A man walks casually up to the counter at a store. A seductive looking woman comes out from the back room, smiles and asks the the gentleman, how can I help you? The man smiles, unzips his pants and lays out his johnson on the counter. The woman glances carefully on the counter and looks back up at the gentleman and says Sir! I believe you have made a mistake! This is a C-L-O-C-K shop! The gentleman immediately counters with No Ma'am! No mistake! I want you to put two hands and a face on this thing!

Alright Scooby Doo fans:

SHAGGY: What did the vet say you have?
SCOOBY DOO: Rabies.
SHAGGY: Zoinks. I didn’t even know you could get pregnant.

———-

Did you hear about the Scooby Doo villain who became an Olympic swimmer?
He would have won, if it weren't for all those medaling swimmers!

——

Back when I was a Scooby Doo villain I had an allotment....
Every time I went to tend to my vegetables I would find them covered in thin sheets of aluminium.

Those pesky kids were always foiling my plot.

I don't understand why everyone is upset over Bud Light, it's always self-identified as water.....
(I'll show myself out.)

A man pours himself a drink and sits to watch TV.

After 3 or 4 cocktails, he starts yelling at the TV " Don't go in that Church. Don't you do it you Stupid Son of a Bitch!"

His wife comes into the living room and asks "What kind of Horror Movie are you watching?"

"Our Wedding Video" he replies.

A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must be in management."

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

A voice from the back of the room said, "Yeah, right."

——

A masochist asks a sadist, "Please hurt me."

"No," replies the sadist.

"Make me one with everything," says the Buddhist to the tofu hot dog vendor.

Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a $20 bill.

The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer.

The Buddhist looks puzzled and asks the vendor, "Where is my change?"

The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered, "Sure, why not." So the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested.

A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

——

Pessimist: Oh, this can't get any worse!

Optimist: Yes, it can!

How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it, and the other to hold the penis.

LADDER. I MEANT LADDER.

I got arrested today for walking out of an art gallery with a painting.

I'm just so confused because earlier when I asked the security if I could take a picture they said "yes".

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said, "That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas."
———
Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? 
A: Envelope.
———
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.

A woman walks into a cafe holds up 2 fingers and gets 5 coffees.
———-
Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?" 
Man: "Yes!" 
Reporter: "Name?" 
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim." 
Reporter: "Sex?" 
Man: "Three to five times a week." 
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?" 
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel." 
Reporter: "Holy cow!" 
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general." 
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?" 
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style." 
Reporter: "Oh dear!" 
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."
———
Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús."

Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?
A: She can't find the eleven.
———-
A guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked. She stuck her head out and said, "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes..."
———-
An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day. After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Then u can't have a cigar." Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" The old man asks, "Son, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Well, then u can't have a beer." Another 20 minutes passes, and the young boy opens a bag of potato chips. The old man asks, "Son, can I have some of your chips?" The boy asks, "Well, Grandpa, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The old man says, "It sure can." The boy says, "Well good, then go f*ck yourself, these are my chips."

Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? 
A: Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.
———-
A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of an eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."
———-
Yo momma so fat when she registered for MySpace there was no space left.
———-
I named my hard drive "dat ass," so once a month my computer asks if I want to "back dat ass up."

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.
———-
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in stunningly sexy lingerie. "Tie me up," she purred, "And you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.
———-
A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right. At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

I can't figure out the two finger joke ??

Think Roman Numerals.

LTG : )

This one had me thinking too...I believe the joke was intended to read "A Roman walked into a bar..." rather than "A woman...."

Perhaps a victim of autocorrect! Either way, once I got it, I had a chuckle.

Yes, autocorrect destroyed that one.

A Roman woman walks into Caligula’s bedchamber and flashes him a peace sign …
(sorry, I couldn’t think of a good ending).

What did Caligula say when his tiger ate her ?

Gladiator

LTG : )

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to
talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: “Hello”
WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes.”
WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s
only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models.
I saw one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
WOMAN: “$90,000.”
MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… I was just talking to Janie and
found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re
asking $980,000 for it.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably
take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you
really want.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”
MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, “Anyone know who’s phone this is?"

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

Walk him and pitch to the rhino.

