How come every JJP thread devolves into a three sided piss fest that reminds me more of the Three Stooges, than the Three Amigos? Right now, if you lined all the manufacturers up for a race, pulled the trigger on the starting gun, here is what would happen...
Good afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen, and Welcome to Pinside Raceway, It’s Post Time- This is Bublehead your Master of Ceremonies coming to you live from sunny Arizona, the weather is clear, the track is dry, and that’s the bugle as our competitors make their way to the starting gate. There’s the Number 1 filly, a fine contender, Steve Richie’s BKSoR, being ridden today by Gary Stern. Gary has been known to take center stage when the chips are down, and today is no exception.
Ok, and now I see the next horse coming up to the gate, Jersey Jack’s Dark horse Entry, WOZYBR, being riden by none other than Jack himself, you got to love his passion for competition. Jack has said some things that are going to drive the fans wild, but his love of Chocolate, Axle Rose, and High End Toys has given the media pause for reflection.
Ok, here comes CGC and their newest 20 year old, MBr, but wait, ok, yes, I seems CGC had some problems with their LE thouroughbred and had to substitute the CE yearling with a color chip upgrade... that is really going to impact their chances of winning here today.
Our next rider has been having some trouble with his mount, I can’t see, wait, yes, yes, it is API, seems they got their music and monkey issues ironed out and yes , here he is Oktoberfest, being riden by his original Jockey, Castrated Monkey, you got to respect the balls on Mr. Monkey for showing up here today.
Our next contestant is making their way to the chute... I can’t see the jockeys colors, wait, its white and pink silks with rainbow checkered chaps, yes it is the Multimophic entry, Lexy Lightspeed riding the mighty P3 steed. Boy there is a horse of a differnt color for you for sure.
Bringing up the rear, the final entries are making their way now to the gate... some of these horses I think were entered because this is a Claiming race, we have Dutch Pinball’s entry, The Big Lewbowski, unfortunately he looks a little lame today, he’s been favouring that left front foot that keeps ending up in someone elses mouth on a pretty regular basis.
Looks like a couple of others are struggling with their mounts in the chute, Homepin’s jockey is kicking the other jockeys and screaming “My mount is fun!” To anyone who will listen. His horse, TBag, however, seems to be living up to his well deserved name.
The last four entries are being forced into the shutes now, they are having dificulty getting The Jetsons, a non discript 2 year old to settle down in his gate, as well as Kingpin and The Mafia who have been shooting smoldering glances at each other and pantomiming throat cuts all morning.
Your final horse, ACNC, the latest mare from Spooky Farms decided to skip this race and play a game of TNA instead, probably a better use of their time as they are happy right where they are.
And there’s the bell and they are off!
JJP has jumped out to an amazing lead, Jack is really setting the pace this morning, followed closely by Gary on the outside, and CGC, with their Jockey Ryan bringing up the rear. The rest of the field is settling in for a decent afternoon run.
Jack has now pulled ahead, but he is facing some strong POTC headwinds as he rounds the first turn, CGC is nipping at his heals, and Gary has pulled in behind on the rail, followed by API, that Oktoberfest filly is really catching a stride.
The rest of the field is struggling to keep up the pace, but Labowski keeps chomping at his bit and DP is having trouble keeping him on the track. Mafia and Kingpin have broken out the handguns and the lead has started to fly... Watch it folks these guys are playing for blood.
Rounding the back turn, WOZYBR has been spooked by a flying monkey, and has turned and headed the wrong direction.. Gary has started whipping BKSoR like a red headed stepchild, and Ryan, on his 20 year old has been fading fast, falling behind by 160 lengths.
Mafia and Kingpin have given up completely, dismounting in the infield and breaking out switchblades, they are literaly at each others throats.
The Pinball Company has continued to not spare the whip as it brings up the rear, The Jetsons is just to much a vanilla flavored dark horse to actually compete. My gosh what fun.
Jack has finally got conrol of WOZYBR and turned her around and got her headed back in the right direction, but that u-turn reveal sure cost him the lead. Gary has seen the cracks in the veneer of that old yellow paint, and has redoubled his efforts, releasing a torrent of titles in hopes to put Jack and his aging steed finally out to pasture.
But don’t tear those tickets up just yet folks, Oktoberfest has finally caught his wind and is coming on strong from the inside rail. That monkey is whipping that poor stud so fast you cant even see where his hand is, how ironic.
As they round the final turn, its Gary out in front, Jersey Jack coming hard from the outside, and Ryan has his customers convinced the quality of the LE is worth waiting on and has MBrCE pushing for a photo finish...
Multimorphic has been hanging on by Lexy’s pink silks but a public cry of “Mhe” rings out from the crowd as she takes the forth turn and heads for home.
They are pounding for the end now, steel balls and rubber rings a flyin’, as each Jockey positions for a chance at that finish line. It’s neck and neck ladies and gentlemen, you can see the flashing siver of Gary’s mane as the pulsing vein in Jacks forhead swells with each thrash of the whip. Ryan has broken out his cell phone and is taking another call from an angry MBrLE customer, as Multimophic continues to try and be relevant. Oktoberfest has overcome his earlier mis-“handling” and is charging for finish.
Its Gary, its Jack, it’s CGC, its API... down to the wire and it’s...
Holy freaking COW!!! Ladies and Gentlman, Alien has broken through the club house gates and has started consuming the other contestants... He just bit the head of BKSoR and threw Oktoberfest into the stands, oh my god the carnage... Jack has dismounted and is running for the infield... Ooow! That’s got to hurt, can we get a medic to the infield please? Now it has Gary by his magnificent silver hair and, oh, I didn’t know an eyeball could do that... I’m sorry ladies, and gentlemen, this is just too much, oh the humanity, I am afriad I have to stop, this is just too awful....