(Topic ID: 175061)

What's Your Best Joke, Pinball-Related or Otherwise?


By Dooskie

2 years ago



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There are 401 posts in this topic. You are on page 3 of 9.
#101 2 years ago

A weatherman, an engineer, and a statistician take a deer hunting trip with a single, high-powered, bolt-action rifle.

At sunrise, they see a large buck appear 300 yards away, grazing slowly at the edge of a clearing. The weatherman looks up at the sky, licks his finger, holds it in the air, and then peers through the scope and takes his best shot. Unfortunately, he misses 15 feet to the left. The buck's ears twitch a bit, but he continues grazing, so the weatherman hands the rifle to the engineer.

The engineer holds up a rangefinder, pulls out a calculator, adjusts the scope, and then takes his best shot. Unfortunately, he overcompensates with his adjustments and misses 15 feet to the right!

The statistician immediately jumps up and yells, "We got him!!!"

12
#102 2 years ago

A burglar is in the process of stealing from an apartment in the middle of the night when he hears "Jesus is watching you..." He shines his flashlight around and notices a parrot in a cage that once again says "Jesus is watching you." The burglar walks over to the parrot and whispers to him "What's your name?" The parrot whispers "Moses." "What kind of people name a parrot Moses?" the burglar whispers to the parrot. The parrot whispers back "The same kind of people that named their Doberman Pincher Jesus..."

1 month later
#103 2 years ago

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

#104 2 years ago

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

#105 2 years ago

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

#106 2 years ago

I ran into a guy that told me the same joke 3 times today.. He was trying to get into a server room, I told him to check upstairs, as I was heading out. People pointed him to me, so he left me a note with that same joke, and a number to call (not knowing it was me). I called, and talked to him, letting him know that I had spoke to him in the garage, and let him know who to contact for what he needed, so he told me the joke again. Nice guy, just really wanted to make me laugh.

What has 4 legs and 1 arm?

a pitbull.

#107 2 years ago

My favorite Ron White joke:

A guy goes up for his first parachute jump. When the plane gets to the right height, the instructor says, "OK, time to go." The guy got cold feet and said there's no way he can jump out of that plane. The instructor said, "I'm a black belt in Karate and I'm gay. If you don't jump out of this plane right now, I'm going to have my way with you." His friend says, "so did you jump?" He said "yeah a little...at first..."

#108 2 years ago

Why do women have boobs?

So guys will talk to them

1 year later
#109 1 year ago

I found a MMr with a broken volume control for $2000! I couldn’t turn it down!

#110 1 year ago

A teacher poses the following question to her third grade class: "What part of your body do you think reaches heaven first when you die?".

After various responses from the children such as "Your brain because you think about heaven when you die." and "Your heart because you love God with it.", little Johnny raises his hand and excitedly exclaims: "I think your feet go to heaven first when you die!"

"Your feet?! Why so Johnny?" asked the teacher.

"Well, when I looked in my parents' bedroom the other night, my mom had her feet in the air and she was shouting: 'JESUS, I"M COMING!' "

#111 1 year ago

Me and Mr.68 were walking through a haunted cemetery one evening. About half way through Mr.68 remarked it sure was scary in there.

I said "tell me about it, I'll be going out of here alone".

LTG : )

#112 1 year ago

Polar bear walks into a bar. Walks up to the bartender and says:

“Hey, I’ll have a gin .....................................and tonic.”

Bartender: “Sure thing, but what’s with the big pause?”

Polar Bear: “I don’t know, I’ve just always had them.”

#113 1 year ago

Before going to work every morning for two weeks straight, changing the TP roll to an empty one for my wife to come in to. I get up for work 3 to 4 hours earlier than her. Lucky we have good humour relationship or I would have been a dead man when she figured it out.

#114 1 year ago

Two guys and a dog sitting on a porch , dog starts licking his balls, guy says don't you wish you could do that, other guy says why don't you ask him maybe he'll let you .

