There was a younger guy today the could have easily started a fight because he might have seen me glancing at his girlfriend. But instead gave me a nod while I helped mom into Wienersnchitzel. He was tall and at least half my age. And looked ready to go.

The eye contact we made, and his nod told me all I needed to know. There would be no battle today. Instead I felt some respect.

I'm wearing them now.

But I'm also wondering how the hell this got here.

Now that I'm awake and have some coffee in me I'm going to set the scene.

As of late I've noticed some total incompetence in professional people and who ever answers the phone for them getting and returning messages. I've been trying all week to get the necessary paperwork together so I could move mom from assisted living to a place with memory care as the assisted living place brought in without telling me an outside person to watch mom 24/7 to the tune of an extra $600 a day. So when they did finally tell me it became kind of urgent.

Not only has the place she is in now giving me the total runaround, the doctor that needs to fill out a form and fax it I am still waiting on. Yesterday was the day I took her to the a place and the guy is ever so nice and has a room ready but still needs that form. The old place sends it and it is not up to date like it should be. So we call the Dr. where you get some central answering service and they say they will pass it on. After an hour of waiting and no fax, I take her to get a hot dog and rootbeer float, because she loves those. This is where I encountered Mr. Man.

After that I go back with her and start packing her stuff. Call the new place and still no fax. So I go there in person and they tell me it is waiting at the counter. I tell them I hope that is not the letter I picked up on Tuesday, and of course it is. Now we will have no fax until Monday, so she is stuck there for one more weekend. There's more to it with the place, but it's just going to anger and frustrate me to talk about it.

Fast forward to the middle of last night. I'm hammered out in the garage and a buddy I knew in Jr. High comes strolling up. Last time we talked about all the fights I got in after being let out of military school and he had run into one of the dudes who is now a lawyer and is going to bring him over next time.

I've gotta go fix a hole in the side of mom's house now as the plumbing went out last week and that was the only way to get to it.

It's as good as it gets around here I guess. The reason mom has to be moved is she is 97 and has tried to escape from the place several times and they don't want to be responsible. It's tough to watch your parent lose her mind, but that's been going on since I was a child. She does love her root beer float though.

I just stopped by the house to get a tool and was sure that might come up. I am told I got my mom's face, but I know I got my dad's brain. Totally logical with very little emotion involved in making decisions. Get it done.

My brother on the other hand got more of my dad's looks and her brain. He is a real treat sometimes. Him and mom cannot spend more than ten minutes together without either blowing a gasket.

I appreciate all the kind words as this is certainly one of the toughest things I've ever dealt with. And I know the day is coming where I'm going to get the word and break down in tears. I'm just dealing with it the best I can and get a little frustrated with other people involved.

He had that look like he was ready to brawl if anybody crossed him. And I wasn't in the best mood either. Some men are like that especially when it comes to their ladies. Others like to show them off. Like one guy that came in my work. "Did you notice my girlfriend? Do you know who she is?" I said "not really" "Take another look"
"Nope, don't recognize her" "She is a famous porn star, Christy Mack" "Nope, never heard of her, but thanks for sharing"

They were both adults in their late 20s or 30s, and I don't look much older I'm told. I only glanced at his lady. I'm not gonna be dating women my age anyway anymore. My daughter's mom is older than me. If that offends you, I'm not breaking any laws.

Anyway, you can't get 1x10 shiplap siding at Home Depot or Lowes, so I go to Ganahl, where the real men work and shop, and they didn't have it but ordered it for Tuesday.
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My mom was always very independent, but when I moved back to my hometown after my dad passed away 15 years ago, I started helping her more and more. Taking her shopping and to the doctors and bringing her food I had prepared. It all changed about two or three years ago with a 911 call and her in the hospital. She had found herself on the floor lost in her own house. It was presumed she had had a minor stroke, but knowing what I know now it might have been a UTI as she had a couple since then with very similar symptoms.

Anyway, she got well enough to go to assisted living. I go visit and take her shopping and to the drs like I had before. I kept her house maintained and ready with the thought someday she might come home, knowing all along someday it would be my job to clean it out.

That changed a few months ago when my neighbor across the street who I have known since high school's dad passed away. He was living with his family and taking care of him. Finds out after the fact his parents had reverse mortgaged the house to the hilt and there is no way they can stay there. They only want to stay around until their son finishes high school and then move out of state. So I made the tough decision mom is never coming home and I will get it ready, and let them stay there for a fair price.

It's no fun cleaning out 60 years of memories while mom is still with us, wondering what to keep and where to put it, but the job is almost done, no help one bit from my brother. But he sure likes to give out instructions and worry about money.

If I want a chili dog and chili cheese fries, not many do it better. My only regret is I always seem to leave the coupons at home.

