A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen, and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water".

Why did the politician cross the road? I have no idea but their explanation is sure to be a crock.

A politician is like a huge warehouse full of fertilizer. Alright so maybe that’s not an analogy, it’s just a factoid.

Every time a politician gets within 100 yards of both a microphone and a Bible, God’s right eye starts to twitch.

How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Zero. Their undocumented and underpaid maid staff that nobody knows about handles it.

If one train in Australia is traveling east at 60 mph and another train in Alaska is headed north at 45 mph, how long will it take the two politician engineers to crash into each other?

Contrary to popular belief, prostitution and politics are actually tied for being the world’s oldest profession. The first elected official was forced to resign after being caught naked in a cave with a hooker.

My wife thinks I don't give her enough privacy. At least, that's what she says in her diary.

What do you call a cow with 3 legs?




Lean Beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs?




Ground Beef.

What do you call a cow with 2 legs?





Your Mom

When asked if he's a doddering man, President Biden said "I'm too old to have anymore children".

What do you call a hooker with no legs ?




Half off.

LTG : )

I was at the Museum of Natural History this weekend and saw my ex-wife across the gallery.

But, I decided not to say, "hi". There was too much history between us.

What do you call a Chinese camera man?

Phil Ming

I can't help being a pessimist- my blood type is B-Negative.

Do you have octo recto itis.

Many people have it. Look in the corner of your eye. See a tiny red spot ? If you have it, that means a nerve from your eye is hooked up to a nerve on your a** and you have a sh*tty outlook on life.

LTG : )

Sex And Good Grammar

For all my

grammatically correct friends.

On his 74th

birthday, a man received a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a
nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure

for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket

to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned,

'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say

'1-2-3.'

When you do,

you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and

you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked,
"How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded,
"but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home,

showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to

join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked,
"What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end

our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with

a dangling participle.

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur....... A lick-a-lota-puss

A 5-year girl went to visit here grandmother one day. She played with her dolls as grandma dusted the furniture. At one point, she looked up and asked, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend? “
Grandma replied, “My TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I’m so happy with my TV as my boyfriend.”
Grandma turned on her TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the back of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
Just then, the little girl heard the doorbell ring so she hurried to open the front door. When she opened the door, there stood Grandma’s minister.
The minister said, “Hello young lady, is your Grandma home? The little girl replied, “Yeah, she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend!”

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them if they were stealing the car. They said, "Heavens no, we bought it."
He said, "Then why don't you drive it away".
Each of the women said, "We can't drive".
The officer momentarily shook his head and then asked "Then why did you buy it?"
They answered, "We were told if we bought a car here, we'd get screwed, so we are just waiting.

proxy (resized).jpg

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.
"And you, Susie? " the teacher asks.
Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

A Priest, a Minister, and a Rabbit walk into a blood bank.

The Rabbit says, "I think I might be a Type-O"

What? You didn't read through this thread before posting? Post #508.

https://pinside.com/pinball/forum/topic/whats-your-best-joke-pinball-related-or-otherwise/page/11#post-5604175

-It was a practical session in the psychology class. The professor showed a large cage with a male rat in it.

The rat was in the middle of the cage.

Then, the professor put a piece of cake on one side and put a female rat on the other side. The male rat ran towards the cake and ate it.
Then, the professor changed the cake and replaced it with some bread. The male rat again ran towards the bread.
This experiment went on with the professor changing the food every time.
And, every time, the male rat ran towards the food item and never towards the female rat.
Professor asked the students: This experiment shows that food is the greatest strength and attraction, do you agree?
Then, one of the students from the back rows said: "Sir, why don't you change the female rat? This one might be his wife!"
The professor stood straight up his finger pointing towards the student and said "You just got an A."

A man comes home one day full of excitement, saying to his wife, "Guess what honey? Pack your bags, I won the lottery!" The wife squeals with delight and says, "That's great! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says, "I don't care, just pack your bags and get out!"

