(Topic ID: 175061)

What's Your Best Joke, Pinball-Related or Otherwise?

By Dooskie

7 years ago


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There are 1,455 posts in this topic. You are on page 6 of 30.
#251 5 years ago

What do you call a Mexican midget?

A paragraph.....

Because he's not a full essay.

-1
#252 5 years ago

I fukd her low
I fukd her high
I fukd her wet
I fukd her dry
But when she's dead and long forgotten
I'll dig her up and fuk her rotten

#253 5 years ago

-1
#254 5 years ago

Man walks into a bar,

says OUCH.

#255 5 years ago

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

——-

When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. But when a 50 yo married couple smiles everyone wonders why..!!!

——-

I just deleted all the German names off my phone. ... It’s Hans free.

———

Let me tell you a little about myself. It’s a reflexive pronoun that means ‘me.

———

Employer: We need someone for this job, who is responsible.
Applicant: Sir, your search ends here, in my previous job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I am responsible.

————

Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven.

God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first cop says: "I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force."
The second police officer says: "I would like to hear that I was a terrific cop who died in the line of duty." The last cop replies: "I would like to hear them say ... Look, he's Moving!"

#256 5 years ago

Son: "Dad what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmm... You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential.

———

You should be ashamed, the father told his son, Andy. When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he used to walk ten miles every day to get to school. Really? Andy responded. Well, when he was your age, he was the president.

——

What do you call a woman in heaven?
John: An angel!
A crowd of women in heaven?
John: A host of angels!
All the women in heaven?
John: PEACE ON EARTH!

———

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

#257 5 years ago

Whats the difference between a joke and three stiff c#@$s? Your mom cant take a joke.

-1
#258 5 years ago
Quoted from dirkdiggler:

I fukd her low
I fukd her high
I fukd her wet
I fukd her dry
But when she's dead and long forgotten
I'll dig her up and fuk her rotten

WTF. The topic asked for your "best."

This is really stupid.

#259 5 years ago

A joke any NY sports team

#260 5 years ago
20181130_122550 (resized).jpg20181130_122550 (resized).jpg
#261 5 years ago

"If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?" Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

#262 5 years ago

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."

Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Jack took the money.

#263 5 years ago

Two cannibals were eating a clown, one cannibal says to the other, does this taste funny to you?

#264 5 years ago

Two Italian men riding on the bus:

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two paychecks come together. I come once-a-more. Two paychecks, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

LTG : )

#265 5 years ago
Quoted from Atari_Daze:

Man walks into a bar,
says OUCH.

I can go one better.

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

#266 5 years ago

Two guys make their way down the street. The first one walks into a bar, but the second one ducks.

#267 5 years ago

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, "What's with the paper towel?"

The pirate says, "Arrr, I've got a bounty on me head."

#268 5 years ago

A QA engineer walks into a bar, and orders a beer.

Then he orders 0 beers.

Then he orders 999999999999 beers.

Then he orders a lizard.

Then he orders -1 beers.

Then he orders asnwikfjsdf.

Then he orders a ; DROP TABLE tabs ;

The bartender pours one beer turns into a giraffe and disappears.

#269 5 years ago

I went into a toy store to do some early Christmas shopping and asked the assistant, "Where are the Schwarzenegger action figures?"

The assistant said, "Aisle B, back."

#270 5 years ago

What is red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.

Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
The don’t meet the koalafications.

A bear walks into a restaurant and say’s “I want a grilllllled………………………………………cheese.” The waiter says “Whats with the pause?”
The bear replies “Whaddya mean, I’M A BEAR.”

Why dont blind people skydive?
Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, “Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel on your pants.”
The pirate says, “Arrrr, I know. It’s driving me nuts.”

Two gold fish are in a tank.
One looks at the other and says, “You know how to drive this thing?!”

#271 5 years ago

I bought the worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.

How Long is a Chinese man’s name.
No, it actually is.

How does NASA organize a party?
They planet.

Knock Knock.
Who’s There?
To.
To Who?
It’s To Whom.

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Same middle name.

My grandfather died peacefully, in his sleep…
…not screaming like the passengers in his car.

Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog?
He wanted to get a long little doggie.

If you want to find out who loves you more, stick your wife and dog in the trunk of your car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is happy to see you?

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.

#272 5 years ago

We NEVER go to her place

How come we never go to my place (resized).jpgHow come we never go to my place (resized).jpg
#273 5 years ago

3 kinds of people in this world, those who are good at math and those who aren't

#274 5 years ago

A sandwich walks into the bar and the bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve food here".

