(Sung to 'Right Said Fred' by Bernard Cribbins)

Right said And, we need an innovation
Transparent screen tech, that's the way to go.
Was a prism, what a load of jism,
My eyesight went haywire
And then he broke the bloody screen and

Right said And, I'll do a presentation,
Unveil Circe, explain it to the proles.
Was a dead loss, hung up on the mythos,
Not quick or high-concept
And so I went and had a cry and

Andrew had a think and he said "look Dave,
My feet are getting itchy
From advice said by Mark Ritchie
Even JPop admits that he thinks the idea's shit"

And right said And, we'd better change the theme then
Need a fast one, we've got a game with flow.
Started pacing, wasn't keen on racing,
Another plan like that on the go,
But then Andrew declared that we'd do some motorbikes
And I went "oh no".

Right said And, the loop accelerator,
That's our main mech, you've got to make it go.
Out of its box looked just like a big cock
Phil* and I went "NO WAY"
And then we took some dick pics with it

Right said And, I want some flyers printed,
Early '13 release at a show.
Two years later not a sweet potater,
Promo work went nowhere
And so we faced insolvency and

Andrew said "it's time to throw the annual UK Pinball Party
Which we'll hold at the factory
And we'll save some cash even though it looks slapdash"

And right said And, we've got to get this game out,
Spruce it up quick before we meet our doom.
By committee playfield art looks shitty,
Worked my ass off to make it bloom,
Until Andrew launched Alien to get preorder funds
And FT went boom.

(*Phil Docker)

'So I said to Roger, "We'll just have to make a fresh start of it, that's all. You see the trouble with Andrew was, he's too arsey. You never get nowhere if you're too arsey."'

Full Throttle did turn out a decent game, but everything that happened there during development is true.

This is the original song:

You guys realise this was a gag, right? A song pastiche with factual lyrics? Written that way because it was funny?

Oh well, it rolled them in the aisles on UK Pinball Info.

It's all true. And if you think I'm dining off the chain loop accelerator anecdote for years, I haven't got to Andrew's original 'chestburst' idea for Alien yet, it's even more hilariously unintentionally NOPE.

Other side. Andrew wanted a flesh-coloured 'torso' mounted over the reverse ramp that would have let the ball through via a flap.

I DO NOT NEED TO TELL YOU WHAT THAT WOULD HAVE LOOKED LIKE.

My immediate and vocal response to the idea was 'I AM NOT PUTTING A SHITTING ARSE ON THIS GAME'. And that was being *charitable*.