A duck walks into a bar, hops up onto a bar stool, then onto the bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

"No," the barkeep answers, "we don't keep any grapes here."

The duck hops down and leaves.

The next day, the duck comes in, hops up onto a bar stool, onto the bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

"No," the barkeep answers, "I told you yesterday we don't have any grapes. And we don't like ducks, so if you ask me again, I'm going to nail your feet to the bar. Now, get out of here."

The duck hops down and leaves.

The next day, in comes the duck. He hops up onto the bar and asks, "Got any nails?"

"No, we don't have nails here."

"Got any grapes?"

A redneck walks into a drugstore. He says to the druggist, "I need to get some birth control pills for my twelve year old daughter".
The druggist asks incredulously, "you mean she's twelve years old, and she's sexually active???"
The redneck replies, "Nah, she just lies there like her mama."

I think this one has been covered.

This one too

(not mine, but I thought it was fairly funny)

The Rules:

1. Basically, you can't leave the house for any reason, but if you have to, then you can.

2. Masks are useless, but maybe you have to wear one, it can save you, it is useless, but maybe it is mandatory as well.

3. Stores are closed, except those that are open.

4. You should not go to hospitals unless you have to go there. Same applies to doctors, you should only go there in case of emergency, provided you are not too sick.

5. This virus is deadly but still not too scary, except that sometimes it actually leads to a global disaster.

6. Gloves won't help, but they can still help.

7. Everyone needs to stay HOME, but it's important to GO OUT.

8. There is no shortage of groceries in the supermarket, but there are many things missing when you go there in the evening, but not in the morning. Sometimes.

9. The virus has no effect on children except those it affects.

10. Animals are not affected, but there is still a cat that tested positive in Belgium in February when no one had been tested, plus a few tigers here and there…

11. You will have many symptoms when you are sick, but you can also get sick without symptoms, have symptoms without being sick, or be contagious without having symptoms. Oh, my..

12. In order not to get sick, you have to eat well and exercise, but eat whatever you have on hand and it's better not to go out, well, but no…

13. It's better to get some fresh air, but you get looked at very wrong when you get some fresh air, and most importantly, you don't go to parks or walk. But don’t sit down, except that you can do that now if you are old, but not for too long or if you are pregnant (but not too old).

14. You can't go to retirement homes, but you have to take care of the elderly and bring food and medication.

15. If you are sick, you can't go out, but you can go to the pharmacy.

16. You can get restaurant food delivered to the house, which may have been prepared by people who didn't wear masks or gloves. But you have to have your groceries decontaminated outside for 3 hours. Pizza too?

17. Every disturbing article or disturbing interview starts with " I don't want to trigger panic, but…"

18. You can't see your older mother or grandmother, but you can take a taxi and meet an older taxi driver.

19. You can walk around with a friend but not with your family if they don't live under the same roof.

20. You are safe if you maintain the appropriate social distance, but you can’t go out with friends or strangers at the safe social distance.

21. The virus remains active on different surfaces for two hours, no, four, no, six, no, we didn't say hours, maybe days? But it takes a damp environment. Oh no, not necessarily.

22. The virus stays in the air - well no, or yes, maybe, especially in a closed room, in one hour a sick person can infect ten, so if it falls, all our children were already infected at school before it was closed. But remember, if you stay at the recommended social distance, however in certain circumstances you should maintain a greater distance, which, studies show, the virus can travel further, maybe.

23. We count the number of deaths but we don't know how many people are infected as we have only tested so far those who were "almost dead" to find out if that's what they will die of…

24. We have no treatment, except that there may be one that apparently is not dangerous unless you take too much (which is the case with all medications).

25. We should stay locked up until the virus disappears, but it will only disappear if we achieve collective immunity, so when it circulates… but we must no longer be locked up for that?

Unfortunately that is fairly funny.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.

The rabbit says, "I think I might be a type-O".

In other words, nobody really knows jack sh*t about this thing!

