An employee goes up to see the boss and says, "Can I schedule a week off for Christmas this year?"

The boss looks at the employee and says, "It's May".

The employee says, "May I schedule a week off for Christmas this year?"

A guy pulls into a gas station with a couple of penguins in the back seat.
"Hey buddy," the attendant says, "you gotta bring those penguins to the zoo."
The driver says, "Yeah, okay, that's a good idea."

A few days later, the same guy pulls into the station to fill up again, and the penguins are still sitting in the back seat. "Hey, I thought I told you that you should bring those penguins to the zoo," the attendant says.

"Oh, I did," said the driver. "We had a great time."

From the 1930 film "King of Jazz":

A man and woman are smooching in an office when another woman suddenly barges in. “So THIS is what you’re up to when I’m not around, aye? Don’t deny it, I saw you with my own eyes. We’re through, you hear me? You’ll never see me again! Good-BYE!!” She slams the door behind her, and the man turns to the other woman and says, “Well, wifey, there goes the best stenographer I ever had.”

A man sleeps on his deathbed in his bedroom for days. But, this evening, the smell of fresh baked cookies wakes him. He slowly gets up. Moving slowly, he makes his way down to the kitchen. His wife is there, baking. The cookies are on the kitchen table on a cooling rack.

He reaches for a cookie when his wife whacks his hand with a wooden spoon, saying, "Those are for the funeral!"

A few years ago I was out at the bar drinking with my buddy. I had a few too many drinks and puked all over myself. I was worried about going home to the wife all drunk and covered in vomit.

My buddy said, "here 10$" and he places it in my front shirt pocket soaked in vomit.

I asked him what it was for and he replied, "so when your wife asks you why you have vomit all over your shirt, you can say some guy puked on you and then he gave you 10$ to get the shirt dry cleaned."

I told him he was a genius and took a cab home.

When I got home, sure as shit the wife asks me why my shirt is covered in vomit.

I said, "relax honey, some guy puked on me and he gave me 10$ to get my shirt dry cleaned" as I pointed to my front shirt pocket with the money sticking out of it.

She grabbed it and said, "there's 20$ in here!"

I said, "I know....he also crapped in my pants."

I absolutely lost it when I read this. I could not stop laughing.
I've been laughing so hard at a bunch of these jokes.
Good stuff.

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house.

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer," said his mother.

"I don't need to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!".

LTG : )

I resemble this joke.

Bachelor Cooking Hack #258:

When preparing Lipton chicken noodle soup, always add a dash or two of freshly ground black pepper.

It will make it taste exactly like Lipton chicken noodle soup with pepper in it.

lipton-chicken-noodle-soup-ex-lg-g (resized).jpg

A penguin has car trouble, and heads over to 7-11 for a snack while the mechanic looks things over.

When he goes back for the bad news, the mechanic looks up and says "Looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin says, "Oh, no, this is just ice cream. The clerk warned me it'd be messy without hands."

You know the reason there is a microchip shortage is because of the vaccine right?

His name was Bubba, he was from Mississippi ... And he needed a loan,

So... He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan Officer.

He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari.
The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.

The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and
apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the South for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.
The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from Ole Miss University , a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas .

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
His name was BUBBA....

Keep an eye on those southern boys! Just because we talk funny does not mean we are stupid.

LTG : )

The teacher asks the kids in the class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Lil' JohnnyPinball007 , "I want to be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take a b*tch, give her a Ferrari worth a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Club and to make love to her three times a day."

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give any importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Tanya?"

"I wanna be Lil' JohnnyPinball007 's b*tch."

LTG : )

What's red and smells like blue paint...red paint.

Dr.- "OK Dave..try not to get an erection during this prostate exam."

Patient - "My name is Steve"

Dr.- "I know, I'm Dave"

LMAO!

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old-woman for most of her life finally retired.

At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring all of the medicines that had been proscribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do yo realize these are BIRTH CONTROL PILLS?" "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee...."Yes dear, I know that. But every morning I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks...and BELIEVE ME, it definitely helps me sleep at night."

LTG : )

A 100 year old redneck is interviewed by the local tv

The journalist asks him: "what was the best day of your life?" The redneck responds "the day we lost the pig! We searched him with all my family, we looked everywhere in the propriety and when we found him, we had a party and fucked the pig!" The journalist asks him to not use inappropriate language and asks him another best day of his life.

The redneck responds "the best day of my life was when we lost the cow! We searched her with all my family, we looked everywhere and when we found her, we had a party and fucked the cow!" The journalist is quite angry and so he asks him the worst day of his life.

The redneck, with a sad look on his face says"the worst day of my life was when i got lost..."

An englishman, a scotsman and an irishman walk into a bar.

In the corner there is a pot of money. The men ask the bartender how they can get that money. The bartender says they must:

Drink a bottle of tequila without passing out

Pulling a thorn out of a lion's paw

And have sex with a 100 year old woman.