What's the worst part of elephant hunting?

Carrying the decoys.

Why don't elephants drink martinis ?

Have you ever tried to get an olive out of your nose ?

LTG : )

Julius Caesar walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a Martinus." The bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, "Don't you mean a Martini?” "Look," Caesar replies, "If I wanted a double, I'd have asked for it!"
——
The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
——-
A bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
——-
A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 shots. Before the bartender even returns with the check, the man has slammed back half of them and shows no signs of slowing down. As the guy finishes his final shot, the bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy wipes his mouth and replies, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had." The bartender asks, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents,” and runs out the door.
——-
A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist. He says to his friend, "That's amazing. Where did he come from?"
The friend pulls out an old lamp and tells him the genie inside will grant him one wish. The man rubs the bottle, and to his amazement, a puff of purple smoke spews out and slowly collects in the form of a genie. In a booming voice the genie tells the man he has but one wish.
The man thinks and says, "I wish I had a million bucks." All of a sudden the bar is filled with ducks, bursting from the door and the windows, standing on top of the bar, dunking their heads into people’s drinks.
“What just happened?!” the guy asks. His friend replies, "I know. Did you really think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?"

Did you hear the one about FOMO not existing anymore ?

Guy walks into a bar and yells, “All lawyers are assholes.”
The man at the end of the bar says” I object to that remark”.
The guy responds: “Why, are you a lawyer?”
“No, I’m an asshole”, says the man.
———
A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls. He turns to the bartender and says,
“Boy, I wish I could do that.”
The Bartender replies, “You’d better try petting him first.”
——-
A woman and a duck walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “Where’d you get the pig.”
The woman says, “That’s not a pig, that’s a duck.”
He says, “I was talking to the duck.”
——-
A non-renewable natural resource walks in to a bar
and orders a tall glass of whiskey.
The bar tender says “sorry friend, I can’t serve you; you’ve been getting wasted all day long!”
——-
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are sitting in a bar in New York reminiscing about home.
“Back in me pub in Glasgow,” brags the Scotsman, “fer every four pints of stout I order, they give me one fer free!”
“In me pub in London,” says the Englishman,”I pay fer two pint’s o’ Guinness and they give me a third one free!”
“That’s nuthin'” says the Irishman, “Im my pub back in Dublin, you walk up to the bar, they give the first pint fer free, the second pint fer free, the third pint fer free — and then they take you upstairs and shag you for FREE!”
“Is that true?” asks the Scotsman. “Has that really happened to you?”
“Well, no,” says the Irishman, “but it happens to me sister all the time!”
——
AN OLD BLIND COWBOY WANDERS INTO AN ALL-GIRL BIKER BAR BY MISTAKE...
HE FINDS HIS WAY TO A BAR STOOL AND ORDERS A SHOT OF JACK DANIELS.
AFTER SITTING THERE FOR A WHILE, HE YELLS TO THE BARTENDER, HEY, YOU WANNA HEAR A BLONDE JOKE?
THE BAR IMMEDIATELY FALLS ABSOLUTELY SILENT.
IN A VERY DEEP, HUSKY VOICE, THE WOMAN NEXT TO HIM SAYS, BEFORE YOU TELL THAT JOKE, COWBOY, I THINK IT IS ONLY FAIR, GIVEN THAT YOU'RE BLIND, THAT YOU SHOULD KNOW FIVE THINGS
1. THE BARTENDER IS A BLONDE GIRL WITH A BASEBALL BAT.

2. THE BOUNCER IS A BLONDE GIRL WITH A BILLY CLUB.
3. I'M A 6-FOOT TALL, 175-POUND BLONDE WOMAN WITH A BLACK BELT IN KARATE.
4. THE WOMAN SITTING NEXT TO ME IS BLONDE AND A PROFESSIONAL WEIGHT LIFTER.
5. THE LADY TO YOUR RIGHT IS BLONDE AND A PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER.

NOW, THINK ABOUT IT SERIOUSLY, COWBOY... DO YOU STILL WANNA TELL THAT BLONDE JOKE?
THE BLIND COWBOY THINKS FOR A SECOND, SHAKES HIS HEAD AND MUTTERS, NO. NOT IF I'M GONNA HAVE TO EXPLAIN IT FIVE TIMES.

