(Topic ID: 175061)

What's Your Best Joke, Pinball-Related or Otherwise?

By Dooskie

7 years ago


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There are 1,455 posts in this topic. You are on page 10 of 30.
#451 3 years ago

(a friend emailed me this)

: Thoughts on the virus

•Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

•I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

•Still haven't decided where to go for Easter ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom

•PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

•Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.

•I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone

•This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.

•Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

•My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

•Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.

•I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?

•I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.

•Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

•Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.

•Better 6 apart than 6 feet under ⚰

-11
#452 3 years ago
Quoted from jasonp:

A plane has five passengers on board: Donald Trump, the Pope, Dr. Anthony Fauci, Hillary Clinton, and a ten year old school girl. The plane is about to crash and there is only four parachutes.
Dr Fauci, said “I need one, I have to help develop a cure for the global health crisis that is COVID19!” He straps on a parachute and jumps.
The pope said “I need one, I have to help spiritually guide people through the global health crisis that is COVID19!” He takes one and jumps.
Hillary said ‘‘I need one, I’m the smartest woman in the United States.” she takes one and jumps.
President Trump pauses for a moment and then turns to the 10-year-old. After a deep sigh, he says tenderly, "You can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only starting". The child replies, "Don’t worry, there are two parachutes left. The smartest woman in the United States took my school backpack. ​

That's funny to think Trump would ever give the last parachute to anyone but himself. Good one.

#453 3 years ago
Quoted from RTS:

That's funny to think Trump would ever give the last parachute to anyone but himself. Good one.

Here we go...

Great job turning a joke thread into a political fuckfest.

#454 3 years ago
Quoted from Lounge:

Here we go...
Way to turn a joke thread into a political fuckfest.

He obviously did not understand the joke!

#455 3 years ago
Quoted from Lounge:

Here we go...
Great job turning a joke thread into a political fuckfest.

Poke fun at Clinton = joke thread
Poke fun at Trump = fuckfest

#456 3 years ago

Told this one to my kids and got a good laugh.

What’s black and dangerous and lives in a tree?
.
.
.
.
A crow with a machine gun.

#457 3 years ago

How do you know that an elephant has been in the refrigerator?

By the footprint on the pizza.

10
#458 3 years ago

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting in the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his money down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."

LTG : )

#459 3 years ago
Quoted from RTS:

Poke fun at Clinton = joke thread
Poke fun at Trump = fuckfest

You’re free to tell a Trump joke.... it’s a JOKE thread.

#460 3 years ago
Quoted from RTS:

Poke fun at Clinton = joke thread
Poke fun at Trump = fuckfest

Trump got better pussy than Clinton.

#461 3 years ago

What's brown, green and fuzzy, has eight legs, and if it fell out of a tree it could kill you?...

......
......
......
......
A pool table.

#462 3 years ago
Quoted from Lounge:

You’re free to tell a Trump joke.... it’s a JOKE thread.

The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?

This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"

Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”

So the Pope slapped him.

#463 3 years ago

There was a train going through the Alps. In one cabin was an Englishman, a Frenchman and an attractive Swiss woman traveling with her mom. The train enters a tunnel and it goes pitch black. Halfway through the tunnel there’s a loud slapping sound. Once the train exits the tunnel and daylight lights up the train, the Frenchman is sitting on the ground, looking surprised, rubbing his red cheek.
He thinks...”That Englishman must’ve grabbed that cute girls ass, and when she tried to slap him hit me by accident.”
The mom thinks...”Serves him right, he probably grabbed my daughters ass and she taught him a lesson.”
The woman thinks...”I bet that Frenchman tried grabbing my ass and accidentally grabbed my moms, I’m proud of her for slapping him back.”
The Englishman thinks...”I cant wait till we go through another tunnel so I can slap that f$&@ing Frenchman again!”

#464 3 years ago

So a guy walks into a bar, his face is all bloodied and bruised, orders a beer. Bartender brings his beer and says,oh man you look awful what happened to you? The man replies,"I called my girlfriend a two-bit whore, and she hit me with her bag of quarters."

#465 3 years ago

A big burly guy walks into a bar. He goes to the center of the long bar, points and says "All you on this side of the bar are assholes!" Nobody says a word. He then points to the other side and says "And all you on this side of the bar are cocksuckers!". The room is dead silent. Then a little guy at the far end stands up and starts walking towards the man. He says " Hey! You got a problem?". The little guys says "Oh, no sir. I'm just sitting on the wrong side of the bar".

#466 3 years ago

A lady walks into a bar and says,"bartender,give me a beer". The bartender responds ,"Anheuser-Busch"? And the lady says, "it's just fine and how's your dick".

18
#467 3 years ago

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Baltimore Ravens. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Ravens go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his Mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says." You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,...

