Should go over big with the LBGTQXYZ crowd!!

I slapped this one together today...

You better beware
You better all hide
You better be scared I’m telling you why
Murder Hornet’s comin’ to town

His stinger is huge
He’s sharpened it twice
Not even a Kevlar suit'll suffice
Murder Hornet’s comin’ to town

He’ll find you when you’re sleeping
Or when you are awake
He 'specially loves to eat raw meat
So to him you’re T-bone steak

Ohhh you better not fool
with him or his hive
He’s gonna poke you right in the bee-hind
Murder Hornet’s comin’ to towwwwwn.

murder_hornet.jpg.optimal (resized).jpg

What's the first thing that enters a murder Hornets mind when it hits your windshield? It's ass.

I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.

Send bail money.

Intelligence test (please read your answers out LOUD)

1 say "EYE"

2 spell M-A-P

3 say "NESS"

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, “Billy Miller showed me his willy today at the playground!”

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, “It reminded me of a peanut.”

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally’s mom asked,

“Really tiny, was it?”

Sally replied, “No, salty.”

None other than Mary Tyler Moore herself pinned that on him!

Don't give 'em any ideas for the next crisis.

How many dead people does it take to change a light bulb?

More than 10 as my cellar is still dark!

A man was told his hair piece would cost $25.

It was a small price toupee.

God, that was just awful. in a good way, I'll be using that one this weekend.

A man walked into a bar in Scotland, sat down and ordered a drink. Next to him was a leathery old Scotsman, well into the bottle in front of him.
The man asked the Scotsman if there was something the matter.

The Scot replied (in Groundskeeper Willy brogue); "Aye lad, indeed there is. You see this bar here? I made this bar with me own two hands, slowly crafting it in the time-honored way of my forebears. It took me 4 months, but do they call me MacGregor the bar-builder? Noooooo."

"You know the dock that your ferry landed at the night before? I built that dock with me own bare hands, finely honing each joint so that it would withstand the weather that mother nature unravels upon it. It took nigh a year, but do they call me MacGregor the dock-builder? Noooooo."

"And do you recall the livery stable you passed on the way into town? I stood that stable up in six months, with nary a bit o' help. To this day that stable is one of the finest in all of Scotland. But do they call me MacGregor that stable-maker? Nooooooo."

"But you fuck one goat..."

That's one of my all-time favorite jokes, the only reason I haven't posted it here is because I didn't think you could pull it off without the cheesy Scottish accent. Thanks for sharing it.

LTG just jogged this one loose from my head after a seeing a recent post of his of a great vinyl find.
What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?

The Rolling Stones sing ,hey you get off of my cloud. Whereas a Scotsman sings ,Hey McCloud get off of my ewe.

In the spirit of lame dad jokes...

The LEGO store reopens here tomorrow, but I recommend avoiding it for the time being. People will be lined up for blocks.

What's the difference between a pile of dead bodies and a corvette?

I don't have a corvette in my garage.

LTG : )

Fourth Grade Career Day:

Me: What does a Software Engineer do?
Kid in front row: You fix computers!
Me: Only on Thanksgiving.

Two fishing buddies are out one chilly morning doing what fishermen do, after a 12 pack, they both need to go.
One on each side of the boat so as not to overturn, first man says "damn water is cold today" his buddy replies, "yea, it's deep too"

Man this one is either totally over my head or the joke is is that they're drowning drunk? What a way to go.

a part of his anatomy is touching the bottom ...

Let's just say he possesses a biological depth gauge.

while he is in the boat...

From STANDING in a BOAT?

Dear god of what like 18ft?

I've clearly never been in a boat before or my 6 inches of confidence is just as confused as my brain is.

When it started getting cold in Minnesota one year, this guy goes in to buy a couple pairs of flannel lined pants.

The clerk asks,”How long do you want them?”

“Oh, ‘till about May.”

Well, I've heard that most other men exaggerate.

I could make mine 18 ft.... If I folded it in half.

How do you fit a hose reel in your shorts?

I've got a system, the worst is getting the knots out after lasso practice.

A guy goes to a brothel. The manager says she must inspect his privates before he can go back and select a girl. So he drops his drawers and she sees he has a tattoo on his dick that says Shorty. Odd, but everything else looks normal so she lets him go on back. About 10 minutes later the prostitute comes running out screaming and yelling. "Lord no! I'm not doing anything with him!"

The manager asks "Was it the tattoo"
She replies "You're damn right it's the tattoo"
Manager says "What's wrong? It's just a little tattoo that says Shorty"
She says "Well, it might have said Shorty when you seen it, but now it says
ShortyHiggenbotthemFromChattanoogaTennessee"

Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

Still one of my favorite tellings of this joke:

Must be the dude from the boat.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To maintain the proper 6’ of social distancing.

Pinhead 1: I think I have pinball fever!
Pinhead 2: You need a Dr. Dude!

(The forum title asks for my best joke, it does not require it to be a good joke. This is what I got)

That's what made me remember the joke!

The version I know is something like this ...

A guy steps up to a urinal and another guy steps up to the one beside him.

The first guy goes ‘yo check it out, I just got my girlfriend’s name tattooed on my junk. Tammy, she loves it.’

The second guy says ‘oh cool I have a tattoo there too.’

The first guy checks it out and says ‘your girlfriend’s name is Waica?‘

The second guy tugs a little and the fist guy’s eyes go wide as he reads Welcome to beautiful Jamaica.

A group of blondes were driving out to a weekend hunting trip in the woods. On the highway they saw a sign that said Bear Left, so they went home.

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

LTG : )

I know a man who has a dog with no legs. He named him "Cigarette" because every night he takes him out for a drag.

I knew a hooker with no legs. She was half off.

LTG : )

They found a dead man in CHOP( CHAZ) or whatever it is called now with 47 bullet holes in his back.
Police stated it was the worst case of suicide they had seen.

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So I just did the math, do you know how many dumb blonde jokes there actually are ... actually just six, the rest are true stories.

Five surgeons are taking a coffee break:

1st surgeon: "Accountaints are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." 2nd surgeon: "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order." 3rd surgeon: "Try electricians! Everything inside THEM is color coded." 4th surgeon: "I prefer lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and their butts are interchangeable." 5th surgeon who has been quitely listening to the conversation: "I like Pinball Machine restorers... they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."

I found this on an automobile forum and modified it for pinball.

I just told this one to my Grandaughter = It was so hot out today ! Grandaughter : How hot was it Papa ? It was so Hot , I threw some bread out to the Birds - now they want some Jelly to put on their Toast !

It was so hot today. I saw a funeral procession pull through a Dairy Queen.

LTG : )

It was so hot today, the fleas on my stomach were sweating.

It's so hot out that I almost called Kaneda... just to be around someone shady