I can't remember which movie this was from:

When the tough get going, the weak get screwed.

I have to go to the store to get some more bad habits.

(me 2 times a week)

If you shake it more than 3 times, then you are playing with it.

(just something stupid this dude I used to work with used to say).

If you are on time you are late. (something I used to hear when working for someone).

(not at all my favorite quotes, but just old bs that I just remembered).

Shit Happens!

Why can't we all just get along.

Heeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeee's Johnny!

I'm gonna BBQ your ass!

Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.

"one legged man in an ass kicking contest"

Captain Phil Harris (RIP) used to say that a lot.

"see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil"

Wind out of the East, the fish bite the least.

Wind out of the West, the fish bite the best.

(I want to take the boat out fishing, but I just looked and mostly East winds here the next 10 days).

(may just go anyway to goof off).

My brother from another mother.

This Bud's For You!

It just doesn't get any better than this!

We stare because we care!

just asking for a friend.

Money can't buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.

Forgive your enemy, but remember the b^$+erd$ name.

Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they are in trouble again!

Alcohol does not solve problems, but neither does milk.

From a funny thing about rules to remember in life.

Pull my finger. (sorry, I am of witty ones at the moment).

Life is like a box of chocolates.

Marriage is the leading cause of divorce.

You can trust me.

Today could be the day!

I have been up since the crack of noon.

(I had totally forgot about this one, even though I have had so much fun with it for 20 years).

Hold my beer and watch this!

The only thing you have to fear is fear itself.

I don't know.

(the crazy things my girlfriend asks I have to say those 3 words often).

fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me

We never get too old to learn.

(a relative says that all the time and it drives me nuts)

I just found a few good ones:

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I love that song that says, "life sucks and then you die".

With the advantage of direct deposit, I no longer live from paycheck to paycheck!! I now live from direct deposit to direct deposit!!

For whatever reason while ago I remember an old man once saying something like: "ain't no skin off my ass".

Also: "he ain't shit".

Also: "if you shake it more than 3 times, you are playing with it".

I was born a poor black child.

Steve Martin, from the movie The Jerk. (I love that movie).

I always like this song quote:

I thought I was a hero, she rated me a zero, said honey child you're not through.

A mind is a terrible thing to waist.

Sticks out like a sore thumb.

(I cut the crap out of my thumb while ago).

Easy come, easy go.

The only thing that is guaranteed in your lifetime is death and taxes.

A mind is a terrible thing to waist.

(Forgot where I seen that).

Hell No!

(Little Johnny)

Don't put things off until tomorrow that you can actually wait another week or month to take care of.

My favorite quote that I have been using recently:

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You can't fix stupid.

When I want your opinion, I will give it to you.

(I think I heard that in a movie a very long time ago).