OP

Quoted from o-din:

I just stopped by the house to get a tool and was sure that might come up. I am told I got my mom's face, but I know I got my dad's brain. Totally logical with very little emotion involved in making decisions. Get it done.
My brother on the other hand got more of my dad's looks and her brain. He is a real treat sometimes. Him and mom cannot spend more than ten minutes together without either blowing a gasket.
I appreciate all the kind words as this is certainly one of the toughest things I've ever dealt with. And I know the day is coming where I'm going to get the word and break down in tears. I'm just dealing with it the best I can and get a little frustrated with other people involved.

OP

Quoted from o-din:

My mom was always very independent, but when I moved back to my hometown after my dad passed away 15 years ago, I started helping her more and more. Taking her shopping and to the doctors and bringing her food I had prepared. It all changed about two or three years ago with a 911 call and her in the hospital. She had found herself on the floor lost in her own house. It was presumed she had had a minor stroke, but knowing what I know now it might have been a UTI as she had a couple since then with very similar symptoms.
Anyway, she got well enough to go to assisted living. I go visit and take her shopping and to the drs like I had before. I kept her house maintained and ready with the thought someday she might come home, knowing all along someday it would be my job to clean it out.
That changed a few months ago when my neighbor across the street who I have known since high school's dad passed away. He was living with his family and taking care of him. Finds out after the fact his parents had reverse mortgaged the house to the hilt and there is no way they can stay there. They only want to stay around until their son finishes high school and then move out of state. So I make the tough decision mom is never coming home and I will get it ready, and let them stay there for a fair price.
It's no fun cleaning out 60 years of memories while mom is still with us, wondering what to keep and where to put it, but the job is almost done, no help one bit from my brother. But he sure likes to give out instructions and worry about money.

OP

Quoted from o-din:

One of the toughest things I ever had to do yesterday. When I went to pick her up she was going off on the helper in her room. Got her calmed down as I loaded up her stuff. As we were driving away she said we got out of there just in time as they were about to blow the place up. She also asked if I had checked under the car to see if they had attached anything there. Also don't go back to get anything else in case they blow the place up then. The scene at the new place was not a whole lot better.

OP

Quoted from o-din:

I know the drill. When on the phone or visiting, she will say you never call or visit me. She's always been tough to deal with, to the point my brother could not take it anymore.
Well, at least in the new place, the guy took the time to look over her medications, and said although overmedicating is not the answer, he said there was nothing for paranoia, a symptom that maybe the doctors hadn't noticed or been aware of, but it is something that has been ongoing for a while now that I think of it.
It did not help that while I was filling out the paperwork they took her upstairs to get settled, and another patient was following her around speaking at her in Chinese. Scared the heck out of her.
I had a hard time sleeping last night wondering what else I could have done and in regards to the human condition in general.

OP

Quoted from o-din:

My mom begged me not to leave her there, said she would sleep in my car. Then asked if I could give her $15 so she could stay at a motel when she snuck out later at night. I gave her the $15 which she stuck in her sock and seemed satisfied with that. Again, not a moment I ever want to relive again.
It SUCKS to have to make these decisions and not feel a bit guilty. But I've done just about everything I can over the last 15-20 years to keep her going. She never had to deal with her mother, as she stayed in Ohio with her big sister. When her mom had a stroke, her sister took her to the hospital. When her mom saw the hospital, she said oh god no! And died in the car. Then sent me off to military school when the going got tough at home. So I'm going to try to not feel any guilt in regards to this situation.

My dad passed away of a massive heart attack after a day of fishing right in the galley of his boat. He never lost his mind though and was sharp as a tack till the very end. Given the choice, that is the way I would rather go.

OP

Quoted from o-din:

Thanks! I keep thinking what else could I do? Should I have looked at a few more places? It's not like I had a whole bunch of time or help in figuring it out.

OP

Quoted from o-din:

And of course the new place is unfurnished after cleaning out her house and getting rid of all the furniture.

OP

Quoted from o-din:

I think everything is going to be OK now. The last place, the memory care was on the third floor, where they are basically stuck with not much to do. And turns out English isn't spoken much, and one of the caregivers warned my daughter she was one of the only ones that did and cared for mom, and she was leaving soon for medical reasons.
I had wrestled with my conscious all week in regards to leaving her there and how I could ever take her out for the day and then take her back there. I wasn't sure if part of her mental condition wasn't partly because of either place she had stayed. It took my daughter telling me what she saw while she was there that made me realize I could not live with myself if I just left her there to die and did nothing. I actually started to cry when telling the lady at the new place how urgent it was to move her. When I got there yesterday she looked like a zombie on her last leg.
The new place is the whole package where they see that the elderly have every opportunity to thrive, not just survive. Totally professional and not one of the tenants I saw there looked like a lost soul. When I left mom sitting at the table with two other ladies she had color again and that sparkle in her eyes and thanked me very much after the initial resistance to another place. I called today and she is taking part in the activities and again was sitting and talking with the other ladies.
It is called Activecare and they run a chain of senior care facilities. It is a lot more than the other place, but it is her money and house and should be enough to keep her there without another move ever. She worked hard for it her whole life and she deserves it.

OP

Quoted from o-din:

They do vary. There are quite a few in that price range. This particular one, the way I set it up is $7500 a month, maybe a bit more when all is said and done. Her pension covers more than half of that. And with her savings and especially her house, I don't foresee any financial difficulties even if it goes higher.
It's all tax deductible too, so a good time to dump taxable IRAs and other annuities too. You don't want to know the conversations with my brother, the USC accounting major, in regards to this. He is totally clueless and would rather say what to do than actually do anything.

OP

Quoted from o-din:

A fitting song from a man from our town. It's been in my head a lot lately.

OP

Quoted from o-din:

Just wanted to update. I am so happy I got mom into where she is now. After the first week, the paranoia and the get me out of here were all gone.
Up until recently, I visited on a regular basis and her health and memory were way improved. I also noticed how clean they kept the place and they are taking every step possible to prevent their residents from getting sick right now.
Just got off the phone with her and she is like the mom of old. Chipper and upbeat. I am keeping her aware of the unfolding events so she can know what's happening an why we are not visiting at the moment.
I will repeat what I said a few months ago. If I had left her where she was, I probably would never be able to live with myself. And there is no moving anybody now. I can rest easy. At least for now.