I've stayed away from this thread for over a week thinking it would die off. Man, this thing has spiraled down. At this point, I'm not sure if we have all been punked by John from the beginning. Or could this possibly all be legit? Assuming for a minute that this has been completely legit, I can't help but feel sorry for you John. I definitely don't have it all together. I've made many mistakes in life. Just as Pookycade illustrated so well, I'll never reach my full ambition either. But a life of God, peace, and family more than make up for it. Please stop and collect your thought. Get things in order, and then quietly go for that pinball dream. No need for you to tell us 90% of the extraneous info you've told on here.
I'll be praying for you and your family that you will find peace and direction.