#275 5 years ago

2 parrots sitting on a perch.

One says to the other "smells a bit fishy around here".

#276 5 years ago

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmurs their approval. The man stands up on the bar, drops his trousers, and places his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closes his mouth as the crowd gasps. After a minute, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top its head. The gator opens his mouth, and the man removes his genitals, unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and he receives the first of his free drinks.

The man stands up again and makes another offer: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush falls over the crowd. A moment later, a hand goes up in the back of the bar.

"I'll try," says a small woman, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

#277 5 years ago

A guy walks into a bar and announces that he can close his eyes and name what kind of alcohol he is drinking and how old it is, just by taste and smell.
A drunken guy at the bar says, "I bet I can give you a drink that you can't name."

"You're on," replies the guy, "as long as you pay."

So the drunken guy puts a drink on the table. The guy sips it, gags and spits it out. "This tastes like piss!"

"Yeah," says the drunken guy, "now guess how old I am

#278 5 years ago

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."

"What are the three tests?" asks the man

"Gotta pay first."

So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.

"OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."

"Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!"

The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.

"Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.

He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence.

Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.

"NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?"

#279 5 years ago

A good looking woman walks into a bar wearing a tube top. She raises her hand to signal the bartender for a beer, revealing that she does not shave her armpits.

Meanwhile, a sloppy drunk on the other side of the bar signals the bartender, "Buy that ballerina over there a drink on me."

The bartender replies, "What makes you think she's a ballerina?"

"Because," answers the drunken man, "any chick that can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina."

#280 5 years ago

A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him he owes $8.

"But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says the customer.

"OK," says the bartender, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."

The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."

The customer goes outside and tells a friend how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs.

The bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the -- "

The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

#281 5 years ago

A guy walks into a bar and orders six shooters. The bartender says, "Looks like you are having a bad day."

The guy says, "Am I ever! I woke up late for work. On my way to work, I got in an accident. When I got to work, I was four hours late, so the boss fired me. To top it off, I came home to my wife screwing my best friend."

The bartender says, "What did you say to your wife?"

The guy says, "I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again."

The bartender says, "What did you say to your best friend?"

The guy says, "BAD DOG!"

#282 5 years ago

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing-eye dog. He stands in the center of the bar, takes the dog by the chain, and starts swinging him above his head.

Everyone stops and stares. Upset about the way the animal is being treated, a patron runs up to the blind man and demands, "What the hell are you doing?"

The blind man turns toward the patron and says, "Oh, nothing, just looking around."

#283 5 years ago

A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.

The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says.

"For what?"

The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute."

The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money."

The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda -- look it up." She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary.

The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary. It says, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves."

#284 5 years ago

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."

The second one says, "I'll have one, too."

The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."

The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"

1 week later
#285 5 years ago

I walked into the butchers the other day and they offered a special on
8 legs of Venison for $20.00!
Is this two deer?

#286 5 years ago

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and deer nuts?

Beer Nuts are $1.25... and deer nuts are under a buck.

O.o

#287 5 years ago

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

Q: Why did the boy eat his homework?
A: Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake.

Q: What do you find at the end of everything?
A: The letter "g."

Q: What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu?
A: One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.

Q: How can Santa deliver presents during a thunderstorm?
A: His sleigh is flown by raindeer

Q. A girl fell off of a 30-foot ladder, but she didn't get hurt at all. How is this possible?
A. She fell off the bottom step!

Q. What has one head, one foot, and four legs?
A. A bed.

Q: I am the beginning of the end, and the end of time and space. I am essential to creation, and I surround every place. Who am I?
A: The letter E

Q: Poor people have it. Rich people need it. If you eat it, you'll die. What is it?
A: Nothing!

#288 5 years ago

Christmas cracker jokes no doubt

1 week later
#289 5 years ago

- If we're going to fight the war on terror...a good place to start would be the nations haunted houses.

- Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It's almost never for them.

- I'm not really on top trends....when everyone was burning CD's, I was still burning books.

2 months later
#290 4 years ago

The world's leading expert on Vespula germanica walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week and is said to be the best recording of European wasps ever collected!”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”

The assistant checks the turntable, and confirms that it is indeed the correct recording, European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. "Let's try the next track," the assistant says, and moves te needle.

Again the expert listens for a moment and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."

The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.

The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.

"This is outrageous false advertising! No specimen of Vespula germanica or any wasp that I know of has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"

The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.

"What seems to be the problem, sir?"

"This is an outrage! I'm the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is simply no way that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"

The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.

"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."

