My list of hate is long... but its not titles.
This is humor folks, so don't panic... you have been warned.
Ok, what I hate in pinball (Not in any particular order...)
Broken anything, but broken flippers? Come on guys... give it a little effort, huh?
Any mode that switches left and right flipper buttons. Nope. Let that crap time out. Or stand on your head on the lockbar backwards, your choice. (Don’t waste any time thinking about that, it don’t work, trust me)
Shakers that set off tilts. Talk about “Edging”... a shaker is not supposed to edge your tilts people. Just saying...
Hair trigger Tilts set with a feeler gauge. Really, guys? I thought LESS damage to the machine is what you are going for?
Unlevel playfield left to right. Seriously? So right orbit to left sling seems fine to you? Yeah...ah... No.
Floaters. And, no, not the kind left in backwash, but the kind you get when someone puts the legs on backwards. Anyone got a wrench?
Anyone who leaves a pin on its legs in the bed of a pickup truck while moving it, although they end up getting theirs eventually. RIP poor pinball machines.
Operators who leave their number on a card behind the glass... “This number is no longer in service...please check the number and dial again, or ask your OPERATOR for assistance”... ok that is just a massive dose of IRONY dudes...
People who refuse to play doubles. I get it but, can’t we take turns having fun instead of me breathing down your neck until you to get pissed off and leave? “Don’t walk away angry... just walk away.” (I wait patiently though, I’m not a dick)
People who want to play doubles... haha, just seeing if you are paying attention.
People who think the answer to every pinball problem can be solved with a used pack of matches. Ok, for keeping the coin door jammed shut, and as a makeshift contact cleaner, but that ain't ever keeping a machine level while I play it.
Sticky flippers, sticky flipper buttons, or worse, something sticky on the buttons... Ewww...
Crap jammed in the coin slots thinking that it is somehow helping. Unless its jammed with quarters, then bang that coin door and punch the rejects folks, because I am getting rich... ok, well maybe enough for a couple of games, but certainly not enough for college tuition, although that would have come in handy back then.
Fluids on the glass... just... no. I will spare the details, but drinks on a machine, just not a fan. Add the word “bodily” to that and it jumps from a solid “NOPE!” up to “No effin’ Way”... Don’t move, I’ll go get you a towel...
Cigarette burns on the lockbar, cabinet, flipper buttons?!? Yeah, seen it firsthand, and yes, he did burn his fingers too. Hell of a ball before he lost it while screaming “F-this and F-that”... just like Stallone, he had his balls cupped just a little bit too long. I couldn’t stop laughing. I told him not to smoke and flip, but would he listen to me, noooooo.
Missing plunger tips. I was going to poke fun at my friend Dave until he reminded me my tip was missing too. Touche.
Broken rubbers, although broken flipper rubbers are not nearly as big a life changing event as the other kind.
Machines set for more than a buck a play. Its a game of pinball, not a full body massage. And get your mind out of the gutter, I was talking about those $5 massage chairs in the mall.
Machines with the volume set to “Felonious”. I get it, you like your “Number of the Beast” at spine liquifying decibel levels, but when I can physically feel my sperm count drop as I play, that is too loud.
Machines with a 1000 Watt external subwoofer. I want a little rumble, not calls from the Siesmic Reporting Agency telling me I was the epicenter of a major earthquake. If my hands and feet feel numb after playing, thats more than a just little rumble dude, thats outright nerve damage.
Seizure inducing LEDs. Get with the program folks. This is not Americas Most Haunted... I should not have to guess where the ball is when I flip. Ghosting LEDs are so 2018.
Color changing LED’s. The random cycling of the color just reminds me of the random firings of the neurons in your brain when you decided to put these in your machine.
Color GI LED’s done wrong... and really, has anyone really ever got it 100% right? I have seen some interesting uses of LEDs in pinball, but GI lighting is one that must be done “delicately” to quote the old witch. It is unfortunate that some people use a jackhammer and a sledge to change out their tungsten lamps for LEDs, though. Anyone got an icepick and cup of water? My retinas are on fire.
Purple and fuchia LEDs in abundance. This one puzzles me... I can’t tell if they are going for Best Drag Queen of the show, or if they are just “Fabulous” and want to share it with the world. My problem is the color, though, not their orientation. Just like me, not every pinball machine looks good in drag. You just can not unsee that Demolition Man though... <shudder>
Thanks for coming everybody. Try the veal, I’m here till next Thursday (literally... since, like, flying to TPF and all...)
And I am keeping my day job, just in case any of you are worried.