What do you call a cow masturbating?
Marco is at a party chatting with a gal and asked her, "Why Cindy, Are those blue panties you are wearing?" She said, Why yes they are. How did you know? Marco replied, I'm sporting my shinny new Giorgio Brutini shoes and I can see the reflection up your dress. Marco, Cindy replied, Your so devilish. Marco starts a conversation with Michele and asked, Michele, Are you wearing any panties? She said, Why no I'm not! Thank god! Marco said, I thought I had a crack in my shinny new Giorgio Brutini shoes.
This guy is in Madrid for business and went to this place for dinner. He couldn’t understand the menu so he looked around and saw this plate with two big meet balls on it and ask the waiter that that looked good, I will that dish please. The waiter told him that that dish was the balls from today’s bull fight, and you must get here early for that dish. So, the next day he arrives early and orders the balls from today’s bull fight. When his order arrives, he notices that the balls are much smaller than last night’s balls and ask the waiter that last night dish was much bigger, what happened? The waiter said, “I’m sorry sir but sometime the bull wins”
I remember when I had women beaten on my door at 2, 3 in the morning,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Trying to get out.
A guy goes into a bar in California where there is a robot bartender.
The robot says,
“What will you have?”
The guy replies, “Whiskey.”
The robot brings back his drink and asks,
“What’s your IQ?”
The guy say, “168.”
The robot continues to talk about physics, space exploration, and medical technology.
After the guy leaves and the more he thinks about it, the more curious he gets, so he decides to go back.
The robot asks,
“What’s your drink?”
The guy answers,
The robot returns with his drink and asks,
“What’s your IQ?”
The man replies,
The robot talks about Nascar, Budweiser, the Lions, and LSU.
The man finishes his drink, leaves, but is so interested in his “experiment” that he decides to try again.
He enters the bar and, as usual, the robot asks him what he want to drink.
The man replies,
The robot brings the drink and asks,
“What’s your IQ?”
The man answers,
The robot leans in real close and asks,
“So .... do you think Stern will show Stranger Things this week?
A Christmas miracle...from my mom:
Last week outside the liquor store I found a $100 dollar bill, but nothing to identify who lost it. I pondered over what to do...hand it in to the store manager, or treat it as a windfall and pocket the cash. I then thought to myself what would Jesus have done? And you all know me...
Well, I promptly walked into the liquor store, and turned it into wine!
Mr Smith is ready to tee off and a cart boy rushes up to the 4 sum and said "Mr Smith, Your wife has been in a bad accident and is at the hospital, You need to get there right away!" My God! Mr Smith said. He looks at the 4 sum ahead and shouts," CAN I PLAY THROUGH?
Dad and I opened a whore house in Navada a few years back but we couldn't afford girls so the first year we ran it by hand.
What’s the worst thing a woman can hear after sleeping with Willie Nelson?
“I’m not Willie Nelson.”
This couple had been dating a few weeks when the man announced that he wanted to take her to a baseball game. While happy to be going on another date she was also nervous because she had never even seen a baseball game on TV, and knew nothing about the game.
Her co-worker told her to just do whatever he does and it should go well.
So at the game, she seen him jump up and yell run m-efer run everytime someone was on their way to first base. So she kept doing the same thing and the date was going great.
Then later in the game, this one player was walking to first base, she jumped up and yelled run m-efer run! He said honey, that player does not have to run, he has four balls. She said oh, and then jumped up and yelled strut m-efer strut!
A woman was pregnant and her and her husband went to the doctor. During the labor portion and the wife was moaning and crying her husband said "Come on, really? How painful can it be? The doctor said there was a new device that could pass a portion of the pain to the father, if he was willing to try. The husband agrees and the wife is fitted with this little strap with an antenna attached. As the pain increased for his wife the doctor turned a little dial and increased the amount of pain to her husband. The husband said he was fine and couldn't feel anything...so the doctor increased the percentage a little more...he still said he felt nothing...so the doctor turned it up higher until the machine was like 80% being passed to the father. The husband never complained once. The baby was born and the next day they returned home...as they approached the front door to their house...there was their Mailman lying dead on the porch.
A Hippie sits next to a young Nun on the bus and asks her if he could have sex with her?
The Nun, very upset, says
"NO! I am married to God!!"
and gets off the bus disgusted.
The bus driver sees all this.
He tells the hippie
"She prays every Tuesday night at midnight in the graveyard...
why don't you dress up in a hooded robe;
go to the graveyard
and tell her you are God
and demand sex?"
The Hippie tries this
and to his surprise,
the nun says
"Yes but only if we have anal sex
as I want to keep my virginity"
They have passionate bum sex
and when they are done
the hippie throws off his robe
"ha ha, I'm the Hippie!!!"
The nun cries out
"ha ha, I'm the Bus Driver!!!"
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