(Topic ID: 236890)

What, if anything, to say to significant other...


By holminone

11 months ago



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  • Latest reply 11 months ago by underlord
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There are 84 posts in this topic. You are on page 1 of 2.
#1 11 months ago

Interesting story. Kind of fun and kind of sad at the same time. I recently acquired a DILE many years after selling 2 of my 3 machines. My wife thinks I’m crazy and stupid. I don’t openly talk about this passion and keep things pretty much between myself, my kids, and their friends.

So last night, we had two friends over for dinner. We’re drinking lots of wine, listening to music, sharing fun stories etc. Having a good time. Talking about Pinball or my Dialed In was the last thing on my mind, as I generally think people don’t get it. I would rather avoid the ridicule and or avoid having to rationalize my irrational behavior. This is where things get interesting.

Later in the evening at around 10:30, my wife to my surprise brings up this acquisition to which everyone gets immediately interested. I got kind of excited because everybody wanted to see it. My friend Steve sees the machine all lit up, and I think his jaw hit the floor a bit truly like a kid in a candy store. He asked me under breath as the girls were talking good questions like where I got it, how much it cost etc.

So we’re playing four players and people are laughing and having a good time. My wife however, as she’s playing is commenting how stupid it is, and how much she hates pinball, pinball machines, and how she sucks at pinball putting kind of this awkward grey cloud over everything. It was super weird. It started to suck the interest out of the room and I found myself having to defend. I explained it’s unfortunate that we don’t have enough time to explore more than 5% of the game because it really is special etc. etc. but the damage was done.

So at the end, this is kind of a sad story. And the funny thing this is the second time she’s done it. She did it like three or four weeks ago with another couple of friends. In that instance she had been actively complaining to her friend over dinner and of course when everyone came back to the house the friends wife wanted to see this stupid machine.

My question to the community is do I even bring this up or do I let it slide? My wife is amazing in every other dimension. Seriously, she is the most amazing person ever. She only has two flaws, the one I describe here and she doesn’t like the Beatles. If I bring it up, my wife will never ever mention my machines again to any other guests and a real risk she washes her hands of it entirely. If I let it slide, there is a small chance she might one day be captured by the charm and wonder of the challenge.

What would you do?

#2 11 months ago

If u let it slide, it will continue. It will fester like an open wound. You need to cauterize this now. In a nice way.

-4
#3 11 months ago

I once had a wife with sand in her Vag., Once

#4 11 months ago

I think the real issue is you may have given up on explaining the rules of the game to her.
Like any board game or card game some people hate them until they learn the rules of the game so that they don't suck at it. It's no fun if you don't know the particular achievements to try and get to and always losing.
Best of luck trying to free your wife's mind.
-Mike

27
#5 11 months ago

Bring it up: anything that can bother you like this should be brought up before you start feeling resentment.

Also let go of the idea of her being into this hobby with you. Most wives are not into it. Heck, most people are not into it. In the end it is not all that important (or likely) that your wife will share all your passions, just important that she respects them and you respect hers.

#6 11 months ago

Do you bag on her hobby’s? My wife collects handbags and I think it is insane but that is her thing. I don’t tell her how stupid her bags are and she respects the game room. Without knowing your economic situation it is tough. Are the game causing financial hardship? This could be a reason for the disdain. At the end you gotta both have hobbies and respect them.

#7 11 months ago

Your wife may be jealous of the time you spend on the machine. Talk to her about that; make some dates, go out, do something exciting. Makes that shit go away in a hurry

#8 11 months ago

Does your wife have any hobbies? And how do you feel about them? Do you think that maybe she feels this is something you'll lose interest in and then she'll be stuck looking at two pinball machines in her home that just collect dust? My advice is to talk to her about it and she'll come around.

In my case, my wife also doesn't quite understand my obsession but tolerates it -- mostly because she has her own costly hobby (competitive horseback riding) which I have been fully supportive of for more than 30 years. She does resist whenever I want to buy a machine or go to an event that conflicts with something she wants to do, but we work it out. I'm still pretty new to all this, so there's definitely an element of her belief that I'll lose interest. Recently I made a trade of one of my machines that she really liked (a Scared Stiff for a NIB Beatles -- my wife likes the Beatles) and sold another machine for more than the purchase price. Those events helped her understand a bit more.

