It’s so hot – I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walking.
(Topic ID: 175061)
Hopkins, MN
Werribee
It's so hot crackheads are putting the copper back in air conditioners.
It's so cold prisoners are begging for the electric chair.
It's so cold I saw one dog trying to jump start another one.
Did you know all farmers have the same sized balls?
That way they can borrow each other's horse trailer.
What were you thinking....Get your mind outta the gutter!
Did you hear on the news that a midget psychic broke out of jail? There is a small medium at large.
Why can you never trust an atom? Because the make up everything. 
What’s the difference between a piano and a fish? You can tune a piano, you can’t tuna fish.
One day I was walking down the road when I met a man with no toes. Something about this pissed me off, so when I got home I walked up to my dad and said. "This guy had no toes. I guess I'm lack toes intolerant.
What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam!
What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.
What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt.
What’s the scariest plant in the jungle? Bam-BOO
A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says, "We don't serve string here." So the string goes outside, twists himself up a bit, kind of roughs up his ends and walks back into the bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says, "Aren't you that little piece of string that was in here a few minutes ago?" The string says, "No sir, I'm a frayed knot."
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9.
But why did 7 eat 9? Because he needs three squared meals a day.
Don’t you hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious?
Light travels faster than sound, which is why people like you appear bright—until they open their mouths.
My son asked me what it’s like to be married so I told him to leave me. When he did, I asked why he was ignoring me.
I always tell new hires, “Don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as a friend who can fire you.”
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy, so I got drunk.
Why do people make end-of-the-world jokes like there’s no tomorrow?
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Masturbation is like procrastination—it’s all good fun until you realize you’re just fucking yourself.
Quoted from jeffspinballpalace:I always tell new hires, “Don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as a friend who can fire you.”
In the past I have told hires: "Do you like to get out and see new places and meet new people?" "Just screw up one more time."
Quoted from jeffspinballpalace:Don’t you hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious?
I've heard a similar one:
Sometimes I use words that I don't understand so I sound more photosynthesis.
Actually I do. In fact I consider myself quite the Wordsmith. Why just this morning I came up with a brand new word... Plagiarism.
Old joke but it’s my favorite.
A man walks into a brothel. He walks up to the proprietor and says: "What can I get for $1?"
The proprietor says: "Go up the stairs and into the room on the right."
The man walks into the room and sits on the bed, when he notices a small door at the bottom of one of the walls. The door opens up, and a chicken comes walking out.
The man figures out what he has to do, and has his way with the chicken.
The chicken is disgusted, and leaves.
The man comes back the next day and says to the proprietor: "I didn't really like that, and I'd like a refund."
The proprietor says: "Oh, good sir, trust me. Go up the stairs, but this time go into the room on the left, and you won't want your dollar back."
So the man goes into the room, and this room is much larger than the other, with theatre-type seating, and a big curtain on one side.
A few people are scattered throughout the seats, and the man sits down. The curtain opens up, and it's actually a plexi-glass window into another room, and the people in the seats are watching an orgy.
The man leans over to a guy sitting next to him and says: "Man, this is something, huh?"
The other guy says: "You should have been here yesterday. Some guy was fucking a chicken."
A man has suspected for quite some time that his wife is fooling around, but he's not sure so he hires an investigator.
The investigator follows the wife around taking pictures. The next week he is showing the pictures to the husband.
"This is your wife with a younger man at the mall. Its hard to see in the pictures, but I think they are holding hands.
"This next one is them in your wife's car in the driveway.
"I shot the rest of the pictures through the windows from across the street.
"This is them in the living room. They could be kissing.
"This is them going upstairs to the bedroom.
"This is them sitting on your bed. Then they turned out the lights so I couldn't take any more pictures."
The husband claps his hand to his head in anguish," Oh, these doubts are killing me!"
The following is a list of the six worst Star Wars jokes, in no particular order. ...
Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 7
Episode 8
Episode 9
What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.
A die hard union man decides to visit a whorehouse.
He enters. Asks the madam if all her girls are union girls. He can't make love to a non union girl. She says no. He leaves. She calls the other whorehouses and warns them that he's headed their way.
He goes into another whorehouse. Enters. Asks the madam if all her girls are union girls. She says yes. So he pays her. She parades all the beautiful young ladies by him to make his selection. He picks one.
Then the madam stops him. She says, "no, you take the old one in the corner". He looks at the woman and sees an ugly old woman. He asks, "why can't I have the one I picked ?" The madam says, "because the old ugly one has the most seniority".
LTG : )
A man and his wife are sitting in front of their PC, and trying to set up a new password. The husband types 'mypenis' as password. The wife immediately falls on ground laughing as she sees an error message on the computer screen that reads as "Error! Password's Not Long Enough."
A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman, the general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"
Guy: I think my wife's cheating on me.