#115 1 year ago

Central PA humor...…

What is every Amish woman's fantasy?

Two Mennonite.

#116 1 year ago

A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No", says the Canadian "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi, I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

LTG : )

#117 1 year ago
Quoted from LTG:

"It's okay boys. He's one of us."

I like that one..

A Guy walks into a bar and said, Bartender, anything but a Heineken.
Bartender gives him a beer, he drinks it, and again, hey Bartender, anything
but a Heineken..
After a couple more orders of anything but a Heineken, the Bartender said,
hey Mister, I don't want to pry into your business, but what is it you have against Heineken?
Well, the last time I had Heineken, I drank 24 of them, went home, and blew
chunks for 20 minutes.
Bartender: If you drink 24 of anything, you're bound to blow chunks.
No Bartender, you don't understand. Chunks is my dog..

#118 1 year ago

2x post

#119 1 year ago

There is this girl and she really likes boxing. She wants to do something to her body to show everyone how much she likes boxing. She thinks maybe a tattoo is the answer, so she goes down to the local tattoo parlor. Once inside the tattoo parlor, she starts having second thoughts. She looks at the tattoo artist and isn't sure his capabilities are good enough. The very reassuring tattoo artist tells her, "Look, let me put the tattoos on you and you can go home and show your friends and family. If they recognize the tattoos, you come back and pay me. If they don't recognize the tattoos, then they are on the house." Feeling more comfortable, she decides to have Mike Tyson put on her left thigh and George Foreman put on her right thigh.

After the tattoos are on, she goes home and shows her little sister. She lifts up her skirt and says, "Do you know who these are?" Her little sister says, "Sure, those are the boxers you like...Mike Tyson and George Foreman." Feeling relieved, she decides she will go back to the tattoo parlor the next morning and pay the tattoo artist.

Later that night, she is having more second thoughts about the quality of the tattoos. She goes over to her boyfriends house and says, "Can I show you something?" He says, "Sure." She lifts up her skirt and says, "Do you know who these are?" He says, "Sure, it's Mike Tyson and George Foreman." Feeling more confident about the quality of the tattoos, she decides she will return to the tattoo parlor in the morning and pay the tattoo artist.

In the morning, she gets dressed and heads down to the tattoo parlor. On the way there, she is thinking that her sister and boyfriend have known for a long time that she likes boxing, so to really judge the quality of the tattoos, she decides she should ask a perfect stranger. Around the corner from the tattoo parlor is an alley. Inside the alley is a bum. She walks up to the bum and says, "Excuse me sir, can I show you something?" He replies, "Yeah, yeah, what do you want to show me?" She lifts up her skirt and says, "Do you know who these are?" He replies, "I don't know about the two on the end, but the one in the middle looks like Don King!"

#120 1 year ago
Quoted from Electrocute:

Def Lepard's music got a lot worse after their drummer lost an arm. Would be awful if I lost one of mine since I could never play pinball again.

met one-armed pinball player todd brammer at GSPF this year when he was trying out ACNC. the device he was using to activate the opposite flipper appeared to be different than the one designed by ben heck, which is pictured in the following article.

https://folks.pillpack.com/pinball-wizard/

The gizmo, built by console hacker and geek-maker-of-all-trades Ben Heck, is as simple as it is perfect. Two panels fit over each set of flippers, attached to the glass on top of the pinball machine with two large suction cups. A wire crosses the front, connecting the current from the right flipper to the left, and allowing Todd to play both flippers with the fingers of one hand. It works well. Brammer has only made one modification: he has altered Heck’s original design to add larger suction cups, because Todd likes to play rough.

Todd’s gizmo has made it easier for him than ever to play pinball at his favorite joints.. “It doesn’t fit on older games, like certain machines made before the mid-70s,” Brammer says. “But I can put it on 80 percent of games out there..."