I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked how I could tell them apart. I said Lisa painted her fingernails purple and Bob had a weiner.

This thread is repeating itself.

Post #384 from two years ago:

https://pinside.com/pinball/forum/topic/whats-your-best-joke-pinball-related-or-otherwise/page/8#post-5181303

Yes, that happens sometimes. But it may be a new joke to someone who just recently joined the list and is reading it for the first time.

I sure wouldn’t expect everyone to catch up on years of jokes— they’d never have time for pinball!

FYI- Don’t do math when you’re drunk; it’s not good to drink and derive.

Pretty sure these are all newish:

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4k? HDMI.

What’s Thanos’ favorite app on his phone? Snapchat.

What is brown, hairy and wears sunglasses? A coconut on vacation.

What do you call two bananas on the floor? Slippers.

What do you call a Star Wars droid that takes the long way around? R2 detour.

What goes up and down but doesn’t move? The staircase.

Why won’t peanut butter tell you a secret? He’s afraid you’ll spread it!

What is worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxis.

How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced? A buck an ear.

What is the strongest animal in the sea? Mussels.

How does a scientist freshen her breath? With experi-mints.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7,8,9.

What do you call a dog magician? A labracadabrador.

How does a cucumber become a pickle? It goes through a jarring experience.

What do Olympic sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast!

A Polish man walks into a store and asks the clerk, "Could I have a Polish sausage?"
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The Pole says, "Well, I happen to be Polish, but if I had asked for Italian sausage, would you assume I was an Italian? Or if I had asked for German sausage, would you have though I was a German? Or if I had asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?"
The clerk says, "No, I don’t think I would.”
The guy says, "Well, why do you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for a Polish sausage?"
The clerk says, "Because, this is a hardware store."

All Star pubs

“Good as this bar is,” said the Scotsman, ”I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there’s a wee place called McTavish’s. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he’ll buy the fifth drink.”

“Well, Angus,” said the Englishman, “At my local pub in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.”

“Ahhh, dat’s nothin’,” said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. “Back home in me favorite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you’ve had enough drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!”

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. “Did this actually happen to you?” “Not meself, personally, no,” admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.”

I pass by this old mailbox every day. The old rusty box is nailed to a tree that has to be over a hundred years old. After years of passing it by, I decided to open the box to see if anything was inside, even though I thought, probably not. After all, there isn’t a house nearby that it could serve, and any home it served long ago has been torn down.
I noticed an old letter inside the box, as you can see in the second picture. I looked at the postmark date, which to my astonishment was actually readable, and it was dated July 7, 1958. Ever so carefully, I opened up the aged, crackly envelope and gently pulled out the folded piece of paper, almost tingling with excitement and anticipation.
The message in the letter read, "We have been trying to reach you concerning your vehicle’s extended warranty."

Reaching the end of a job interview…

…the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

new math Makes perfect sense to me!

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
It also made me Laugh Out Loud.

This is a strictly ..... mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this:

What Makes 100% ?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Well, the finest joke and pun in the English Language may be found in a pub in the Midlands of the UK, near the little village of Aldermaston.

There's a particularly low beam over the final few stairs as you descend into the pub. Inscribed upon this beam is the immortal phrase: "Duck or Grouse"

I've read this four times... I don't get it!

Duck so you don't bang your head on the beam. Or grouse about it when you do.

LTG : )

Ok, I get it. Not sure I agree about it being the finest joke or pun......

It's helpful to know duck and grouse are both game birds commonly served in rural English pubs.

How about a limerick ?

There was a man from up north he did hail
Who was in search of a whale
A whale with $100K
And invest it he may
To make a pinball without fail

LTG : )

A gent and a lady begat
cute triplets named Nat, Tat, and Pat
'twas fun in the breedin'
but hell in the feedin'
She hadn't a spare tit for Tat

and for the engineers:

Big whirls have little whirls that feed on their velocity
And little whirls have lesser still, and so on to viscosity

Very timely limerick!

Hemorrhoids are such a pain in ass.