Thanks. My dad always told me I can fix anything, so I try whenever I can. I enjoy it and the weather is very cooperative. It's like therapy. Can't fix people though, and don't know where to start, or even want to try.

If it was my own house, I would do it myself, but hired this out to a guy I trust because it is crunch time and trying to get mom moved is taking a lot of effort and time. I'm filling in the concrete and doing the siding and painting. It's fun getting the bathrooms and all that ready too, but I'm just about there.

Why yes, yes it is. When you are as active as I am, you can eat just about anything.

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And how a trip to Genault's can remedy what the other superstores of home improvement can't. Highlight of the day was when the man, and I mean the man behind the counter walked two steps down and pulled a sample of the siding I needed. It perfectly interlocked, matched, and fit with my sample from 1955 albeit not redwood, but I said order it up.

For me to keep what's left of my mind, I as well need somebody else to do it. I can fix almost anything else though.

Since this has kind of been a spill your guts thread, and it's kind of a relief since I did it, I'm going to tell a little story.

15 years ago when dad passed away, I moved into his house with the full intent of fixing it up and selling it so I could move back down to or near San Clemente so I could be near my daughter. After high school I moved there, and made a new life with new friends. Back in my home town my mom was still healthy and most of my friends had moved away. There was nothing left there for me.

I busted this place out, and on the weekends I would drive down there and get her on Fridays and look at real estate before I did. It got to be a routine. I could not find a job in this area I liked, so I kept it up, keeping the house near empty so I could go at anytime. Sandy liked the routine as there were all kinds of things to do up here and places to go.

About 8 or 9 years ago I took the job I have now,10 minutes from home. and started buying pinball machines to give me something to do. I joined pinside and started meeting people in the area. Now some of the best friends I ever had. We hang out, go do things and I have settled that this is now home. When Sandy got her license, she started to make the trip up here, and still does regularly to this day. It's nice to be settled with good friends and family.

I have decided I've done enough this week so today, one of my best friends I met thru Pinside is coming over and we are going to hang out in the garage, drink beer, watch football, and play pinball.

Thank you Pinside!

Two Breakfast Jacks with sausage= $3

And so it came to be.

Yeah Gryszzz, I've got to put my almost 100 year old mom into lockdown because she is an escape risk. No wonder my brother wants no part of this.

That is what I was told as my dad was in the military. However since they got divorced in the early 70s, it won't help mom. Money probably won't be an issue as she has a pretty good teacher's pension and saved all her life. All her medical bills seem to get taken care of with the retirement plan although it is not what was promised during her decades of teaching. The teachers lost a big court battle in regards to that, but I'm not seeing much in the way of bills anyway.

Just got the word all the paperwork has finally been sent to the new place, so I am going up to move her now. Don't see any stops at Wienerschnitzel as she is eating her lunch now.

I foresee plenty of rootbeer floats in her future. On that particular day she didn't finish it but wolfed down that hot dog.

On my way now, hope it all goes smoothly so I can get back in time for the football game.

One of the toughest things I ever had to do yesterday. When I went to pick her up she was going off on the helper in her room. Got her calmed down as I loaded up her stuff. As we were driving away she said we got out of there just in time as they were about to blow the place up. She also asked if I had checked under the car to see if they had attached anything there. Also don't go back to get anything else in case they blow the place up then. The scene at the new place was not a whole lot better.

I know the drill. When on the phone or visiting, she will say you never call or visit me. She's always been tough to deal with, to the point my brother could not take it anymore.

Well, at least in the new place, the guy took the time to look over her medications, and said although overmedicating is not the answer, he said there was nothing for paranoia, a symptom that maybe the doctors hadn't noticed or been aware of, but it is something that has been ongoing for a while now that I think of it.

It did not help that while I was filling out the paperwork they took her upstairs to get settled, and another patient was following her around speaking at her in Chinese. Scared the heck out of her.

I had a hard time sleeping last night wondering what else I could have done and in regards to the human condition in general.

My mom begged me not to leave her there, said she would sleep in my car. Then asked if I could give her $15 so she could stay at a motel when she snuck out later at night. I gave her the $15 which she stuck in her sock and seemed satisfied with that. Again, not a moment I ever want to relive again.

It SUCKS to have to make these decisions and not feel a bit guilty. But I've done just about everything I can over the last 15-20 years to keep her going. She never had to deal with her mother, as she stayed in Ohio with her big sister. When her mom had a stroke, her sister took her to the hospital. When her mom saw the hospital, she said oh god no! And died in the car. Then sent me off to military school when the going got tough at home. So I'm going to try to not feel any guilt in regards to this situation.

My dad passed away of a massive heart attack after a day of fishing right in the galley of his boat. He never lost his mind though and was sharp as a tack till the very end. Given the choice, that is the way I would rather go.

