(Topic ID: 296659)

Mom Leaving Dad at near 60

By RyanStl

3 months ago


Topic Heartbeat

Topic Stats

  • 85 posts
  • 47 Pinsiders participating
  • Latest reply 72 days ago by nwpinball
  • Topic is favorited by 2 Pinsiders

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There are 85 posts in this topic. You are on page 2 of 2.
#51 3 months ago

Let your stepdad know that its better she left and he has lots of time to pursue traveling etc and to enjoy life.

#52 3 months ago
Quoted from RyanStl:

How do I deal with talking her out of this nightmare? They are going to do counseling, but like everything it's months out. I know there are lots of details I can't get across, but I want some advice.

As someone whose parents also got divorced at a later age, my advice would be that you don't try to talk her out of anything.

It won't work anyway, and it will just drive a wedge between her and you. Not worth it.

Try to stay as neutral as you can and simply be there for either of them if they need you, and resist any temptation to talk shit about one of them to the other.

Do not take "sides" in this, even if you have your own opinion on whose "fault" it is. You don't know as much as you think you know about what is going on. Don't overthink things and try to understand it. You won't.

#53 3 months ago

My mom was married to her 5th husband for almost 20 years. He was a good guy until he got radicalized by a TV channel. My mom moved in with us for 3 years, and she lives with my brother in TX now. She’s MUCH better off.

#54 3 months ago
Quoted from pinballaddicted:

As hard as this is to hear, my life learning experiences tell me: You cannot control anyone else's feelings, thoughts and actions...

I learned this real quick when I was young, going thru a divorce, and I've never forgotten it. And if you think you can, it likely won't end well. At times, it's for the better in the long run for the party that wants to stay in a relationship to let it end, despite the their immediate feelings to work it out.

I've been happily remarried for almost 30 years now.

A little bit of a different scenario since it's a son that's affected - but it still holds true. You can't control individual's actions, even if it's your mother.

#55 3 months ago

Get your stepdad into pinball, get him to understand the rulsets, stacking etc..

You gain a competitive partner and if he starts collecting games, he never needs to use the excuse, 'wife wants them gone'.

#56 3 months ago
Quoted from swampfire:

My mom was married to her 5th husband for almost 20 years. He was a good guy until he got radicalized by a TV channel. My mom moved in with us for 3 years, and she lives with my brother in TX now. She’s MUCH better off.

was it WWE, duck dynasty or Oprah?

#57 3 months ago

Song says it all. Once that bond is gone….

#58 3 months ago
Quoted from trueno92:

was it WWE, duck dynasty or Oprah?

I saw a guy lose his wife and he started watching EWTN. The Catholic network. Dude went obsessed. It was the only thing he would allow on his TV, ended up going to “mass”, church for you heathens out there, seven days a week. Suffice it to say, I kinda lost touch with the guy. I’m glad we didn’t turn to drugs and booze but obsessive behavior towards anything isn’t healthy (pinball excluded).

#59 3 months ago

Man this is a huge subject that has no ends story wise. All I can say is I have several friends (at least 3 couples) that were married in the 20 to 30 year range where one of the persons just suddenly/all of a sudden asked for a divorce... no cheating, no explanation, nothing, just wanted to move on, even though the marriage seemed great to the person surprised when hit with the divorce papers/announcement. So anytime I hear someone say "my husband/wife would never leave me, I know them" it makes me think that no one should EVER think that way. Including me.

Best of luck to them both, hopefully they both find peace and happiness.

#60 3 months ago
Quoted from Frippertron:

I saw a guy lose his wife and he started watching EWTN. The Catholic network

Ah, I remember when my parents and grandmother were all about Mother Angelica and her network. About the same time they went all in on the Satanic Panic.
Yay for me, I was stuck with the fallout.

#61 3 months ago

I’ve seen reversals in much worse situations. Sometimes it just takes an honest opinion from someone sincere to wake someone up from their delusions. Others are quick to encourage a train wreck.

12
#62 3 months ago

Been married 32 years. I started thinking like your mom about my marriage and 5 years ago I reconnected with a high school classmate. We clicked on every level, at first. But as our affair went on and we talked of marriage, we started fighting here and there like a married couple. We thought it would be so different this time around and ignored the red flags of a long term relationship. New and different problems reared their ugly heads. Eventually me and my classmate both realized that we and our families would be happier long term going back to our spouses. I also realized that my adultery wasn't my spouse's fault, but mine. It was my own selfishness and unwillingness to work out my issues with my spouse where the fault was.