#291 4 years ago

I was taking a shortcut through a cemetery one evening as the sun was setting. Three girls approached me and asked if they could walk with me.

I said sure. They started talking about how a cemetery was scary at night and they were glad they weren't alone.

I told them walking through cemeteries used to scare me too, back when I was alive.

They sure could run fast.

LTG : )

#292 4 years ago

An old married couple are rocking in their rockers on the front porch when the old woman reaches out and slaps the old man right in the face, knocking him completely off his rocker. The old man picks himself up, dusts himself off, sits back down in his chair and continues rocking. A few minutes go by and he says “What the hell was that for, woman?” and she says “That is for all the years of bad sex you’ve given me!” and continues rocking. A few minutes go by when the old man reaches out and slaps the old woman in the face, kocking her completely off her rocker. The old woman picks herself up, dusts herself off, sits back down in her chair and starts rocking. A few minutes go by and she says “Well what the hell was THAT for!”
The old man rocks back and says “That’s for knowin’ the difference.”

#293 4 years ago
trans (resized).jpgtrans (resized).jpg
#294 4 years ago

Three little dwarves are sitting around their kitchen table feeling sad and depressed after a lifetime of teasing and bullying. They decided that they had had enough and were going to find a way to make the world remember their names - but how?
Sitting around the table pondering what they could do, the first little dwarf looks down at his hands and says "I bet I have the smallest hands in the world"! The second little dwarf looks down at his feet and says "I bet I have the smallest feet in the world'! The third little dwarf looks down and says "I bet I have the smallest penis in the world"! Together they think - we can get our names in the Guinness Book of Records; we will be remembered forever!!

With this new found enthusiasm the three little dwarves race down to the Guinness World Record headquarters and THE official book confident that they are finally going to get their over-due recognition.

For official measuring, only one dwarf is allowed in the room at a time.
The first dwarf enters, stays for two minutes and comes out jumping for joy "YAY! My name is in the book. I officially have the smallest hands in the world"!

The second little dwarf enters, stays for two minutes and comes out jumping for joy "YAY! My name is in the book. I officially have the smallest feet in the world"!

By now the third little dwarf can hardly sit still with excited anticipation confident that he too will finally see his name in the big book for his small penis! He enters the room, 2 minutes...3 minutes....5 minutes pass.....The door slowly opens and the third little dwarf, head hung low, shoulders slumped dejectedly rejoins his friends. They ask him what happened?

With tears streaming down his face he says "God Damn that Kaneda guy".

*****Sorry man. Needed a name everyone knew.

#295 4 years ago

What's the one thing a plumber will never do?

Bite his fingernails...

#296 4 years ago

A Higgs-boson walks into a Catholic church and sits down in a pew. After about 5 minutes into the Homily, the agitated priest looks up and says, "I saw you come in here earlier. Unfortunately, you are not allowed in here". The Higgs-boson quickly replies, "But, without me, you cannot have mass".

#297 4 years ago

Men Are Deep Thinkers

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said “nothing.” The reason I said that instead of saying “just thinking” is because she would have said “about what.” At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I thought about an age-old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby and here's the reason for my conclusion: A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never ever hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case. Time for another beer.

#298 4 years ago

One morning a small boy was walking down the street dragging a roll of chicken wire. As he passed this particular house an old man sitting on the porch yelled out to the boy, "where ya goin' with that chicken wire, boy?"
"Down to the park to catch me some chickens!", replied the boy.
"Why, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire you silly boy!" exclaimed the old man.
30 minutes later the boy walked right past the old man's house carrying 20 chickens.

The next day the same boy was walking down the street dragging rolls of duct tape. As he passed this particular house the old man sitting on the porch yelled out to the boy, "where ya goin' with that duct tape, boy?"
"Down to the park to catch me some ducks!", replied the boy.
"Why, you can't catch ducks with duct tape you silly boy!" exclaimed the old man.
30 minutes later the boy walked right past the old man's house carrying 20 ducks.

The next day the same boy was walking down the street dragging a large bundle of branches. As he passed this particular house the old man sitting on the porch yelled out to the boy, "Where ya goin' with those branches, boy?"
"Oh these aren't branches they're pussywillows.. "
The old man excitedly interrupted, "Hold on son...let me grab my coat!!!"

1 week later
#299 4 years ago

do you speak Aussie?

yank aussie (resized).jpgyank aussie (resized).jpg
#300 4 years ago

I went to a buddies house to play pinball.
What's this shit on the floor? I ask.
He replies oh that's Kaneda passed out.
Wife says, good thing you didn't step in it!

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