(Topic ID: 203192)

Jokes for Pinheads and Pinside!


By OLDPINGUY

1 year ago



Topic Stats

  • 33 posts
  • 15 Pinsiders participating
  • Latest reply 1 year ago by bob_e
  • Topic is favorited by 4 Pinsiders

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    30
    #1 1 year ago

    Im sure there are plenty! Need some more laughs on the forum! Here you go!

    "Dear Lloyd, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs; The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with 'the girls' a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So I hid in the garage behind my Pinball Machines and waited for her.

    When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouched behind my Game of Thrones, that I noticed a hairline crack in the back box hinge. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole hinge?"

    10
    #2 1 year ago
    Quoted from OLDPINGUY:

    "Dear Lloyd, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

    Don't worry OLDPINGUY , I've seen your wife.

    Not to say she's fat. But to get groceries in your house, you need to divert her attention with rodeo clowns. If she fell out a window, she'd fall up. And she uses midgets with Parkinson's as vibrators.

    I'd weld that hinge.

    LTG : )

    #3 1 year ago

    The University of Florida did a recent study and narrowed the types of female orgasms to three.

    The positive : Oh yeah. oh yeah, oh yeah.
    The religious : Oh god, oh god, oh god.
    And the fake : Oh Art

    LTG : )

    #4 1 year ago
    Quoted from LTG:

    The University of Florida did a recent study and narrowed the types of female orgasms to three.
    The positive : Oh yeah. oh yeah, oh yeah.
    The religious : Oh god, oh god, oh god.
    And the fake : Oh Art
    LTG : )

    OUCH! You must be hanging outside my Window!

    Happy Thanksgiving!!

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    #5 1 year ago

    Hello is this XYZ pinball company tech support?

    Yes this is how can I help you?

    We just bought a new game and everything was working great, but we went to play the game today flipped the switch on and nothing happened.

    Oh no problem I can help you with that, do you know how to check the fuses?

    Yes I can do that, okay I checked them and I don’t find anything wrong with them I tried again and still nothing.

    Okay could you double check the wires inside of the game and just make sure that it doesn’t look like anything came unplugged?

    Yes I can do that, okay I have checked and I don’t find anything wrong with them I tried again and still nothing.

    Okay let’s just go ahead and check the outlet the game is plugged into could you go ahead and check it.

    Yes I can do that, but it’s under the machine and I’m going to need to go get a flashlight so I can see it’s pretty dark in here since the power is out.

    11
    #6 1 year ago

    A kid says to his father before he goes downstairs to play some pinball, "Pop, what's the difference between theory and reality?"
            His father says, "Go ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for a million dollars."
            The kid comes back and says, "She said yes."
            His father says, "Go ask your sister if she'd have sex with the neighbor for a million dollars."
            The kid comes back and says, "She said yes."
            His father says, "Okay. So, in theory, we're rich. The reality is, we live with a couple of whores."
    Now, let's go play some Scared Stiff!

    #7 1 year ago

    Q: How many Pinsiders does it take to change a lightbulb?

    A: Only 1. But the hard part is getting them not to change it for a super bright LED of some stupid color that should never be on the game.

    #8 1 year ago
    Quoted from OLDPINGUY:

    ou must be hanging outside my Window!

    OLDPINGUY ended a long relationship with a beautiful woman recently.

    She bought drapes.

    LTG : )
    Disclaimer : Happy Thanksgiving !

    #9 1 year ago

    Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on ‘Involuntary Muscle Contraction’ to the first year medical students.
    This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.
    He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, ‘Do you know what your asshole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?’
    She replied, ‘Probably playing pinball with his buddies.’

    #11 1 year ago
    Quoted from OLDPINGUY:

    "Dear Lloyd, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

    Hey OLDPINGUY

    I can't be mad with you, if you slept with my wife. That would just make us even.

    LTG : )

    #12 1 year ago

    Oh, you're just having too much fun with this!

    You know after you play to much Pinball, I received this from your wife..............

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    #13 1 year ago

    Is this what you mean by pinhead?

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    #14 1 year ago
    Quoted from OLDPINGUY:

    I received this from your wife..............

    A STD named in your honor ?

    LTG : )

    10
    #15 1 year ago

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    #16 1 year ago

    Last Valentine's day I took my wife out into town for a nice romantic evening; table in the corner, atmospheric lighting...then she looks at me and says "I fucking hate pinball".

    Don't know why I bothered.

    #17 1 year ago

    (joke edited to make it pinball related)

    A younger guy walks into a Barcade, gets brew and starts playing a newer pin. Then from the EM section and older guy who obviously had a few too many in him comes stumbling out. The bartender rolls his eyes as he makes his way to the younger guy.

    "I f*cked your mother last night" he says screwing up the younger guys ball.

    He tries to ignore the old man and puts a new ball in play.

    "I f*cked your mother last night" he say again this time making lewd thrusting motions with his hips.

    Once again the ball drains, the guy tries again to just ignore him and puts the last ball in play.

    "I F*CKED YOUR MOTHER LAST NIGHT" he screams in his ear thrusting his hips like a wild man.

    At this point the bartender comes out from behind the bar and asks the younger guy it he needs some help.

    The younger guy say "No, I can handle this", he grabs the old drunk's arm and drags him over to the door.

    "Come on dad, lets get you home"

    #18 1 year ago

    Paddy goes into BAAA and asks "how much fer ya NOS Adams Family playfield?", "$1900 bucks" screamed Ricky..."fuck, Madder Mikey has dem advertised for $500 bucks" says Paddy. "Well go and fuckin' buy one from him then" raged Ricky..."I would but he doesn't have any left" said Paddy..."well" exploded Ricky "when we don't have any left ours are only $450 bucks"...Paddy scratches his head and says "right then ya c*nt, I'll come back when you don't fookin have any"...Ricky bans Paddy from his shop and blames Dougy for kicking the dog.