Friend: How do you know?
Guy: She didn't come home last night. When I asked about it, she said she was with her sister Stacey.
Friend: So?
Guy: She was lying. I was with her sister the whole night.
This is sort of a pinball joke. Many years ago, my brother gave family friends his Royal Flush. Its been in our friend's garage for 20 years, untouched. The out hole wasn't working, so they covered it with black tape. Second punchline: He's an electrician.
My girlfriend was actually joke happy tonight, and told me these 2:
Did you know they have a new pill for lesbians with depression? It is called Tricoxigin.
(this involves a prop, 5 Lincoln head pennies)
Lay one penny down and ask what they see. answer a penny.
Lay 2 pennies down and ask if they see a fruit. answer a pair.
Lay 3 pennies down and ask if they see a car. answer 3 Lincolns
Lay 4 pennies down and ask if they see a snake. answer 4 copperheads.
Lay 5 pennies down and ask if you see pussy. answer: and you won't for 5 cents.
A guy is at a truck stop eating some food. He asks the employee if there are any hookers around. The guy says "No, but if you want you can fuck old Wong back there". He looks and sees and 80 year old Chinese man sweeping the floor. He says "No, I'm not into that shit".
A little while later, he asks again. The employee says " I told you no, but if you want you can fuck old Wong". The guy says "I told you I'm not into that shit".
A while later his curiosity gets the better of him. He asks "If I did want to fuck old Wong, how much would it cost me"?
The employee answers "200 dollars".
The guy says "200 Dollars! To fuck an old Chinaman in the ass"?
The employee says "Oh, that's just for me and my brother to hold him down. Old Wong's not into that shit either"!
So I know I'm getting old - The other day I was walking down the street and went past a whore house . The lady inside yelled out " hey Grandpa , want to try some Supersex ? " I thought about it for a while and said " maybe I'll try the soup - at my age the sex might kill me ! "
Big, burly Polish dude is returning his new chainsaw. "You guaranteed that it would cut 10 trees/hr and I can only cut 5/hr" The salesman says let me see it, pulls the rope and VROOM, it starts. The Polish dude jumps back and says "What's that noise"
dirty Disney jokes
Why does Ariel wear sea shells?
Because D shells are too big and B shells are too small.
Why did the seven dwarves go to jail?
They sold all there gems for hi-hoes!
Why can’t Miss Piggy count to one hundred?
Because every time she gets to sixty nine she gets a frog in her throat.
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
She gagged.
Where is Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out?
Wendy’s.
What happened after Snow White sat in the bath, feeling happy?
Happy got out, so she felt Grumpy.
Why did Belle get kicked out of Disney World?
She sat on Pinnochio’s face and screamed, “Lie to me! Lie to me!”
What are Muppets puppeteers really good at?
Hand jobs.
Did you hear how Captain Hook died?
Jock Itch!
What’s slimy, cold, green and smells like pork?
Kermit the Frog’s finger.
What did the elephant ask the naked man?
How do you breathe out of that thing?
How do you make your husband scream during sex?
Call him and let him hear it.
How is life like toilet paper?
You’re either on a roll or taking shit from someone.
What does one boob say to the other boob?
If we don’t get support, people will think we’re nuts.
What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A man will actually search for a golf ball.
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
It’s not hard.
What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
How did you quit smoking?
I decided to smoke only after sex.
What do you call a useless piece of skin on a penis?
A man.
Do you want to hear a joke about my vagina?
Nevermind. You’ll never get it!
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
Why are you shaking? She’s going to eat me!
Having sex in an elevator is wrong.
On so many levels.
What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
Ones a Goodyear. The other is a great year.
What kind of bees make milk?
Boo-bees.
"Good morning. Smith, Smith, Smith & Smith, how may I help you?"
"I’d like to speak with Mr. Smith, please."
"Mr. Smith passed away last year."
"Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Can I speak with Mr. Smith?"
"Mr. Smith is in trial all week."
"Oh. Is Mr. Smith available?"
"Mr. Smith is currently on vacation."
"Well, then, Mr. Smith, please."
"Speaking."
A former associate of a prestigious law firm calls his former boss:
"Higgenbothem and Jones Law Firm, may I help you?"
"I’d like to speak to Mr. Higgenbothem."
"I’m sorry, Mr. Higgenbothem died in a car wreck last week."
"Oh, ok."
"Higgenbothem and Jones"
"Mr. Higgenbothem, please."
"I’m sorry, Mr. Higgenbothem has passed away."
"Ok"
"Higgenbothem and Jones"
"Mr. Higgenbothem, please."
"Look, I’ve told you twice already that he's dead."
"I know. I just like hearing you say it."
The Pastor's Ass
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won !!
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the next race,
and it won that race too.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the
Pastor not to enter the donkey in another races.