#121 1 year ago

I picked up a hitchhiker and he said, "Thanks for the ride! How did you know I wasn't some psycho-murderer?"

Then I said, "HA! The odds of two of us being in the same car would be astronomical!"

#122 1 year ago

Husband: "Honey, someone stole my pinball game I got back in 1995!"

Wife: "Who?Dunnit"?

Husband: "I DON'T KNOW!!!"

#123 1 year ago

It's the young salesman's first day on the job and the seasoned vet is training him. "We always try to upsell and get the customer to buy something more."

A guy comes up with a bag of grass seed, and the vet salesman says "Hey do you want a lawnmower with that? Once you get this grass goin' you're gonna want it looking its best."

The customer goes "yeah that's a great idea" and walks out with a lawnmower too.

"See how it's done?" says the vet, "Go ahead, you try."

The next guy comes up with a box of tampons, and the new salesman says "Hey do you want a lawnmower with that?"

The customer looks confused and hands over his money and quickly walks out.

The vet salesman goes "what the hell was that?"

The kid salesman replies "well he wasn't doing anything else tonight, so he might as well mow his lawn."

#124 1 year ago

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?......GAG!

I don't do cocaine but I love the way it smells.

#125 1 year ago
Quoted from JimFNB:

"well he wasn't doing anything else tonight"

Not necessarily......

#126 1 year ago

An Indian boy asked his father, "Father, I have a question. When we are born, how do you choose our names?"

The father replies, "It's simple son. After your mother gives birth, we look out of our teepee and the first thing we see is what we name you. For instance, when your sister was born, we looked out of our teepee and saw a Flying Eagle, so we named her Flying Eagle. When your brother was born, we looked out of our teepee and saw a Wild Horse, so we named him Wild Horse. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Screwing?"

#127 1 year ago

My old man is a joke a minute guy while me not so much but I have one.

What's the different between a pussy and a cunt? A pussy is soft, wet and juicy. A cunt is the woman who owns it

#128 1 year ago

A duck walks into a bar, sits down and asks the bartender “Do you have any grapes?”

The bartender says, “Sorry buddy, we have pretzels and peanuts, but we don’t have grapes here.”

The duck leaves, comes back the next day, sits down and asks the bartender “Do you have any grapes?”

The bartender, getting annoyed, says “I told you yesterday, we don’t have any grapes here”

The duck leaves, comes back the next day, sits down and asks the bartender “Do you have any grapes?”

The bartender loses his temper, and says “I’m telling you for the last time, we don’t have any grapes. If you ever ask me again, I’m gonna nail your feet to the floor”

The duck leaves, comes back the next day, sits down, and asks the bartender “Do you have any nails?”

The bartender, puzzled at the request, says to the duck,” Sorry, this is a bar, not a hardware store, we don’t have any nails here”

The duck says, “Ok, do you have any grapes?”

#129 1 year ago
Quoted from dirkdiggler:

My old man is a joke a minute guy while me not so much but I have one.
What's the different between a pussy and a cunt? A pussy is soft, wet and juicy. A cunt is the woman who owns it

Ha. Very classy.

#130 1 year ago

A guy is teasing his wife and she says "If your not nice, when I die I'll come up and haunt you"

He mumbles under his breath "I'll bury your casket upside down. Dig all you want"

4 months later
#131 1 year ago

Time to get this party restarted ...

As a train is speeding along through the countryside, four people sit in one of its compartments: A beautiful, vivacious young woman, an old, matronly woman, a young man and an older, rich man. Suddenly, the train goes through a tunnel. It is completely dark. A loud kiss and an equally powerful slap are heard. When the train exits the tunnel, the rich man is holding the side of his face in agony, while the poor man is grinning uncontrollably.

The old matronly woman thinks: "Now that's a fine young woman, the young man tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one – and rightly so!"

The young woman thinks: "Now that's a strange rich man - he'd rather kiss that old hag than me."