The men agree, since it's a lot of money.

First goes the englishman. He starts drinking the tequila, but he passes out halfway through.

Next goes the scotsman. He drinks the bottle of tequila without passing out and goes into the room with the lion. Lots of screaming and roaring can be heard, and the scotsman comes out covered in blood.

Finally goes the irishman. He drinks the bottle of tequila without passing out, and he goes into the room with the lion. Even more screaming and roaring can be heard. The irishman comes out all bloody and asks: "Alright, where's the old lady with a thorn in her foot?"

I was on my way the other day to pick up a pin and just before I reached the guy’ house I realized I was five bucks short. A block back I saw a panhandler asking for money so I went back and asked him if he‘d lend me 5 dollars as I want to buy a pinball machine. So he gives me ten dollars and after noticing the puzzled look on my face he says „I‘ll take one, too“.

All the UFO speculation reminded me of one.

UFOs are really diaphragms thrown away by nuns on their way to heaven.

LTG : )

Two homosexuals were fighting in a bar.

They eventually took it outside to trade blows.

Did you know Mortal Kombat was actually based on an old Scandinavian church song?

It's a Finnish Hymn

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact: "Marion...Marion".

"Is that you, Dave?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens).

Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.

After supper, it's back to the golf course again, then it's more sex until late at night.
I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."
"
Oh, Dave are you in Heaven?"

"No, I'm a rabbit in Trenton."

In the future 69 will now be 96.

The cost of eating out has gone up.

LTG : )

One of the best lines a Canadian politician has ever delivered!! LOL

A man is shipwrecked on a deserted island...

...and spends many months alone. Just as he's reaching the point that he's starting to go crazy, he spots a ship in the distance and, all excited, lights a fire on the beach that he'd prepared for just such an eventuality.

He's overjoyed when he sees the ship change course and start heading for his island but his joy turns to shock as he sees the ship suddenly come to a jarring halt as it runs aground on a hidden reef. Within minutes, the ship is sinking and with it, his hopes. Dejected, he goes back to his makeshift shelter and cries himself to sleep.

The next day, he's going for his customary morning walk along the beach and spots a figure lying face down in the sand. He rushes over and sees that it's a woman wearing only her underwear.

He turns her over and can't believe what he sees... it's Jennifer Lawrence! In shock, he drags her out of the surf and begins to administer mouth to mouth. Soon enough, she splutters out a lungful of seawater and opens her eyes.

He tells her that he has rescued her and that there seem to be no other survivors. She is of course, extremely grateful to have been rescued and shows her thanks in the most appropriate way by reaching up to pull him down to her and kisses him long and deeply...

The kisses continue and before he knows it, she's stripped off his clothes and is straddling him on the beach as they happily bang away.

Her gratitude shows no signs of abating over the days and weeks that follow and his solitary island existence is forgotten in a carnal extravaganza of day long poundings and late night strokings.

They do it on the beach, in the water, in his shelter, up a tree, with him on top, with her on top, side to side and back to front. They do it with their clothes on, they do it naked, they do it whenever and wherever they want and they want it a lot.

One evening, they're sitting by the fire, well sated by the day's ardent bonking, when she notices that he seems a bit glum.

"What's the matter?" She asks.

"Oh... nothing." he says in return.

"Come on," she replies, "I can see something's wrong.. what is it??"

"You'll just laugh at me," he says nervously.

"No I won't! You can tell me... whatever it is, I promise I won't laugh"

He considers for a moment and then says "Well... you know.. we've been making love for a long time now. We've done it with you on top, with me on top, from behind, missionary, reverse cowgirl, up a tree.. you know.. every possible way I can think of but... something's missing... I mean... I...." his voice trails off....

"What is it?" She encourages him, "I'll do anything for you, anything at all, you know that! You saved my life!"

"Well.." he says nervously, picking up an old ember of burnt wood, "Would you... would you mind if I drew a moustache on you?"

"What??" she begins to say and he quickly says "See! I knew you'd laugh!"

"No no.." She replies, "It's fine.. if that's what you want to do, go for it!"

So he reaches over and with the burnt wood, carefully draws a thick black moustache on her upper lip, then sits back and looks at her.

She looks back at him expectantly.

"Um.." He says... "Would you mind if er.. if I called you Frank?"

She smiles at him and says "Baby, you can call me anything you like."

He sits there for a moment then says "Frank...?"

She smiles and answers "Yes baby?"

"Frank!" He says.. "Frank! You'll never guess who I've been fucking!"

So not worth all the build-up.

Yeah I know what you mean. But did you chuckle a little? Turns out there is a genre of Jennifer Lawrence jokes and this was one of the better ones imo.

I don't even know who she is.that was a long read

What does a kleptomaniac do when he feels bad?

He takes something for it.