It's a process...

#9 11 months ago

The word respect comes to mind. My fiancé does not get into my affliction(s) at least most of them he shebis respecrdul of them as I am of hers. She will occasionally play a game or two with me and I enjoy that. Bottom line is this in my mind. Respect. Why would anyone who supposedly cares about another disrespect in this manner. You’re not selling drugs for God’s sake. This speaks to a deeper level here. She could easily smile and say it’s really not my thing but I am happy for my companion as I know it brings him happiness. Isn’t that a reasonable thing to say. Sucking all the air out of the room is not acceptable in any way. Again, she may be a wonderful person but this really is in my mind an aspect of a personality that needs attention by someone who can bridge the divide. This is not something that should be swept under the rug as it will likely manifest itself again in another area in another way. This is an important discussion to have quietly and calmly but it must be addressed.

#10 11 months ago

If it’s the only issue in your marriage, deal with it. It’s a bummer, but honestly it’s small potatoes. Everyone else will still be interested

I guarantee you have it better than Steve. Here’s the conversation he had on the way home. “Y’know, that game was kind of cool. What would you think if we got one.” “No way. Where the hell do think it is going? How much do they cost anyway?” Steve “10k”. What? Are you nuts?”

Take the good with the bad

#11 11 months ago

Wait, you went DOWN games to get DI and still got hit in nuts in front of friends?!

Not good.

She’s frustrated about something else.
Sit her down and set it straight.

#12 11 months ago

I would bring it up. A good formula for such things is “when you did (do) X, it made me feel Y”.

#13 11 months ago

Don't fall for her trap. Next time she brings it up with company present just say that it's your hobby and you really enjoy it but she doesn't share your interest. If they want to see it tell them it would be better at another time. Move on to next topic of discussion.

-16
#14 11 months ago

Sounds toxic. Sell all your pins. See if she feels guilty. If not, get a new hobby. It doesn’t have to be goodbye- just a break from pinball for the greater good. People change, my wife and I are miles away from the people we were as newlyweds.

22
#15 11 months ago
Quoted from Trogdor:

Sounds toxic. Sell all your pins. See if she feels guilty. If not, get a new hobby. It doesn’t have to be goodbye- just a break from pinball for the greater good. People change, my wife and I are miles away from the people we were as newlyweds.

This is childish advice.

Have a talk with her, you guys are married adults. Find out what is going on and try to fix it.

#16 11 months ago

I would bring it, but I have no idea how since I always fuck it up no matter how tactful I try to be in these situations. calling your game stupid is really nasty and hurtful. My wife used to criticize me only in front of friends but not when we were alone. I eventually convinced her that this was an ugly thing to do to her spouse.

At least my wife likes pinball and had no qualms when I told her I wanted to buy a Houdini (her jaw dropped when she heard the price). She was also totally agreeable to travel to TPF with me. Although she does beat my friends and I on a regular basis.

Ah maybe that will help. let her beat you....

#17 11 months ago

I kinda want a Dialed In now

#18 11 months ago

Remind her of the saying “If you don’t have anything nice to say.....”...and next time only fire up a 3 player game............Joey...ps...really it’s not about pinball per-say...just flip the script...ask her how she would feel if when a couple was over and all of yours were doing something she likes...and you shit all over it while everyone was having a good time...any good marriage has 2 open lines of communication....21 years strong here...mine hates pinball...(a lot)...but she knows how much I love it and so she tolerates it (quietly...lol)...good luck...!!!

-14
#19 11 months ago
Quoted from thirdedition:

This is childish advice.
Have a talk with her, you guys are married adults. Find out what is going on and try to fix it.

Okay, I guess I have childish reading skills and childish empathy as well. You really think they haven’t talked about it? Knob..

Sell the pins.

16
#20 11 months ago

Happy wife happy life.

Happy husband.. .. Nobody cares

#21 11 months ago

Likely she knows it’s cool but won’t admit it (that’s why the others had a great time) but she doesn’t want you to get any attention or take the spotlight away from things she likes (that are more ‘grown up’ in her eyes).

