Took the wife out last night........one punch 
(Topic ID: 57408)
Took the wife for a romantic date for two on valentines day, table for two, mood lighting then the bitch told me she didn't even like snooker 
Fellow asks me how much for my FT pin, I said 8500, he said wtf the bloke down the road sells them for 4000, I said why don't you buy his then, he says I would but he hasn't got any at the moment, I said we'll when I haven't got any mine are only 2500, he said I'll come back when you haven't got any then 
Thems the jokes guys.....
Melbourne
A bear walks into a bar.
"Give me a beer!" the bear hollers.
"Nope," says the bartender, "No beer for you. We don't serve bears in here."
The bear insisted, slamming a paw down on the bar. "Give me a BEER!" the bear roared.
"Nope. We DON'T serve BEERS to BEARS in this BAR," the tender said.
Enraged, the bear grabbed the girl sitting next to him, and ate her! As he finished the last morsel of his meal, he demanded, one more time, a beer from the bartender.
"Nope. Sorry. In this bar, we don't serve beers to bears who use drugs."
Wait, wha--- what?!?" the bear asked..." What do you mean 'bears WHO USE DRUGS?!?!? What are you talking about?"
The bartender replied... "That was a bar bitch you ate."
Saddle River, NJ
Quoted from tracelifter:The bartender replied... "That was a bar bitch you ate."
It took a few seconds....
Quoted from tracelifter:The bartender replied... "That was a bar bitch you ate."
Quoted from spfxted:It took a few seconds....
I am still thinking....
Quoted from spfxted:barbiturates
Snap.
Quoted from spfxted:barbiturates
Thank you. I don't think that would ever have clicked with me.
Quoted from spfxted:It WAS a stretch.
.....a horse walks in a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
that one was done earlier, get on the stick Ted. 
Quoted from spfxted:.....a horse walks in a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
Oops! You are right! This is what I ment to post.......Jay Leno walks in a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?" 
Quoted from spfxted:Oops! You are right! This is what I ment to post.......Sarah Jessica Parker walks in a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
Fixed that for ya Ted!
Chris
Marriage is like a tornado, lots of blowing and sucking at the beginning then at the end you lose your house.
One liners:
Has a face like a bashed crab.
As mad as a cut snake. (In Australia dangerous snakes are often hit with a long stiff wire to kill them in an attempt to break their backs, on smaller snakes this is likely to almost cut them in half. Several snake wires were often kept around homesteads in the outback to kill snakes before they managed to get inside. Obviously once, hit a snake gets somewhat annoyed, hence the saying).
As silly as a hat full of arseholes.
He/she/I was so hungry my arsehole at a hole in my undies.
He/she would not shout if a shark bit them. (Shout - to buy a round of drinks. The person is too tight or cheap to buy anyone else a drink).
One liners with a theme..
I'm schizophrenic and so am I
Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got
As long as I remember, I have had amnesia
The dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac woke up in the middle of the night wondering if there was a dog.
The dyslexic who went to a Roman fancy dress party in a goat
Utrecht
Quoted from bladerunner:The humor on pinside is way underrated . Was reading a thread where I read someone say: "I was conceived on the wrong side of the bed". Still laughing at it
I need some new lines. Any takers?
I'm over weight so I use this one for a laugh....
"You know why I'm so fat? ....." Cause every time I F_CK your wife she makes me a sandwich!"
1 week later
Gay Eskimo in the north pole stuck his bottom out the igloo door to let out a fart and when he pulled it back in there was a chap on it
I know it's not one line but I like it:
Today's Short Reading from the Bible... from Genesis :
"And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."
Then he made the earth round...................and he laughed and laughed and laughed!
Calgary, AB
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