How many pinheads does it take to change a lightbulb? Non, it's an LED and doesn't need changing!
(Topic ID: 175061)
A duck walks into a pharmacy and asks to purchase a single condom. The pharmacist asks "will that be cash or charge". To which the duck responds "just put it on my bill".
Pearland, TX
Sunshine
Quoted from Pickle:What kind of bees make milk
What do you call ghost bees?
Booooooooooooo beeeeeeessssss (said in a spooky voice)
Quoted from brenna98:What would George Washington say if he was alive today?
...He would scream and claw at the top of his coffin!
Q: Do you think glass coffins would be successful?
A: Remains to be seen.
Quoted from TimeBandit:Two hunters are out in the woods....
Ever gone hunting with the mob? They're so tough they throw the deer in the trunk AND THEN shoot it.
Mary Jane was walking through the woods
A squirrel runs up her dress
Mary Jane laughs and laughs
She knew she didn't have any nuts
Here is a fast one.
Which one is bigger, Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby?
Mr. Bigger's baby is a little bigger.
So a guy walks up to buy a game.
Buyer: " So how much do you want for it?"
Seller: "Well, on ebay they want...."
Bwahahahahahahahhahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
A guy was talking to his friend and said yesterday I was walking home by the railroad tracks and there was this girl tied down Dudley doright style on the tracks so I untied her and took her home. We made wild passionate love all night. Her on top me on top, it was awesome. His friend said wow you really scored with her, what did she look like and he responded don't know never found the head.
Not PC but funny and PC just doesn't go together. Anyway here are 2 one liners:
1. Three guys come into a bar, a priest, a pedophile and a homosexual. I can't remember the other two.
2. Did you hear the joke about the 2 gay Irish guys? No? Michael Fitzpatrik and Patrick Fitzmichael.
This guy gets into an automobile accident. 100% his fault, he wasn't paying attention and ran into the guy that was stopped in front of him.
He sees the other driver get out of the car and much to his surprise it was a little person (midget). The little person walks over to his car, reaches up and taps on the drivers side window. He rolls down his window and looks down. The little person looks up and says, "I want you to know that I am NOT happy."
Without thinking, the guys says, "Well which one are you then?"
That's when the fight started.
"How many pinball enthusiasts does it take to produce a Stern 'Super Limited Edition'?"
"Only one, Stern just increases the price to offset the manufacture cost, and makes the rest wait until they decide to increase the production quantity based on artificial demand to ensure excess profit."
Three nuns we're sitting on a bench in front of the convent when a male streaker runs past them. He passes right beside the bench and the first nun with eyes wide open - had a stroke. The second nun with a wide smile - also had a stroke. The third nun is disgusted by what she sees and doesn't touch him.
How many Pinsiders does it take to tell like one good joke - 72 and counting. Seriously, I'm not joking. 
Champion kite flyer Lucy Mendez and Jose, her husband and manager, are driven to the stately home of Don Corlone, a notorious mafioso. Corlone's consigliere meets them at the door and escorts them to the spacious lawn behind the mansion, where the old gangster is cursing as he runs around fruitlessly trying to get an expensive Chinese dragon kite aloft.
The consigliere shakes his head and turns to Lucy. "As you can see, my employer is in dire need of instruction in this activity. Would you be able to--"
Suddenly, Jose bravely steps forward. "Excuse me, sir, but with all due respect, as my wife's manager I must insist that you direct all questions about her services to me."
For a moment the consigliere considers whacking him for his insolence, but he finally nods and says, "Jose, can Lucy fly the Don's surly kite?"
Charlottetown, PE
Two antennas met on a roof and fell in love. They eventually got married. The wedding wasn't nothing special, but the reception was excellent.
A Ohio State fan and a Michigan fan are both in 3rd gade, who is psyically bigger?
The Ohio State fan, he's 16 years old!
Go Blue!
One day, a twelve year old boy walks into a brothel, dragging a dead frog behind him. The Madam asks "Can I help you son?" to which he replies, "Yes I'd like a girl for the night."
She says "I'm afraid you are too young for one of my girls." So he gets out his wallet and gives her �200. To which she says "She'll be waiting for you up stairs."