Thanks! I keep thinking what else could I do? Should I have looked at a few more places? It's not like I had a whole bunch of time or help in figuring it out.

Pinside may be a lot of things, but it can be great support in times like these.

For me there is nobody else to talk to about this, something I've never been through or was prepared for, and all these stories help me realize what is going on and what to expect, and that I am not alone.

My boss stopped by a while ago though and he also relayed some of what he is going thru similarly with some of his relatives and his mother before she passed away last year.

It's going to be toughest on my daughter, as she is the one in all my family that has spent the most time with mom over the last many years. They could sit and talk for hours.

I think I'll put on a wingsuit and jump off a cliff if I start losing my marbles. If I make it to the bottom, I'll climb back up and keep on trying.

No, I'm planning to be in flight.

Fortunately mom, in her living trust stated she would not want to be kept alive artificially.

Although I stay very concerned, for the first time in the last few years I feel I can relax just a bit. Now that she is in a place that understands the disease and knows how to treat it and her, and that I won't be getting any of those late night phone calls that she is being combative and is trying to escape.

I trust my very well off brother about as far as I can throw him. I guess once the hunger for more money than you ever need is ingrained in you, it never goes away.

Yeah man!

I had an e-coli salad last night and I feel great!

Yesterday my daughter came up and spent a couple hours with mom at her new place then came over for dinner. She said you gotta get her out of there. And I knew she was right. So today I did.

It's hard to judge a parents state of mind and where she should be. I found a place that looks like the right place in Yorba Linda. It set a record for getting someone in there.

As I drove mom thru the back roads to avoid traffic, she said you're taking me out to the country, aren't you. Which to her is the same as corn field on that Twilight Zone. I said no mom we just passed Chucky Cheese.

"Can you just pull over to the curb and let me out" Sure mom, as I pulled into the parking lot.

The two nice ladies at the dinner table after I left.

"You're boy seems like a very nice young man"

Mom- "Sure he just took me out of hell and brought me here."

I have a feeling it will be OK.

And of course the new place is unfurnished after cleaning out her house and getting rid of all the furniture.

My brother never made it up last weekend to do two things he said he would, help mom move, and see the lawyer to sort out power of attorney. No call, no nothing. He was needed for signature yesterday and fortunately hadn't left for his annual Cabo trip as they were stuck in San Diego trying to renew his son's expired passport as I guess that is where you have to do it if you need it now, and he was able to do it with an e-mail. He is king procrastinator.

I think everything is going to be OK now. The last place, the memory care was on the third floor, where they are basically stuck with not much to do. And turns out English isn't spoken much, and one of the caregivers warned my daughter she was one of the only ones that did and cared for mom, and she was leaving soon for medical reasons.

I had wrestled with my conscious all week in regards to leaving her there and how I could ever take her out for the day and then take her back there. I wasn't sure if part of her mental condition wasn't partly because of either place she had stayed. It took my daughter telling me what she saw while she was there that made me realize I could not live with myself if I just left her there to die and did nothing. I actually started to cry when telling the lady at the new place how urgent it was to move her. When I got there yesterday she looked like a zombie on her last leg.

The new place is the whole package where they see that the elderly have every opportunity to thrive, not just survive. Totally professional and not one of the tenants I saw there looked like a lost soul. When I left mom sitting at the table with two other ladies she had color again and that sparkle in her eyes and thanked me very much after the initial resistance to another place. I called today and she is taking part in the activities and again was sitting and talking with the other ladies.

It is called Activecare and they run a chain of senior care facilities. It is a lot more than the other place, but it is her money and house and should be enough to keep her there without another move ever. She worked hard for it her whole life and she deserves it.

They do vary. There are quite a few in that price range. This particular one, the way I set it up is $7500 a month, maybe a bit more when all is said and done. Her pension covers more than half of that. And with her savings and especially her house, I don't foresee any financial difficulties even if it goes higher.

It's all tax deductible too, so a good time to dump taxable IRAs and other annuities too. You don't want to know the conversations with my brother, the USC accounting major, in regards to this. He is totally clueless and would rather say what to do than actually do anything. He can't even do his own taxes and it was him putting off dad's final one that left everything in probate for two years.

I write checks, so it is easy at the end of the year to itemize what went where. I had to dump a big annuity recently because it was about to annuitize, and when that happens and you do nothing, you are pretty much screwed. The people at the place gave me the wrong info about first in, first out, when it was really first in, last out where you are really screwed. I did a lot of math and figured it was best to just dump it and take the tax hit all at once, than leave any of it in there earning nothing.

And as far as the title of this thread, after yesterday I felt more like one than I have in a long time.

A fitting song from a man from our town. It's been in my head a lot lately.