#22 11 months ago

My wife doesn't like pinball either but she understands that I do

-1
#23 11 months ago

Sell the pins, feed your habit at a local barcade. Bring her along, maybe she will enjoy that atmosphere a bit more, or at least will cut you a little bit of slack.

#24 11 months ago
Quoted from thirdedition:

This is childish advice.
Have a talk with her, you guys are married adults. Find out what is going on and try to fix it.

It's truly this simple. Communication is the key to a healthy marriage; Not some passive-aggressive stunt.

#25 11 months ago
Quoted from Trogdor:

Okay, I guess I have childish reading skills and childish empathy as well. You really think they haven’t talked about it? Knob..
Sell the pins.

Considering the title of the thread is "What, if anything, to say to significant other." No I don't think they have. I also fail to see how selling the pins helps in any way. You even said to do it to see if she feels bad. That is juvenile in my opinion.

#26 11 months ago

First off...the title, "What, if anything, to say to significant other..."

I knew instantly.
Many of us have this issue, lol.

1) Are you able to pay your bills and help provide for your family? If yes, then it shouldn't be of much concern.

2) Does she respect you and your interests? The tenants of EVERY relationship are trust and respect. No 2 people would spend their money in that exact same way. If you are paying your bills and you are buying a machine with extraneous money (spending on something you really like)...she should respect that.

3) Share your hobby. Explain to her what interests you have in pinball (lights, callouts, challenges, excitement, etc) Tell her the rules of the game and have her play with you and challenge you, if possible.

4) She may see it as throwing money away, but pinballs have value...and they often hold value very well. A game like DI is a modern classic, and will likely increase in value...so it could actually be seen as an investment (while you enjoy playing it, none the less)

5) She likely has a hobby or passion that she spends money on, so put it in those terms to her. My wife likes knick-knacks. She spends a few dollars here and there, which add up to a lot. She didn't see it that way until i brought it up. She had a problem with the high dollar amount of pinballs...but when i explained to her that she spent the same (only spread out over a lot of little items), it clicked. There is also the fact that pinballs re-sell very well, whereas knick-knacks do NOT. So...it is actually better spent money in the long run.

At the end of the day...this all has to do with control. She is attempting to control how you spend your money (I am assuming it is your money, and not hers).
If you are making enough to not struggle, your needs are met, and this is how you spend your discretionary income...she should respect that. If she can't, then she doesn't respect you.

#27 11 months ago

Understanding her feelings is first.

Sometimes that is all it is.....It could be Power, or Money, in Most cases, along with Control.
It might not be possible to see your joy, but that is what is important.
If its Money, of course share the small loss, is worth all the joy...golf, outings....all things cost.
If its about Power/Control....thats a unique dance among couples.
I do agree, as I have learned, talking down about ones spouse in front of others is particular
hurtful, and having that respect for each other is most important.

#28 11 months ago

One of the good things about having your own pinball machines at your home is that you're home. You're not out barhopping or going to a strip joint. You enjoy your time at home and your significant other would be happy you're there as well I would think. Whenever I say I'm going downstairs to play some pin, she knows I want some alone time with my favorite hobby (not with some stripper).............

#29 11 months ago
Quoted from holminone:

My wife is amazing in every other dimension. Seriously, she is the most amazing person ever.

I say talk to her about it over a nice dinner for two, for the most amazing person in the world is one that will support you and things you enjoy to do whether she enjoys doing it or not. Just like I'm sure she must enjoy nail spa's or shoe shopping etc... we don't get that but we support them if they wish to do so and always compliment them on their choices.

#30 11 months ago

Definitely talk with her about it, but refrain from criticizing her. Stick to how you feel. Also explain what the hobby does for you in terms of joy, interest, etc to paint a clear picture of how you experience the world of pinball and why you have machines of your own. It is important that she knows that pinball=joy for you and that it makes you feel...(insert your description here) to have your interests denigrated.

#31 11 months ago

I would start off with something along the lines of, "I understand that this is my hobby, but part of the enjoyment I get out of it is sharing it with others."

