I had panic attacks regularly for about 10 years, starting at age 18. For me the biggest symptom was a feeling of unreality, with a big adrenaline rush. Like being buried alive, but nobody else can see it. The attacks kept me out of airplanes, concerts and malls for a long time. Doctors tried lots of drugs on me, and some had awful side effects. The one that finally worked for me was Prozac. It put a floor under my attacks, made them about 10 times less severe. That gave me the courage to get back out and do things again, even flying to Europe for work.

I still remember my last panic attack, I think it would have been around 2004. I was totally fried from a flight that left Atlanta at 10pm and landed in England at 11am, and I had to go straight to the vendor’s office in Cambridge. The problem they sent me to fix was really outside my area of expertise (HTML performance issues). I was on the floor of a bathroom stall at one point, standing up was not happening.

After that…it seems like the demon just left. I get anxious when I travel overseas, but I haven’t had an “attack” since that one. I feel for anyone who’s suffering through panic attacks, because it’s almost impossible to describe to someone who hasn’t lived with them.

Lorazepam (Ativan) my #1 drug of choice for flying, and for really bad insomnia. My doctor used to give me 30 1-mg tablets, and that would last me for a year. She cut me back to 0.5mg after the opioid crisis, which really makes no sense because it’s a benzodiazepine, not an opioid.

My best advice to people fighting this right now is to learn how to use your body to calm your mind. Breathing patterns (slow exhaling), relaxing all of the muscles, and regular exercise all helped me a lot. After my panic went away, I gained a lot of weight because I didn’t NEED to exercise anymore. When I get on my bike now, it’s to keep my heart going for another 40 years.

I saw a lot of bullshit “tell me about your childhood” therapists early on. Then I found a psychologist who was a Vietnam vet who had beaten PTSD. The tools for PTSD are very similar to those for panic attacks. I feel lucky to have found him.

Funny story: when I went to see him one Monday night, I met some guys at the dentist office next door. They each had a 6-pack of beer, and I said “wow, you guys drink like that on a Monday night?” One of them laughed and said “bro, we drink like this EVERY night”. That stuck with me.

ADAA.org says there are 6 million Americans who have panic attacks, and 40 million suffering from some sort of anxiety. We’re definitely not alone. My wife’s friend has a 30-year-old adult son with schizophrenia. They’re all going through hell right now. Anxiety sucks, but it responds really well to treatment. I think it’s important for those of us who feel “cured” to support people who are going through it. I’m here if anyone needs to talk about anxiety.

My doctor switched me from Xanax to Ativan about 20 years ago. It works just as well, but with far fewer side effects.

I’m in my late 50’s and that’s me every day, Ativan or not.