The currently inflated pinball prices are the best joke ever. Prices should be around half imo.

I have been sexually active since 9

My wrist is now very sore as it is 9.45

The FDA announced today to be vary cautious when purchasing Viagra and other ED medications online, as it has been found that the medications could be Russian counterfeit pharmaceuticals. They urge all users to please examine all bottles very carefully to ensure "Made In The USA" is printed on the label. It is critical that everyone do this because the US government does not want Russia meddling with our erections.

That isn't funny. Michael Jackson tried his best to reform himself and be the best person he could be. None of us are perfect. In fact I remember him giving a very touching interview with Barbra Walters where he vowed to only date Twenty-Nine year olds from that day forward. Barbara then asked "why 29 year olds?" to which MJ replied "Are you kidding? BECAUSE THERE ARE 20 OF THEM."

Great joke. I just sent it to Cliffy. All credit to you sir!

My performance in league last week was a joke. That's pinball related.

When she moved away...

I had a huge crush on the pretty girl who lived next door but never had the courage to tell her so. Then she moved a couple states away and I missed her so much that I started writing to her every day, pouring my heart out in each of the letters. I sent every one by registered mail with return receipt requested, so she would have to sign for them and I would be sure she received them all.
Six months later she married the postman.

The origin of an expression:

Attacked while in the library, I defended myself by throwing heavy bound editions of the classics at my assailant. David Copperfield and A Tale of Two Cities scored direct hits, but it was Moby Dick bouncing off his nose that caused the attacker to run away as he yelled "that hurt like the Dickens!"

How about original jokes? New England style...

An oyster and 2 quohogs roll into a bar.
The bartender says "What'll ya have?"
The oyster says "A round of Sam Adams for the three of us".
The bartender says "That'll be 2 clams".
The oyster says "Let's go fellas I hate drinking alone."

do-do-tschh.

sometimes you need visuals

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Pretty girls in Barcelona don't carry umbrellas, because as everyone knows...the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.

Everything I've posted in this thread has been my own original.

Although the setups may be original, the punchlines are not.

A woman asked her husband if her dress made her look fat. He took a long breath and said "honey... I'm going to be completely honest with you, but you have to promise that no matter what I say you won't get mad." The wife reluctantly agreed. The man said "I'm sleeping with your sister."

What if Dukes of Hazzard had starred Abbott and Costello? Think about it:

What kind of car do you drive?
General Lee.
Yeah, generally what kind of car do you drive?
I just told you.
No, you just said generally.
Exactly.
Just tell me exactly what car you drive.
I can tell you exactly that its General Lee.

....and IF the General Lee was made by General Motors (yes I know it was a Dodge) but the punchline would go on forever!!

A Teacher's story about stuttering

A Teacher is explaining Biology to her 4th Grade Students.

"Human beings are the only Animals that stutter,' she says

A little Girl raises her Hand. 'I had a Kitty-Cat who stuttered.'

The Teacher, knowing how precious some of these Stories could become, asked the Girl to describe the incident

"Well," she began, 'I was in the back Yard with my Kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the Fence into our Yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the Teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little Girl.

'My Kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say '@#ck-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!

The Teacher had to leave the Room.

This funny sign appears atop a South Park at Jilly's Arcade on the Ocean City, New Jersey boardwalk.

Incidentally, Jilly's has 2 nice rows of pinballs at only 25 cents per play.

20190813_230852 (resized).jpg

That sign and a Cartman figure for on top the game, came with the game.

LTG : )

My favorite frog joke starts at 7:19.
Wally

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; as you can see, we're joined side by side at the hip. I’m John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian draft beers please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.

"Been on holiday yet, boys"?

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?"

Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture ..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John.

"Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim?

And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."

Bartender asks: “Then why keep going to England?”

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

Did you hear about the new movie called Constipation?
-Its okay, it hasn't came out yet.

What do Germans call constipation?

Farfrompoopin

I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome.

It was pretty bad at first, but by the end i liked it a lot.

Not a joke, more like a trivia question, not sure if even true, but I heard this years ago...

What is the only mammal other than humans that have sex for pleasure?

dolphins

What do you call a fat psychic?

.
.
A four-chin teller.

How do you make a hormone?
Don't pay her.

Why is pubic hair curly?
You'd poke your eye out if it were straight.