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Baltimore !!!!

LTG : )

#468 3 years ago
Quoted from LTG:

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Baltimore Ravens. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Ravens go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his Mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says." You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,...
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Baltimore !!!!
LTG : )

#469 3 years ago

So this farmer has three daughters and they all have a date on the same night. First guy shows up knocks at the door, farmer answers and the young man says,"hello my name is Eddie ,I've come to date your daughter Betty, we're going to eat some spaghetti, is she ready"? The farmer says nothing and sends them on their way. The second guy shows up knocks at the door, farmer answers and the man says," hello my name is Joe, I've come to date your daughter Flo, we're going to see a show, is she ready to go"? Again the farmer says nothing and sends them on their way. The third guy shows up,( because he has the punchline) knocks on the door ,farmer answers and the young man says," hello my name is Chuck "... and the farmer shoots him in the head.

#470 3 years ago

This jokes on us.

Screenshot_20200411-221147_Chrome (resized).jpgScreenshot_20200411-221147_Chrome (resized).jpg
#471 3 years ago
Quoted from Apinjunkie:

This jokes on us. [quoted image]

Damn, Happy Easter!!

#472 3 years ago
Quoted from Apinjunkie:

This jokes on us. [quoted image]

I think I'd rather have that. We're in a 70% chance of a tornado within 25 miles zone today!

#473 3 years ago

I had a really bad day.

First, my ex got run over by a bus, then I got fired from my job as a bus driver.

#474 3 years ago

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

#475 3 years ago

(a friend sent me these)

Health Tip: If you can not afford to go to the doctor, go to the airport, you will get a free x-ray, breast exam, and if you mention Al Qadea , you will get a free colonoscopy.

Never hike alone in bear country. Always hike with someone you can trip and outrun.

As a kid, did you ever knock on peoples doors and run away before they could answer? Well guess what, we at UPS are hiring.

A husband and wife had been arguing all day. They pass a heard of jackasses. The wife says "relatives of yours"? The husband replies "yep, in laws".

Wife: look at that drunk guy.

Husband: who is he?

Wife: 10 years ago he proposed to me and I rejected him.

Husband: Oh my God! He's still celebrating!

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it has been eaten.

It's called a wedding cake!

-6
#476 3 years ago

What’s the best thing about having sex with twenty six year olds???
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.... there’s twenty of them.

#477 3 years ago
Quoted from Lounge:

What’s the best thing about having sex with twenty six year olds???
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.... there’s twenty of them.

Really? I like a joke as much as the next person but who is supposed to find this funny, exactly?

#478 3 years ago
Quoted from Eightball88:

Really? I like a joke as much as the next person but who is supposed to find this funny, exactly?

John Trudeau?

#479 3 years ago

George Carlin joke: I never fucked a 10. But one night I did five 2's.

-2
#480 3 years ago
Quoted from Eightball88:

Really? I like a joke as much as the next person but who is supposed to find this funny, exactly?

It’s a joke, daddy.

#481 3 years ago
Quoted from Lounge:

It’s a joke, daddy.

I am nobody’s daddy, literally. And I am not really offended, so much as surprised that anybody’s idea of their best joke (pinball-related or otherwise) involves laughing about sex with 6 year olds.....and that they would post it on a public forum!

So....hardy har har good one, I guess...

#482 3 years ago
Quoted from Lounge:

It’s a joke, daddy.

It's a goof joke!

#483 3 years ago

What do walruses & Tupperware have in common? The both like a tight seal.

#484 3 years ago

^That reminds me...

What's the difference between a walrus and a lesbian?
One has a mustache and smells like fish. The other is a walrus.

#485 3 years ago

What's the difference between a woman kneeling in prayer and a woman kneeling in the bathtub? The first one has "hope in her soul".....

#486 3 years ago

What's the difference between a midget lawyer, and a hooker with syphilis? One is a "cunning runt" ....

#487 3 years ago

What do you call a hooker with no legs ?

Half off.

LTG : )

#488 3 years ago

OK, What's the difference between a three ring circus and a chorus line? The first is a "cunning array of stunts". LOL

#489 3 years ago

Okay, in keeping with the current theme... a boy has a paper to write for school on the difference between Theory and reality, he's just not getting it so he asks his dad ,"what's the difference between Theory and reality"? The dad responds,"that's easy son, go ask your older sister if she would sleep with anyone for $500,000"? So the young boy asks his sister and she responds" hell yes, in a New York minute, I wouldn't think twice about it". The boy returns to his father and tells him what she said, and he says," now do you get it"? No responds the boy, so the father says,"okay, go ask your mother the same question". So the boy asked his mother ,"mom, would you sleep with anyone for $500,000"?The mom says,"absolutely, in a heartbeat, you better believe I would". So the boy returns to his father and tells him what his mother said. The father says,"now do you understand the difference between Theory and reality"? No says the boy. Well it's simple son says the father ,"in theory, we're sitting on a million bucks here, in reality ...we live with a couple of whores"!

