Pftttttt.... I tracked down the seller-
Turns out it was a short in the power cord and a blown fuse. I showed the seller this thread and offered $759.13 and a free pizza. They took the deal without blinking and mentioned that "Mr. Half-Market-Value" just smelled bad and wanted to get him outta their house as quick as possible.
I'm still not telling you guys what game this was in hopes this thread reaches 500 posts