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”
Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,” So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.” The father says, “Good son, go ahead and tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”
The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.”
———
Q: What did the turkey say to the hunter?
A: Meow
———

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”
She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife.”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers.

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.

What month is the shortest of the year? May, it only has three letters.

What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato.

My uncle named his dogs Timex and Rolex. They're his watch dogs.

Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch cold.

What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little horse.

What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.

I'm so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!

What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street? Traffic jam.

A termite walks into a bar and says, "So, is the bar tender here?"

What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.

What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.

What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened? Close the door, I'm dressing.

Why don't sharks eat clowns? Because they taste funny.

How do you organize a space party? You planet.

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.

What did one hat say to the other? You wait here, I'll go on ahead.

What do you call a dinosaur that crashes his car? Tyrannosaurus Wrecks.

What did the full glass say to the empty glass? You look drunk.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One’s pretty heavy and the other’s a little lighter.

I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.

A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie was everywhere.

What did the scarf say to the hat? You go on ahead, I’m just going to hang around here.

What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.

What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.

What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin' off.

Why is diarrhea hereditary? It runs in your genes.

What did one butt cheek say to the other? "Together, we can stop this crap."

What do you get when you cross a dick with a potato? A dictator.

How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush.

If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down, would you help your Uncle Jack off?

What's the difference between hungry and horny? Where you stick the cucumber.

What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet? Gum.

What's the difference between a sex worker and a drug dealer? A sex worker could wash her crack and resell it.

A family's driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield. Embarrassed, and trying to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect." "Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? "If we don't get some support, people will think we're nuts."

What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because they won't stop to ask for directions.

What did the guy say when he got caught masturbating to an optical illusion? "It's not what it looks like."

Masturbation always leads to sex. It’s a gateway tug.

69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.

Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

I just found an origami porn channel, but it’s paper view only.

An Australian kiss – the same as a French kiss but down under.

They say make up sex is the best… Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up

What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD? A trip without kids.

When should condoms be used? Every conceivable occasion.

Why don’t witches wear underwear? Because they need a better grip.

Did you hear about the guy who dipped his balls in glitter? Pretty nuts!

What do boobs and toys have in common? They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.

What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom? Condoms have evolved: - They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.

How do you circumcise a hillbilly? Kick his sister in the jaw.

What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Why did the snowman suddenly smile? He could see the snowblower coming.

What do you call a guy with a small dick? Just-in!

What’s the best part about gardening? Getting down and dirty with your hoes.

Three women are walking home from the pub when they come across a man passed out, face down in the road.

The first woman says,"Well, it’s not my husband. That's not his coat."

They turn hum over to see his face and the second woman says,"I don’t know who he is, but he's not on our block."

The third woman unbuttons his pants, takes a look and says,"He's not even from our village!"

What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates.

Why did the bullet end up losing his job? He got fired.

Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella? Fo drizzle.

Why did the ghost go to rehab? He was addicted to boos.

What do you call sad coffee? Despresso.

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle

What do you call a rooster staring at a pile of lettuce? A chicken sees a salad.

What happened when the computer fell on the floor? It slipped a disk

What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLologist.

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.

Which state is the smartest? Alabama—it has four As and one B!

A big moron and a little moron were standing on a cliff. The big moron fell off. Do you know why the other one didn’t? Because he was a little more on.

When should you take a plum to dinner? If you can’t find a date!

What do horses say when they fall? Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy up.

What do lawyers wear to work? Lawsuits.

How many times can you subtract 10 from 100? Once. The next time you would be subtracting 10 from 90.

More of an audio thing...

The alarm signal at the end was an unexpected clever touch.

Trunk Monkey is the best feature one can buy.

There is a big joke hidden in the image that you can only see on mobile devices. It's one of those 3-d things too so it might take a second to see it.

pasted_image (resized).png

It’s all black on my iPad.

Check the reflection.

Why did the monkey paint his balls red?

- So he could hide in the cherry tree.

What is the loudest sound in the jungle?

- A giraffe eating cherries.