A state patrol officer was on his way back to the office when suddenly the car in front of him that had been doing the speed limit suddenly accelerated greatly. The chase got so fast and dangerous spike strips were used. When it was all over the officer asked the man why he had sped up and did all this.
The man said well, 3 months ago my wife ran off with a state patrol officer, and when I seen you in my mirror I was afraid it was you trying to bring her back.

Husband to wife "hey honey, what would you say if I told you I won the lottery"?
Wife "I would say I am taking half of it and leaving you immediately".
Husband "ok, well I won 10 bucks, here is a five, see ya bye".

I prefer this one:

A man comes home one day full of excitement, saying to his wife, "Guess what honey? Pack your bags, I won the lottery!" The wife squeals with delight and says, "That's great! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says, "I don't care, just pack your bags and get out!"

There are 3 kinds of sex.
1. house sex - when you first get together and do it all over the house.
2. bedroom sex - after everything settles down you usually just stick to the bedroom.
3. hall sex - after you have been together for way too long and are sick of each other and passing in the hall you say F___ YOU!

Wow, 15 days and no jokes. Hell, right now I can not think of a decent one but I do have a old bathroom wall story: Back when I was 8 years old I went into a restroom while traveling with my Dad. On the wall someone had written a poem that I have never forgot, it said:

Some people come here to sit and think.
Some people come here to shit and stink.
But I come here to scratch my balls, and read the writing on the walls.
signed, the shithouse poet.

That was very funny as a 8 year old, and still ok even today I think.

I will try to come up with more jokes soon, just very odd no one has told me a decent joke in a long time now.

Why does my ex remind me of Kentucky Fried Chicken ?

Because once you get past the breasts and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

LTG : )

I would give you sir 10 stars if I could! You are just all over this site helping people and just so awesome!

And that joke was very good and I had never heard it.

pm me if you are ever in the Atlanta area. There is a very good seafood restaurant a block from here I will buy your dinner, for not only the help you gave me, but also the help you gave others on this site that also helped me when I was having the same issues and did not post.

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need are two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

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A skeleton walks into a bar.

Bartender: What'll ya have?

Skeleton: Give me a beer and a mop.

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Q: How do you get an 80-year old woman to say the F-word?

A: Yell, "BINGO!"

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Ok, these next jokes might be just dumb enough to make you laugh... here we go...

I think I want a job cleaning mirrors. It's just something I could see myself doing.

Q: Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
A: Because the P is silent.

Q: What's gray and can't fly?
A: A parking lot.

Q: What's blue and smells like red paint?
A: Blue paint.

Q: Why can't Ray Charles see his friends?
A: He's married.

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First, he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a long limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punch-line.

Two cats are swimming across the river. One's name is "One two three" and the other's name is "Un deux trois." Who makes it across?
One two three, because Un deux trois cat sank.

Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, EOOOOOOOHAHHHHHMMMMUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOAAAAUUUUUUU..."
The second whale turns to the first and says, "Frank, what is wrong with you?"

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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

Q: What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.

Q: What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
A: Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Q: Why did Star Wars episodes 4, 5, and 6 come before 1, 2, and 3?
A: Because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was.

If you're ever attacked by a gang of clowns, go for the juggler.

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll.

My boss keeps talking about a company 401k .. I don't think I can run that far.

A man is sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous, sexy, young woman enters. The man can’t stop staring at her. The young woman notices this and walks directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman says to him, "I'll do anything you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, with one condition." Flabbergasted, the man asks what the condition is. The young woman replies, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The man considers her proposition for a moment, withdraws his wallet from his pocket, and hands the woman five $20 bills. He looks deeply into her eyes and slowly says, "Paint my house."

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...and that, folks, is a risque as I will get on this site! LOL

The Ray Charles one actually made me laugh!

When you’re driving red means “stop”, green means “go”, and yellow means “slow down”. But in the banana world it’s totally different. Yellow means “go”,green means “slow down”, and red means “where the fuck did you get that banana?”.
-Mitch Hedberg

To necrophiliacs walking down the street. One turns to the other and says “how’s the old lady” The other answers “the rotten bitch split on me.”

A phish walks into a bar, says to the bartender I'm looking to get tanked.

Please delete

I think my wife died, The sex has been the same but the dishes keep stacking up.

Recently bought a cabin in a kinda redneck area. A neighbor invited me to a party that night, said there will be some dancing, probably be some fighting, and guaranteed there will be some fuc$%ng. I said it sounds great, what should I wear? He said it dont matter, jus gonna be you n me

What's the most unusual thing you ever found in a pinball machine?

A schematic.