The rich man thinks: "Now that's a smart young man, he steals a kiss and I’m the one who gets slapped."

The young man is thinking: "Good, soon we'll be entering another tunnel, I'll kiss the back of my hand again and slap that millionaire silly!”

#132 1 year ago

Tony was very excited. He had just landed his first professional sales role.

On his first day at the company, the sales manager took him up on to the roof of the building and said, “I am going to give you your very first lesson in sales. Stand on the edge of the roof.”

Reluctantly, the new salesman moved closer and closer to the edge of the roof.

“Now,” said the sales manager, “when I say, ‘jump!’ I want you to jump off the roof.”

“But, sir,” protested the green sales recruit, “there’s a huge drop!”

“Do you want to succeed in sales?” said the sales manager.”

“YES,” Tony said

“And you trust me, don’t you?” asked the manager.

“Yes, I guess,” said Tony.

“So do as I say and jump,” the manager replied.

Tony jumped. He crashed to the ground and lay there, winded and bruised. His sales manager went racing down the stairs towards him.

“That was your first lesson in sales, Tony. Never trust anyone in business!”

#133 1 year ago

Q: Why don’t pirates shower before they walk the plank? A: Because they’ll just wash up on shore later.
Q: Why is pirating so addictive? A: They say once ye lose yer first hand, ye get hooked!
Q: How do pirates prefer to communicate? A: Aye to aye!
Q: What has 8 legs, 8 arms and 8 eyes? A: 8 pirates.

#134 1 year ago

What do you call an alligator detective? An investi-gator.

What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop

Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over a bay, they would be bagels.

What do you call fake spaghetti? An im-pasta.

Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fungi

Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? If it had four doors it would be called a chicken sedan.

#135 1 year ago

Any original jokes out there? Here's mine:

An Oyster and two Quahogs go into a bar. The Oyster says "A round of ale for me and the boys".
The bartender says "That'll be 2 clams".
The Oyster says "Let's go boys, I hate drinking alone".

do-do-tschh.

#136 1 year ago

What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?

Goesintight

#137 1 year ago

Q Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? A He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

Q Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. A “Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”

Q Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?” A Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.

Q Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? A There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

Q Why did the chicken go to the séance? A To get to the other side.

Q Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? A They always take things literally.

Q How do you keep a bagel from getting away? A Put lox on it.

Q A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!” A The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …”

Q What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack? A The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

Q What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? A Thanks— I’ll never part with it!

Q How do you make a tissue dance? A Put a little boogie in it.

Q Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? A Because the “P” is silent.

11
#138 1 year ago

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

LTG : )

#139 1 year ago

A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.

“Magic beer,” he says.

“Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?”

Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.

“Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof – and plummets 15 storeys to the ground.

The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”

------------------

Mother: "How was school today, Patrick?"

Patrick: "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!"

Mother: "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"

Patrick: "What school?"

-----------------------

Doctor: “Do you do sports?”

Patient: “Does sex count?”

Doctor: “Yes.”

Patient: “Then no.”

--------------------------

In Spain, there is a tradition after a bullfight to serve the mayor the bull’s testicles.
-
One day after a bullfight, the mayor asks the waiter: “Funny, why are they so small today?”
-
The waiter: “Today, sir, the bull won.”

----------------------

What goes up and down but never moves?
-
The stairs!

----------------------

Doctor says to his patient: "You have cancer and Alzheimer."
-
Patient: "At least I don't have cancer."

----------------------

Two guys are out hunting in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t appear to be breathing, his eyes are glazed over. The other man pulls out his phone with trembling fingers and calls 911. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says "Please stay calm. I will help you. First of all, let's make sure he's dead."

There’s a silence, then a gun shot. The guy gets back on the phone and says "OK, now what?"

-------------------------

Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.

The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?”

Son: “Yeah.”

Detector: “Beep.“

Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.”

Detector: “Beep.”

Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.”

Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“

Detector: “Beep.”

Mother laughs: “Ha ha ha, well, he really is your son!”

