauci, said “I need one, I have to help develop a cure for the global health crisis that is COVID19!” He straps on a parachute and jumps.
The pope said “I need one, I have to help spiritually guide people through the global health crisis that is COVID19!” He takes one and jumps.
Hillary said ‘‘I need one, I’m the smartest woman in the United States.” she takes one and jumps.
President Trump pauses for a moment and then turns to the 10-year-old. After a deep sigh, he says tenderly, "You can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only starting". The child replies, "Don’t worry, there are two parachutes left. The smartest woman in the United States took my school backpack. ​

#450 8 months ago

A woman is at home
When she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door in disgust... The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man, and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'. She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'. The next morning they hear a knockat the door and both
Run for the door.
The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'.
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. Do you have vagina'....... 'Yes' she says...... The man replies Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours'?

LTG : )

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