What do you call a Mexican midget?
Because he's not a full essay.
What do you call a Mexican midget?
Because he's not a full essay.
I fukd her low
I fukd her high
I fukd her wet
I fukd her dry
But when she's dead and long forgotten
I'll dig her up and fuk her rotten
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. But when a 50 yo married couple smiles everyone wonders why..!!!
I just deleted all the German names off my phone. ... It’s Hans free.
Let me tell you a little about myself. It’s a reflexive pronoun that means ‘me.
Employer: We need someone for this job, who is responsible.
Applicant: Sir, your search ends here, in my previous job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I am responsible.
Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven.
God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first cop says: "I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force."
The second police officer says: "I would like to hear that I was a terrific cop who died in the line of duty." The last cop replies: "I would like to hear them say ... Look, he's Moving!"
Son: "Dad what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmm... You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential.
You should be ashamed, the father told his son, Andy. When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he used to walk ten miles every day to get to school. Really? Andy responded. Well, when he was your age, he was the president.
What do you call a woman in heaven?
John: An angel!
A crowd of women in heaven?
John: A host of angels!
All the women in heaven?
John: PEACE ON EARTH!
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Whats the difference between a joke and three stiff c#@$s? Your mom cant take a joke.
"If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?" Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money.
Two cannibals were eating a clown, one cannibal says to the other, does this taste funny to you?
Two Italian men riding on the bus:
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two paychecks come together. I come once-a-more. Two paychecks, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
LTG : )
Two guys make their way down the street. The first one walks into a bar, but the second one ducks.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, "What's with the paper towel?"
The pirate says, "Arrr, I've got a bounty on me head."
A QA engineer walks into a bar, and orders a beer.
Then he orders 0 beers.
Then he orders 999999999999 beers.
Then he orders a lizard.
Then he orders -1 beers.
Then he orders asnwikfjsdf.
Then he orders a ; DROP TABLE tabs ;
The bartender pours one beer turns into a giraffe and disappears.
I went into a toy store to do some early Christmas shopping and asked the assistant, "Where are the Schwarzenegger action figures?"
The assistant said, "Aisle B, back."
What is red and smells like blue paint?
Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
The don’t meet the koalafications.
A bear walks into a restaurant and say’s “I want a grilllllled………………………………………cheese.” The waiter says “Whats with the pause?”
The bear replies “Whaddya mean, I’M A BEAR.”
Why dont blind people skydive?
Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, “Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel on your pants.”
The pirate says, “Arrrr, I know. It’s driving me nuts.”
Two gold fish are in a tank.
One looks at the other and says, “You know how to drive this thing?!”
I bought the worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
How Long is a Chinese man’s name.
No, it actually is.
How does NASA organize a party?
It’s To Whom.
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Same middle name.
My grandfather died peacefully, in his sleep…
…not screaming like the passengers in his car.
Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog?
He wanted to get a long little doggie.
If you want to find out who loves you more, stick your wife and dog in the trunk of your car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is happy to see you?
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.
A sandwich walks into the bar and the bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve food here".
2 parrots sitting on a perch.
One says to the other "smells a bit fishy around here".
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmurs their approval. The man stands up on the bar, drops his trousers, and places his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closes his mouth as the crowd gasps. After a minute, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top its head. The gator opens his mouth, and the man removes his genitals, unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and he receives the first of his free drinks.
The man stands up again and makes another offer: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
A hush falls over the crowd. A moment later, a hand goes up in the back of the bar.
"I'll try," says a small woman, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
A guy walks into a bar and announces that he can close his eyes and name what kind of alcohol he is drinking and how old it is, just by taste and smell.
A drunken guy at the bar says, "I bet I can give you a drink that you can't name."
"You're on," replies the guy, "as long as you pay."
So the drunken guy puts a drink on the table. The guy sips it, gags and spits it out. "This tastes like piss!"
"Yeah," says the drunken guy, "now guess how old I am
A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"
"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."
"What are the three tests?" asks the man
"Gotta pay first."
So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.
"OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."
"Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!"
The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.
"Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.
He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence.
Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.
"NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?"
A good looking woman walks into a bar wearing a tube top. She raises her hand to signal the bartender for a beer, revealing that she does not shave her armpits.
Meanwhile, a sloppy drunk on the other side of the bar signals the bartender, "Buy that ballerina over there a drink on me."
The bartender replies, "What makes you think she's a ballerina?"
"Because," answers the drunken man, "any chick that can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina."
A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him he owes $8.
"But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says the customer.
"OK," says the bartender, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."
The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep replies, "OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."
The customer goes outside and tells a friend how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs.
The bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the -- "
The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
A guy walks into a bar and orders six shooters. The bartender says, "Looks like you are having a bad day."
The guy says, "Am I ever! I woke up late for work. On my way to work, I got in an accident. When I got to work, I was four hours late, so the boss fired me. To top it off, I came home to my wife screwing my best friend."
The bartender says, "What did you say to your wife?"
The guy says, "I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again."
The bartender says, "What did you say to your best friend?"
The guy says, "BAD DOG!"
A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing-eye dog. He stands in the center of the bar, takes the dog by the chain, and starts swinging him above his head.
Everyone stops and stares. Upset about the way the animal is being treated, a patron runs up to the blind man and demands, "What the hell are you doing?"
The blind man turns toward the patron and says, "Oh, nothing, just looking around."
A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.
The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says.
The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute."
The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money."
The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda -- look it up." She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary.
The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary. It says, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves."
Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."
The second one says, "I'll have one, too."
The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."
The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"
I walked into the butchers the other day and they offered a special on
8 legs of Venison for $20.00!
Is this two deer?
What's the difference between Beer Nuts and deer nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1.25... and deer nuts are under a buck.
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
Q: Why did the boy eat his homework?
A: Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake.
Q: What do you find at the end of everything?
A: The letter "g."
Q: What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu?
A: One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.
Q: How can Santa deliver presents during a thunderstorm?
A: His sleigh is flown by raindeer
Q. A girl fell off of a 30-foot ladder, but she didn't get hurt at all. How is this possible?
A. She fell off the bottom step!
Q. What has one head, one foot, and four legs?
A. A bed.
Q: I am the beginning of the end, and the end of time and space. I am essential to creation, and I surround every place. Who am I?
A: The letter E
Q: Poor people have it. Rich people need it. If you eat it, you'll die. What is it?
- If we're going to fight the war on terror...a good place to start would be the nations haunted houses.
- Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It's almost never for them.
- I'm not really on top trends....when everyone was burning CD's, I was still burning books.
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