The boy says "But she's got to have herpes."
The Madam replies "But all my girls are clean!" So out comes the wallet again and he gives her another �200. The Madam says "OK, she'll be ready for you in about 10 mins".
So he goes up the stairs dragging the dead frog. About 1/2 an hour later he comes down the stairs,with a big grin on his face, still dragging the dead frog. By now the Madam was just a touch curious so she asked him "Why did you come in here, dragging a dead frog and asking for a girl with herpes?".
"Well, it's like this", he says, "When I get home tonight I'll screw the baby-sitter and then she'll get herpes. Then when my parents get home dad will drive her home and on the way they'll stop and have sex, and he'll get herpes. Later when dad gets home mum and dad will make love and then she'll get herpes. And at about 9.30 tomorrow morning, when dad has gone to work, the milkman will come round, screw my mother and then he'll get herpes...
...AND HE'S THE BASTARD WHO RAN OVER MY FROG !!!
Quoted from Billc479:Why did the chicken cross the road? To prove to the possum it could be done.
(Insert most popular local road kill in place of possum)
To prove to the armadillo it could be done. Texas speed bumps, they call them.
LTG : )
My 11 year old caught me on this one.
Hey dad, have you seen the creepy clown that hides from gay guys?
No son, I have not seen that.
He must be hiding from you.
A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender looks him over and goes, "hey, do you know you having a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?" The pirate replies "Arrr! It's driving me nuts!"
A koala bear picks up a girl in a seedy bar, brings her home, and goes down on her. When he's done, he gets up and heads for the door, and she says, "hey! where do you think you're going? You have to pay me fifty bucks!"
"Why?" asks the koala bear. The girl answers, "I'm a prostitute. Look it up in the dictionary." He looks it up: "Prostitute - woman who has sex for money."
The koala bear tells the girl, "I don't have to pay you anything, because I'm a koala bear. Look it up in the dictionary." Which she does: "Koala Bear - Australian marsupial. Eats bush and leaves."
Leeds
Two blondes walking through the woods come across some tracks.
First blonde says "Look! These are rabbit tracks".
Second blonde says "No they're not, they're possum tracks".
They're still arguing about it when the train hits them.
There's three kinds of people in the world: the people who can count and the people who can't.
Quoted from Wyopinball:My 11 year old caught me on this one.
Hey dad, have you seen the creepy clown that hides from gay guys?
No son, I have not seen that.
He must be hiding from you.
I used that one today.
Little Jimmy was was not doing well in his math class.
Despite much effort by Jimmy's parents to address the issue, nothing would motivate him to study math. Exhausting all other hope, they decided to take him out of public school and enroll him in Catholic school.
After the first day at his new school, Jimmy immediately went to his room and started studying. His mother was shocked and excited that he was going straight to his room to do his homework, rather than playing outside with the other kids.
As soon as Jimmy had finished eating dinner, he went right back to his room to study. His mother could hardly believe it. What a dramatic turnaround! Of course, she expected that, after a few days, he would simply return to his old ways, but he didn't. Each day, he seemed to study harder than the day before. It was almost as if he didn't want to play anymore, but instead, just focused all of his effort on studying math.
After several months, it was time for Jimmy to show his report card. He walked in and laid it down on the kitchen table, and then he immediately ran to his room to study more.
Jimmy's mom opened the report card and saw that he got an "A" in math. Wow! Even though Jimmy had been studying so hard, it still came as a suprise to his mom, considering all the trouble he had before.
Jimmy's mom was now determined to find out exactly why he had changed so much.
She walked to his room and asked, "Son, what caused you to start studying so hard in math? Was it the Catholic nuns at your new school?"
Little Jimmy looked down for a second and then back up at her, and simply shook his head, "No."
So his mom probed further. "Was it the extra discipline, or did you just like your new school better? Why are you studying so hard now, when you didn't before?"
Jimmy looked up and said, "Well, when I showed up on that first day, seeing that poor guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
Quoted from Circus_Animal:There's three kinds of people in the world: the people who can count and the people who can't.
There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those who understand binary, and those who don't.
What's the difference between a tire and 365 condoms? ....
One is a Goodyear and one is a great year!
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