It took about a half minute of cogitation and rumination, but it finally registered.

what's the difference between a brothel and a circus?
one has a cunning array of stunts

From Jay Leno: A guy is walking down the Vegas strip and notices a well-dressed man following him for over a mile. He finally confronts the man and asks him what's up. The man says "Sorry, I was a successful businessman but my family and I have fallen on hard times and our car ran out of gas and I was wondering if you could spare $100. Honest to god I'm telling the truth as you can see by my Armani suit and my Rolex." The guy says "Okay mister, I believe your story seeing your suit and your watch and everything... but how do I know you won't just use the $100 for gambling money?" The businessman reaches into his pocket, pulls out a big wad of twenties and replies, "Oh I *GOT* gamblin' money!"

The other night my wife asked to pass her the lipstick,
but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.
She still isn't talking to me..

What’s difference between a watering hole and an elephant’a fart?
One is a bar room
The other is a Barrroooom!!!

A couple drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the
car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private
parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd. She looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

LTG : )

There's a world renowned assassin who charges $1000 a bullet. One night, he's sitting in a bar when a man approaches him and asks if he's the famous hitman he's heard of. When he says yes, the man hands over $2000 and says "My wife's cheating on me, I want you to kill her and her lover".

So the two head to the hotel the man's wife and her lover are at, and make their way to the roof of the neighboring building. They reach the roof and spot the couple getting intimate in the window. The man tells the assassin to "shoot her in the head, and blow his dick off". The assassin opens up his rifle case and starts to set up. He takes aim, looks through his scope, and waits. A few minutes pass, and the man impatiently asks what's taking him so long.

The assassin replies, "I'm about to save you a thousand bucks".

So... a bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods, the bear looks over at the rabbit and says ,"hay,do you ever have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit says,"no."so the bear picks him up and wipes his ass with him.

First time I heard that joke was in 1980.

Not as funny now, but still pretty decent 40 years later.

It's hard to go wrong with a classic.

When the Corona stuff is over i will make myself a few days comfortable at home....

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add ephasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol . . . . . . Dead

The second worm in cigarette smoke . . .Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . . Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil . . .Alive …

So the Minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . . "As long as you drink, smoke
and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

LTG : )

So... The guy walks into a bar with a talking dog, immediately the bartender says," hey you can't have that dog in here". the guy says," no that's a special dog ,he talks, he understands everything ,he'll do anything you ask him". the bartender says," really"and the dog says ,"sure,you betcha".(obviously from Minnesota)so the bartender says to the dog,"okay, here's a twenty ,go down to the corner, get me a newspaper and bring me back my change". the dogs says, " sure no problem", and walks out of the bar. Well he's gone for about 20 minutes and bartender starts to feel like he's been had so he and owner go looking for the dog.they get about a half a block away and look down an alley ,and sure enough here is the dog, doing the Wild Thing with another dog in the alley .the owner says," hey what's with you, you've never done anything like this before". and the dog replies" that's because I never had the money before."

A sheltering in place joke....

My wife yelled from upstairs, asking,"Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

Concerned, I yelled back up, "No, never have."

"How about now?"

An Old Jewish man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"

"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the little old Jewish man runs around the next block and faces her again.

"Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'

"Nah," says the little old Jewish man... "Costs too much!"

Why is it important in that story that the guy is Jewish?

good grief mate, breathe!

When you retell joke, make him Irish if it makes you happy

Knock knock

Who's there ?

Irish

Irish who

Irish I was Irish

LTG : )

It's a funny joke and I laughed. Actually one of the funnier ones.

But it's not funny because you make him Jewish. It's funny because the woman was cleverly fooled into letting a stranger fondle her breasts.

Adding the cheap jew angle was only necessary if you felt it was funnier to be anti semitic.

It was just as funny without it. It didn't improve it.

How about a Jamaican? You need to be fast to haul ass around a block twice to once again
meet her..

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably p****d.

4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.

6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That now makes 1,500 days in a row.

8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

9. Dear paranoid people who check behind your shower curtains for murderers. If you happen to find one, what's your plan?

LTG : )

This is an old one, so I apologize if you've heard it a dozen times before.

