How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her like choir boy.
(Topic ID: 175061)
Decatur, IL
What is the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?
I've never paid $200 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
Quoted from pickleric:What is the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?
I've never paid $200 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
Let's not bring politics into this...
Quoted from pickleric:What is the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?
I've never paid $200 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
Nice. Now I don't feel so bad posting my joke.
a bear was taking a shit in the woods when a white rabbit hopped over by him, the bear looked down and asked the rabbit "hey do have a problem with the shit sticking to your fur" the rabbit replied " why no I don't" so the bear reached down and picked the rabbit up and wiped his ass with him.
Quoted from henhel:a bear was taking a shit in the woods when a white rabbit hopped over by him, the bear looked down and asked the rabbit "hey do have a problem with the shit sticking to your fur" the rabbit replied " why no I don't" so the bear reached down and picked the rabbit up and wiped his ass with him.
Since shit doesn't stick to the rabbit wiping with one does no good. USE A MONKEY
Got a really stupid joke that I remember from the Elvira show when I was a kid...
Q why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A it was dead
I might as well squeeze this in..
What did the green grape do to the purple grape?
"CPR"
Okay anyways:
Lone Ranger and Tonto got caught on Indian territory and the Chief did not like this.
He said to the Lone Ranger, this is bad, very bad. In three days you die. Do you have
any request? Lone Ranger said yes. Whispers in Tonto's ear. Tonto jumps on his horse and hauls.
In the early evening, Tonto comes back with a nice looking brunette. The Lone Ranger and her goes in
a Tepee. The next morning the Chief said, that is good. Very good. But makes no difference, in two days
you die. You have any other request? He whispers in Tonto's ear. Tonto jumps on his horse, and books.
That evening Tonto comes back with a beautiful blond. The blond and Lone Ranger goes in a Tepee, comes
out the next morning and the Chief said, I'm impressed. Very Impressed. But doesn't matter. Tomorrow you
die. Do you have one last request? Yes, but this time I want to talk to Tonto alone. He brings Tonto to the
side, shakes him by the shoulders, and yells "I Said Bring Back Possi!!!
Couple of buddies are walking down the street when they pass by a dog who is licking his balls. The one guy says "man I wish I could do that"...to which the other replies "well you would probably have to pet him first"
**WARNING: contains political and sexual content**
.Here's one I wrote for Bill Maher a week or two ago:
The GOP (or any group you want to roast) talks so much s#!t, when they give you a BJ it qualifies as anal sex.
Quoted from Tuna_Delight:Bill Maher's show is great!
That's the funniest joke I've heard all day :p
Regina, SK
Quoted from cody_chunn:**WARNING: contains political and sexual content**
.Here's one I wrote for Bill Maher a week or two ago:
The GOP (or any group you want to roast) talks so much s#!t, when they give you a BJ it qualifies as anal sex.
You write for Bill Maher?!
Quoted from Dr_Smith:That's the funniest joke I've heard all day :p
Great intelligently written humor! Particularly LOVE how he so artfully and consistently rips a certain overly deserving asshole.
Quoted from Dee-Bow:You write for Bill Maher?!
No, I don't. When I said I wrote it "for him", I meant that I wrote it, then sent it to one of his 'net outlets. He probably never saw it.
Did you hear the one about the joke thread veering off topic? A It wasn’t very funny.
——-
My deaf-mute postman has such a tough job. He starts work at 3am. In summer he gets attacked by dogs and in winter he has to brave through sub-zero temperatures. But in spite of all this....I’ve never heard him complain.
Okay. I don't remember a lot of jokes, so I have to share a few I know:
The seven dwarfs walk up to a convent. Dopey knocks on the door. A nun answers and Dopey asks, "Sister, are there any nuns in this convent my size?" The nun replies, "No, Dopey, there aren't." The other six dwarfs giggle. "Okay, sister, are there any nuns in the city my size?" asks Dopey. "No, Dopey, I don't know of any" says the nun. The dwarfs giggle. "Well, sister, tell me, are there any nuns in the whole world my size?" Dopey asks. The nun replies, "No. Dopey, I'm afraid there aren't." The other dwarfs start giggling, "Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Dopey f!@*ed a penguin!"
*****************************************************************************************
What's the difference between an asshole and a refrigerator?
The refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
*****************************************************************************************
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on him.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way. Unique up on him.
******************************************************************************************
Little Johnny walks in on his parents having sex. Johnny asks, "Dad, whatcha doin'?"