#490 3 years ago
Quoted from LTG:

What do you call a hooker with no legs ?
Half off.
LTG : )

It wouldn't matter, she wouldn't come anyway.

#491 3 years ago

A boy on a bicycle has been hit by a car and is laying in the middle of the road. A guy runs up and says "Oh no, do you want me to call a doctor?". The boy says " You don't understand, I'm hurt really bad". Man says " Well, do you want me to call an ambulance?". The boy says " You don't understand, I'm dying. The man says " Well, do you want me to call a priest"? The boy looks at him and says " Mister, this is no time to be thinking about sex".

#492 3 years ago

So a group of bank robbers successfully robbed a bank, but didn’t have the time count their money right away. The leader told the gang to wait for the nightly news, as the news will definitely reveal the amount.

Later that night, the news came out about the robbery. To the gangs’ surprise, the amount reported was at least 5 times more than what they robbed!

How is this possible?

You are welcome to guess!

(This is a Chinese humor, btw.....)

#493 3 years ago

The person who guessed correctly gets to pocket the difference!

#494 3 years ago
Quoted from PeeCee68:

The person who guessed correctly gets to pocket the difference!

Someone at the bank took the opportunity to get a little extra for themselves.

Many times in history post Civil War to the 1930's, that well known bank robbers were accused of robbing banks, that they were never at or even near. Grab some money, call the police, claim famous bank robbers just left.

LTG : )

#495 3 years ago
Quoted from LTG:

Someone at the bank took the opportunity to get a little extra for themselves.
Many times in history post Civil War to the 1930's, that well known bank robbers were accused of robbing banks, that they were never at or even near. Grab some money, call the police, claim famous bank robbers just left.
LTG : )

You are on the right track! But the true humor (this is more of a satirical humor and not a joke...) is really about WHO pocketed the difference.

The humor can be found in the response of the gang leader:

“What @#$& !! We risked our lives and possible imprisonment, and we only got a tiny slice! That god damn branch manger made out like a pig with just a few keystrokes!”.

The true humor, sadly, is how many people in China can easily guess who done it. It is easy to guess because embezzlement is so commonplace. So the humor lies in the ‘of course, it must have been.....’ moment when one realizes who really must have pocketed the difference....

#496 3 years ago
Quoted from LTG:

Someone at the bank took the opportunity to get a little extra for themselves.
Many times in history post Civil War to the 1930's, that well known bank robbers were accused of robbing banks, that they were never at or even near. Grab some money, call the police, claim famous bank robbers just left.
LTG : )

Congrats! You get to pocket a slice of the loot, as promised! Hehehehe, I pocket the rest! Just because I am “that” branch manager!!!

#497 3 years ago

A guy walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a drink. He says to the bartender; "see that guy down at the end of the bar? He's a real douchebag." The bartender says, "why do you say that?" The guy says, "Just trust me. He's a douchebag". The bartender says, "Well, I don't think that's very nice. I'm going to buy him a drink". So the bartender walks down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey fella. I'm going to buy your next drink. What'll ya' have?". The guy replies; "I'll have a vinegar and water."

#498 3 years ago
Quoted from PeeCee68:

You are on the right track! But the true humor (this is more of a satirical humor and not a joke...) is really about WHO pocketed the difference.

The humor can be found in the response of the gang leader:

“What @#$& !! We risked our lives and possible imprisonment, and we only got a tiny slice! That god damn branch manger made out like a pig with just a few keystrokes!”.

Not knowing who was there right then. Could have been bank president, manager, teller, or even a janitor.

LTG : )

#499 3 years ago
Quoted from PeeCee68:

So a group of bank robbers successfully robbed a bank, but didn’t have the time count their money right away. The leader told the gang to wait for the nightly news, as the news will definitely reveal the amount.
Later that night, the news came out about the robbery. To the gangs’ surprise, the amount reported was at least 5 times more than what they robbed!
How is this possible?
You are welcome to guess!
(This is a Chinese humor, btw.....)

If the bank reported a robbery where nothing was actually taken, this could explain the math. 5x0=0.

#500 3 years ago

Two bored casino dealers are working the crap table.

A very attractive blonde woman walks up and bets twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

Glancing a them coyly, She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she strips from the neck down, rolls the dice and yells, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice come to a stop, she jumps up and down squealing... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

Ecstatic; she hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departs....

After watching her cross the casino and head out the doors, the dealers turn and stare at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asks, "What did she roll?"

The other one answers, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

LTG : )

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