A young Indian boy asks his father, "Is it true that we Indians are named by the first thing our Mother sees when she comes out of the teepee after giving birth?"
Father says "Yes. That is why your brother is named Big Blue Sky and your sister is named Babbling Brook". But tell me, Why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking?

Home schooling question:

Does having your children fix you mixed cocktails count as chemistry?

(sorry, I'm new at this)

Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers, is that true?

Him: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”

The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?” The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”

Why did George Washington have trouble sleeping?
Because he couldn't lie.

A man is visiting his friends out at their farm. As they are sitting in the porch drinking lemonade, a sheep with only three legs walks by.

The farmer Says, "That's one amazing sheep. Last year, we were being robbed at gunpoint and that sheep busted through the door, butted the robber outside and to the ground, and kept him there until the police came."

Last month, I had fallen and couldn’t get up. Martha wasn’t around, but the sheep went and got the neighbor over."

Last week, our grandbaby was over, and the sheep kept watch over him like a nanny."

The friend was understandably impressed.

"What happened to his leg?" the friend asked.

"Well, you know, a good sheep like that, you don’t eat him all at once."

so this farmer after getting a little liquored up one night steps into the bedroom with a chicken under his arm and says ,"you see honey ,this is the pig I f**k when you're not in the mood". the wife looks up and says ,"you're drunk, that's not even a pig it's a chicken". And the farmer says ,"hey I wasn't talking to you".

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

[Gagging sounds]

How did the Pollock break his leg on the golf course?

He fell off the ball washer.

Mama and papa weevil sent their two boys out into the world.

One went to California, got a job in the movies, and became a big star.

The other one stayed in town, got a job and settled down.

He was the lesser of two weevils.

Three construction workers, Hans, Luigi and Stash, are sitting on a girder of a 40 storey building, 400 feet in the air, eating lunch.

Hans opens his lunch box, and says "Wienerschnitzel! I hate this! If I gotta eat this ONE MORE DAY for lunch, I'm gonna jump!"

Then Luigi opens his lunch box and says "Fettuccine! I hate this! If I gotta eat this one more day, I'm gonna jump!"

Finally Stash opens his box, and says "Polish Sausage! I really hate this! One more time and I'M gonna jump!"

So they eat their lunch and get back to work welding girders.

The next day at lunch, Hans opens his lunch box, sees Wienerschnitzel, slams his box closed and jumps to his death.
Luigi opens his box, sees fettuccine, slams it shut and jumps to his death.
Stash sees Polish Sausage, throws his lunch box, and jumps to his death.

That weekend, all three of them are waked at the funeral home and their grieving wives are crying over their dead bodies.

Greta sobs, "If I had any idea Hans hated Wienerschnitzel so much, I would have made him Bratwurst or something else!!"

Maria sobs, "If I only knew Luigi hated Fettuccine, I would have made him Lasagna or something else!!"

Zofia looks down at her dead husband, totally bewildered, and says "I just don't understand it - Stash packs his own lunch!!"

At a fami;ly BBQ one day and my mates old man pipes up and say's 'You know, women are like dog shit.'

Pray tell John? Say's his wife with that long suffering look.

'Well, the older they get, the easier they are to pick up.'

We were still laughing an hour later.

Twin boys were adopted out at birth. The adoption agency gave one to a family in South America, who named him Juan. The other was adopted by a family in the Middle East. His name was Amal.

As adults, they found each other on line and set up a visit at a nice beach resort with the birth parents. The press had gotten wind of it, and were all set to cover the reunion of the two brothers. Unfortunately, due to the pandemic, Amal's flight was canceled at the last minute.

One of the reporters asked the parents if they weren't disappointed, only getting to visit with one of their sons.

"Not really," the mother replied, "If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

There's a record store and the sign in the window says "Hard to find records and tapes."

I went in, and nothing was alphabetized.

(A Mitch Hedberg joke.)

What is Dick Van Dyke's real name? Penis Van Lesbian...

... so, I order some Chinese food to have delivered. Shortly after, an Asian driver comes to my house with my order. I go out to meet him, when he starts screaming, "Isolate! Isolate! I said, "Whoa bud, I only ordered a half hour ago, you weren't that late.