I turned to God for repentance and for help with my life choices. We both ended up back with our spouses and put in the effort with them that we had put into the affair. We both have happy marriages with our spouses, minus the pain we caused in our selfishness. Without turning to God I don't know how I would have handled the pain I caused my whole family and the pain of letting go of the other woman. He has healed myself and my family. In fact my marriage and family life is better than they've been in 15 years. I can see now that these things almost always bring misery in the wake of fleeting happiness. That's my experience. Hope it helps.

10
#63 3 months ago

Bang someone who isn’t your wife, find god.

Got it!

#64 3 months ago
Quoted from CrazyLevi:

Bang someone who isn’t your wife, find god.
Got it!

Can you say “David” a man after Gods own heart.

#65 3 months ago
Quoted from CrazyLevi:

Bang someone who isn’t your wife, find god.
Got it!

Clueless comment.

#66 3 months ago
Quoted from RobT:

Clueless comment.

I don’t know. I laughed.

#67 3 months ago
Quoted from jazc4:

Eventually me and my classmate both realized that we and our families would be happier long term going back to our spouses.

Did you actually leave your wife, or was it a secret affair? If the latter, did you tell her? It sounds like you did. My aunt was a housewife and I just wonder how much that plays into taking a spouse back? That's the ultimate betrayal unless it's an open marriage. So I would have trust issues and wonder if the partner that left me really loves me? But hey, she gave him her best years and has 30+ years invested in this, so maybe she's gonna stick it out for the security and the payoff when he probably dies first?

#68 3 months ago
Quoted from CrazyLevi:

Bang someone who isn’t your wife, find god.
Got it!

It's either that or a good attorney. God will forgive you everytime and he is much cheaper...

#69 3 months ago
Quoted from gambit3113:

I don’t know. I laughed.

Of course you did.

I mean, making fun of someone sharing their personal struggles is always good for a laugh, right?

#70 3 months ago
Quoted from jazc4:

Been married 32 years. I started thinking like your mom about my marriage and 5 years ago I reconnected with a high school classmate. We clicked on every level, at first. But as our affair went on and we talked of marriage, we started fighting here and there like a married couple. We thought it would be so different this time around and ignored the red flags of a long term relationship. New and different problems reared their ugly heads. Eventually me and my classmate both realized that we and our families would be happier long term going back to our spouses. I also realized that my adultery wasn't my spouse's fault, but mine. It was my own selfishness and unwillingness to work out my issues with my spouse where the fault was.
I turned to God for repentance and for help with my life choices. We both ended up back with our spouses and put in the effort with them that we had put into the affair. We both have happy marriages with our spouses, minus the pain we caused in our selfishness. Without turning to God I don't know how I would have handled the pain I caused my whole family and the pain of letting go of the other woman. He has healed myself and my family. In fact my marriage and family life is better than they've been in 15 years. I can see now that these things almost always bring misery in the wake of fleeting happiness. That's my experience. Hope it helps.

Thanks for the honesty. I'm glad it has worked out in the end.

I know people are saying don't try to talk her out of it, but it may be working. They are going to see a Gottmann counselor, but like everything it's a month an half out for availability.

-2
#71 3 months ago

Truest statement ever “marriage is only for insecure relationships”

If people were true to each other marriage would never have been invented.

#72 3 months ago
Quoted from RobT:

Of course you did.

I mean, making fun of someone sharing their personal struggles is always good for a laugh, right?

God's forgiveness isn't the hard part in asking forgiveness. I think that is what he was suggesting.

Screw around on your wife. Ask God for forgiveness, then ask your wife. Which was easier??

#73 3 months ago
Quoted from mcluvin:

Ask God for forgiveness, then ask your wife. Which was easier??

Read that post several times and sounds to me that it’s probably a safe bet to say that only God knows

#74 3 months ago
Quoted from JohnTTwo:

Truest statement ever “marriage is only for insecure relationships”
If people were true to each other marriage would never have been invented.

#75 3 months ago

We ditched religion. Made our marriage stronger, largely because in the absence of predefined roles and externally driven ideas of "god's will, " we had to instead learn to communicate honestly. Some ugly stuff came out, but in the end, we're much better. YMMV.
In regards to the OP, our memories are often warped with a rose colored lens. We interpret less complicated times with fewer responsibilities as better times, and forget the bad parts of people we don't interact with every day. It leads to things like affairs with old flames. From any perspective, theistic or otherwise, it is best to cut that shit out of you don't want trouble. And if you think your partner is headed down this path, start talking now before it's too late.
OTOH, a decision made emotionally is not particularly vulnerable to reason, so unless everyone is willing to talk, it's likely a losing proposition.

