Beethoven: ARE YOU GUYS PUMPED?
Crowd: YEAAAAAHHHH!!!!
Beethoven: I can’t hear you!

Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?
A: "That's the banjo player's Porsche."

Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A: A music critic.

Q: What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: How do you make musicians complain?
A: Pay them.

Q: How many conductors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: No one knows, no one ever looks at him.

Why did the can crusher quit her job?
Because it was so-da pressing.

I got a job at a paperless office.
Everything was great until I needed to use the bathroom.

I always tell new hires:
“Don’t think of me as your boss. Think of me as a friend that can fire you.“

My boss called me this morning.
Boss: Where the f*** are you? It’s 8:30 and you were supposed to start at 8.
Me: Relax, I’m in my office.
Boss: Quit the shit! I’m standing in your office.
Me: Oh, sorry mate, I forgot to tell you about my new job.

You know what a clean desk is a sign of?
A cluttered desk drawer.

——-

A CEO who was replaced for poor performance decided to help the new CEO.

“I left you with four envelopes. When you’re faced with a crisis you can’t handle, open the first envelope. Faced with additional crisis after that, open the second, third, and fourth envelopes.”

When the new CEO encountered his first crisis he opened the first envelope.

A note inside said “Blame the previous CEO.” It worked like a charm.

Months later after the second crisis, the note in the second envelope said, “Blame the economy.” That worked, but not quite as well.

A few weeks later a third crisis occurred and the third note said “Blame the workers.” That didn’t work at all, so the new CEO opened the fourth envelope.

It said, “Prepare four envelops.”

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."

Got banned from calling seniors bingo!

Apparently calling number 69
“a dinner for two with a hairy view“was inappropriate

Math teacher asked the class “What comes after 69”?

Mouthwash was the wrong answer.

LTG : )

Some call 69 nasty. Others see it as a nice dinner for 2

A book never written:
"Mad Dash To The Outhouse" by Willie Makit, illustrations by Betty Wont.

There's a nun having bath when she hears a knock at the door. A bit worried she shouts, "who is it?" "It's Johnny the blind man." He says. So she shouts, "Well come in." And as he comes in the bathroom he says, " nice teets, where did u want the blinds?!"

On Friday, Mike, the executive from a small firm was told he had to get rid of one employee. Struggling between Diana and Jack, he told himself on Monday whomever hits the drinking fountain first will have to go. After a long weekend of drinking. partying and such. Diana stumbles and pushes the button on the fountain. Mike having to do his job walked up to Diana and said," I either have to lay you or Jack off. Diana said " You better jack off, I have a headache.

I was really shocked to hear that the stationary store had moved.











I'll see myself out.

Chris

When I started reading this, I would have bet it was going to be about a certain John Cougar song.

There's a woman named Harriet who is getting married and she's afraid of the size of her opening.

She calls up her mother and says, "what am I going to do? I'm so big down there, when I marry Harry he's going to divorce me!"

Her mother replies, "don't worry honey it runs in the family. Do what I did when I married your father and go down to the morgue and get a couple of raw livers and put them in there. He'll never know the difference."

So she heeds her mothers advice and they have 8 hours of sex after their wedding.

The next morning she wakes up and Harry is gone. But there's a note on the pillow.

It reads...

"My darling Harriet, to think that I waited a year to consumate our loving relationship makes my heartbeat so loudly I'm surprised it didn't wake you up!

The only reason I'm not here with you right now darling is I'm at work to make enough money to buy you a house with a picket fence so we can have dogs and children.

When the five o'clock dinner bell rings I'll be home like a winged gossamer in your loving arms.

Your loving husband,
Harry

PS - your cunt is in the sink."

I believe in making the world a safer place for our children. But not for our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

(Deep thoughts with Jack Handy, SNL)

I recently read about a woman who was born with no rectum... Does this mean that she also has no opinions?

What music do bunnies listen to?

Hip-Hop

*dumb I know, but made me chuckle.

What is invisible and smells like carrots ?

Bunny farts.

LTG : )

.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs with a rabbit shoved up his ass?

Hutch.

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it.

Thanks! I couldn’t think of that next one.

I normally don't just repost stuff I've seen online but this made me laugh out loud.

Screenshot_20230427-120614 (resized).png

Very similar to an old South Park episode...

A couple were on their honeymoon:

Lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband:

"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies. "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues. "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" Says the wife.

The husband says. "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"What are you doing?" She says.

The husband says. "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat.

He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks. "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole."

It seems the man who fell off the nightclub roof was NOT a bouncer.

I was on top of a very tall building. There were some people up there, drinking. Having a good time.

One man said he'd bet anyone $50 that he could jump off the building, land on the ground, and jump back up.

So a man said he'd take that bet. The guy jumped off the roof, touched the ground, and bounced back up.

So the man paid him. Then bet him that he could do it too. The man said he'd take that bet.

So the man jumped off the building and splattered when he hit the ground.

I looked at the guy and said. "Gee Superman, your sure an a**hole when you are drinking".

LTG : )

Our puppy just ate a bag of Scrabble tiles so my wife took him to the vet.

No word yet.

Still no word.

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

Q: How to become a millionaire in the pinball industry?

A: By starting as a billionaire.