Guy asks his wife if she would like to have a little nookie this evening.
She replies that she has gynecologist appointment tomorrow and would rather not.
Guy replies “Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?”
(Topic ID: 175061)
Winchester, VA
Quoted from CNKay:I went to a buddies house to play pinball.
What's this shit on the floor? I ask.
He replies oh that's Kaneda passed out.
Wife says, good thing you didn't step in it!
2 months later
I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle, bought a bottle of whiskey and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off my bike the bottle would break.. so I drank all the whiskey before I rode home. Turned out to be a good idea, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home. Imagine what would have happened to the bottle.
There was a guy that worked his whole life in the same old 9-5 job. He always thought his wife was cheating on him while he was at work, but never knew for sure.
Then suddenly one day he gets laid off. He comes home early. His wife is in a kinky outfit in their 3rd story apartment, and there is the smell of cigar smoke in the room. He goes nuts, WHERE IS HE, WHERE IS HE? She says there is no one here, why are you home early?
He goes to the window of the apartment, and sees a guy walking 3 stories below on the sidewalk smoking a cigar and whistling happily. In anger he says there he is, and his adrenaline kicks in and he actually picks up their fridge, throws it out the window, and kills the guy on the sidewalk.
A few minutes later, he hears sirens, and knows his life is ruined. 1. His wife was always cheating just as he had thought. 2. He had just been laid off from a great job and would probably never get a great job like that again. 3. He had just murdered a guy on the sidewalk.
So, he did the only thing he could figure to do at the time, he jumped out the window and committed suicide.
Now...…..we have 3 souls at the gate of Heaven. The angel asks why are any of you here, it was not your time. The first guy says I was just walking down the sidewalk smoking my cigar and whistling because I was in a great mood, and this guy throws a fridge out the window and kills me. They look at the 2nd guy and he says, yeah, after I killed him, I knew I would get the chair, or rot in jail, so I ended my life without all that. THEN, they look at the 3rd guy, and he says, I was just sitting in this fridge, and...….
A doctor sits down to write a prescription. He pulls a rectal thermometer out of his pocket. He says dammit, some asshole has my pen.
A man was driving down the road with his 8 year old son in the car with him. They passed 2 dogs having sex. The son said what are those dogs doing daddy? The dad, not wanting to go into the birds and bees just said son, that dog on top has injured his front paw, and the dog on bottom is trying to help him home. The son then said Daddy, that is like a real life story about people also. The Dad, puzzled by this comment says what do you mean son? The son says well sometimes you try to help someone and you get screwed.
Ever heard of a Freudian slip?
No what's that?
I stepped up to the counter at the airport and the woman behind it was well endowed, I said 2 Pickets to Tittsburg please.
Oh yeah, I know what you mean. Last night I was at home eating dinner with my wife and I meant to say, Honey can you please pass the salt? Instead I said, marrying you ruined my life!
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.
The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"
"Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad.
The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"
"One," said the young salesman.
"Only one?!" blurted the boss. "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well," said the salesman, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook???"
"No...." answered the salesman, "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, "Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing."
A man and his son go into a bank. They get in line behind a very large lady. The son turns to his father and says, "That woman is fat!."
The father says, "Yes son, but be quiet. That isn't nice to say about people."
All of a sudden the woman's beeper goes off. The son screams at his father, "Watch out, she's backing up!"
A young man wished to buy a pair of gloves for his sweetheart's birthday. So he went to an expensive boutique, bought the finest gloves available, and asked the saleswoman to have them delivered with a note. While wrapping the gloves, a clerk accidentally mixed up the order and sent a pair of panties instead. Here is the note the young man wrote to his sweetheart:
Darling,
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but because your sister wears the short ones that are so easy to remove, I decided to get the same style for you.
Although these are a delicate shade, the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for three weeks, and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on for me and she really looked smart.
I wish I could be there to put them on for you for the first time. No doubt, many other hands will touch them before I see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. And be sure to keep them on while cleaning them so they don't shrink.
Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year! Hope you like them and will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love,
Hollingsworth
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
Okay, this is it for the night:
*Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
*Virginity like bubble, one prick and all gone.
*Man who run in front of car get tired.
*Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*Man who scratches ass. should not bite fingernails.
*Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.
*Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
*War doesn't determine who is right war determines who is left.
*Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
*Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
*Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
*Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
*Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
*Crowded elevator smells different to midget.
Well, one more....
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put the glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday the priest took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, the priest started to get nervous so he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm! Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet on his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, do not say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace for a meal is not: "Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub, Yea God!"
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling at St. Taffy's.
I think my wife is messing around on me. I was working out of town and was missing her so I called her a said, "Honey, I was just thinking about the last time we made Love." And she said, "Who is this?"
I have more jokes for later, right now I wanted to share a story I thought was funny, this is not a joke.
This guy that puts up metal buildings once had a crew working on something in Panama City. He was on another job and not there. He gets a call that a laborer of his had fell off a roof and was in the hospital. When he gets there his other employees inform him that Carlos had done some drugs, and was also drunk, and they had tried to just leave him at the motel and not even take him to the job. So anyway now, Carlos has a lawyer already, and going to try to sue. The company owner talks to his own lawyer. His lawyer says this will cost some money, but will probably work, and save you on future insurance increases. He says to go to the bank, get 100 20 dollar bills, 100 10 dollar bills, and 100 5 dollar bills. Dump them all in a paper bag, and go to the hospital with this paper. Tell Carlos we can settle now and he can have all this money if he signs this paper. The plan works and Carlos is happy, but the lawyer he hired is not. I think that lawyer ended up being sued for harassment.
About 7 years ago now Bill was on his way to the White House to have dinner with the President and his family. As he went through the gate he seen a old friend working the guard post. The guard had some really good booze and Bill had way too much to drink with him. After getting back in his car to finish the drive in he accidently ran over the Presidents dog. Bill was panicking, he did not know what to do. While he was sitting there he noticed something shiny that was mostly buried. He dug it out with his car key and rubbed it off to see what it was, and it was a lamp. And yes, a genie pops out and says I can give you one wish. Bill says I thought it was 3, genie says no, only one. Bill says I just accidently killed this dog, and I really need this to be fixed. Can you bring this dog back to life? The genie looked at the dog and said sorry this dog is too messed up, is there any other wish? Bill thinks for a moment, then takes out his wallet. Bill says this is a picture of my wife, and this is a picture of my girlfriend Monica. Can you make my wife look like Monica? The genie studies the pictures a few minutes then says...lets take another look at that dog.
Long before the internet was invented a guy was looking at for sale ads in his local newspaper. He loved pinball machines, he already owned 2. Anyway he spots a ad for 3 NIB pinball machines for $10.00 each. He thought this has got to be a misprint or something, but he decides to go check it out anyway. When he gets to the address, it is a very nice house, like a mansion almost. He rings the doorbell and a very good looking blonde answers. Long story short, not only was she only asking 10.00 each for the pinballs, he also picked up a corvette less than 6 months old for $100.00, and all kinds of great deals. Then it hit him, this is too good to be true, this stuff must be stolen. He nervously asks the blonde why she is selling all this stuff at such a great price. She shows him a note from her husband that reads "Hey, I am leaving you, I am running off with my secretary to live in the Bahamas. Please sell all my stuff and send me the money".
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."
Long ago in a small town in the south there lived a woman named Tootie Green. She was a ho, alcoholic, etc. Some members of the community were always trying to get her to change her ways and get her to go to church. One Sunday morning the Reverend notices a woman sitting on the front pew in a mini dress with no drawers on, and he could see everything the way she is sitting. The Reverend leans over to the music director and whispers "is that Tootie Green"? The music director looks and whispers back "I think that is just the way the light is shining on it".
Gilligan's Island
My wife might be messing around on me, Every time I walk in the front door our Parrot says "Quick, Out the window"
1 week later
So, this guy goes to a nude beach, and he falls asleep. When he wakes up he is like crap, I have to hurry, I have a 2nd date with this blond at my house and I promised to cook her dinner.
Well, things are going great during dinner, until all of a sudden the guy realizes his private part has been badly sunburned and the pain is getting unbearable.
He tells his date to excuse him he needs to go to the kitchen. The only thing he can think of to quickly relieve his pain is a cold glass of milk.