#76 3 months ago
Quoted from Rezdog:

Read that post several times and sounds to me that it’s probably a safe bet to say that only God knows

Maybe so. None of us are perfect and I can certainly understand if they got away with it, why bring it up? Just try to learn from your mistakes I suppose.

This thread reminds me of someone my wife knew. She was with a man who left his wife, but hadn't divorced yet, or updated his will, life insurance etc. He has a heart attack and is on life support. The wife signs the paperwork to pull the plug at first opportunity. He died. That is nasty, but I get it....

#77 3 months ago

The only things I can add are:

+1 to please seek counseling. That will help you navigate your emotions and give you tools in communicating your feelings and staying centered.

Your mom had a life before you were born, has feelings and from reading what you originally posted stated exactly how she is feeling and is acting on it. That's it. You can't change people. The expression "the heart wants what the heart wants" is very true at any age.

I assume you can take care of yourself and have an income stream. You can still invite your current step dad over and have a relationship with him if he will have it. That is independent of what your mom wants and none of her business.

In any case, you are in our thoughts and prayers and hope you find some peace and understanding. Good luck, my friend.

++Just read that mom is in counseling and hopefully with dad. Sounds good and wish everyone well.

#78 3 months ago
Quoted from RobT:

Of course you did.
I mean, making fun of someone sharing their personal struggles is always good for a laugh, right?

Yeah, I don’t think that boiling something down to it’s very essence is making fun of it, necessarily.

#79 3 months ago
Quoted from ThatOneDude:

We ditched religion. Made our marriage stronger, largely because in the absence of predefined roles and externally driven ideas of "god's will, " we had to instead learn to communicate honestly. Some ugly stuff came out, but in the end, we're much better. YMMV.
In regards to the OP, our memories are often warped with a rose colored lens. We interpret less complicated times with fewer responsibilities as better times, and forget the bad parts of people we don't interact with every day. It leads to things like affairs with old flames. From any perspective, theistic or otherwise, it is best to cut that shit out of you don't want trouble. And if you think your partner is headed down this path, start talking now before it's too late.
OTOH, a decision made emotionally is not particularly vulnerable to reason, so unless everyone is willing to talk, it's likely a losing proposition.

I like this alternative method, just goes to show there’s more than one way to skin a cat.

You can bang your high school crush 30 years later, then find god, and then get back with the wife.

Or, you can lose god, NOT bang your not wife, and stay with the wife.

It’s like a mix and match, there’s different ways to do it, and one way isn’t necessarily better than the other. Like, I’m considering finding god, and THEN cheating on the wife, but still seeing if we can get back together. Conversely, I’m thinking of having the wife cheat on me, and being so distraught that I lose God, and seeing how that works out.

Lots of possibilities here!

#80 3 months ago
Quoted from CrazyLevi:

I’m considering finding god, and THEN cheating on the wife

You’re married? Those pics you posted wearing your rethemed Redskins hat and PJs had a real bachelor vibe!

#81 3 months ago
Quoted from fosaisu:

You’re married? Those pics you posted wearing your rethemed Redskins hat and PJs had a real bachelor vibe!

"Domestic Partner" just doesn't have the same ring to it.

#82 3 months ago

You are in a very difficult situation. I wish you and your family happiness whatever the outcome. I started to use Aikido to take my mind away from the stress of my divorce. It helped me. You might try to involve your step dad in our hobby/addition of pinball.
Good luck!

3 weeks later
#83 72 days ago

Thanks all, my parents are in an intense Gottmann counciling and have been instructed to not talk to the kids about it. My mom cancelled her meetup across country with the ex-boyfriend in California after I talked to her and said my piece. I appreciate the advice and almost forgot about this thread until I saw the reference in the Confessional thread. I hope it will work out in the end. If not, at least I believe my mom tried with this Gottmann counseling, but I still believe she made a selfish choice that will be worse for her in the end.

Edit: Correct thread reference. I was catching up on the confessional and the deeproot thread.

#84 72 days ago

She’s giving it another thought which seems to be exactly what you were hoping for so I’d chalk it up as a win and in the end - if not support - tolerate whatever decision she makes in the end.

#85 72 days ago

Your parents are probably really talking to each other for the first time in years and have a lot of baggage to work through to see if their relationship is something they can save or not. Even if it doesn't work out, they are giving it a shot and likely will be better at relationships after putting in that work.

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