Detector: “Beep.”

---------------------------------------

Why don‘t cannibals eat divorced women?

Because they’re bitter.

-----------------------

Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from under the blanket!

Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for the baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket until the screaming stops.

Still in shock, she lurches to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Oh welcome home darling," he says, "my parents came for a visit, so I let them have our bedroom. I hope you said hello."

#140 1 year ago

This one goes back to when I was a kid in Catholic school:

Q: What kind of meat do priests eat on Fridays during Lent.

A: None.

#141 1 year ago

BARBARA WALTERS INTERVIEW -------------------------

One day Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on American Indians. After touring through a reservation she noticed a difference in the feathers in each braves headdress. She was curious and went over to a brave with 1 feather and asked him about this. He replied, "Me have one squaw, so me have one feather."

She went to another brave asking him, thinking the other was joking. He replied "My have 4 feathers, so me sleep with four squaws." She looked at him in a weird look and turned and saw the chief. he had many, many feathers.

Ms. Walters asked, "Why do you have so many feathers?"

The chief replied, "Me chief, fuck 'em all! Big, small, fat, tall! Me fuck 'em all!"

Barbara cried, "You should be hung!"

The chief replied, "You damn right me hung! Big like buffalo, long like snake!"

Ms. Walters said, "You shouldn't be so hostile!"

The chief said, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, ANY style! Me fuck 'em all!"

Barbara cried, "Oh, dear!"

The chief said, "No! No fuck deer! Asshole too high! Fuckers run too fast! NO FUCK DEER!

#142 1 year ago
Quoted from Tuna_Delight:

This one goes back to when I was a kid in Catholic school:
Q: What kind of meat do priests eat on Fridays during Lent.
A: None.

I think the punchline answer is supposed to be "Nun".

#143 1 year ago
Quoted from dsuperbee:

Anxiously awaiting the super low brow jokes that are sure to appear.

I’ll bite. Why don’t people tell racial jokes anymore? Once you have heard Jaun you have heard Jamal.

#144 1 year ago

How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut.

#145 1 year ago
Quoted from zr11990:

I’ll bite. Why don’t people tell racial jokes anymore? Once you have heard Jaun you have heard Jamal.

Why don't they have phonebooks in China? There's too many Wings and too many Wongs. You might wing the wong number.

#146 1 year ago

-What’s a pirates favorite letter?
-“R”...
-You would think it’s the R, but it really be the C

#147 1 year ago

A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It’s a shitzu.
W
——————

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says,” uno, dos ...”. poof! He disappears without a tres.

—————-

What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye matey!

—————

An Englishman, Frenchman, Spaniard and German are watching a street juggler. He realizes they have a poor view so he steps up on a large crate and calls out “can you see me better?”

“yes”
“oui”
“si”
“ja”

———

What do you call a snobbish criminal going downstairs? A condescending con descending.

——-

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three - a left ear, a right ear and a final frontier.

————

I just left my job. I couldn’t work for that man after what he said to me.
What did he say?
You’re fired!

————

Hey Tony, can you spell your name backwards?
Sure ... y not

#148 1 year ago

What's grey and comes in quarts?
Elephants

Why do elephants have 4 feet?
Because 8 inches wouldn't do

How do you kill a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun
How do you kill a grey elephant?
Hold his trunk till he turns blue, then shoot him with the blue elephant gun.

What do elephants do from 4 to 6?
Jump from tree to tree
Why Re pygmies so small?
Because they walk in the forest from 4 to 6

#149 1 year ago

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.
He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9" high and sets him on the counter.
He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.
He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.
This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says, "Here. Rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
"I will grant you one wish... just one wish... each person is only allowed one!"
The bartender gets real excited Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another.
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
"No s@#t!!" says the man, "Do you really think I asked for a 9-inch pianist?!"

LTG : )

#150 1 year ago

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work." The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

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A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221.”

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A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

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A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

——-

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

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