littlepinguy, a 10 year old brat who would grow up to become a billionaire techie, was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, an old man on the bench across from him named ltg said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." littlepinguy replied, "My grandfather oldpinguy, lived to be 107 years old." "Oh?" replied LTG. " Did oldpinguy eat 6 candy bars at a time?" "No" replied littlepinguy, "he minded his own fucking business!!"
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother.
"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out" replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the
mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son ltg walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened, you were taking a tinkle and a bullet
came out." "No," said ltg ........
"I was playing with myself and I shot the dog...".
oldpinguy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. Oldpinguy says out loud, "I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way, I'm a defective parrot."
"Good Grief!" Oldpinguy replies. "You actually understood and answered me."
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah," Oldpinguy says. "Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says. "This is very embarrassing but since you asked
I'll tell you. I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like a little hook.
You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says oldpinguy. "You really can understand and speak English, can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion or philosophy. I'm especially good at pinball repairs. You reallyought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
Oldpinguy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssst," says the parrot. "I'm defective. So the truth is nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You'll probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer."
Oldpinguy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises and is insightful. Oldpinguy is delighted. One day Oldpinguy comes home from work and parrot goes, "Pssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't
know if I should tell you this or not, but it is about your wife and the
"What are you talking about?" asks oldpinguy.
"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black negligee and kissed him passionately."
"WHAT????" Oldpinguy shouts. "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her negligee, kissing and petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "THEN WHAT?"
"He got down on his knees and continued to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down."
"WELL," demands the frantic guy. "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Buggered if I know," replied the parrot, "I got a hard-on and fell off my perch, hit my head and was unconscious until you came in. I'm dying to know how it all ended!!