#32 11 months ago

It kind of sounds like she’s roping your friends into seeing your pins then trashing on them hoping your friends will take her side in hopes to change you. Women love changing men! It’s a fact of life. So next time it’s brought up go along with it, say ‘yes I know I’m a nerd and weird for liking such an obscure hobby but I’d rather be at home playing pinball than out at bars playing’. Hopefully a comment like that will resonate in that there are worse hobbies and worse things you could be doing.

#33 11 months ago

Sorry that your wife doesn't share your compassion for pinball. Mine is happy that I like them and she goes to the Expo with me and just stays in the hotel room with a book or watching TV (she likes that just fine). Last year she went through the rooms with me as I wanted her to see the new games I was telling her about. I'd also say talk it out and get to the root of why she feels that way and then the both of you reach a measure of compromise as it sounds like an otherwise good relationship. Life can be so complex even over the smallest things. I find that amazing.

#34 11 months ago

Chicks! Am I right?

#35 11 months ago

Wow, what a pain in the ass. I would have called my wife out while our friends were over if she was pulling such nonsense.

Do you have enough money to pay your bills?

Does your home need repairs that you are ignoring?

Is there any reason she may resent the machine?

Find out what would cause her to act out like that.

#36 11 months ago

I would simply say “look, I understand you’re not passionate for pinball, but I am. I won’t drag you into machine rules and themes etc. I was only doing it because of our friends. So I understand you don’t like it, but that doesn’t mean you should sit there and bash me and my hobby in front of everyone. I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t, ok?”

I’d also buy another machine.

#37 11 months ago

If my wife did that to me. I would say straight to her face WTF? However, I do not know your situation. Or how you communicate with eachother.
Apparently you don't know either.

Belittling something someone is passionate about isn't cool.
Especially if the person doing it is supposed to have your back.

#38 11 months ago

Get rid of the wife and acquire more pins

#39 11 months ago

I would play the long game here. Start looking into collecting classic cars. But not cheap ones. Spend a few months dragging her to car shows and express an interest in the jaguars. Start looking at rare projects online.
When she thinks you are well and truly hooked and ready to drop 60k on a car that needs 100k of work tell her that you'll give up on the car and stick with pinball but only if she stops being captain buzzkill about it.

#40 11 months ago
Quoted from Trogdor:

Sounds toxic. Sell all your pins. See if she feels guilty. If not, get a new hobby. It doesn’t have to be goodbye- just a break from pinball for the greater good. People change, my wife and I are miles away from the people we were as newlyweds.

Are you out of your mind with this advice? I am sorry dude but you had better go look in your wife's purse, you might find your balls. Not the silver ones either.

#41 11 months ago

Sounds like you have a passive aggressive partner.

#42 11 months ago

What's she into? You could just start rippin that apart. Or just tell her to plug her bong hole about it.

#43 11 months ago

My wife doesn’t care about pinball but we are talking about a retirement house for down the road one thing we are certain of it must have a large gameroom for me.

#44 11 months ago

You shouldnt have to feel this way about something that is near and dear to you. Think about that for a minute......

#45 11 months ago

I think you should get a Stern Beatles pinball machine and turn the volume up as loud as it goes

#46 11 months ago
Quoted from phoenixpin:

I kinda want a Dialed In now

Hahahaha . Good one

#47 11 months ago

I suspect she was being quite scheming and devious... there is a possibility she mentioned the pin around others as a means to build up a peer group of ridicule (having others fight her battles). When this backfired (and others supported your interests in pinball), she tried a different approach. Worrying.

12
#48 11 months ago

Run bro, we already know how this story ends.

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#49 11 months ago

Thanks for all the suggestions! Definitely not selling anything. I had a talk with her and it turns out she’s upset about three things. First is the space that is housing my pins does not jive with her vision for the space. She thought the STTNG looked cool. The DILE blew up her furniture plan. Second is the space is in disarray. It’s not unusual for her to see things like multimeters and such. Third is the cost but she understands my position of the DILE being somewhat liquid with little downside financial risk.

So my path forward is simple. Clean up and reorganize the space so the DILE gets the treatment it deserves so she doesn’t get anxiety. Clean up my shiite in general.

I do that and she’ll maintain an open mind and not throw stones.

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