What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?

They both like a tight seal.

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No, what?" The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him." "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must of shot the bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

——-

A blonde calls her mom... Blonde: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!" Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?" Blonde: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."

——
Tyrone' s 1st day in the first grade he comes home crying. When his mother ask why he replays. "The teacher told us to say our abc' s and all the little white boys could say them and I could only get to e why is that." Mom says "cause u black and they white." Next day Tyrone is crying again . "What's wrong today Tyrone" his mother ask. Tyrone said "teacher told us to count to 100 and all the little white boys did but I could only get to 10 why is that." Mom says "cause u black and they white." Next day he comes home smiling. "What happened today Tyrone?" Tyrone says mama "we went to the bathroom and my thing was biggest of all . Is that cause I'm black and they white." Mama says "no Tyrone it's cause u 17 and they 6."

Dudley do right was talking to his friend. Oh man I was walking down the train tracks and a beautiful woman was tied to the tracks. Being the gentleman I am I untied her and took her back to my place. We really hit it off and soon we were making love all over the house. In the kitchen, the living room, the bedroom and even in the garage. The friend said "wow, you really hit the jackpot. What does she look like". He responds "don't know never found the head".

Sorry but I'll be here all week.

Got this in e mail today
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this."
He told Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the
agent's arm. The agent said, "Good boy", and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" said his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.

The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb."

LTG : )

Horse walks into a bar.
Bartender says, "Why the long face?"

Dog limps into a bar.
Dog looks at the bartender and says "Who shot my paw?"

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall ?

Dam

What do you call a fish with no eyes ?

Fsh

LTG : )

Why don't dinosaurs talk?

Because they're dead.

How do you make anti-freeze ?

Take away her blanket.

LTG : )

My wife and I were having some sexual issues in the bedroom. She suggested I get a penis enlarger.

I thought... that's good idea, so I did.

She's 26, and her name is Katie

Aye yi yi

Q: What black, white and red, goes up and down, but can't turn around.

A: A nun in an elevator with a javelin through her head.

Write the following down on a piece of paper and give it to someone to read out loud:

EYE HAM WE TALL DID

EYE HAM SOFA KING WE TALL DID

What's the hardest part involved with microwaving babies?

>

>

>

MY ERECTION

When you look up in the sky and see geese flying south for the winter, why is one side of the v formation they fly in always longer than the other?...........
.........
.......
...............
.................
............

Cuz there's more geese on that side.

A man got into an elevator, and inside was an absolutely gorgeous woman. He could not stop staring at her. After the elevator started moving, she started to get annoyed with him gawking at her. She decided to put him on the spot to see what he would do. She pushed the emergency stop button, and said, "We are all alone. Do you think you can make me feel like a woman in here?" He replied, "You bet I can!" he then proceeded to take off his pants and throw them down on the floor as he said, "Honey, can you iron these? I am in a rush."

A woman goes to a nursing home to visit her grandmother. She gets to the room and the grandmother says “Come in, sweetie”.

They sit and chat, and the woman spots a bowl of peanuts on the table. She takes one, then another, then another.

“Grandmother”, she says, “These peanuts are so delicious”.

“I know dear”, replies grandma. “You should have tasted them before I sucked all the chocolate off”!

What do playing pinball and sex have in common ?

You don't want to drain your balls too fast .

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One looks up from his meal and asks the other, "does this taste funny to you?"

What do you call an Amish man with his hand up the backside of a horse?.....

........a mechanic!

Why do cows have bells?.......

....cause their horns don’t work!

Two cannibals just got their hands on a corpse. One says to the other, "I'll start at the head, you start at the feet."

They start to eat, and after awhile the one at the head yells to the other one, "Hey, how's it going?"

The other replies, "I'm having a ball!"

Getting mad, the one at the head yells, "Dammit, slow down, you're eating too fast!"

A company's salesperson was taking one of his clients from a rural area out for lunch.

Just after ordering a man at the next table started choking on a bite of his steak. The salesman's client yanked down the choking man's pants and underdrawers and swiftly licks the man's ass crack. The piece of steak flies out of the man's throat and he starts breathing again.

Client sits back down, nudges the salesperson with his elbow and says "That Hind-Lick Maneuver. . . works every time!"

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."

Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't f**k with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

Q: What's the difference between a dead hooker and the Mona Lisa?

A: I Don't have the Mona Lisa hanging from a hook in my basement.

What's good about your hooker dying on you?

2nd hour is free.

I said sorry.

Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't many ducks out there, I'm not going hunting."

So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, "Well I'm not going, He only saw two ducks out there."

Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!"

Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him too."

So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg.

Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.

"Earl, dogs can’t talk, he was trying to tell you there are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at"

What is the sharpest thing in the world?

A fart because it can pass thru your clothes without leaving a mark (usually ).

Yngwie!

Travish, do you ask your old lady to "play dead" in the sack? You sick bastard!

How do you know you have a high sperm count?

She has to chew before she swallows

OMG. That's so funny. Her ex husband owns a funeral home with the brothers.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idear..

What did they call homosexual dinosaurs?

A Megasaurass..

Eww.gif

A man walked up to the counter at the train station and said “I’ll take two Pickets to Tittsburgh please”.

The attractive woman behind the counter reply’s “that’s a Freudian slip”.

Embarrassed, the man asks “What’s that?”

The woman explained “ a Freudian slip is an unintentional error revealing subconscious feelings”.

The man responds “oh that happened to me the other night as well. I wanted to ask my wife to pass the salt but instead I said...YOU ruined my f***cking life!”

What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

Same time next month?

That's crazy! This just keeps getting weirder.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
STILL no idear.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no balls?

Still NO F#$CKING idear.

Two nuns leave the abbey on their bicycles to spend the day in town. A road closure forces them to take a different route home.

"I've never come this way before," the first nun says.

The other says, "It's the cobblestones."

——————-

The white house press secretary walks into the oval office and says "Mr. President, eight Brazilian soldiers were killed in Afghanistan today!"

The President is real quiet.

"Mr. President, did you hear me?"

"How many is a Brazilian?" the president asks.

————-

A magician walks down the street and turns into a grocery store

—————

Did you hear about the 120-pound guy with the 30-pound testicles? People say he was half-nuts!

———-

Someone called out during one of Kruschev's speeches after Stalin had died, "Where were you [when Stalin was doing all the nasty stuff]?" Kruschev demanded, "Who said that?!" and after there was silence he said, "That's where I was."

———-

Q: What is the difference between the Constitutions of the USA and USSR? Both of them guarantee freedom of speech. A: Yes, but the Constitution of the USA also guarantees freedom after the speech.

A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.
When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"

———-

Q: Why are constipated people so rude?
A: They don't give a crap.

My wifes is good using that chart.

Nippy The Shitfaced Welfare Mom.

A cop pulls over two priests in a car.
The cop looks in and says, "Sorry, looking for two child molesters."
The priests look at each other......"Ok, we'll do it!"

What's the best part of fingering a gypsy while she's on her period?

You get your palm red for free.