So, he is standing there with his stuff in the glass of milk, and she walks in and sees that, and she says "Wow, I always wondered how men loaded those things".
3 pregnant ladies were having lunch and having a casual conversation. The red head mentions that she is having a boy, because she had been on the bottom. The brunette says oh great, then I must be having a girl because she had been on top. The blonde starts crying. The other 2 ladies look at her and say what is wrong? The blonde says "I am having puppies".
A country boy was marring a city woman. He was kind of afraid that she had been around, and he was still a virgin.
His Daddy told him on your honeymoon, the first time you expose your private part say Honey, do you call this a penis or a dick. If she calls it a penis she is most likely a good girl. If she calls it a dick she has probably been around. Anyway, the country boy remembers this advice and the first time they get naked he asks the question: "honey, do you call this a penis or a dick"? She says "that is a penis". He says "whew, I am glad you did not call it a dick". She says "a dick is bigger than that".
The following joke can be customized any way you want it. I heard it as a political joke, so I am just saying person one and person 2 in the joke.
If person one and person 2 were both drowning, and you only had enough time to save one of them...…….what kind of sandwich would you make?
It was bad enough that the boy was born with stubs for feet, but to make matters worse his older brother was always mean to him. Everything was explained when medical tests revealed the older boy was lack toes intolerant.
The big game hunter from America went to Africa and scored two kills that he wanted to bring back to a taxidermist.
But he had to leave one behind because the airline only allowed one carrion.
Odds are that Yoko Ono will win the next season of SURVIVOR
reason being she has spent years living off of dead Beatles.
Did you hear about the dyslexic insomniac atheist?
He stays up all night worrying about the existence of a dog.
Regina, SK
Just came up with this one so don't sue me.....
A couple is lying in bed passionately kissing when the woman stops him and says "honey I've been thinking maybe you should put on protection" and the guys says "why are we talking about this right now?" She replies "Because we have to think about the future." He snaps back "Ok fine... Cliffy's or mylar?"
Quoted from Vdrums:Just came up with this one so don't sue me.....
A couple is lying in bed passionately kissing when the woman stops him and says "honey I've been thinking maybe you should put on protection" and the guys says "why are we talking about this right now?" She replies "Because we have to think about the future." He snaps back "Ok fine... Cliffy's or mylar?"
Make sure you give her a good waxing.
Two newlyweds go on their honeymoon at a scenic destination, and the husband asks his bride if they can do the helicopter tour. Her response is that there are better ways to spend their money, and $100 bucks is a $100 bucks.
25 years later they are on their silver anniversary trip to another scenic destination, and again the husband asks his wife if they can do the helicopter tour. Her response is that there are better ways to spend their money, and $100 bucks is a $100 bucks.
25 more years pass and they are on their gold anniversary trip to yet another scenic destination, and while sightseeing the husband asks his wife again, if they can do the helicopter tour. Again, her response is that there are better ways to spend their money, and $100 bucks is a $100 bucks. However, this time a gentlemen happened to overhear their discussion, and chimed in saying that he was actually a helicopter tour guide and he was willing to make them a deal. As a friendly gesture, he would offer both of them a free helicopter tour under one condition - that they both remain silent during the entire experience. If either one of them said a word, then they would have to pay the $100 fee for the ride.
The husband and wife discussed for a minute, and he was able to persuade her to take the helicopter tour guide up on his offer. So, they meet the pilot at the helipad, get in, put their headsets and mics on, and they were off. Once in the air the pilot, not wanting to lose a tour fee, immediately began performing his most acrobatic maneuvers. He knew full well that it would be impossible for the elderly couple to not say something during all of the twisting, turning, and otherwise horrifying ride. The flight went on like this for 30 minutes, and to the pilot's utter dismay he didn't hear a single word from the back seat of the helicopter. When the flight was over, as he was touching down on the helipad he told the couple it was okay to talk now and asked, "How in the world did you stay quiet the entire flight?" The husband responded back and said his wife had forgotten to latch her seatbelt and that she went flying out the door on the very first maneuver. The pilot was shocked, and in panic asked, "Why didn't you say anything?" The husband comely responded by saying, "I was going to, but $100 bucks is $100 bucks."
ba dum tssh 
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