Yep, after mom retired from teaching in the 80s or 90s, she lived alone but stayed very busy. Playing tennis, bowling, hosting and playing bridge, and taking trips around the world. As each of those activities went away I think loneliness took over, and the last activity was still being able to walk down to the corner and get her hair done. She wasn't as demanding, but I brought her meals, took her out and took care of repairs around the house. In the last year or so there were several 911 calls and trips to the hospital and a couple surgeries. The last one was serious enough where it was no longer OK for her to be alone so at first we had someone come in to watch her part time. They were for the most part pretty worthless. So we got her into the first assisted living place for two or three years until we are where we are now. And yes, it has been a bit of a burden for me, where I felt like I was always on call, day or night.

I have made my own observations, and sometimes all one old lady needs is more old ladies, not zombies, to sit with and talk with, eat with, and do other activities with. and caregivers that treat her like a human being, and regular visits and outings with old friends and family members. And where she is now, there is and will be plenty of that.

Just got off the phone with mom

"So when are you coming to get me out of here?" "How did I get out of the old place and you didn't" "They have us playing a bunch of silly games like we are in kindergarten"

After we talked a while I asked did you like the last place better? Aren't there a bunch of nice people?

"The food is great, and some very nice people and several ladies I have already made friends with. Way better than the last place"

Then I went on to explain why she is there.

"So how come you are free and I am not?"

"Mom, you have been free for almost 100 years, and it is for your own safety and well being. I have been free for only 50 years, and it seems like my time in that regard is running out"

My mom was fine at the last place about the time I got her out of there. But there was no way in hell I was leaving her there.

You are right though, I've already had a couple calls from her old friends that will be paying her a visit. I would have been ashamed to send them to see her at the last place. It was an emergency situation, and the director who is a very nice guy, handled it accordingly.

As a parting note she said "all my money is yours to do whatever you want with it"

"Gee mom, thanks for the 4 Bagger and Skill Roll then"

Since I've got bigger priorities, I decided to go with cornish game hens this year.

That may be all that's left by the time the Lions come on.

They always come over Christmas eve and like to play them anyway.

I had mentioned my neighbor across the street and how his parents had reverse mortgaged the house so they have to move. I had a good talk with him last week and it wasn't so much his mom who passed away 10 or so years ago, but it was his step dad who spent his later years dressing up like Santa Claus. Apparently he was really playing the part.

Now that I have the house empty, fixed all the plumbing and got it ready to go, they may not want to move in because they need a year and a half until their son graduates, but my brother has made it clear if mom passes away he wants to sell it right away and they don't want to move in just to have to move out and I can't give them any guarantee, and I'm just about fed up discussing any of this or trying to get a response from him. Sometimes it's tough being me.

My brother's name is Bruce and we've been singing this song since the 1970s.

Don't bring me down Bruuuuce.

Paid mom a visit this weekend while dropping off her new bed. They were busy watching a movie, so I tried not to interrupt for long. First time she has not said get me out of here, or can't you stay longer.

Instead she asked how I found such a nice place , with such nice people.

She's happy, and I'm happy. And still have not talked to my brother. All seems right with the world.

Thanks!

It must be tough with a will to live, I'm never going to die attitude like mom has when she started losing her memory and health. A bit of it must be some sort of denial. I kept reminding her she can no longer do what is necessary on her own to take care of herself. When they complain, it's tough to know if it's real, or just a result of their own confusion.

Do your research before taking an elderly person to a care home. They all put up great sales pitches. I believe the one week spent in the last place is helping her see it could be much worse than where she is now. I think we both can see it certainly isn't going to get any better than where she is now. It's a good place.

What I have decided if mom has any more complaints, I will be happy to stop off for a hot dog and a root beer float on the way to the last place.

Just wanted to update. I am so happy I got mom into where she is now. After the first week, the paranoia and the get me out of here were all gone.

Up until recently, I visited on a regular basis and her health and memory were way improved. I also noticed how clean they kept the place and they are taking every step possible to prevent their residents from getting sick right now.

Just got off the phone with her and she is like the mom of old. Chipper and upbeat. I am keeping her aware of the unfolding events so she can know what's happening and why we are not visiting at the moment.

I will repeat what I said a few months ago. If I had left her where she was, I probably would never be able to live with myself. And there is no moving anybody now. I can rest easy. At least for now.

And just in time. A lot of things were done just in time. Now I just toil in the garden.

I figured it was time to update this.

Mom passed away January of last year comfortably I guess in her sleep. The place I got her into took real good care of her until the very end. Visits were limited because of the lockdowns, but there were a couple breaks and we were able to take her out to lunch for her last birthday.

99 years was a helluva run and quite a life she lived. Love you mom and we all miss you.

Thanks!

I really felt the need to bring this story up to date.

Just glad we had as much time with mom as we did. It sucks when you lose any family members or friends for that matter, but she lived as full a life as anybody could hope for.

We should all be so lucky.