"I'm playing poker, son."
"What's mom doing?"
"Well, she's my wild card."
Johnny thinks about it for a moment then leaves.
The next week Johnny walks in on his grandparents and asks, "Grandpa, whatcha doin'?"
"I'm playing poker."
"What's grandma doing?"
"She's my wild card."
Johnny thinks about it for a moment then leaves.
Later that week, his dad walks in on Johnny flogging his log in the bathroom.
Dad asks, "Son, what are you doing?"
"I'm playing poker, dad."
"Where's your wild card?"
"You don't need one when you've got a good hand."
How many Psychiatrist does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the bulb must be willing to change.
My apologies if this is a duplicate
Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."
———-
Q: Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
A: Because he was always spotted.
—-
Q: What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
A: You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish.
———-
The energizer bunny was arrested on a charge of battery.
————-
An elephant and a camel are talking. The elephant asks, "Why do you have boobs on your back?" The camel replies, "Ha! That's a funny question coming from an animal with a penis hanging from his face."
A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."
——-
Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.
———
Q: How do you count cows?
A: With a cowculator.
———
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
——
A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.
——
"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.
———
Three ladies were on a bus stop bench. One of the ladies looks at the other and asks her if she is Native American, She says, "Yes, I'm Arapaho." "Is that so?" says the first, "It just happens that I'm a Navajo." The third lady looks at both of them and says, "I'm a Dallas hoe."
——-
On the first day of school, the teacher asked a student, "What are your parents' names?" The student replied, "My father's name is Laughing and my mother's name is Smiling." The teacher said, "Are you kidding?" The student said, "No, Kidding is my brother. I am Joking."
——-
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.
A little girl and her older brother were visiting their grandfather's farm. The older brother decided to play a trick on his younger sister. He told her that he discovered a man-eating chicken. The girl was frightened, and ran inside in fear. Then the older brother heard his little sister scream. He ran inside immediately. She was screaming at their grandfather, who was chowing down on a plate of fried chicken. "What is it?" he asked. The sister turned to him in fear and said," It- it's- IT'S A MAN EATING CHICKEN!!!"
——-
Q: Why can't orphans play baseball?
A: Because they don't know where home is.
———
One night a lady came home from her weekly prayer meeting, found she was being robbed, and she shouted out, "Acts 2:38: 'Repent & be baptized & your sins will be forgiven.'" The robber quickly gave up & the lady rang the police. While handcuffing the criminal, a policeman said, "Gee mate, you gave up pretty easily. How come you gave up so quickly?" The robber said, "She said she had an axe and two 38's!"
——-
A teacher asked, "Johnny, can you tell me the name of three great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?" Little Johnny responded, "Drin-king, smo-king, and f*c-king."
———-
Q: What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
A: Decalfeinated.
——-
Q: How do fish get high?
A: Seaweed.
————-
Q: What do you call a Mexican that lost his car?
A: Carlos.
———
Q: What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
A: "Odor in the court!"
Heard at TPF last year from a good ole southern boy:
"She's so good looking I'd f*ck her on my wife's lawyer's table!"
Now that IS good looking
Quoted from flipper_fever76:What makes 9 out of 10 people happy....
>
>
>
>
>
gang rape...
i'll let myself out...
Nice. What's next - a lynching joke? Torture? Child abuse?
You might not want to go read the other pages....... 
Quoted from Tuna_Delight:Nice. What's next - a lynching joke? Torture? Child abuse?
A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.
The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”
She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their p.... through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.”
The cop asks, “So what did you do about it?”
The old lady says, “I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his p.... through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!”
“That seems fair enough,” the cop says, “so what’s in the other sack?”
The old lady replies with, “Not everyone pays…”
********
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.
********
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? – A stick.
********
The inmates are yelling 12…12…12… in the courtyard. A man walking by is interested why the keep chanting 12…12…12… so he sticks his head through the fence and the inmate poked the man in the eye. Moments later they start chanting 13…13…13…
******
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
LTG : )
What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a tricycle?
.
.
Attire!
A young man named Jimmy received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. Jimmy tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, Jimmy was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. Jimmy shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. Jimmy , in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, Jimmy quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmys outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
Jimmy was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
Quoted from mcbPalisade:From the Steamboat Springs paper
Me and the wife got married there in march 2017, mid mountain. Love me some steamboat and snowboarding!
What were the snowboarder’s last words?
“DUDE, WATCH THIS!!”
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Coffs Harbour, NS
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