    #19 1 year ago

    Some clarifications provided below for some of you brain dead pinball fanatics:

    When you finally notice you wife is not speaking to you and not making eye contact,
    ...and you say: Honey, is there something wrong? You seem quiet since I brought home those 3 old beat up pinball machines.
    ...and she says: No
    ...then you say: Are you sure? I'm gonna get them fixed over the winter. Really, what's wrong?
    ...and she says: Nothing

    When you say: Honey, since we barely use the living room, is it ok to clear out the living room so I can set up my other pinball machines that are in storage?
    ...and she says: Go Ahead

    When you say: Honey, I'm planning to throw a big 2-day pinball party to play pinball and watch football bowl games from Dec 31st to Jan 1st. If I make you a list, will you go to the grocery store and to Walmart to get the food & drinks and other stuff for the party?
    ...and she says: Whatever

    When you say: Honey, I know you can't stand Ritchie, because you think he's a prick and an as$hole, but I said he can stay at our place for a week while his sister and her kids are staying at his place while visiting.
    ...and she says: That's okay.

    When you say: Honey, you'll never guess what happened today. I was trying to get my Hobbit pinball machine down the steps by myself, and I slipped, and took out the bannister and put a hole in the china cabinet you got from your Grandma.
    ...and she says: Wow!
    .
    Womanese-explained (resized).png

    #20 1 year ago

    Another OLDPINGUY homage.

    Herman Melville is writting a new book, and it's about OLDPINGUY. It's title is "Maybe Dick".

    LTG : )

    #21 1 year ago

    Sorry.....Moby Dick, is correct....Jealousy isnt your suit!

    #22 1 year ago

    OLDPINBALLGUY likes his violence like his beer.

    Domestic.

    LTG : )

    #23 1 year ago

    I asked my Urologist Dr. Dude about how he got to 2 ball multiball...he told me to turn my head to the side and cough and and started shaking me around and said you must have one stuck! lol

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    #24 1 year ago

    So I got into it with my friend who's a bowler, he challenged me to a duel. First we played a round of bowling, then we played a game of pinball...when we were both done we were exhausted and he turned to me and said "you win, I may play with big balls but you have more balls than me man" ...we were playing Apollo 13 lol

    2 weeks later
    #25 1 year ago

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    #26 1 year ago

    littlepinguy, a 10 year old brat who would grow up to become a billionaire techie, was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, an old man on the bench across from him named ltg said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." littlepinguy replied, "My grandfather oldpinguy, lived to be 107 years old." "Oh?" replied LTG. " Did oldpinguy eat 6 candy bars at a time?" "No" replied littlepinguy, "he minded his own fucking business!!"

    ---------

    A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.
    Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

    All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother.

    "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out" replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

    About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the
    mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

    A week later her son ltg walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened, you were taking a tinkle and a bullet
    came out." "No," said ltg ........

    "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog...".

    ---------

    oldpinguy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. Oldpinguy says out loud, "I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
    The parrot says, "I was born this way, I'm a defective parrot."
    "Good Grief!" Oldpinguy replies. "You actually understood and answered me."
    "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
    "Oh yeah," Oldpinguy says. "Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
    "Well," the parrot says. "This is very embarrassing but since you asked
    I'll tell you. I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like a little hook.
    You can't see it because of my feathers."
    "Wow," says oldpinguy. "You really can understand and speak English, can't you?"
    "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion or philosophy. I'm especially good at pinball repairs. You reallyought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
    Oldpinguy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
    "Pssssst," says the parrot. "I'm defective. So the truth is nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You'll probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer."
    Oldpinguy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
    Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises and is insightful. Oldpinguy is delighted. One day Oldpinguy comes home from work and parrot goes, "Pssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't
    know if I should tell you this or not, but it is about your wife and the
    postman."
    "What are you talking about?" asks oldpinguy.
    "When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black negligee and kissed him passionately."
    "WHAT????" Oldpinguy shouts. "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
    "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her negligee, kissing and petting her all over," reported the parrot.
    "NO!" he exclaims. "THEN WHAT?"
    "He got down on his knees and continued to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down."
    "WELL," demands the frantic guy. "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
    "Buggered if I know," replied the parrot, "I got a hard-on and fell off my perch, hit my head and was unconscious until you came in. I'm dying to know how it all ended!!

    #27 1 year ago

    What's the difference between a pinball machine and my wife?

    I don't pay my wife to drain my balls.

    #28 1 year ago
    Quoted from MrSerious:

    What's the difference between a pinball machine and my wife?
    I don't pay my wife to drain my balls.

    betting you don't allow everybody to put their hands on your wife either

    #29 1 year ago
    Quoted from jeffspinballpalace:

    betting you don't allow everybody to put their hands on your wife either

    Coin play or free play ?

    LTG : )

    #30 1 year ago

    OLDPINBALLGUY told me that having sex with my ex reminded him of KFC. Once you get past the breasts and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

    LTG : )

    #31 1 year ago
    Quoted from jeffspinballpalace:

    betting you don't allow everybody to put their hands on your wife either

    Ha! Good one. Wish I had thought of that.

    #32 1 year ago
    Quoted from MrSerious:

    What's the difference between a pinball machine and my wife?
    I don't pay my wife to drain my balls.

    Oh I bet it costs you a lot more than you would like to think.

    #33 1 year ago

    xmas (resized).jpg

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