The next day the local paper headline read:
“BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS”.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he
ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a
nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN!!
The Bishop fainted ….
He informed the Nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey as soon as possible.
So she sold it to a local farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
“NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10”.
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back the
donkey, and take it to the plains
where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is .. . . being
concerned about public opinion can
bring you much grief and misery,
even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier
and live longer!
1 week later
What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know, but their flag is a huge plus.
Why aren't koalas actual bears?
They don't meet the koalafications.
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
Phillipe Phillope.
Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you'll be a mile away, and you'll have their shoes.
Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other, "I need you to help me get to the other side!" The other guy replies, "You're on the other side!"
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Same middle name.
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, "What's your favorite kind of music?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."
What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened?
the door, I'm dressing.
"I stand corrected!" Said the man in the orthopedic shoes.
I used to be addicted to soap. But I'm clean now.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind? A maybe.
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
Dad Jokes - Part 1
What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast!
What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!
What do you call a mac 'n' cheese that gets all up in your face? Too close for comfort food!
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere!
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!
Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe!
What happens when you go to the bathroom in France? European.
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire!
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!
Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!
Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint!
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it!
How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together!
Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well!
Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with!
What do you call a factory that sells passable products? A satisfactory!
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it!
Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.
I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!
I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole destroying!
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home!
I'm so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!
Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!
I thought about going on an all-almond diet… But that's just nuts!
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there!
My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?"And I told him, "No it doesn't!"
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down!
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised!
I tell dad jokes but I have no kids…I'm a faux pa!
So a vowel saves another vowel's life. The other vowel says, "Aye E! I owe you!"
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They're his watch dogs!
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?!
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It's a little fishy!
Five out of four people admit they're bad with fractions!
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
I'll call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad!
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way!
When the grocery store clerk asks me if I want the milk in a bag, I always tell him, "No, I'd rather drink it out of the carton!"
Dad Jokes - Part 2
The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this!
I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!
What's brown and sticky? A stick!
Can February March? No, but April May!
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!
I invented a new word today: Plagiarism!
What do you call a donkey with only three legs? A wonkey!
After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it!
How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put some boogie in it!
Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands!
What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!
This morning, Siri said, "Don't call me Shirley." I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode!
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks her, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!"
I know a lot of jokes about retired people but none of them work!
What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto!
What do Santa's elves listen to ask they work? Wrap music!
What rhymes with boo and stinks? You!
If an English teacher is convicted of a crime and doesn't complete the sentence, is that a fragment?
I think my wife is putting glue on my antique weapons collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns!
Which U.S. state is famous for its extra-small soft drinks? Minnesota!
I got a hen to regularly count her own eggs. She's a real mathamachicken!
What did the Ranch say when someone opened the refrigerator door? "Close the door, I'm dressing!"
Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? They just seem a little shady!
What did the policeman say to his belly button? You're under a vest!
Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.
A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta!
I've been bored recently so I've decided to take up fencing. The neighbors said they will call the police unless I put it back.
Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!
I don't really call for funerals that start before noon. I guess I'm just not a mourning person!
If two vegans get in a fight, is it still considered a beef?
One of my favorite memories as a kid was when my brothers used to put me inside a tire and roll me down a hill. They were Goodyears!
Winnipeg, MB
Perhaps slightly off topic as it isn't a joke per se, but every now and then I see an organization post something that doesn't quite hit the mark. Here was today's laugh in my LinkedIn feed:
"Procrastination Is Really Professionalism: Do you struggle with procreating when it comes to work? Do you procrastinate even when it comes to projects you're excited about? You are not alone but, when we procrastinate, often the surprising underlying reason is perfectionism. Learn more at PsychAlive"
Quoted from TDK-WPG:Perhaps slightly off topic as it isn't a joke per se, but every now and then I see an organization post something that doesn't quite hit the mark. Here was today's laugh in my LinkedIn feed:
"Procrastination Is Really Professionalism: Do you struggle with procreating when it comes to work? Do you procrastinate even when it comes to projects you're excited about? You are not alone but, when we procrastinate, often the surprising underlying reason is perfectionism. Learn more at PsychAlive"
Well I don't know about all that, I have found a way to procrastinate and still get things done. You simply put off procrastinating until tomorrow.
Quoted from Apinjunkie:Well I don't know about all that, I have found a way to procrastinate and still get things done. You simply put off procrastinating until tomorrow.
Hard work pays off in the long run.....but procrastination pays off right now, baby! 
Quoted from jeffspinballpalace:One of my favorite memories as a kid was when my brothers used to put me inside a tire and roll me down a hill. They were Goodyears!
I thought that was just the way you rolled.
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane.
The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
Quoted from pinballlife:I bought a new thesaurus and its terrible. I mean its really, uh, terrible.
Turrible, just turrible
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