I used to think that the brain was the most important part of the body...then I realized who was telling me that.

An old joke is told about a self-absorbed actor who then says, “But enough enough about me. Let’s talk about you. What do you think about me?”

"Never treat someone as a priority when all you are to them is an option."

Things work out best for the people who make the best of the way things work out.

"No! That’s not true at all. Elvis takes fifty percent of everything I earn." Col. Parker

"Wise men don't need advice and a fool won't take it" ~ Benjamin Franklin

"An offence will always be found by those who search hard enough to find it."

“Sexy is using a feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken”

To argue with the fool makes two.

Marriage is like a deck of cards…. In the beginning you need two hearts and a diamond…. By the end you wish you had a club and a spade.

"He who drinks a fifth on the 4th, may not be able to go forth on the 5th"

"Walked five miles to school and back, uphill both ways. No, really, I have pictures." MC Escher

A drunk mans words are a sober mans thoughts.

′′While you look at another woman, your friend admires yours...”
— William Shakespeare

"My girlfriend is bisexual, I have to buy her something before she gets sexual."
Rodney Dangerfield

When you are given everything, nothing has worth.

History is a lie agreed upon. ~Napoleon

"Being cheap is VERY expensive!" Not sure if that one was mentioned here yet. It is a truism though.

"Misogyny is a man feeling the same way about women that they feel about each other."~Unknown

Truth does not mind being questioned.
A lie does not like to be challenged.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too. ~Mitch Hedberg

"The British invaded the world for their spices and put none of them in their food." ~unknown~

“Your attitude towards failure determines your attitude after failure” ~~John C. Maxwell

I didn't say I was glad he died but I did approve of the funeral~Mark Twain